Original subtitles

Okay, bully boy, let's go do that voodoo that we do so well.

Can't just yet, sir. We're short one defense attorney.

Well, where is Miss Sullivan?

Beep, beep, your honor. Coming through.

Hot stuff.

Watch yourself.

Thank you.

That is the ugliest handbag I have ever seen.

It was a turkey, your honor.

You know.

So I suppose Miss Sullivan is going to inflict Thanksgiving dinner on us?

Well, not exactly on us. But she wanted to do something for all the people

around the courthouse with no place else to go.

So she's giving them the bird.

What a nice gesture, huh?

Hey, Mac, we got a lot of cases to do tonight, don't we?

Uh -huh. So what do you say we get right into it? What do you got there?

Pocahontas and John Smith.

Oh, them again?

Personally, I thought he checked into her wigwam under an assumed name.

I mean, John Smith.

Get real, huh, Mac?

Are you talking to me, sir?

I guess not.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. It's just I'm a little disconnected with all this stuff

got to study since I went back to college.

The parade of American history.

I don't know why I've got to learn all this stuff.

You lucky dog.

Excuse me. I'm wondering if I'm in the right place.

Not yet, but let me give you my address.

I'm looking for someone.

Aren't we all?

His name is Mack Robinson.

Oh.

Mack.

Oh, hi, Lenore. Come on in. You bring your books? Right here. Oh, great.

Everybody, this is Lenore Grant. She's one of my classmates at City College.

Hi, Lenore.

So, Lenore, what career are you studying for?

I really haven't made up my mind, but I'm sort of thinking of being a

biochemical engineer.

Either that or a model.

Tough choice.

I know I always regretted I didn't do both.

But first I have to get by this American history midterm.

Oh, it's going to be a bear.

That's why Mac and I decided to get together and study every chance we have.

The old late night cram session, huh, Mac?

The only thing is, you're a little early, Lenore. Yeah, we're not going to

a break for at least a couple of hours.

But I tell you what, you can use my office to study while you're waiting for

Matt. Great, thanks.

Come on, I'll show you where it is. Oh, this will work out great.

You can start the American Revolution, and I'll be there by Bucker Hill.

Oh, boy, college days.

I used to love those study groups.

You mean groups?

Very often, yes.

Okay, Mac, what do you say we try to finish off one more case before the

Will you be requiring a defense attorney to do that, sir?

Well, where is she now?

I believe she said she had to go out and drain her giblets.

Shouldn't she have her doctor do that?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I couldn't get the cranberry jelly to

of the can all in one complete log.

Any reply, and I'm going to have to find myself in contempt.

I managed to get that stupid blob about three -quarters of the way out, and then

it just kind of hung there on the lip of the can, kind of quivering and

wiggling, and I knew if I pushed it too hard, it would split off. Oh, well, you

know how it is when that happens.

Miss Sullivan, do you suppose that I might be able to persuade you to pull

your myths and practice a little law with us?

Oh, yes, I'm sorry. Of course, I'm sorry. Yes, sir.

Okay, maestro, let her rip.

Call people versus Borsotti.

It's just like a dream I had the other night.

Your Honor, these are the rolling rangerettes.

We owe pleasure to meet you.

Come on, give me a break. I had to work on a holiday.

Right, get her.

Yes, sir. It seems the perky pilgrims here were appearing in the Macy's parade

when they became victims of Mr.

Borsatti's burst of temper.

The victims? They're the victims. What about me?

And what about Winky for crying out loud?

Winky for crying out loud?

Winky the bunny rabbit, sir. It's one of those huge balloons you always see in

the Macy's parade.

Unfortunately, Winky met with a tragic accident.

Oh, my God, something happened to Winky?

He was my pride and joy, Judge. I had 12 years of my life in that balloon, and

no sooner did we start stepping off down Broadway when these twirly girlies try

and knock me down.

It wasn't our fault, Your Honor. I begged the parade officials not to put

behind the horses.

Apparently, they had to do some fancy footwork to avoid the, um...

Minefield of meadow muffins.

Who writes this stuff?

Due to their sudden deviation from course, they slammed into my client,

caused him to lose his grip on Winky's tether.

I love it when you talk like that.

Mr. Prosecutor. Sorry, sir. Mr. Borsotti responded by shoving the girls into the

St. Francis Boys Choir, apparently causing several of the lads to jumpstart

puberty.

Yeah, I was kind of wondering that myself.

Winky is airborne, sir.

Airborne? Oh, yeah. Takes at least two guys to handle the big ones. What with

wing gusts and all.

When I got knocked down, poor Irwin didn't stand a chance.

And Irwin is... Somewhere over New Jersey would be my guess.

Sir, since Irwin presumably has relevant testimony, would a postponement be in

order? Yeah, I guess we should put this case on ice until Winky hits a

downdraft.

Okay, that's lunch, people.

And you are all invited to stay afterwards in the cafeteria for a

Thanksgiving feast. I've made plenty of food, so come and get it, everyone.

Evening, sisters.

Boy, the church has really loosened up its dress code.

So I guess the answer would be King George and Lord North did the

Act. Right.

All right.

Okay, what's the next question?

What do you do, pump iron?

I don't see that here.

No, I mean here.

Oh, well, I try to stay in shape.

I admire a man who takes care of his body, Mac.

Oh, thanks.

Let me see here now. The Federalist Papers.

Physical appearance is important, don't you think?

Huh? For instance, I know I want people to find me attractive.

Well, I don't think you have to worry about that, Lenore.

Now, here's a stomper for you.

Explain the significance of the doctrine of manifest destiny.

Manifest destiny means there are things that are just destined to happen.

Yeah. So, why fight it?

I am very strongly attracted to you, and I know that you want me as much as I

want you.

Whoa, I touched you.

Mac. No, no, this is crazy.

Mac. But the thing is, you're so young, and I'm so married.

Here you go, Bull.

Sir, what happened to the olives?

Table three is wearing them.

Hi. Love your eyes. Love your thighs.

Love your hips. Love your lips. Love your hair.

Nice butt.

Here you go, Phil.

Bon appetit. Hey, thanks.

This stuff looks, um... What's the word?

Edible?

No.

Would you like to sample my yams?

Right here?

With the lights on?

Sure. Sorry, I had a Dan attack.

They've all been served.

Oh, thank you, Roz. Okay, everybody, dig in.

Dan, would you like some yams?

No, thanks. I'm on a strict diet. I can't eat any food that's the same color

Lucille Ball's hair.

I just hope this dinner made their day a little brighter.

Oh, yeah, they all seem real happy.

Sure, they all hopped up from snorting mashed potatoes.

See you in a while, Dan.

Not if I see you face.

Let me guess, Dan, you are planning an evening of freewheeling debauchery with

one of those roller maidens.

Harry, I'm offended.

They're all coming over.

So what brings you here?

That's our boy.

Do you know where Mac is? Yeah, he's in my office studying for that big exam.

Since he couldn't be home for Thanksgiving dinner, I brought him some

Leftovers? They're the best part.

My mom made a great turkey shake.

Well, I think it's really sweet that you came all the way down here to bring Mac

some. Oh, my God!

That must be the traditional... Shark face pie.

Mm -mm.

Nothing says lovin' like fish heads in the oven.

Max, slow down.

Look, what do you say we jog a couple laps around Manhattan? You know, work

a little tension. Come on now, Mac, don't be so shy.

Oh, look, Lenora, I'm sorry, but this just can't happen. Mac, please, just

this out before you decide.

Mac? Hello.

Guess he's already had dessert.

Let me guess.

This isn't what it looks like.

Oh, no, sir. No, sir. It sure isn't.

is an easy explanation.

Somebody give me an easy explanation.

A deadly water moccasin crawled out of the bathroom sink and bit her on the

mouth.

There was no time to lose, so thinking quickly, you were sucking out the

Right, Mac?

Boom.

What, too easy?

All right, Mac. Who is she?

I almost forgot. Where are my manners?

Lenore, this is Kwan Lee.

His wife.

Kwan Lee, this is Lenore Grant, my study buddy.

Must be an oral exam.

It's very nice to meet you.

I doubt you'll think so after I gouge your eyes out.

Well, my, since you're going to be discussing the latest in optometry, why

we just...

Sneak off to the mall shop.

Mac, take some advice. In situations like this, there's only one thing to do.

Fake a heart attack.

Well, at least you didn't sneak around to do your nasty stuff.

Juan Lee, would you let me explain? I think maybe I'd better be the one to

explain. Oh, no, no, no, it's okay. No, I'll tell her. No, let the slut explain.

You see, Mrs. Robinson, I kind of developed a crush on Matt.

On your husband.

Honest, it wasn't his fault at all. See?

It wasn't my fault.

Oh, and I suppose these weren't your lips washed up against her face?

I think maybe I'd better go.

Oh, was it something I said?

Or was it the fact that I was president of the machete club in high school?

I'll just finish studying on my own.

All right, lover boy.

Let's hear your lame excuse.

Look, Kwan Lee, come on. Let's go someplace quiet so we can talk.

Oh, you weren't worried about privacy a minute ago.

Ah, gee, Bull's right. If you press your ear against the door, you do hear

termites chewing.

Goodbye, Mac. I'm going home. to mother.

Quan Li, your mother's dead.

Picky, picky, picky.

Oh, uh, Miss Sullivan, there you are.

Um, listen, I, uh, I wanted to thank you for the meal.

Oh, well, you are entirely welcome.

Was it good?

It was, um, how can I put it?

Hey!

Oh!

What's the matter?

You look terrible.

Even for you.

After a lifetime of eating out of dumpsters, I'm taken down by bad

yams.

That's ridiculous.

It couldn't have been the yams.

I'm not the world's greatest cook, all right, but I'm not that bad.

And a plumber. We're not equipped for this kind of volume.

Quandy.

Quandy, look, would you calm down?

Look, if you want to hurt me, you've got to throw something heavier.

Oh, I will.

I'm just perfecting my aim first.

How could you do such a thing, Mac? I'm trying to tell you I didn't. Oh, then I

guess I just imagined all this.

Excuse me, but the newsstand is out of an accident, so I have to break into my

private stash. Boy, does this remind me of my trip to Mexico. Resume firing.

Really, Mac?

Did you think I wouldn't find out about you and little Miss Hot Pants?

Look, just because I was in another woman's arms kissing her doesn't mean

there's anything between us. There wasn't room for anything between you.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, but we're running short of after -dinner

I'm sure this was not my fault. If you ask me, it was the cafeteria... I'm

interrupting something, aren't I? Yes, you are, Christine. Get out. Okay.

I'll never forget that, Mac.

The sight of you in another woman's arms. Quanli, look what you're listening

me. Now, you gotta believe me. It wasn't my fault. I didn't do one thing to

encourage her.

I know.

You know what?

I know what the problem is.

You're a chunk.

A chunk?

Handsome, incredibly attractive man.

I think you mean hunk. Oh, that's right. Make fun of my grammatization.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me get this straight. I'm a hunk, and that's

the problem.

It's a big problem to me.

I worry about it all the time.

I feel like I'm always in competition.

With who?

With women who are younger, or who are smarter, or who can pronounce the letter

L.

You'll find someone better than me.

Oh, there is no one better than you. That's why I went back to college.

What the hell are you talking about?

Maybe this will help you understand.

You ever heard the saying, the price you pay for excellence is your own sweat?

No, but it's lovely.

Well, that's what going back to college and burying my nose in those books is

all about.

It's the price I'm willing to pay so we can have a little excellence in our

lives. You're all the excellence I ever needed, Mac.

And you're all I ever needed, baby.

But I need to better myself if I want to provide you with the finer things in

life.

Like this.

This is something that you've been wanting for a long time.

Oh, Mac.

A bug zapper.

Turn it over.

It's a diamond ring.

You remember the night you showed me this ad and said, look, Mac, isn't it

beautiful?

That was a long time ago, Mac.

Two years.

I ripped it out of the paper that same night.

And you've been carrying this with you ever since?

I never had enough cash to buy you a fancy wedding ring.

But someday I'm going to fix that.

No.

No what?

No, I don't want it.

What?

Just let me have the picture, okay?

But I don't get it.

No ring could ever match the beauty of why you held on to this little scrap of

paper.

I love you, Max.

I love you too, Quan Li.

Then you forgive me for wanting to slay the little bitch?

Come here, dragon lady.

I just wanted it to be something special.

No, don't worry about it, Miss Sullivan. I'd say your Thanksgiving dinner made a

big splash.

Several, in fact.

Hey, Doc, what's the scoop?

Well, I examined 63 people. They all seem to be suffering from the same

It's some kind of epidemic, right? Probably the flu?

Nope. Bad yams.

They feel lousy now, but as soon as the bacteria passes through their system,

they'll all be fine.

And there's nothing we can do?

I wouldn't eat the yams.

Oh, this is so humiliating. How could this have happened?

Well, look at it this way, Christine.

Your dinner was so good, it came up and took a bow.

Oh, here's our hostess now.

You see, we must have your recipe.

Oh, Dan, shut up.

You told me to shut up? You turned my dream dates into the Wretching

Rangerettes?

Listen, everyone, I just want to say I'm very sorry for all this.

All I really wanted to do was... Okay, I know it sounds corny, but what I wanted

to do was to reach out to my fellow man to show how grateful I am.

In spite of the circumstances at the moment, I hope that we can all see how

truly blessed we are.

You don't know the half of it, lady.

Erwin, thank God you made it back okay.

Yeah, Winky and I had a couple of anxious moments.

How the hell did you get down?

Well, we must have been up at least a couple of thousand feet when the Air

Force... picked up Winky on their radar screens and shot us down.

Those gutless bunny killers.

I guess to them we looked like a Soviet mig.

Oh, I'd be a sidewalk pizza if it hadn't been for that awning on the Weatherby

Hotel.

An awning broke your fall?

Are you kidding?

Mr. Barsetti, I bounced off it right into this big fall clearance banner on

front of the store across the street, which flung me onto the top of a passing

bus. The driver took a sharp turn at Battery Park and threw me off right into

bed of chrysanthemums.

That's what broke my fall.

Erwin, you've got to be the luckiest man in the world.

No.

Dan Quayle is.