Original subtitles

I'm afraid tonight is out of the question. How about Tuesday morning, 7

For a date?

I'm not even up at that hour.

Perfect. See you then.

Sounds like the ladies love that new car of yours, Dan.

What do you think? That the woman cares more for a shiny heap of metal than she

does for me?

That's him.

That's the Mercedes I was telling you about.

I wonder if she knows how many miles he's got on him.

Hi, guys. Hey.

Hi, Bull.

How's dental hygiene school coming, Rhoda?

Great. Thanks to Bull.

He's been helping me study for my big exam tomorrow.

With all the hours Rhoda's been studying, it's about the only chance we

see each other.

Besides, you haven't lived till you've been flossed by the one you love.

See you after work, Bull. I need to review the chapter on bleeding gums.

Count me in.

I better go get some lunch while I can still eat solid food.

If you want solids, tell him to try the Jell -O.

Hey, guys.

Look what I bought at an auction. 19 items found in the bathroom of Harry

Houdini after he died.

I cannot believe you spend your money on that useless junk.

Useless junk, huh?

You call this useless junk?

Guess it would depend on the circumstances.

We're talking history here. Look at that. That's the brush that Houdini used

lather up for his last shave.

And this, this is his last bar of soap.

Now I see why they called him Harry.

Ben, I wanted to compliment you on your beautiful automobile.

Thank you, Phil. It means a lot coming from a man who sleeps in one.

She's fast, too.

I just saw Dan pulling out of the parking lot a few minutes ago, and he's

already back.

Obviously, the sterno's been blurring your vision lately. I've been here since

noon. Sorry.

I guess I should have known a classy guy like you wouldn't have a license plate

that says hot to trot.

This is not just another stolen car. It is a brand new Mercedes.

Oh, yeah? Well, how many have mirrored ceilings?

Gila told me mine was the only one.

No luck with your car, huh, Dan? Stupid police.

They're probably too busy trying to decide between jelly or glazed. Hey,

Found your car.

What? Oh, Matt, you're a gorgeous human being. Where is it? Same place you

bought it.

He got repossessed.

What?

Missed a couple of payments. Those guys turned into Nazis.

Sorry I'm late, sir.

I was at the airport picking up Catherine Bell.

Really?

Never heard of her.

Judge Catherine Bell?

Kansas, the early 60s?

She was the legal secretary who was fired for refusing to sleep with her

I assume he wasn't talking PJs and a teddy bear.

Hardly. She used the creep's own law books to figure out how to sue him. And

yours truly has got her to speak at my women -in -law group.

Well, then yours truly must just be thrilled.

I am. She's my idol.

Does Marie Asman know this?

No,

I understand. You're just doing your job. Right. Thanks.

repo, ma 'am?

Gotta come up with $1 ,000 by tomorrow. They're gonna sell my car.

Say, guys... Well, thank you. Whatever happened to your charity, your

spirit of helping your fellow man?

Oh, excuse me. Would you care to donate to the community of hope?

Get a telethon!

Phil!

How many pints of blood would you have to give to raise $1 ,000?

A grand!

And it killed me.

Just answer the question.

Would you care to contribute to the community of hope?

Sure.

Would a hundred be enough?

Oh, bless you.

Oh, buddy of mine, where you been? How the folks seeing good movies lately?

You're losing a little weight, aren't you?

Not a dime, Dan.

I promise. I'll give it back to you next week.

Oh, give it up, Dan.

Fool only looks like he's brain dead.

Thanks, Ross.

All right.

If people leave me no choice, who'll give me $500 for original snapshots by

Lowe?

All right. $100 for a card that certifies the bearer has had a

No, not this.

What's the Paragon Club?

That's a real exclusive pickup spot, Bull.

It's where folks go looking for love.

No. Sounds like a nice idea.

No, Harry means when they're looking for him.

You do that with someone you just met?

He'd do that with someone he just embalmed.

appreciate the fact that you take your job as a clothing inspector very

seriously, but you've got to learn that once the underwear leaves the factory,

you just have to let go.

$50 fine and let them down easy.

Let's go, number 12.

Christine. Judge Bell.

you doing here? Well, I finished my other meeting ahead of schedule, so I

thought I would stop by and see you in action. You don't mind?

No, no, not at all.

It's just that the kind of cases we try here, I'm sure it wouldn't interest you.

I'm interested every time a woman has the courage to stand up and fight for

justice.

All right, Mr. Sulu, work nine.

You know her, you love her, and she's backed by popular demand.

People versus Roxanne Reynolds.

Mr. Prosecutor. Um, yes, sir. The defendant was arrested on Broadway and

for solicitation.

Surprise, surprise, surprise.

Ah, Roxy, not again.

Hey, Your Honor, I swear, I was on my way to church when they nabbed me.

Where do you worship, Our Lady of the Edible Undergarments?

I move that we strike the prejudicial and sexist remark by the district

attorney. Okay.

Which one?

All of them.

Your Honor, my client is yet another victim of the male -dominated

system and of one man's inability to control his savage impulses.

With all due respect, the defendant has been fallen upon by savages 23 times on

the same street corner.

And was probably paid a fra - of what a man gets.

Ms. Sullivan.

I, uh, overdid it a little, didn't I, sir?

Not if this were the Nuremberg trial.

Sorry.

France Red.

All right.

Roxy, we find you guilty, as usual. That's a hundred bucks for you and a

for us.

I don't know what came over me.

I thought you did a magnificent job.

And I'd like to buy you dinner.

You would?

This is such an honor.

Miss Sullivan, could I see you in my office?

Oh, uh, Your Honor. This won't take long. I have a surprise for you.

There's a little Italian restaurant around the corner. Could I meet you

20 minutes? Of course.

Christine, it's none of my business, but, uh, I've seen this before.

Pardon me?

I have a surprise for you.

Judge Stone?

Oh, no, no, no. Judge Stone is completely harmless.

That's what I thought before my boss locked the door and handed me a tic

Hey, Dan, here's your phone messages.

I'd say you better get those wheels back quick.

The entire secretarial pool is standing me up. Three said they had to work

overtime, two said they were sick, and 15 said they had to be home for their

cable repairman.

I hope this is good, sir.

Good? This is great. Look what I found in that box of Houdini stuff that I

bought.

I'm keeping Judge Bell waiting for a magic trick. Not just a magic trick, no.

A mystery which has confounded zillions over the centuries.

Now, look.

The iron bracelets surround the wrists of not only moi -self, but the lovely

beguiling Christina.

And yet, with the simple alignment of our cosmic parts, voila,

we are as one.

I am as late.

No problem. I simply reversed the magical process.

I got a big treat waiting for you tonight.

Corn on the cob from lunch.

Oh, that's sweet, Bull.

But I'm afraid I can't study with you tonight. I'm pulling an all -nighter

Earl. Hi, Earl Smith.

Rhoda and I met last month at the pyorea workshop.

Funny, she didn't mention it.

I did too, silly.

Will you excuse us for a moment, Earl?

I thought we had a date.

We did, but Earl needs my help or he'll never pass this test.

He's really weak on soft tissues.

Oh, sure, that's what they all say.

Who? Those smooth -talking dental types.

I had that guy pegged the minute I laid eyes on him.

Are you saying there's more between Earl? in me than oral hygiene?

I'm saying that if you care about us, you'll tell them to park his plaque

somewhere else.

I'm sorry, Paul. I can't do that.

Rhoda, I'm not asking you. I'm telling you.

What gives you the right to order anybody around?

going?

You're taking me to the Paragon Club.

I'd rather be the towel boy in a Turkish prison.

I'll give you the money to get your car back.

Meet you downstairs in five minutes. Promise you won't do anything to

me. You got it!

Look out, ladies!

There's a bull on the...

Well, she probably thinks I forgot.

Wait a minute, that's it.

That's it.

This is an illusion.

Yeah, it's like the Chinese linking rings. Except we're not rings.

And we're not Chinese.

Nobody asked me, but I could have you out of those in about five seconds.

Roz, this kind of magic takes years and years of diligent practice.

My kind takes bolt cutters.

You think I'm going to let you cut through these priceless heirlooms?

What?

the basement.

There's got to be another way to get out of this.

How about using butter?

Butter!

Butter! Mac, you keep calling. Houdini and I will be down at the cafeteria.

Dean Sullivan.

Oh, my gosh! It's Judge Bell!

Judge Bell!

Hi. We're closed.

Well, I'm looking for your public defender.

I'm Judge Bell.

Yes.

Yes.

I've heard of you.

It's a pleasure. She went home.

On second thought, she's probably still around here somewhere.

So, uh, what's the old girl look like again?

Matt, forget about my dog.

Why don't you help Judge Bell here look for Miss Sullivan?

Okay.

Come on.

So you're a judge.

That must be fascinating work.

was close.

Boy, you're telling me.

I gotta find a new place to sleep.

Hey, Mr.

Fielding, why are you flying solo tonight, huh?

I wish.

Wow.

This is even keener than the club in Star Wars.

Let's hustle up some honey.

Bull, you don't expect to meet a girl tonight.

And why not?

Well, the subtleties of seduction must be learned over a lifetime.

Yo, this guy needs three to go.

You'll get your Mercedes when I get some ladies.

All right, all right, all right, all right. Come on, follow me.

Attention. Now, the first thing you have to do is establish a beachhead,

preferably in an area of maximum traffic flow.

Excuse me. Your lights are on.

All right. Now, suppose I spot some sweet thing.

I make eye contact and wink.

What next?

Most likely, she goes off to call 911.

Dan? All right, all right, all right. Look, it's basically pretty simple.

talking equal mixture.

of idle chatter and shameless flattery.

Watch. Excuse me. I'm sorry.

I just had to let you know that you are the most ravishing thing I have ever

seen in my life.

If you would come home with me, I would die a fulfilled man.

Okay.

By the way, my name's Sandy.

Dan Fielding. Fielding?

And just how are we supposed to get to your place?

Your turn.

Okay.

Did you know you have enough tissue inside your lungs to wallpaper this

room?

I guess she's not the do -it -yourself type.

Couldn't find the bow cutter, sir.

What are we going to do now?

Found something even better.

All those years of metal shop are finally going to pay off.

Hold on, Judge Bell. We haven't checked the food handles washing yet.

Stop it, Robinson.

Something's wrong here, and I intend to get to the bottom of it. Wrong?

What could possibly be wrong?

Think. Mr. Fielding, that gentleman on the dance floor is a guest of yours,

right?

Vic, I promise, this will be his last visit.

out of here. They can't throw me out. I'm a member.

Not anymore.

Are you happy now?

You are without a doubt the stupidest person. No, make that the stupidest

melting cell.

socially inept geek.

Of course you are.

Pull yourself together.

Listen, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

I had a tummy.

I got you kicked out of your favorite club.

I'll get over it.

If I kept coming here, I'd just wind up sleeping with the same woman twice

anyway.

See? You have so many women, you can't even remember them all.

Why can't I at least have wanted just one?

I don't know.

Well, it's because you pushed her away.

She was making time with that Earl guy.

That hedgehog.

In case you haven't noticed, I know bathing beauty myself.

That's exactly my point.

Look, if Rhoda could fall in love with you, despite the fact that you're

and annoying, what could possibly change her mind?

Gee, I never looked at it like that.

See, we're always the last to see our own merits.

My God, I sounded just like Harry.

I gotta go.

But, Dan?

What?

Aren't you forgetting something?

Um, Bull, I can't take your money.

Because now we're such good friends?

No, because I have to take the subway home. Write me a check.

Well, it didn't take you lovebirds long to patch things up.

Lucky for me, I came to my senses before it was too late.

And I found out Bully Boy was right about Earl.

The creep made a pass at me while we were going over the signs of abscess

flashcards.

I should have known. They broke the mold after they made bullshit.

They broke the mold while they were making bullshit.

How come you guys are all hanging out around Harry's door?

Well, we want to see what he looks like after being punched in the mouth last

night by Judge Bell.

Hey there, sir.

I hear you got punched.

Are you okay?

When I told Judge Bell what really happened, she felt awful.

Wait a minute.

Mel Torme is a has -been.

I knew it. His jaw's been wired shut.

It is a wonderful time to be alive.

Sounds like you got your car back.

You batten a brand new alarm system to go with it, too.

the Danny Mobile is ready to roll.

You know, Harry, I think it's about time somebody told you your ventriloquism,

it stinks.

No, Dan, his jaw's wired shut. I think he's trying to tell you something.

All right. A sheep and a rabbi go in a bar.

Somebody's trying to take Dan's car.