Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

Hey, Eric. Care for some airline snacks?

You know, most people only can get one or two bags of these. That is, unless,

course, they know somebody.

Somebody who works on an airplane, somebody who wears a stylish uniform,

not talking about the pilot.

Wow, you know a baggage handler?

No, well, it so happens that three gorgeous stewardesses at this moment are

my apartment.

Whoa. I see a wild game of Yahtzee tonight, huh?

Au contraire. It seems their shower broke, so they're using mine. And I

don't have to tell you what that might lead to.

A lot of hair in your drain.

So, sir, what do you think?

I think if we're done by nine, I'm going to be flying Lufthansa.

Notice anything different?

No. What?

Can't you see?

It's a lot shorter than it was.

Oh, yeah.

You can see that barraco's vein a lot easier now.

Ah, fielding. Have I got good news. Good. You finally found me an apartment?

an apartment. A show place.

Looking for new digs, Dad?

Mark Colson, Colson Realty. I can find anyone the apartment of their dreams.

Park Avenue, three bedrooms. What a view. Look at those high ceilings. Oh,

No more hitting your head when you use a trampoline.

Looks like a palace. Where'd you find this?

Well, I recently learned the current owner is moving to a far, far better

Oh, ick.

You're one of those creeps that go looking through the obituary to try to

apartments of people who just died.

I beg your pardon. I find apartments whose owners are about to die.

Hey, come on. The guy's 97 years old. He's on to his last two original organs.

Dan, that's low.

Oh, Mac, come on. Wait a minute.

When I signed with this agency, I didn't know he was doing this.

Yeah, sure, I want an apartment, but I'm not going to forego my humanity.

This is ghoulish. This is wrong. It's $200 a month.

You let me know the minute he croaks.

And while I applaud your efforts to bring culture to the people, I don't

New York is ready for Shakespeare on the interstate.

Guilty of obstructing traffic and a 50 -farthing fine.

Lay on, McDuff. Yes, sir. Next case, people versus Buddy Ryan.

Hi, Harry.

Buddy, what are you doing here?

Harry, that's a question that stumped philosophers for centuries.

So the charge is inciting a riot.

Apparently he tried to organize a mutiny on the Staten Island ferry.

Somebody had to.

Harry, those poor wretches were at their breaking point. They were exhausted,

overworked, their spirits crushed.

Buddy, they're commuters.

Well, obviously, because of our relationship, I'm going to have to

from this case. Oh, no, sir, that won't be necessary. The transit authority has

agreed to drop charges in light of the fact that he was a patient in a... Nut

barn?

Not anymore.

They had a budget cut. It was brutal.

What, you mean to save a couple of bucks they stopped your treatment and threw

you out on the street?

No, they stopped the square dances.

Just wasn't the same after that, so I checked out.

Mr. Prosecutor, how do the people feel about dismissing the charges?

What, let a banana cake loose on the streets of New York?

Join the party, eh?

Case dismissed.

That's one hour, people. And I sentenced Mr.

Ryan to have lunch with me.

Hey, that's great.

Harry, if they're serving broccoli, I can show you my shadow puppet of

Thatcher.

Christine?

I wanted to talk to you about your hair.

I knew it. I knew you noticed it. Oh, I noticed right away.

But nobody else will if you shave those suckers now.

So, buddy, you got a place to live?

Yeah, I'm headed over to my friend Norby's place.

Norby? Norby, isn't he the guy who has the fluorescent eyebrows?

Come to think of it, he does.

Well, you know, if that doesn't work out, you can always come live with me.

Boy, that's generous.

Why would you do that?

Because you're my father.

Who told you?

You did.

Remember? You and my mom fell in love at the institution.

We met a couple of years ago, and then...

Last month, you revealed to me that you're my father.

Oh, that.

Sons!

Oh, hey, Harry. No, what do you say, huh?

Stop by later. We can divvy up those stewardesses. You take domestic. I'll

international.

Sorry, Dano. I'm flying solo.

Building. Yeah. I just got off the phone with the hospital. Is he? Not yet.

But they called in a priest.

Yeah!

Oh,

everything is falling into place. Now all we have to do is slip five grand to

the building super.

Five grand? For a guy who sits in his basement, blows his nose in sandpaper?

Look, even a dump on Park Avenue rents for $2 ,000. You're getting a rent

-controlled beauty for $200.

All right, all right, all right.

Well, listen, you tell him for five grand when he comes over to fix my sink,

don't want to see any butt cleavage.

Swiss air?

Lufthansa? Air lingus?

You got me, Harry.

Buddy, I thought you were a sexy blonde Scandinavian.

Well, you're not the first one to make that mistake.

How'd you get in here, buddy?

The door was open.

There were three half -naked women running around here like they owned the

place.

Don't worry about it. I got rid of them for you.

Buddy, I thought you were going to stay with your pal Norby.

Oh, strange thing about Norby's place.

Turned out it was all in his mind.

That's a shame, too. Really had a great view.

Luckily, I remembered your offer to stay here.

Oh, yeah, I did say something about that, didn't I? Harry, isn't it great?

You and me, father and son, living together like a real family.

Well, yeah, what the heck? Why not?

And I intend to pull my own weight, too. No, don't worry about it. No, I insist.

In fact, I just put a fresh coat of wax on the sofa.

Oh, and I cleaned your records.

You cleaned my 78th?

Great job.

Got rid of all those pesky grooves.

No, no, no, Mrs. Janata.

It's just that Buddy likes to sing while he's puttering around.

Yes, yes, I agree. There is such a thing as too much of the Brady Bunch theme

song.

Having a few difficulties with Buddy, I take it, sir?

Difficulties? Not at all, no. In the last two days, he's done the cooking,

cleaning, even the laundry.

You know, that might look nice with some white go -go boots.

It's not just the laundry or the hour of gargling every night or the fact that

he staples my sheets to the bed.

But you put all that stuff together and it drives me crazy.

Sir, when two people move in together, there's always a period of adjustment.

I'm sure you'll get used to each other.

Harry, you forgot the squid sandwich I packed for lunch.

Your sayings. Oh, excuse me. I have to go have my stomach pumped.

Come on, Bull. Let's go with her. Oh, no, thanks. I had mine pumped last week.

Buddy, we've got to talk. Harry, speaking of pumps, I figured out what

clogging the garbage disposal.

What was it? Your hat.

My Borsalino.

Oh, Buddy, this is the finest hat made in the world.

That makes a darn good coffee filter, too.

All right, I've had it.

Buddy, I am trying to keep in mind that you're a special and unique person,

which you are.

But there is only so much that I can take before I'm going to end up in an

institution myself.

Sir. What?

They're waiting for you to start the session.

Fine.

Buddy, we will talk later.

Sure. I'm ready any time after now.

$50 fine.

Okay, Mac, what's the next?

We call them cases, sir.

Oh, I can't concentrate.

I shouldn't have yelled at Buddy like that. The man's my father.

Oh, come on, sir. He'll be fine.

Call Wilson and Wilson, disturbing the peace. Look, just keep your mind on this

last case and don't think about your father. Dad, it's all my fault.

No, I'm impossible to live with. No, no, no.

I shouldn't have yelled at you. You're my father.

You see?

Work is the best medicine.

I'll never yell at him again. I mean, he helped bring me into the world.

If a man can't put up with a few of his father's quirks, then what kind of a son

is he?

He ruined my hat.

What?

Okay, okay, maybe I overreacted. Hell, I can buy new records. I can strip the

wax off my sofa.

So the people would like to know what the hell you're talking about.

I'm talking about going home to my dad and doing what any decent son should do.

I'm going to eat my squid and like it.

Case dismissed.

Buddy?

Okay.

The doctor said it was okay to use your shower.

No, it is. I was just hoping you were a goofy -looking guy in his 50s.

Sorry to disappoint you.

By the way, there is a note here for you.

Dear son, I can see it's not going to work with us living together.

So I'm moving out.

It's hard to say au revoir, so let's just say au gratin.

what you're doing.

Do? Sure.

Reading the fire safety guidelines.

Don't worry. I won't give away the ending.

Come on. Hustle it up. Hustle it up.

Push those down a hall into my office. Be careful with this second rack. That's

virgin wool.

So, Dan, what's going on? You moving into a new apartment?

Well, I thought I was.

Just my luck, I get stuck with a guy who doesn't know when to call it a life.

Well, breathing can be a hard habit to kick.

I quit once for a week, but I couldn't have done it without gum.

Hey, pal.

Where do you want it?

Oh, follow me. I'll show you.

What do you do with all this cooking oil?

I entertain a lot.

I've looked everywhere.

His favorite taxidermy shop, the accordion museum.

Didn't you just love the Lawrence Weld Pavilion?

Where could Buddy be? He's been gone for 24 hours.

Oh, don't worry, sir. We'll find him.

Sure, in a city like New York, what could happen to him?

You know, this isn't really my fault.

I mean, maybe I was a little hard on him, but you gotta admit, Buddy is

eccentric.

Just that you calling somebody else eccentric is a bit like... Like Don King

saying you need a haircut.

And just what is it that I do that's so strange?

Well, how about the time you drove three hours to get a Bullwinkle Pez

dispenser?

Well, and the way you keep that plastic barf in the refrigerator?

Well, that's... And how about the way you lip -sync Arthur Godfrey albums

you clog dance on your roof?

Oh, no, that's me.

Got your stuff all moved, Mr. Fielding. Want a sign here?

Yeah.

I trust nothing was... punctured.

No, your lady friends are fine.

We ran out of storage room, so we left the big rack in the hallway.

What? You big head, you put my stuff in the hallway?

lining his shoes with your matador pants.

It's gone, Mac.

All gone.

Years of mail order catalogs.

Shopping under an assumed name.

But you know what?

I deserve it.

I mean, look how low I have stooped, rooting for a man to die just so I can

a nicer apartment.

You know, Max, sometimes I really hate myself.

I know what you mean.

Yeah.

You hate yourself sometimes, too, huh?

No, but I can see how you could.

You're right. You're right. I'm dirt.

I'm scum. He's dead!

I understand. If you do see him, give me a call, please. Thank you.

Buddy, Buddy, Buddy.

I know you're out there somewhere.

Boy, you're good, Harry.

Buddy!

Okay. Now it's your turn to hide.

One, two, three, four. Buddy, Buddy, come on in. Buddy, come in here.

Come in here.

You had me worried. Guy, your note didn't say where you were going.

Well, I would have told you, but I haven't found a place yet.

Well, then where have you been sleeping?

I haven't.

The most important part of sleep is the rapid eye movements, and I get plenty of

those when I'm awake.

Glad you're here, so I can tell you how sorry I feel about having yelled at you.

That? Oh, I wouldn't call that yelling.

You want to hear yelling, try changing the channel in the day room.

leave because I yelled at you, then why did you go?

Well, I realized that even though a person loves somebody,

they still might find them impossible to live with.

Buddy, you're not impossible to live with.

I was talking about you.

I'm tough to live with?

Well, no offense, but you're a lot more finicky than I expected.

Like how you always got to take your shoes off before you get in the tub.

The way you compulsively hang the phone up every time you're done with it.

Well, I guess you live by yourself long enough, you develop a few

idiosyncrasies. Oh, I understand. Hey, I'm no walk through the car wash myself.

Well, still, a son should show more consideration to his father.

Well, technically, I'm your dad, but I was never around to do all the

traditional father and son things with you, like teach you how to ride a bike

and take you to ball games and make airplanes out of lunch meat.

Yeah, I guess those Kodak memories are gone forever.

Well, that's why I wanted to move in with you, so we could spend some quality

time together.

And now that I've done that, I can move on.

Now that you've done that, buddy, we roomed together for 48 hours.

Well, to a mayfly, that's a lifetime.

By golly, you're right.

Besides, just because we're not living together doesn't mean that we can't stay

in touch. Sure.

I've got a little place nearby you can visit any time. The whole gang will be

around on Tuesdays for dodgeball.

Weekends are better for me. Sounds great.

Buddy, are you sure you're going to get by okay? I mean, you said you didn't

have a job.

I don't.

I got a tidy little pension from the railroad.

I didn't know you worked for the railroad.

Neither did I.

And as I understand it, for a while there, I was Richard Nixon's cabana boy.

Christine, I just noticed something.

When did you start using a non -dairy creamer?

Oh, this you noticed.

But I completely redo my hairstyle. I changed my look entirely. Not one of you

says a word.

Well, it's not that we didn't notice.

It's just that we couldn't agree on what to say.

You mean you discussed my hair as a group?

Well, it was just an informal gathering.

They made me sergeant at arms.

Oh, come on, guys. Just tell me what you honestly think.

We like it. It was a five to nothing vote.

Oh, thank you. This is such a relief.

You didn't happen to discuss my nail color, did you?

Three to one against with an abstention.

You're right.

Hey, Dan.

Any word from the grim realtor?

The apartment is in the bag.

I'm meeting the building super up by the shoeshine stand at midnight to get the

key. Once I sign that lease, I'm living on Park Avenue till I croak.

Well, I don't want to give you heart failure, but it's already ten after.

What? No.

My watch says quarter up.

That'll teach you to buy a Rolex at a convenience store.

Oh, my God!

Dan, you look a little fried around the edges.

I'm supposed to meet a man to get an apartment.

Whoa, you sure picked the right place.

All I had to do was wait for ten minutes. Some guy came along and gave me

344 Park Avenue.

What?

Drop by any time.

Bring your dodgeball.

So how'd it go, Dan?

Fine.

Hold this.