Original subtitles

What?

You want to sign this?

Yeah.

Ross, are you wearing a new perfume?

No, but I just did a hundred push -ups. Maybe that's it.

No, it smells like one of those frilly French perfumes.

That's me, sir.

Matt, is this one of those midlife things?

Oh, no, sir. You see, uh, Raquan Lee started selling Bonifay cosmetics, and,

uh... Well, I accidentally spilled a little bit of the pagan holiday on me.

I guess it's kind of strong, huh?

No worse than your average septic tank.

Mac, you selling cosmetics, huh?

Do you get to drive one of those little pink cars and let everybody know you're

a Bonifay girl?

Hey, I'm not a Bonifay girl. Quan Lee is.

Oh, ignore him, Mac.

Bonifay makes a very good product.

Do they still sell no surrender?

No, that's been replaced by Lust Weekend.

Oh, what the hell happened to you?

Nothing really.

I was just dragged three blocks in the bumper of a taxi cab.

You know, for an extra couple of bucks, they let you ride inside.

There he is.

Excuse me, but I'd like to thank you, Mr., uh... Shannon. Bull Shannon.

Who are you? I'm Jordan King.

Jordan King?

King Towers, King Resorts, King Mining, estimated fortune of $2 .2 billion.

Let me shake your head.

Mr. King is pleased to meet you, sir. So, Mr.

King, what brings you to our little courtroom?

Your friend, Mr. Shannon, saved my life. Mr. King was crossing the street when a

cab ran alight. Fortunately, in the nick of time, Mr. Shannon pushed Mr. King to

safety. I can talk, Frank.

Shutting up, sir.

Now, Mr. Shannon.

To show my gratitude, I am prepared to offer you a rewarding, dynamic job you

never dreamed was possible.

You're going to make me head bailiff?

No, I can't arrange that, but how would you like to work for me in your spare

time? Oh.

Well, okay.

Excellent. I'll see you Monday.

Frank?

Mr. King, I think it's wonderful that you would reward a man who saved your

life. Watch out!

Those pencils were so sharp!

Thank God you weren't hurt. Oh! No, no, no, no. I don't expect anything in

return. Oh, no.

Nonsense. Frank, reward this man.

One free round at any king's goofy golf.

Hi, Ross.

Hey, Quinley.

Ross, how would you like some makeup that will have men falling at your feet?

No, thanks.

I get enough of that in a drunk tank.

Hello, Mac.

Oh, hi, honey.

What brings you down here?

Oh, I just need the checkbook to pay a couple of bills.

What bills?

Oh, the usual.

The phone bill, the gas bill, the 15 cases of Bonifay makeup in our living

What?

Max, don't you see? If we sell 15 cases every month, we could afford the house

of our dreams with white picket fence and AstroTurf patio.

Well, perhaps I should remind you that except for the lipstick your aunt bought

out of pity, you haven't sold squat.

Max, I will succeed because I...

I want to make Manhattan smell better.

Have you considered Ariel Spring?

Look, Mac, it says here the key to success is hosting a makeup party.

So I'm going to have one right here.

Oh, there's nobody here going to buy makeup.

Trust me, it will work.

Now help me pass out these flyers. Ah, no, I want nothing to do with this.

Okay, Mr.

Negative.

But if we don't move that makeup, we'll be out $6 ,000.

Uh, get your bunny fake cosmetics.

Redemonstration next Tuesday.

Sorry I'm late, sir.

I had a busy day with Jordan.

Oh, that's okay, Bull. We don't start flinging out justice for a couple of

minutes yet.

Bull, what do you do for Jordan? Sniff his mail.

Well, actually, today we flew down to Palm Beach for lunch and tennis.

Boy, that Prince of Monaco has a heck of a forehand.

tennis with the Prince of Monaco?

No, I just stood on the sidelines with Diane Sawyer.

Oh, my God.

A diamond Rolex?

Oh, Jordan says, what's the point of making billions if you can't spend it on

your friends?

Paul, I want to be Jordan's friend, too.

Sorry, Dan, but it's my job to keep scummy lowlifes like you away from Mr.

Sure, fine.

You're in good with Mr. King, so who cares about Dan Fielding, right?

Yep.

Wow, Bull, neat.

You spent the day in Palm Beach?

Well, not all day.

This afternoon, Jordan, me, and a surveyor check out some swamps in New

What were you doing visiting a swamp?

I don't know.

Jordan's trying to put together some secret big deal billionaire thing.

Well, Bull, if it's a secret, do you really think you should be telling us

it?

Seat.

We drove for about two hours down Highway 1 to the spot that was nothing

garbage and swamp.

What exit?

All about a mile east of the Carmichael exit. Why?

Huh? No, no, Bull, I didn't say anything.

You don't think anyone heard me, do you?

Hey, baby, go get yourself some floss.

Well, is that good? Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Dan, what are you being insufferable about now?

Well, I happen to be the owner of five acres of prime New Jersey swampland that

might interest one Jordan King.

How do you know that?

A little birdie told me.

Dan, you heard that from Bull.

All right, a huge ball condor told me.

information. Don't you have any scruples?

You've known me for six years. You can ask me that question.

Okay, Jackie, let's rack them and break them. Yes, sir.

People versus Williams.

I'm guessing that these guys are not longshoremen?

The plaintiffs work at the Gilded Grotto nightclub where they take part in a

female impersonator show.

Hey,

hey, hey, pal.

I knew a Judy Garland would have you down on your knees.

Over a toilet, maybe.

Mr. Prosecutor.

Well, it seems that before the early show, Mr. Williams broke into the club,

started trashing their dressing room and the costumes of the Hardley boys.

Your Honor, my client feels he was provoked by the mere presence of the

his neighborhood.

They are an abomination.

They are disgusting perverts. Hey, hey.

This is America, pal.

And I got the inalienable right to make my living dressed as a broad if I want

to. You tell him, Arnie. Mr.

Williams' court finds you guilty. You're going to have to pay damages, a $100

fine, and time served.

Uh, what about our costumes? The cops took them as evidence. We still got a

to do tonight.

It's a salute to Funny Girl.

You guys do Funny Girl?

Right, I guess you'd have to, wouldn't you?

Bull, give the fellows a hand finding their costumes and wigs, okay?

Does your mother know you're doing this?

Okay, hey, listen, the whole building knows about your party tonight. I hope

you're ready to start pushing that blush.

Mac, I don't think I'll be able to.

You've got $6 ,000 riding on this.

I think I'm going to be sick.

What? Hey, no, no, no. Look, it's just nerves now. Just say I'm not sick. I'm

not sick.

I'm Jordan King's assistant.

Oh, yeah.

I've been expecting you.

Mr. King would like you to come meet with him this evening.

Oh, well, you tell your boss if he wants to do business with Dan Fielding.

He comes to me at my convenience.

9 .15 in his office. I'll be there.

I'm going to be rich.

I'm going to be disgustingly, obnoxiously rich.

Good to know money won't change you.

Yeah, okay, listen, Armando, let's go with the white stretch limo, okay? But

forget the hot tub. I want the red leather interior, though.

The wet bar, the VCR.

Hey, what the hell?

Let's go with the hot tub.

Right, okay, thanks.

Dan, you think maybe you've gone a bit overboard on this Jordan King business?

Harry Kent, you see, look at, I mean, I was meant to be rich.

Look at the way these suits hang on me, would you?

And look at this profile, for God's sake.

Yeah, you know, when you're rich, you can get that fixed.

And I will.

But first, I've got to play this just right.

Because, you see, if I ask King for too little, I'll be blowing the opportunity

of a lifetime. But if I ask for too much, he'll think I don't know what I'm

doing. That's why I'm going to open the bidding at $20 million.

$20 million?

You're right. Too much. You're right. $10 million. No, no, no. Round numbers

bad. $7 .5.

No, no. Then he'll think I'm trying to avoid a round number.

Dan, here's a wacky idea.

Why don't you ask him for fair market value?

Eric, you know I envy people like you. Guys who are satisfied with their little

five -figure salaries, but...

It's just not that easy for guys like me who hear the call to greatness.

All right, Dan. But I'm warning you, you keep this up and you're going to end up

with no friends in the world. You're going to be surrounded by leeching

sycophants who only like you for your money.

Gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

Okay, Doc. Well, thanks. Thanks a lot. Bye.

Hey, Mac. How's Kwame Lee doing?

Pretty bad.

I told her not to buy oysters from a street vendor.

Now, what am I supposed to do about that party?

Looks like we got ourselves a big Harry Bonny Fay girl.

Uh -uh. No way I'm hosting that thing.

Oh, come on, Mac.

No one's going to laugh at you just because you're demonstrating cosmetics

women.

Oh, don't worry, Mac.

All you have to do is read Kwan Lee's presentation.

Well, I don't know. Oh, trust me. You won't embarrass yourself.

What is beauty?

A butterfly, a hummingbird, it always flies away. But you can bring it home to

roost with the help of Bunny Faye.

After this, he might have to go into one of those witness relocation programs.

Now, just for attending, Bunny Faye would like to give you a complimentary

keychain for that special man or men in

your life.

Ross, would you pass these out for me, please?

You bet.

I'd like to begin by showing you our new line of Summer's Blossom Eye Makeup.

Now, how many of you hated when your eyeshadow kicked at the ridges? I know I

do.

Well, that is, that is, I know how much my wife hates it.

Juan Lee and I have been married a long time.

We've got a little daughter.

We could have a lot more if we wanted to.

If he starts bragging about his sperm count, I'm out of here.

Mr.

King will be with you in just a second. Okay, here you go. A little something

for your Trump...

I paid $2 .4 million for it last week.

Can I get you a drink?

Oh, no.

You know what?

I've been reading a lot about you lately.

Oh, yeah?

Nothing good, I hope.

Have a seat.

Oh, thanks.

Very beautiful couch.

You tell Mr.

Simons that we have nothing more to discuss.

That guy Simons thinks just because I'm Jordan King, he can hold me up for more

than he deserves.

No. Yes.

So sometimes, Dan, I have to make an example of one of these guys.

Show him that if you're going to play hardball with Jordan King, you better

your cup.

You all right? Oh, yeah.

You know what? If I could, maybe I'll have some water.

Fielding, what type of real estate do you prefer to invest in?

Commercial? Industrial?

Well, you know, actually, myself, I like to dabble. A little of this, a little

of that.

All right, Fielding. We both know why we're here.

I want that New Jersey property. I'm going to make a check out for it right

What do you want for it?

Cake.

Fair enough.

Well, I've thought it over.

that I cannot accept a penny less than... I'll

give you a million and a half dollars.

No. Did I say no?

Yes, you did. And I meant it.

All right.

Two million dollars.

You know, I really had my heart set on building a summer place out there. I

like it's a swamp. I'll use stilts.

Okay, Dan.

This. is my final offer.

Three million dollars?

I trust you can show yourself out?

Oh, yeah, you bet.

Yeah, I'm gone. I'm history. I'm a ghost. I'm in the elevator.

I'm down on the street. I'm having sushi. You're still here.

Yeah, you know, Jordan, this is a lot of money, but I don't think it would pay

for the speed bumps in the New Jersey project.

So what do you say you and I stop fooling around and we start talking

real money?

All right, Fielding, you win.

I do?

Yep. Whoa, I don't know what to say.

I feel strange. I feel numb. I feel... After

years of sucking up and

struggling, it is now...

You don't think I'm gloating, do you?

No, no, not at all.

I really wanted to develop that property, Fielding, but... Well, now I

I'll have to go with my alternate plan.

Alternate plan? Yes.

The Delaware Project.

Oh, no!

Oh, wait.

Jordy, babe, look at us. We're picking over pennies.

Three mil it is. Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.

That offers ancient history. But it was just a minute ago. Okay, okay, fine.

Two mil.

All right, fine, fine, fine. One mil.

Okay, just let me keep the base.

Just... I'm... I'm leveraged to the hills here.

And now you don't want to buy my swamp?

I've ruined... You know something, Fielding?

You're... a fighter. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I respect that.

And to show you that I'm a decent guy, I'm going to take that worthless

off your hands.

Okay. All right. But, of course, um, I'll have to have a number that

me at least a reasonable profit. You'll take what I give you and consider

yourself lucky. Yes, I will take you.

Here.

Here's your dress, this fella.

Mocked, dark, and faulty.

It's about time.

Would have had them sooner, but apparently the guy down in evidence has

hobby as you.

Just a little bit to extend the eye, and voila, a dramatic new you.

You have to admit it, Mac, you're getting much better.

So, ladies, who wants to be first to buy a Bunny Faye makeup kit?

I am not buying anything that makes me look like a hooker. Hey, I resent that.

Ladies, come back. Look, you forgot your keychains. Oh, now how

in the hell am I going to get rid of all this junk?

There's a phone. I'll call the theater.

What's wrong, fellas?

They destroyed all our makeup. We can't go on stage looking like this.

So, Dan, how'd it go with Jordan King?

Well, Harry, he's a tough cookie, but I made sure he'll never forget the name

Dan Fielding. He took you to the cleaners, huh?

Yes.

How bad was it?

$9 ,000?

That's pretty good for a piece of swamp land.

What'd you pay for it?

Cost a couple of bucks. Someday you're going to look back on this.

No, don't look back on this.

Hey, Matt. Yeah. I'm real sorry about laughing at you earlier.

Oh, hey, it's okay. No, that's something I never like to do.

Unless, of course, I'm out of earshot.

Ernie, look, don't worry about it. It was nothing that selling 12 cases of

makeup couldn't fix.

No! Oh, yeah!

You sold us! Oh, I bet Miss Bonnie Faye is going to be awfully proud of you.

Well, I wouldn't be so sure about that.

Well, Judge, I got to run.

But any time you want to see the show, you just let me know.

Thanks. My taste in impersonators tends to lean more towards... Rich Little.

You'll change your tune when you see Charlie in evening wear. By the way,

is Charlie?

Hey, watch it, butthead.

Come on, fellas, let's get out of here.

You ever have one of those days?