Original subtitles

Sir, that thing started itching yet?

No. Good. Because when I had a cast on my arm, it would itch and itch. It drove

me crazy.

I had the same problem.

Felt like ants crawling up and down until it got to the point I wanted to

my arm off at the shoulder.

Commence scratching.

You didn't break more than just your wrist.

Well, you know, they should put up warning signs when they wax the floors

there. But fortunately, I'm young and rugged.

Yeah, I hate to think what would have happened had an elderly person come

around the corner like that on a pogo stick.

I suppose you'll be filing a claim with the city for this.

As a matter of fact, no, I won't. But why is that any business of yours, Mr...

Clark Edwards, City Services.

Accounting Division. That's right.

I've been sent to your court to undertake a full and complete financial

Uh -oh.

Something wrong?

There is always something wrong.

In fact, while reviewing your records for the past few years, we've come up

several discrepancies in your 1039Bs.

No!

Get the sign out, Harry. He's got it.

I wouldn't be treating this so lightly if I were you. There are serious

allegations of fraud involved here.

Come on, Mr. Edward.

You're going to have to come up with something better than a couple of

questionable bills to intimidate Harry T. Stone.

Gentlemen?

That ought to do it.

Mr. Edwards, you more than anyone should understand that it's very expensive to

run a municipal court in Manhattan. We are aware of that, but for some reason

it's proven considerably more expensive to run your particular court, Judge

Stone. Well, Harry, you ought to really do something about that.

Nice meeting you, Mr. Edwards. Hold on.

I'm afraid I have a number of questions concerning all of you, so please sit

down, Mr., uh... Ha!

Calhoun! Snuff it here, Calhoun!

Oh, just sit down, Dan.

Oh, Mr.

Fielding. Yes, please sit down. Especially you.

Why, especially me? I've never had a bogus expense in my life.

$5 .75 for rubber surgical gloves? There was a good court -related reason for

that.

Harry?

Something about a hurricane?

Yes, yes, of course.

Hurricane Mel hit New York. Right, right. And that Lamaze class was

brought in on charges.

The excitement must have been too much because suddenly all the mothers went

into labor.

I'm sorry.

Try pulling a cabbage patch at all through your nostril and see what kind

sound you make.

That's it. Just let it all out.

If you don't like it, you can leave.

I told you before, I don't need it.

Oh, fine. I'll go get you a mirror and some salad tongs, and you can do this

yourself.

I think it's coming.

Thank you.

Tommy, get me some surgical gloves.

From where?

My briefcase, top pocket.

Great. Now I can deduct them.

Do you make a habit of carrying rubber gloves in your briefcase?

No. He usually carries them in his wallet.

I think you're a deeply disturbed man.

Thank you.

Oh, come on, Edwards. You're not going to waste our time with penny -ante

items like that.

Oh, we can get bigger if you like. Much bigger. Say, uh, $17 ,538 in

termite damage.

Art, Art, Art, dear, dear Art, please don't think I'm trying to pry, but what

the hell are you doing?

I've got a work order here to fumigate the entire building.

We got a problem with termites.

How big a problem?

I'll, uh... I'll have to get back to you, Mac.

Now, see?

You can hardly blame that one on us now, can you?

I'm sure I'll find a way.

Coffee?

Oh, and that would be from the coffee maker you requisitioned on 7 July 1986,

just one month after we purchased you a new one.

Well, as luck would have it, there is a simple explanation for that one.

Oh, yeah.

That all started when those two sisters were fighting over who got to keep their

dead father.

Your Honor, my father's dying words were, no matter what, don't make me go

Arlene. Why, you liar!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Dying words? Is Dad dead?

There's a kipper on a cracker.

I'm sorry to say.

Well, just the way you were talking about him, I kind of got the impression

he was, you know, here.

He is, Your Honor.

This is Mr.

Huebner.

Gee, he's a lot shorter than I pictured.

Well, until I can make a determination about permanent custody, we'll just

consider old Herb here a ward of the court, which is adjourned.

Your Honor, the Huebner sisters are waiting to see you.

Herb's kids? What do they want?

Apparently they settled their differences and had some sort of

So what about the Ashes?

They said whatever you decide to do with them is fine with both of them.

Oh, well, okay.

But I haven't really made a decision as...

Hey, this thing's empty.

Oh, Daggy, I'm sorry, Ronto. I had to use that herb tea to test the coffee

maker.

This wasn't herb tea.

This was herb.

Mm -hmm.

Drank a dead man.

I know that one's a little unusual, but I'm sure the rest of these are ordinary,

run -of -the -mill items.

$422 for the care and feeding of international beauty contestants?

That's pretty self -explanatory. What else you got?

Well, I could tell when they came in that they weren't carrying any money.

You know, sometimes this is a great job.

Yes, Your Honor. Let me guess. This guy was caught peeping into their dressing

room. He's the victim, Your Honor. The ladies are the defenders.

You mean to tell me these sweet, innocent -looking young women? Beat the

out of this man.

Your Honor.

Clients were lured to New York under the guise of a legitimate beauty contest.

However, it turned out that Mr. Harris here did not have the prize money he

claimed to have. The girls found out during the competition and they

Your Honor, according to witnesses, Miss Congeniality led the attack with a kick

to the groin.

I mean

the bickering, not the sweetening.

your dress my name is bull

bull you know like the animal

bull like this

to buy food for those bathing beauties. Sure, how are they getting along?

Well, as far as I can tell, on look alone.

I just hope they know that at 30, the party's over.

Very well, I suppose one might make a case for that one. One might make a case

for all of them, and I'm not going to stick around here anymore, Mr. Edwards.

And do you know why?

Because there is not a single receipt in that box that does not relate to the

routine operation of a court of law.

$1 ,500 for an exploding broom closet?

Shatter up, Dan.

It so happens that was a direct result of an assignment given to me by District

Attorney Daniels. An assignment, I might add, he personally chose me for because

of his deep respect for my work.

This is the most menial degrading task I could find.

My niece is visiting from Indiana, and I want you to show her around tonight.

Uh, sir, normally I'd be enchanted, but I... Oh, too bad, Dan. Looks like you

get to play tour guide.

Yeah, to the little girl who lived in the shoe.

Say hello to my niece, Kitty.

What's the matter, Dan?

Kitty got your tongue?

If anything should happen between you and I, your Uncle Vincent's going to

out that I'm going to lose something that's very important to me.

Your job?

If I'm lucky.

Now, why don't you just sit down and watch the big trials, okay?

I'd rather sit on your lap and suck out your fillings.

Mr. Prosecutor. Yes, sir. Just a moment.

Just discussing dental hygiene.

And nothing will change my mind. Not even these pictures I took in the photo

booth in the lobby.

Oh, my God.

How did you get the stool that high?

No,

no, I can't. I'll die.

I understand you need some time to think it over.

Think about shot number three.

Want to join us for a sasparilli?

No can do, sir. I'm still checking for that water leak. I just fired off the

generator. I'm putting 680 pounds of compressed air into all the fire hoses.

Blew my pants off. So sue me.

Oh, I could do more than that, Mr. Fielding.

I could bring you up on fraud charges.

In fact, that goes for all of you. You could lose your jobs, your professional

standing, and spend the next ten years of your lives in prison.

I get the top bunk.

You know, with all that goes on around here, I'm surprised that someone hasn't

been killed.

I was.

I know I'll probably regret asking this, but could you please elaborate on that?

Well, you see, it was a dark and stormy night.

Art, what do you mean Bull was hit by lightning? I mean Bull, lightning, fried

bailiffs.

Where is he now, Art? He's in your office with the doc.

Mind if I smoke?

Doctor, is he all right?

That depends.

What did he look like before?

Just like that.

Well, then he's fine.

Spooky, but fine.

Fine? Art said his heart stopped beating.

Yes, for a few minutes he was clinically deceased.

But I'm feeling much better now.

Really, you look dead on your feet.

Oh, come on. If we can't laugh at the walking dead, who can we laugh?

It's a miracle he wasn't even hurt.

With the voltage he absorbed, it must have been like French kissing a life

jacket.

No, that feels different.

But, Mr. Shannon...

I have you down for two destroyed uniforms.

How do you explain that?

Oh, that one's easy.

I sat on a bomb.

I see.

Now, it appears that Mr. Shannon isn't the only one who had problems keeping

their uniform intact.

Was he?

Felix Russell.

I think you should know, Clark, my hobby is shoving things.

What are you talking about, Mr. Edward?

I'm referring to her uniform being torn apart by a Mrs.

Kwan Lee Duck Robinson.

That's my wife.

Oh?

Well, you see, the whole thing started when Harry was swearing in a bunch of

citizens.

Then at this time, I'm going to ask each of you to raise your right hand and

repeat after me.

Yes, sir, don't worry about me. It's just a momentary twinge. Are you sure?

Yes, sir, I'm sure.

Okay, then let's take another shot at it. Raise your hands and repeat.

I hereby declare an oath.

I hereby declare an oath.

Oath!

Oath!

Now cut that out.

If you're in pain... That wasn't me that time, sir.

Well, then who was it?

It was me.

What me?

What is it?

a contraction.

Are you sure it's a contraction?

Yes. I had one before.

How long before?

A couple minutes ago.

Oh, my God. They're two minutes apart.

What's going on?

Ah,

the love theme from The Exorcist.

Oh, what's the matter, honey? Is it starting to hurt again?

Well, here, just hold on to me.

Thank you for leaving the skin.

In about two minutes, I'm going to be completely naked.

All right, then. The reasons I have for the destruction of the three uniforms

are sat on a bomb, hit by lightning, and ripped to shreds by a small Asian

woman.

Sounds right to me.

All right, getting back to the subject of clothing, I have one here, Judge

Stone, for a replacement robe.

Actually, sir, maybe he's talking about the time your old girlfriend came to

visit you and she threw all your clothes out the window.

Thank you so much for refreshing my memory.

Take me, Harry.

Right here.

Whoa, I'm not sure this is right. This is a judge's chamber, you know. I mean,

technically it belongs to the people. It's just entrusted to me.

Got 20 minutes, Harry. Right.

They've all wondered.

Now you know.

I want you, Harry.

I want you.

Now.

As luck would have it, I'm free.

will you be mine?

Cuando, cuando, cuando.

Okay.

I want to do something crazy here. You want to be crazy.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Let's be crazy.

I bet you wanted to be crazy.

Well, yeah, but there are other things to consider.

Like what?

Like that.

Who the hell could that be at this hour? I don't know.

I just hope it isn't my husband.

Me too.

Your husband?

had to use your desk for a few minutes.

Meet Tarzan. You lucky.

Hi. Somebody's coming in.

Get under the desk.

Oh, Danny, our clone.

That's for all the needy children, sister. I'll get a receipt later.

picture. I know how it sounds, Mr. Edwards, but these things just aren't

fault. Oh, so you would have the city believe that you are some kind of magnet

for these bizarre occurrences.

Hey, I don't know how to explain it. It's just that weird things keep

here. It's true. Ask anybody.

All right, freeze.

Well, are you going to ask him or not?