Original subtitles

Oh, what's the matter, Skippy? Your Play -Doh all dry up again?

No, I just smashed a spider with Roz's favorite coffee mug.

You know, the one she claims Mike Tyson once spit into?

And you broke it.

Yes!

Oh, come on, Bull.

I'm sure if you tell Roz exactly what happened, she'll be very understanding.

I found a butthead who stole my coffee mug.

I'm going to yank his shorts through his nose.

Would that hurt?

Oh, yeah.

We'll try to fix this later.

Okey -doke, jet -setters. I got that limo rented for tomorrow night. So how

of you are coming with me, huh?

To what, sir?

To what, sir? The awards banquet.

Don't you remember? I'm getting that humanitarian award from the Society of

Goodfellas.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, how many takers?

Oh, boy, would I love to go, sir, but I've made a prior commitment with a

lady that I'm honor -bound to keep.

Must mean she wanted the money up front.

I'd really like to go, sir, but my women -in -law group meets tomorrow night.

Oh, yeah, and what's the topic this month? Lip gloss and litigation?

Well, isn't anybody coming with me?

Well, sir, you have to admit you did tell us that dinner was no big deal.

Well, of course I said that. I was being modest.

A humanitarian doesn't brag.

He just assumes that his friends would want to join him.

Well, you're not going to be completely alone. You're taking a date, right?

Not that there's any shame in going solo. Oh, no.

Anybody can pull it off.

You can, sir.

Hey, I could get a date if I wanted one. There are any number of women that I

could call, so don't you lose any sleep over this guy.

Hey,

Shirley, you got Jazz World there?

There you go.

Last copy. Thanks.

By the way, Shirley, would you like to go with me to a banquet tomorrow night?

Can't. I'm getting married tomorrow.

What time?

It should pretty much cut into my whole day.

Right.

Excuse me, do you carry Jazz World?

Sorry, I got the last copy.

But there's no reason we couldn't share.

Oh, no, thank you. I'll find another newsstand. No, no, here, you take this

and then you can get it back to me later.

How will I find you? Gosh, good question. What do you say over dinner

night?

Are you asking me, Al?

By golly, I did, didn't I?

You think that's weird?

Oh, no, not coming from a man with a cow on his tie.

Surely he can vouch for me.

Real nice guy.

He always carries a comb.

See? What do you say?

Listen, I don't think so. Okay, okay. Tell you what. How about if I prove that

I'm an up -and -up kind of guy and my intentions are totally honorable?

Will you go out with me then?

Sure. Great, great. I've got to give an important message to someone. Hold on.

It's true, Diane. I am a judge. Yeah, right. You're a judge.

No, I am. Really.

Here, watch this.

Ball. Yes, sir.

Who am I?

You're Superman.

I mean, in real life.

Oh, Clark Kent.

Uh, sir, could I get you to sign these warrants? Oh, these legal documents?

Sure, Matt. Be my pleasure.

Judge. Harry Stone.

There you go.

Don't steal that pen.

Right.

Well, I'll be darned. You really are a judge.

That's me. So you go with me to the banquet?

Wait, before you answer, let me show you what is in store for you.

If only you will say the magic word, yes.

You get to wear this.

A Big Mac?

It's a corsage. I picked it out myself.

Oh, it's beautiful.

You don't have to wear it if you don't want to. Oh, no, I want to.

No one ever gave me a corsage before.

Pretty girl like you never got one? Not even for your prom?

No one asked me.

I was a late bloomer.

Well, may I say you have sprouted very nicely.

Thank you.

I hate to bring you down to earth, but I go with that.

Harry, I would love to go to the banquet with you. Eureka!

I just have one question. What's that?

Why do you have a corsage in your office?

Well, you know, Diane, I'm the kind of guy that believes in fate.

Kismet, call it what you will.

Somehow I just knew that tonight I was going to meet a woman just like you.

That, and it came free with a tuxedo rental.

I have to congratulate you. Finding a date on such short notice? Yeah, and

cute, isn't she?

Well, if that's a priority for you.

I don't know if it was the tilt of my hat or the glint in my eye or just my

crazy cock -eyed smile.

You had to beg, huh?

Not much.

Uh, Mac?

Yeah? You remember that really powerful glue you gave me to fix Roz's mug?

get in on your hands, that's enough to hold a battleship together.

Oh, my dear Lord.

What's up with you?

When I finished gluing Roz's mug, I decided to sit down and watch it dry.

What? You had glue drying? You didn't call the rest of us?

Bull, what's the matter? You have another one of your Eskimo pie

No, sir. I glued my fingers to my head.

That was going to be my second guess.

First case, sir.

A little disturbance by some actors at the Riverside Theater.

Some stud you are. It took longer to smoke the cigarette afterward.

Like you're so perfect. At least I don't have to putty over stretch marks.

I bet this is not that cast from Carousel, is it?

No, sir, these people were arrested at the presentation of the Adult Film

Awards. Adult Film Awards?

Yeah, you know, the coveted, uh, Mooney?

Just a minute, just a minute. Uh, excuse me, ma 'am.

You're not part of this merry band of flesh peddlers, are you? Oh, I most

certainly am.

Uh, sir, this is Miss Kitten Latouche.

She's the recipient of the Lifetime Achievement Award.

Still got the apples. No point in closing the stand.

Eh, Judge?

Your Honor, Miss Ginger Lee here was a sore loser in the category Best

Performance by an Actress in a Non -Speaking Role.

As they fit at peak, she began hurling videotapes at the winning actress of

Amber Waves.

And I would have beamed her, too, if quick draw here hadn't gotten in the

Look, if you weren't bigger than me, I'd come over.

Hey, hey, hey. If I were you, I would settle down, Mr., uh... Biff Buff.

Biff Buff?

Um, here are the tapes that were thrown, sir.

A sort of amber waves retrospective.

Thigh anxiety.

It's got a plot.

Wet side story.

Terrible choreography.

The empire gets lucky.

One of the year's ten best.

Thank you, Rex Rude.

Getting back to this pesky little assault thing, how do you plead, Miss

Guilty. But with an explanation.

Which is?

Every performance by that Amber Wave chick is technically enhanced.

Technically enhanced?

I knew there were special effects.

What was it?

Claymation?

Your Honor, what my client is trying to say is that another actress provided the

sounds of...

When the actors actually, you know, do the

thing.

The thing?

No.

The dirty deed.

Would you like a moment to change your dress shields?

Ask me, Judge. That Amber babe's the one who ought to be on trial here. She

stole my award.

Well, I'm afraid that's not really for this court to decide.

Well, why not?

All you gotta do is ask her. She's got her rear end parked right over there.

Hi, Harry.

Diane?

My, my.

Guess who's coming to dinner?

I need a date. The one girl I picked turns out to be a porno star.

I don't know.

But I would say you're incredibly lucky.

You. You of all people. You should have recognized her.

Sorry, Harry.

The clothes threw me.

You know, she's actually very good in this. She plays a gym teacher.

That's the girl I was going to take to the banquet.

If the judicial review board got a hold of this, they would throw me off the

bench. Don't worry, sir. You'll find a way out of this.

Oh, my God.

Whatever happened to earning a boy's respect?

I respect her.

Sir, do you think I could go home and try soaking my head in lacquer thinner?

Isn't that a little dangerous?

Nah.

I use it once a week just to knock down the shine.

Oh, and I told that lady you wanted to see her.

Oh, thank you, Bull. Yeah, yeah.

Show her in.

What are you going to say to her?

I don't know.

Oh, hey, no pressure.

There's plenty of jobs for judges.

Somebody has to work the cattle shows.

I'll think of something.

Hello?

Time's up.

Dan, I need some time alone.

Uh, yeah, I was just thinking the same thing.

Come on in, Diane.

So, uh, you're, you're, uh, you're in the cinema.

I thought maybe you knew.

No, no, no. I didn't knew.

Does it matter?

Matter.

Well,

actually, I'm not in the business anymore. I gave it up.

Oh, you did?

When? Two weeks ago.

Great.

Must be like a distant memory to you now.

I've been taking some classes at City College in advertising and... Oh, I

know. Maybe I'm just wasting my time.

No, I think you'd be very good at that.

You do?

Well, sure. You're attractive. You're bright.

You obviously work well with other people.

Diane, how about... You know, my biggest fear has always been that I would never

be able to live down this image.

And I think it is so great that you are able to see through that.

You know, Diane, I've been thinking, and I don't think this banquet will be very

much fun for you at all. It's a real dull bunch of guys.

The highlight for me is checking the hairlines for glue marks.

Maybe dull for you. You probably do this kind of thing all the time, but I've

never been to anything like this.

Oh, look at the time. I've got to run. I need new earrings, and I'm getting my

shoes dyed. Oh, Diane.

Listen, I've got a lot to do, so I'll just meet you there, okay? No, no. I

yeah, but... See you later.

Not tonight, honey.

I feel so conspicuous, sir.

I'm the only one without a tuxedo.

I wouldn't worry about it, Bull.

I don't think anyone's going to notice.

Oh, there you are, sir.

Miss Sullivan, I thought that your law group met tonight.

Yeah, it was, but I began to feel kind of guilty sitting there knowing you were

here alone.

Oh, sir, do you think I could have another cracker?

Yeah, yeah.

So, how did Diane take it when you told her the date was off?

Maybe a round one this time.

Well, how'd you take it, sir?

Well... No, the one with the red thing on it.

Sir? Kind of smush it down so it doesn't fall off.

You didn't tell her.

No.

You blitzed my ritz.

I can't believe you.

Cracked my snack.

Well... Put a dento in my pimento.

That's enough.

I can't believe you wimped out.

Yeah, I tried to reach her all day, but she wasn't here.

Well, you can kiss your bench goodbye.

Let's not panic, huh? I mean, she's late. Maybe she changed her mind and

not to come at all.

Hello, Harry.

Scratch that.

I'm sorry I'm a little late. I had a problem with my dress.

Keeping it on?

Excuse me?

No, no, excuse us, please.

Harry, you can't be alone with her. Hey, we're overreacting, right? I mean,

who's going to recognize her dressed like that?

Would you autograph my hand, Miss Wade?

Okay, I'll talk with... Harry, you didn't tell me that you were the guest

of honor.

Are you nervous?

Oh, no. No, my bow tie is always this wet.

Excuse me.

Could everyone please take your seats so we can get started? Thank you.

Shall we sit down? No, no, Diane. Let's check out the nifty painting behind the

palm tree.

Jerry, he might miss something.

Diane, we've got to talk.

Now?

Have you ever heard of a judicial review board?

No. They exercise great power over men in my position.

So? So I could lose my job if I even gave the impression that I was doing

something improper.

Like? Like dating a porno star?

Good example.

Sir, they're going to introduce you any second. I know, I know. I'm dry. I need

water. Oh.

Cocktail weenie.

Would you all just leave me alone?

Well, I guess that includes me, too.

I'm afraid it has to.

Fine. No, Diane, you've got to understand. My entire career is at stake

Look, if you don't want me to be here, okay.

But why didn't you tell me yesterday? Why did you have to wait to get me down

here to humiliate me?

No, that isn't what I meant. Come on, believe me. Why?

Just because they buy your good guy act doesn't mean that I have to.

Diane! And now it's time to introduce the man we've come here to honor

I give you our man of the month, the Honorable Justice Harold T. Stone!

Thank you, you all.

Ladies and gentlemen, first of all, let me tell you how much this award means

to me.

There is no greater compliment than to be judged a man of humanity.

Someone... Someone who senses the needs of

others...

and treat their concerns as if they were his own.

And because this award means so very much to me,

I'm sorry, I can't accept it.

What?

He said he can't accept it.

Sometimes, those of us on the bench, we get so concerned with

trying to be what we think a judge should be that we forget to do what a

should do, which is to put himself in the shoes of everyone that

comes before him.

I want to tell you a story about a young lady who came with me here tonight.

Oh, here it is.

Justice Harold T. Stone turned down the Society of Goodfellas Man of the Month

Award, citing his own inadequacies and insensitivity as reasons.

Boy, that's a keeper for the old scrapbook, huh?

After the judge's highly personal account, one observer noted there was

dry eye in the house.

I blame that on the cheap cigars.

Hi, Harry. Hi, Harry. Hi, Harry.

Christine told us what you did.

I'm real proud of you.

Thank you, Ron.

Sir, may I say that I, too, was moved by the selfless nobility of your actions.

You are, as always, inspiration to us all.

Do you really mean that, Dan?

Most of it, yes, sir.

What is that I smell?

Well, it's probably a combination of roses and veal.

Do you know how many busboy trays I had to go through to find this thing?

Hi, Diane.

Hi, Harry.

Uh, Guy?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

We were just on our way to the cafeteria watching him scrape the flypaper.

Diane. No, me first.

I feel really terrible about what happened.

Me too.

It took a lot of guts to stand up for me the way you did last night.

Thanks.

It wasn't guts. It was fear.

Fear that I had forgotten what I was supposed to be doing around here.

Still, I could have been a little bit more understanding about the spot you

in. I'm sorry. Well, I'm just as sorry, if not sorrier. No, I'm sorrier than you

are. I guess we're a couple of sorry individuals.

That's a very sorry corsage.

They say we chuck this.

Don't you dare.

You know what they always say.

You never forget your first one.

What the... Ross, what the hell was that?

Oh, Bull just confessed that he was the one who broke my mug.

But he fixed it.

So, I fixed him.

Bull, your fingers aren't stuck anymore.

Yeah. Ross pulled and pulled until they came free.

That's great.

We'll start in about ten minutes, okay?

Okie dokie.