Original subtitles

He's on his way. Everybody got your money ready?

What's going on?

Harry's old college lacrosse team is playing their big game this weekend.

Oh, you guys aren't going to bet against him again, are you?

Why not? It's sure money.

Every year, East Chesapeake gets smeared all over the field like so much cow

pastry.

Guys, you know that Harry bets out of emotion, and I think the least you can

for him as friends is to protect him from his own stupidity.

Well, she's kind of right. It is a bit of a sucker bet.

Yeah, that's true.

Hey there, sports fans. What do you say we go to 50 bucks a piece this year,

huh?

You got it.

So, you think your old alma mater's got a real chance this year, huh?

I'm telling you, Mac, this is the best team that East Chesapeake has had since

scrappy midfielder named Harold T. Stone scored the winning goal to bring mighty

Florida Tech to its knees.

Ah, the legend lives.

Anyway, the game's on cable this year, so Sunday afternoon, my place.

Oh, boy, I'd be there too, sir, except I have this little layover with a

stewardess friend of mine.

I've heard I'm going to be... Occupado.

Ooh, I got that once from eating day -old shrimp.

Oh, great, that's my rent.

I was just blowing my mail.

I can't believe I found you. John's father is in the hospital and his mother

wants us to fly up to Buffalo right away to see him. Oh, I'm sorry. Is it

something serious?

Oh, he slipped on the ice and broke a hip.

Oh, that's terrible.

Yeah, he's got to quit that senior's hockey league.

Yes, he should.

Anyway, I really need someone to take Katie for the night.

She's never been with a sitter and you're the only neighbor she's taken to.

Oh, well...

Yeah, I do have a kind of natural rapport with babies.

Sure, fine. Bring her by. I'll be home by 10.

Oh, can't wait. The plane leaves in an hour. We'll be back first thing in the

morning. But I'm still working. Oh, no, no, no. Everything is here.

Diapers, food, rattle. Oh, and here's the number where we'll be.

Bye, lamb child.

But, Jen! Oh, oh, oh.

Bottle before bedtime.

Burp her twice in. Oh, she hasn't made a boomer all day. Bye.

There we go.

Oh, look at that face.

Can we see a smile?

Can we?

Can we?

Miss Sullivan, could we possibly get the old legal ball rolling here?

Can we?

Can we?

Ready to proceed.

Let's go.

Uh, moment, sir. You're not going to let her keep that little booger maker in

here, are you?

I only have a few more cases left. She'll be fine, really.

Oh, excuse me. I forgot her binky.

I like a good after -dinner binky myself.

Roz, why don't you take the baby out in the hall and walk her till we're done,

huh? People versus Rosullo.

Mr. Prosecutor? Yes, sir. Mr. Rosullo is charged with fraud in connection with

his Happy Wheels driving school.

I've been in business ten years. Only one complaint.

Your Honor, Mr. Rusullo puts the students in front of a big screen TV

steering wheel attached to it.

Shows them videotapes of traffic situations.

Hey, my school teaches all the basics.

Yes, it includes this useful pamphlet entitled, Finger Gestures for the Open

Road.

My client requested jury trial, sir.

All right, Mr. Rusulo, I am going to remand your case over to the grand jury.

And as for you, Mrs. Wu, I will suspend all charges as long as you promise to

enroll in a legitimate driving school. All right.

Thank you, sir.

Well, you know, it's the thing that chaps me about babies. It's always me,

me.

Oh, there, there, there. We had a little air bubble in our tum -tums, didn't we?

Let's just try to pull things together and finish these last couple of cases.

Mac, what's next?

Um, sir, I think I need a short recess. What is it now?

Whoa!

Court's adjourned.

Nice going, sir.

Hey, I'm sorry. I'm a judge.

I gavel.

Uh, sir.

Oh, sir.

I, uh, I had a thought about that big game on Sunday. Uh -huh.

Well, you know, we've got that big -screen TV from the driving school case.

Mac, are you suggesting that I misappropriate evidence for my personal

my dear Lord, no.

I just thought it might be safer if we stored it in your chambers over the

weekend.

Well, I'll trust your judgment in that.

Just make sure we don't get any glare from the window.

Need any help?

Sure. Find a place for this.

happy to stop over later if you need some help with the kid. Oh, thanks, Roz.

No, I'll be fine.

Matter of fact, I'm kind of looking forward to it. You know, I'm kind of a

natural when it comes to taking care of babies.

Well, see you Monday.

Oh, Christine.

Roz, maybe you could help me to the car.

Can you say 911?

I'm so glad I caught you. Oh, Sherry, baby.

Oh, I see we're still in uniform. That mean you want to play locked in the

cockpit? It means I'm flying out tonight.

What? One of the other attendants is sick, and they're a little short

Can't the people get their own peanuts for just one flight?

I'll be back Sunday.

I'll come straight from the airport.

Hey, Dan!

Guess what? We're going to watch the lacrosse game this Sunday on a big

TV.

Oh, boy, keep my feet from dancing.

Did you say lacrosse? That's my favorite sport.

Really? I was on the girls' team at BU.

No kidding, Dan. Is that an amazing coincidence or what?

Oh, wow, wasn't this a Twilight Zone episode?

Oh, I'd love to see that game.

Danny, do you mind?

Oh, mind?

No, it was going to be my little surprise.

I'll see you Sunday.

Oh, gee.

So can I put you down for nachos?

It's 6 a .m.

Gotta sleep sometime.

Okay, okay.

How about one more story?

Um...

as the Prince and Princes of Wales.

And they had a beautiful wedding, and they lived very happily in the beautiful

castle, in spite of what you may read in the yellow tabloid press.

Oh, no.

I hope you choke on a worm!

Oh, I bet that's your mommy.

Hello? Oh, Jan. Oh, thank God. I'll bring her right down.

What do you mean you're still in Buffalo?

Haven't they ever heard of a snowplow?

Yeah, yeah, the baby's just fine.

You'll be what?

Another two days?

Excuse me a minute.

I didn't know we were supposed to wear something stupid.

I'll have you know, this is the very uniform I wore the day I broke through

enemy defense and scored the winning goal to bring mighty Florida Tech to its

knees.

Well, I've almost got this hooked up, sir. I tapped into the dish on the roof.

Okay, we're here.

You know, Harry, I thought... the why ties were bold, but this is a true

statement.

I think it's kind of sexy.

Okay, later a helmet and protective cup it is.

We're all set, sir.

All right, all right.

It's big.

It's great.

It's the courthouse lobby.

You know what?

I accidentally hooked up to the building security.

Well, fix it.

It'll take a couple hours to hook up a new cable.

What? Hey, I don't mind watching this.

Look, Frank the Guard's having his lunch.

I know.

Let's go to Christine. She lives closest and she's got cable.

Come on!

You know what, Harry? I don't think... I think it's right, just barging in on

her like this. Oh, come on. She thrives on company.

What?

Miss Sullivan?

What do you want?

Well, we were kind of hoping we could watch the lacrosse game on your TV set.

Oh, hey, sure. Come on in. The more, the merrier.

Oh, my.

You've, uh, you've changed something.

Uh -oh, look at this.

These two bears are getting the most action ever seen in this apartment.

Teething biscuit, anyone?

Teething biscuits, great.

There's my guys. There they are, the old yellow and green.

What is that giant chicken doing down there?

That's Gus, our mascot. And he's not a chicken. He's a grouse.

Your school mascot's a grouse?

Dan, for your information, a grouse is one bird that you don't want to tangle

with. And here's the face -off.

The ball belongs to East Chesapeake, and the grouse go on the attack.

I don't know what it is about this game that drives me crazy.

Maybe it's how the action builds.

Slowly, to a fever pitch, the back and forth, the undulating

rhythm of the game.

One man raises his stick above the rest, and the force... Oh,

yes!

Uh,

Christine? Yeah?

Tide's in.

again? Doesn't anything stop on the way through?

Come on, sweetheart.

Oh, Max, sorry about that.

Oh, no problem.

I got an old cat at home that does the same thing.

Oh, hey, that's okay. Don't anybody offer to help. I'll just do it myself.

Okay.

Aunt Julie's at the Midfield Stripe. Yes!

He heads down the far sideline. Yes!

Cuts right into the open. Yes! He's got one man to beat.

Yes! Shoots and scores!

We've won!

I'm glad somebody did.

I'm sorry, folks. There's nothing I can do for her.

You mean the baby?

Oh, the baby's fine. It's Miss Sullivan. She won't stop crying.

So the baby doesn't have to go to the hospital?

No, but I'll stick around for a few more minutes to make sure everything's okay.

Usually a tumble from a bed doesn't cause any serious injury. And these

tykes are tougher than you think.

Yeah, when I was a baby, I rolled clean off a roof.

Of course, there are limits.

Well, I suppose we can turn the game back on.

Thanks, Mac. I didn't want to be the only one who appeared insensitive.

I hope we haven't missed anything.

And with that last goal, it's Chesapeake 1, Florida Tech 19.

No!

How could that possibly happen?

Hey, isn't that your chicken being carried off on a stretcher?

with the outcome here virtually decided, we'll be switching over now to bring

you the big wheel tractor pull in its entirety.

All right!

Uh, what a shame. Okay, come on. Let's go back to my place, Sherry. We can play

the stewardess and the naughty smoker. Oh, I can't, Dan. Not now.

What? Oh, when a team loses like that, I feel so bad.

I couldn't possibly be with another human being right now.

But I'm not a human being.

Ask anybody.

Well, I guess we all might as well leave.

Well, what about Christine?

Oh, don't worry about me.

You sure you're going to be okay?

Okay? Why shouldn't I be okay?

A dear friend just entrusted her pride and joy to me, a helpless infant, and I

nearly killed it. Why wouldn't I be okay?

Maybe you guys should just run along and let me handle this.

Yeah, go save yourselves before I try to kill again.

I may be able to help.

Help? You're a man.

All you care about is riding around in your pickup truck and hanging out in

with your pot -bellied buddies and guzzling beers and picking up bimbos

satisfy your disgusting animal lust.

Great reception on the TV.

Christine, tell me something, woman to woman.

What the hell is the matter with you?

Isn't it obvious, Roz? I'm not fit to be a mother. I'm a failure as a woman.

I might as well buy wingtips and let my mustache grow.

Oh, so that's what this is all about. The baby rolls off the bed, and you

you can't have children.

It's not just the accident, Roz.

It's the whole weekend. This has been three days of living heck.

Well, what did you expect? A party? Yes!

I don't know.

Ross, all my life, I have dreamed about having a baby.

I'd play peekaboo, and I'd sing lullabies, and she'd fall asleep in my

But this baby cried, and she wouldn't sleep, and she cried, and she wouldn't

eat, and, Ross, I got so frustrated that I came this close, this close to

swearing.

Christine, there's not a mother alive who hasn't had those same feelings.

Where do you think kids learn all those dirty words?

I know you're trying to make me feel better, but as far as having babies,

made my decision.

This womb is closed.

Well, before you board up the old fetal factory there... Listen to me for

a second.

Those feelings you had are natural. Oh, come on. It's true.

Roz!

At one time, I wished that that baby would just go away.

That sweet, innocent, beautiful little baby.

Oh, God, I could just gouge my eyes out with a tinker toy stick.

Christine, let me tell you a story.

About a young mother whose baby screamed and cried and kept her up night after

night.

Even the doctors didn't know what was wrong.

But she stayed right by that baby's side, and everybody in the neighborhood

thought she was a saint.

Did they ever find out what was wrong?

Turned out it was a food allergy.

But I'll tell you something.

That mother confided to a friend that there wasn't a day that went by that she

didn't feel like just walking out and never coming back.

Isn't there supposed to be some kind of maternal instinct that just kicks in?

God gave us the instinct.

He just forgot to give us an owner's manual.

Do you think that this woman felt as guilty as I do right now?

Sure did.

But she got over it.

Personally, I think the reason she stayed is because I was just so damn

It was your mom?

Yeah.

In fact, she told me right after that I said my first word.

Mama.

Caca.

I've been bad a long time.

Oh, my God, what's wrong now?

We call this crying.

There. Oh, nice touch.

Seemed to have a gift with children.

No.

This is the gift.

Only it just doesn't come with those easy -to -follow instructions.

Oh, come on. Let's go take a bath.

Only this time, let's not eat the bubbles, okay?

I overheard your story about your mother.

It was nice.

You, uh, mind if I share that with some of my patients?

You can if you want.

I made the whole thing up.

It worked, didn't it?

In what is being called the greatest sports comeback of all time, the East

Chesapeake Grouse scored a record -setting 19 fourth -period goals to

Florida Tech 20 -19.

Unbelievable!

I guess getting rough with your chicken really fired him up.

Any news on the tractor pull?

I can't believe I lost 50 bucks on nerd hockey.

S 'il vous plaît.

Thank you all for your patronage. Same time next year, go grouse.

Oh, by the way, Christine's taking a vacation day to catch up on her sleep.

Glad to hear that. I'd rather have her not off at home than on my bench.

So I guess we're all ready to start.

Not quite.

How much are you going to pay me to keep quiet about this?

About what?

Printed by Funtime Novelty Press.

Your team didn't win. You made this up.

30%. 60%. 40%. 55%. 50%. Deal.