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Don't anybody move.
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Don't try anything silly.
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Believe me, we won't, Mr.
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Beepo.
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Beepo? You got a problem with that?
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Absolutely not on you. It works.
7
00:00:16,090 --> 00:00:19,450
I just heard some clown escape from
holding a... Hello.
8
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So, uh, Beepo, what seems to be the
problem?
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00:00:26,770 --> 00:00:30,190
Well, for starters, I'm a 48 -year -old
man named Beepo.
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Well, I can see how that might place you
under a lot of pressure, but I think
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that... You're not going to start in
with that, I'm a special human being,
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life is really worth living kind of
crap, are you?
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Not now, no.
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00:00:44,540 --> 00:00:47,900
Judge, are you just going to stand here
and converse with this man?
15
00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,440
Who is this annoying little insect?
16
00:00:51,380 --> 00:00:54,020
This is Clark Edwards. He's with City
Services.
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And I am conducting an official city
audit.
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00:00:58,250 --> 00:00:59,970
Eat a fiber cereal, Clark.
19
00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:04,390
Look, Beefo, what is it you want?
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I want a car.
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A real one for a change.
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Without 15 other guys in the back seat.
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I want a plane ticket to a place where I
can be around normal people who treat
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me seriously as a human being.
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And they wonder why I love circus
people.
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00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:13,740
Look, Beepo, I think we can all
understand what you're going through.
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00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:14,819
Oh, really?
28
00:02:14,820 --> 00:02:18,520
Have you ever had seltzer squirted down
your pants five times a day, every day
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for 25 years? No.
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But you've given me an idea for the
weekend.
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What was that?
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I'm going to find the SWAT team.
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I'm security.
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Bellevue. Come on, come on.
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Freeze!
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What do you think you're doing?
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Walking against the wind.
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Whoa! Really blowing out there today,
huh?
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00:02:51,980 --> 00:02:55,360
If anybody else tries to leave this
room, I'm going to plug them.
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00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:58,500
My God, he's going to kill us. Oh,
relax, Mr. Edwards.
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He's got a gun.
42
00:03:00,060 --> 00:03:01,340
How can you be so calm?
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Because thanks to the crack security
you've sent us down here, we've kind of
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gotten used to this sort of thing.
45
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Don't cry on my shoulder, Judge Stone.
We provide you with the best security
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money can buy.
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Yeah? Well, have you ever thought about
taking a couple of days to train them
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00:03:16,940 --> 00:03:17,940
first?
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00:03:18,620 --> 00:03:21,220
Your Honor, I've had a lot of experience
with hostage situations.
50
00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:24,880
I think our best bet is to shut off the
air conditioning, not let them have any
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food, then wait for negotiations to
break down and shoot him.
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You see, it's just some highway flares
with a cheap alarm clock.
53
00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:35,120
Sure looked real enough to me.
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00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:39,710
Well... But to the practice that I...
You've got to realize that I've been in
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00:03:39,710 --> 00:03:43,310
the explosive disposal game for nearly a
quarter of a century.
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00:03:44,890 --> 00:03:45,890
No kidding.
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Without a major mishap, I might add.
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Somebody call the bomb squad?
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Hallelujah!
60
00:03:53,810 --> 00:03:55,770
You. Okay, where's the bomb?
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00:03:56,490 --> 00:03:57,490
Right here.
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00:03:58,550 --> 00:04:01,870
Oh, boy, I'll bet someone's shorts are
full of bricks right now, huh?
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00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:08,978
what to do, boys.
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00:04:08,980 --> 00:04:10,100
Watch this, Watson.
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00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:15,680
All right. You make one move, I'll blow
your brains into the office downstairs.
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00:04:16,579 --> 00:04:18,540
I got no problem with that.
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00:04:38,130 --> 00:04:40,470
We're arresting Fielding. We had the
judge wired.
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00:04:40,790 --> 00:04:43,310
We're arresting the judge. We had
Fielding wired.
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00:04:44,490 --> 00:04:45,490
You mean?
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Oh, for crying out loud.
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00:04:49,910 --> 00:04:51,810
Isn't that the craziest thing?
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00:04:53,570 --> 00:04:57,470
Boy, you get a peanut vendor in here and
you get charge admission at this place.
73
00:04:58,110 --> 00:05:03,150
Well, fortunately, there is someone here
who manages to stay cool, calm, and
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professional at all times.
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00:05:06,670 --> 00:05:07,670
Excuse me.
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00:05:08,170 --> 00:05:11,390
Nothing. Oh, no, I distinctly heard
you... me.
77
00:05:13,430 --> 00:05:17,870
Well, to be frank, sir, there have been
several occasions when you've acted like
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a... World -class beanhead?
79
00:05:21,590 --> 00:05:22,590
Oh, really?
80
00:05:22,910 --> 00:05:23,950
Name one.
81
00:05:24,790 --> 00:05:26,870
Well, okay. How about the time you were
fired?
82
00:05:28,730 --> 00:05:31,450
I cannot believe this is Harris Lassidy
on the job.
83
00:05:31,750 --> 00:05:33,170
It won't be the same without him.
84
00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:35,580
No more whoopee cushions in the jury
box.
85
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,040
No more courtroom hootenanny.
86
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,360
No more Jane Pauly look -alike contest.
87
00:05:45,340 --> 00:05:47,060
I never did get my trophy.
88
00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:51,980
Oh, poor Harry. This whole thing must
have him really depressed.
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00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:24,280
broke his fall okay so once i was under
a lot of stress and i did something that
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00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:30,300
might be considered a little silly once
court part two is now in session the
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00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:32,420
honorable harold t stone presiding
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00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:09,500
is ready oh swell you have
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the temerity to come into my courtroom
dressed like that and you don't even
94
00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:19,560
one of these oh i get it it's turned
into gang up on the judge night around
95
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:24,120
huh oh no not at all harry we're just
waxing nostalgic about some of your
96
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we say less than Professional moments?
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00:07:26,820 --> 00:07:29,360
You are calling me unprofessional?
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00:07:29,820 --> 00:07:33,240
You want to hear about this guy's
unprofessionalism? Sure.
99
00:07:33,740 --> 00:07:35,520
Clowns love seeing other people
miserable.
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00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:40,720
There he goes.
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Daddy dearest.
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00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:45,120
I don't know.
103
00:07:45,420 --> 00:07:47,700
Believe it or not, I think Dan can make
a very good father.
104
00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:54,060
Hello, are we talking about the same Dan
Fielding who lobbied to instate leash
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laws for children?
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00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:58,020
No, I'm serious.
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00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:02,540
Underneath that smarmy, sex -crazed
exterior lies another Dan Fielding.
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00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:05,540
It
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was
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a gift for a sick friend.
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00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:16,240
I hope for your sake, Mr.
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Fielding, that this was not the
briefcase you billed the city for. Oh,
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relax. That one was destroyed in a court
-related incident involving Miss
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Sullivan's almost wedding.
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00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:29,220
Oh, I don't think we need to hear about
that one. It was a valid expense.
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I want to hear about it.
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I don't care if you've got a gun. The
answer's no.
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I'm afraid I'll have to insist.
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Okay, say she was wearing this real
zero. Harry was conducting the ceremony
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00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:38,159
the courtroom.
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I'll pay for the briefcase!
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Miss Sullivan!
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Oh, all right.
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To have and to hold through sickness and
health, rich or poor,
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for as long as you both shall live.
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cost me over $200.
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I can believe it. It's not leaking at
all.
128
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:47,400
And you think the state will allow that
one? Keep your trust on, Clark.
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00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:50,400
I've made sure that I'm never going to
have that problem again.
130
00:09:51,580 --> 00:09:53,200
Look at this. Check it out, huh?
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00:09:53,500 --> 00:09:56,660
It has a special feature. It's very
important for this particular courtroom.
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It can be sponge cleaned.
133
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,520
Not only that, it's indestructible.
134
00:10:11,180 --> 00:10:13,020
Guess you're lucky you weren't bragging
about your pants.
135
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,880
Hey, Beepo, is that really necessary?
136
00:10:23,420 --> 00:10:24,660
Yeah. I hate aluminum.
137
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:28,640
As long as you have a good reason.
138
00:10:29,620 --> 00:10:32,960
Your Honor, security's standing by and
the SWAT team's on his way.
139
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:35,880
Wouldn't want to be in your shoes.
140
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:39,240
Listen, Beepo, his real name's not
Beepo.
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00:10:39,710 --> 00:10:43,030
Found out we're really dealing with Milt
Rudman. I hate that name!
142
00:10:43,350 --> 00:10:46,710
He was picked up after starting a fight
with some guy at the circus.
143
00:10:47,170 --> 00:10:49,050
That geek started razzing me.
144
00:10:49,530 --> 00:10:50,830
He was a real nerd, huh?
145
00:10:51,250 --> 00:10:53,410
No, a geek. Got to bite the heads off
chickens.
146
00:10:55,130 --> 00:10:58,710
I was real ticked off, too, because my
fiancée just left me.
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We were in love.
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00:11:00,990 --> 00:11:03,030
She was going to have my name tattooed
on her.
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If there was room for it.
150
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:07,700
Uh, Pete, hey.
151
00:11:08,620 --> 00:11:13,400
Listen, I know it's a tough time for
you, it's bad, but now that you two have
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00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:15,740
split, um, you got a picture of her
naked?
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00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:21,600
This guy is sleazy as I think he is.
Hey, I am not sleazy. I am ethically
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questionable. In regards to women, there
is a big difference.
155
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:26,680
Oh, you're throwing out loud.
156
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:30,240
What would you call a man who goes down
to the docks to see off the Navy ships
157
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:33,180
and then passes out his cards to the
wives and girlfriends left behind?
158
00:11:34,140 --> 00:11:35,140
A visionary.
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00:11:37,310 --> 00:11:39,730
He's been like this since the day I met
him.
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00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:45,990
Christine Sullivan, legal aide, Dan
Fielding, assistant DA.
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00:11:46,350 --> 00:11:49,890
Hi, how are you? You know, I think all
this talk about the death of casual sex
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is premature, don't you?
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00:11:52,770 --> 00:11:55,330
I think all you're really interested in
is sex.
164
00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:06,260
I need satisfaction and I need it now.
165
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:09,240
I understand.
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00:12:09,820 --> 00:12:10,900
You want to be alone?
167
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:18,560
You are the most despicable form of life
I've ever met.
168
00:12:19,020 --> 00:12:21,820
You personify everything vile and ugly
about men.
169
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:23,800
I understand.
170
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:25,380
You need a little more time.
171
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:41,420
We could be magic together.
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00:12:41,860 --> 00:12:46,680
Dan, I thought you understood. I don't
want sexual satisfaction from a man.
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00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:48,120
No problem.
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00:12:52,180 --> 00:12:54,300
You're spineless and desperate.
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00:12:55,580 --> 00:12:57,860
All the qualities I look for in a man.
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00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:01,180
Meet me at midnight.
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00:13:02,460 --> 00:13:05,980
Midnight. Midnight. Yes, midnight.
That's good. Midnight. Are you
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00:13:05,980 --> 00:13:06,980
something?
179
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:09,200
Thank you, thank you.
180
00:13:10,460 --> 00:13:14,520
Now, my little mountain drop, no matter
how much you sweat, hold on to the
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00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:15,520
handlebars.
182
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,980
Oh, great. Well, yes, you can make it.
183
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:22,860
Terrific. I'm looking forward to it.
I've heard a lot about you.
184
00:13:25,140 --> 00:13:26,140
Candy?
185
00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:30,560
I have had every woman in this building.
186
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:36,460
I have had stewardesses from 14 foreign
countries.
187
00:13:38,180 --> 00:13:40,640
I have had den mothers.
188
00:13:48,140 --> 00:13:51,240
Do you have any idea what the act of
love is all about?
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00:13:51,700 --> 00:13:54,940
You've reduced it to its primitive form,
made it into some animalistic ritual
190
00:13:54,940 --> 00:13:58,500
totally devoid of any respect, humanity,
or commitment.
191
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:01,480
So what do you say?
192
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:12,400
Concentrate on the negative.
193
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,880
I mean, why don't you tell them about
all the good things I've done?
194
00:14:18,940 --> 00:14:19,960
What good things?
195
00:14:21,540 --> 00:14:24,220
What about when I saved your life? Have
you forgotten that?
196
00:14:24,460 --> 00:14:26,860
No, but I'm trying. He saved Christine?
197
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:31,620
It's true. If Dan hadn't been carrying
this card, she wouldn't be with us
198
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:35,360
Wanda's whip emporium.
199
00:14:36,940 --> 00:14:38,120
The other side.
200
00:14:40,810 --> 00:14:42,530
How to save a choking victim.
201
00:14:43,410 --> 00:14:47,490
Step one, give the victim a swift blow
to the back to clear air passage.
202
00:14:47,850 --> 00:14:53,850
Step two, clear the mouth of any foreign
object. Step three, loosen constrictive
203
00:14:53,850 --> 00:14:54,850
clothing.
204
00:15:10,570 --> 00:15:11,570
I've been sorry.
205
00:15:13,250 --> 00:15:16,230
Dan, you saved my life.
206
00:15:16,710 --> 00:15:18,850
Miss Sullivan, he felt you up.
207
00:15:21,210 --> 00:15:23,290
Dan, I owe you everything.
208
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,670
How can I possibly repay you?
209
00:15:29,050 --> 00:15:30,130
Sleep with me.
210
00:15:33,190 --> 00:15:34,410
Who the hell are you?
211
00:15:34,670 --> 00:15:38,540
I'm the hotel... manager, sir, with the
champagne you requested. Oh, great. You
212
00:15:38,540 --> 00:15:39,700
found it. Yes, indeed.
213
00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:44,260
Though it was a difficult task. After
all, Chateau Libido is not one of our
214
00:15:44,260 --> 00:15:45,260
usual brands.
215
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:48,080
Shall I unscrew it for you?
216
00:15:49,820 --> 00:15:53,240
Perfect. This could be the greatest
night of my life.
217
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,540
Okay, I want this over with before I
vomit.
218
00:15:57,940 --> 00:15:59,900
Let the good times roll.
219
00:16:08,910 --> 00:16:10,330
Let me count the ways.
220
00:16:11,290 --> 00:16:13,110
I know 52 of them.
221
00:16:14,630 --> 00:16:16,550
Right. Talk it deep.
222
00:16:17,590 --> 00:16:18,710
It's poop time.
223
00:16:26,430 --> 00:16:27,430
Oh, my God.
224
00:16:27,850 --> 00:16:28,850
What's the matter?
225
00:16:28,990 --> 00:16:31,490
Uh, uh, a spy statillation. I better
close this curtain.
226
00:16:32,870 --> 00:16:36,490
Jan! There's a man out on the ledge! A
man? Ho, ho, ho, ho!
227
00:16:40,740 --> 00:16:43,360
Because I'm 38 years old. Well, so am I.
228
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:45,080
And I'm a virgin.
229
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:46,960
Happy landings.
230
00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:52,540
All right, so you're not getting any.
Big deal. What about us guys who are?
231
00:16:54,720 --> 00:17:01,200
I didn't mean to ruin your evening. It's
just... Just what?
232
00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:03,640
I can't make up your mind about
anything, can you? Well, listen, if
233
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:05,400
to stay, stay. If you're going to jump,
jump!
234
00:17:11,849 --> 00:17:17,490
Let go. Let go of me. Let go of me. Hey,
hey, this man just saved your life, and
235
00:17:17,490 --> 00:17:19,310
now you've got to sleep with him.
236
00:17:25,530 --> 00:17:27,190
Oh, beep, beep, beep.
237
00:17:27,470 --> 00:17:30,310
If you listened to these guys, you would
think I was some kind of lowlife.
238
00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:35,510
Well, you know, Dan, when someone acts
as immaturely towards women as you do,
239
00:17:35,650 --> 00:17:37,690
he's really pretty much asking for it.
240
00:17:39,790 --> 00:17:41,550
What does that mean, this time?
241
00:17:42,430 --> 00:17:43,430
Oh, please.
242
00:17:43,610 --> 00:17:47,070
Do I really have to remind you how you
acted when my old roommate from college,
243
00:17:47,210 --> 00:17:48,270
Heather, came to visit?
244
00:17:49,030 --> 00:17:50,750
Hey, so what brings old Heather by?
245
00:17:51,010 --> 00:17:54,410
Well, she just flew in to host a seminar
upstate on motifs of death in Russian
246
00:17:54,410 --> 00:17:55,410
literature.
247
00:17:56,130 --> 00:17:58,110
Sounds like a real party animal.
248
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:02,770
No, you are really going to like her.
She's so sweet and she has a wonderful
249
00:18:02,770 --> 00:18:05,230
personality. She's a schnauzer.
250
00:18:07,110 --> 00:18:11,070
Oh, here she comes. Now, please. Please,
guys, please be nice to her. It's not
251
00:18:11,070 --> 00:18:12,490
like I'm asking you to fall at her feet.
252
00:18:13,410 --> 00:18:14,410
Christine, hi!
253
00:18:14,610 --> 00:18:21,110
Look at the way she walks.
254
00:18:22,730 --> 00:18:25,870
Yeah, kind of takes the wrinkles out of
the old robe, you know?
255
00:18:28,370 --> 00:18:35,330
Are you two done mentally
256
00:18:35,330 --> 00:18:36,370
undressing my friend?
257
00:18:36,710 --> 00:18:37,710
Hold it a sec.
258
00:18:42,030 --> 00:18:45,190
admit, she's very attractive, but
Heather has flaws and imperfections just
259
00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:46,029
everyone else.
260
00:18:46,030 --> 00:18:47,450
Do I detect a note of jealousy?
261
00:18:47,810 --> 00:18:49,050
No, no, it's true.
262
00:18:49,710 --> 00:18:51,370
You know what you even said to me about
you two?
263
00:18:51,950 --> 00:18:55,550
She said that she might consider taking
one of you two guys upstate with her for
264
00:18:55,550 --> 00:18:56,489
the weekend.
265
00:18:56,490 --> 00:18:57,770
Is that flighty or what?
266
00:19:11,820 --> 00:19:14,120
give the prosecution a chance to hose
down.
267
00:19:17,980 --> 00:19:21,320
I am ashamed of you acting like a
rutting pig.
268
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:23,660
I gotta be mean.
269
00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:28,980
You don't see Judge Stone behaving that
way, do you?
270
00:19:36,340 --> 00:19:40,020
Hey, I'm an emotional guy. You should
have seen me when I met Morley Safer.
271
00:19:43,899 --> 00:19:44,960
Judge Stone's office.
272
00:19:45,780 --> 00:19:46,780
It's the SWAT team.
273
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:50,020
Well, where the hell are they? They were
supposed to be here a long time ago.
274
00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:52,140
They misunderstood.
275
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:56,220
For the past three hours, they've been
surrounding a bar called the Port House.
276
00:19:56,860 --> 00:19:58,680
They'll be here as soon as they pay
their tabs.
277
00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:02,120
Well, call them back and tell them
they'll just be wasting their time.
278
00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:03,960
I'm giving myself up, Judge.
279
00:20:04,900 --> 00:20:06,960
What? I'm giving myself up.
280
00:20:08,620 --> 00:20:10,680
If it matters, you're doing the right
thing.
281
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:12,520
Doesn't matter.
282
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:18,120
You know, before I showed up here, I
thought I was the silliest, stupidest,
283
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:19,240
pathetic person I knew.
284
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,860
But you showed me there are even bigger
yo -yos in the world.
285
00:20:25,260 --> 00:20:26,260
Glad we could help.
286
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:28,320
Come on, Beep.
287
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,340
Sure. Where are you taking me? Strip
search.
288
00:20:31,540 --> 00:20:33,340
You're in luck. They fixed the heater
down there.
289
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:38,480
Well, Mr. Edwards, I guess you can see
that though our methods are a bit
290
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:40,540
unusual, we somehow get the job done.
291
00:20:41,850 --> 00:20:44,570
Your imaginative solutions don't
surprise me.
292
00:20:45,070 --> 00:20:48,530
After the unbelievable crock you tried
to pawn off on me today.
293
00:20:49,150 --> 00:20:55,330
What? You mean to tell me that after we
saved your weaselly yet sinewy little
294
00:20:55,330 --> 00:20:57,310
neck, you still plan to press charges?
295
00:20:57,650 --> 00:21:02,370
What I am saying is that I remain
unconvinced that for some reason bizarre
296
00:21:02,370 --> 00:21:05,290
incidents happen on a regular basis in
your courtroom.
297
00:21:25,390 --> 00:21:26,390
Believe everything you said.
298
00:21:26,550 --> 00:21:30,190
Just send me the bill and what do you
say we both forget we ever met each
299
00:21:34,370 --> 00:21:35,370
What's going on, Bull?
300
00:21:36,070 --> 00:21:40,150
Well, I went to the circus to find a
friend of Beepo's. But strangely enough,
301
00:21:40,150 --> 00:21:41,150
didn't have any.
302
00:21:41,250 --> 00:21:42,690
Is that where you got the elephant?
24406
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