Original subtitles

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, the entertainment event of a

lifetime.

I just didn't get any sleep last night. I kept having the most amazing dream.

Was anyone I know in them?

Yes.

Orville Redenbacher.

I'm sure I'm going to hate myself for asking, but what was it about?

Well, first he gave me this magic bow tie, and then the next thing I knew, we

were flying together over the popcorn fields of Indiana.

You know, many experts feel that dreams of flying indicate a repressed sexual

desire.

So how does Orville like it? With butter or without?

I had a heck of a nightmare last week.

There was this giant boa constrictor wrapped around my neck and I couldn't

breathe.

Luckily, it turned out I just swallowed my pajama tops.

Last night I dreamed I was at a driving range hitting a bucket of cocktail

weenies.

What do you think that means?

I don't know, but my knees just slammed together.

Have you seen Dan?

Yesterday he promised he'd let me scrape out his hairbrush.

Phil, why do you let Dan do that to you? He treats you like moth droppings and

you wait on him hand and foot.

Oh, you don't know him like I do.

Just last week he let me watch him eat lunch.

He even threw me a piece of fat he couldn't finish chewing.

And they gave Bishop Tutu the Nobel Prize.

Hey, where is Dan? We should be getting started.

Oh, he's probably in his closet recharging his hydraulic pleasure

Boy, one night with Orville and his hello sailor.

Well, I can tell you one thing. I'm getting sick and tired of waiting around

Dan every night.

And I'm going to have his head for a paperweight if he doesn't have one

of an excuse.

Captain Dan Fielding reporting for duty.

Sir.

What can I say? The guy's good.

You know, Dan, you can get into a lot of trouble impersonating a military

officer. So happens I am an officer in the United States Army Reserves.

Get out of here!

It's true. As a matter of fact, I've been in the reserves for five years. I

mean, it's no big deal. One weekend a month, two weeks every summer.

Like going to the bathroom.

Tell us about this before.

Quite frankly, I didn't think it was any of your business, sir.

Paul, I'm talking to Dan.

Well, you know, there are lots of things about my life I haven't told you.

Yes, and believe me, we're grateful.

Well, why the reserves?

Why not?

I earn a little extra money.

It looks great on my resume. Chance to do something for my country.

Besides that, when the babes see this uniform, it's Yankee Diddle Danny.

Come on, guys. We've got to get back to work. Harry, I can't. I have an

emergency meeting. That's why I'm in uniform.

Well, if you've got to go, you've got to go. We'll phone in for a replacement.

Thanks.

So why would the reserves have an emergency meeting?

I'm not at liberty to discuss it. It's a matter of national security.

Didn't tell you, huh? Not a word.

Here you go, Dan.

Your shoes are done.

Great.

What the hell did you do to these things?

You said you wanted them spit -shined.

Replacement from the DA's office was supposed to be here an hour ago. I don't

know, sir. They said Miss Chaney was sent a long time ago.

Miss Chaney?

Sounds like we got ourselves a prosecutor.

Get it, Mac?

Prosecutor.

You know, sir, I got a new system. I save them all up and laugh at the end of

the month.

Did you hear that? We're getting a woman. Isn't that great?

What's the difference?

Well, it'll be nice. to finally have a DA that doesn't snap my bra strap in the

middle of the case.

Ooh, ooh, that must be her.

Hi! Welcome aboard.

I'm Christine, and this is Roz.

And I can't tell you how happy we are to have another girl in the courtroom.

You're a virgin, aren't you?

That is none of your business.

And I'm not a virgin.

I've had plenty of... You know what?

This hickey show.

I just spent 20 minutes in the broom closet with a guy who could suck the

dimples off a golf ball.

Nice to meet you, too.

And that must be Jiminy Cricket.

I hear he's one of those cornballs who's always pulling coins out of people's

ears. Miss Chaney?

is to finally meet you.

Really? Well, I have to admit, you've always been an idol of mine.

Grab your hip boots. It's gonna be running chin deep tonight.

Well, Miss Chaney, it looks like you've got something behind your ear.

Oh, my God!

How did you do that?

That's absolutely fantastic.

Well... You're just as cute as a bug.

I mean, if it's appropriate for me to say so.

You get the feeling that she and Dan were separated at birth?

Don't worry about a thing, Ross. She won't get anywhere. Harry hates people

sucking up to him.

Oh, I don't know if I really qualify as a hunk.

That's what everyone says, sir.

Well, who am I to argue with everyone?

believe you're letting her get away with all that poop.

What poop?

That poop about you being brilliant and handsome. I mean, get real.

Sir.

Hi, guys. Hey, Dan.

How'd the meeting go?

Ah, same old thing. Bunch of pot -bellied insurance salesmen standing

saluting each other.

Lecture on hygiene.

And about 15 minutes of good natured khaki grabbing.

That was it?

That was your big emergency meeting?

Well, there was one other thing, sir. I'm going to need some time off.

Well, sure. When?

Immediately. I have a two -week assignment overseas.

Well, that sounds neat. Where are you going?

To a war zone.

I can't believe that anyone would want to send Dan Fielding to a war zone.

Except as bait.

All right. Yeah, this is good.

This is perfect. They can't find me. They can't send me.

Dan, what are you talking about?

I live right here in the corner. Put a big tapestry up. We could be roommates.

Nobody will ever find me, okay?

Dan, you've got to calm down.

Calm down?

Man, do you realize by this time tomorrow my eyeballs could be staring

back end of a buzzard?

Tomorrow? That soon, huh?

Yes.

A major from Special Forces is coming here tonight to hand me my orders.

Special forces? That's the Green Berets.

The Green Berets?

Wow! Remember their song?

Fighting soldiers from the sky.

Fearless men who jump and die.

I bet you really killed them at the Mussolini roast, didn't you?

Dan, if you haven't even gotten orders yet, what makes you think that you're

going to a war zone?

They gave me a gun, a parachute.

and a Spanish -English dictionary.

Maybe they need a security guard at a really hard -to -get -to Puerto Rican

Kmart.

Well, those termites have finally broken through the top layer.

I cannot believe this is happening. I cannot die.

I don't look good in a coffin.

Trust me, I know.

Do me a favor.

Take this down.

Dear sirs, please excuse Danny from combat. We need him here to keep the

safe for democracy.

You're not writing.

Dan, you are asking me to defraud the government of the United States.

Is he a beautiful man or what?

Harry? Yes, Wanda? I was wondering how long we have before we get started

because I wanted to visit a sick friend.

I'd say we have about ten minutes.

I'll skip the sponge bath.

Who was that?

That's your replacement.

That's terrific. I'm not even cold in my grave yet and you've replaced me.

Dan, until you get orders that specify some war zone, I think it's ridiculous

you to speculate like this.

Besides, Dan, dying's not so bad.

I've done it myself a couple of times.

I am not going to go through with this.

Dan, when you signed up for the service, did it ever occur to you that combat

just might be a possibility?

It's the reserves, Harry. The worst I expected was an unflattering haircut.

I don't want to die just having this kind of life.

It may not have occurred to you people, but I haven't led the most fulfilling of

lifestyles.

It's occurred to us.

I mean, if I should die tomorrow, what would I leave behind?

What kind of legacy would I have?

Nothing.

It'd be like I was never even here.

Of course, you realize this means you have to sleep with me now.

Really, like the movies. You know, I die and you find out you have a baby Danny

in the oven.

Yeah, just like Rosemary's baby.

Dan, I do feel for you.

But you accepted this responsibility and now you're just going to have to see it

through. Either that or you're going to have some really serious consequences to

face.

Now, if I think of something better...

Hit me.

I can't do that, Dan. Yeah, sure you can, Velcro head. Come on, just pop me

Come on!

You're an evolutionary U -turn, you know that, buddy?

Your face belongs on a box of radiation flakes.

Your mother conceived you in the...

Dan, you're just upset.

Don't worry.

In a couple of days when the bullets are whizzing past your skull, you'll have

forgotten the whole thing.

Great, fine. Don't help me, you gaseous Godzilla.

I'm going to find a way out of this if I have to wet every bed from here to Fort

Dix.

They cannot make me fight.

Makes you proud to be an American, doesn't he?

Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, it's a real good thing that your parents brought you in

talk to me. Because if you're in a restaurant, even if they don't want to

you ice cream, you still cannot take hostages.

So I'm going to hold on to your destructo ray gun laser until you learn

it responsibly.

Bo?

I'm going to have to enjoy you as long as I can before the Supreme Court snaps

you up.

Got a problem, Miss Sullivan?

Sir, I'm so sorry. Something just went down the wrong pipe.

I got it away.

Holy cow, Dan, what did you do to yourself?

I think I wasted 40 bucks on things about two sizes too small.

What does that get up?

You like it?

It's what all the in -invalids are wearing this year.

You'll never get away with this, Dan.

You don't think so, huh?

Well, I got x -rays that say different.

According to these, you've got a bell around your neck and four stomachs.

What?

Well, if it's any consolation, your udder is looking good.

Oh, bull, bull! Would you please, come on, give me a visible wound somewhere?

It's tempting, but no.

You remember... Remember when you found your Gumby doll stuck in your tuna

sandwich?

And you kept wondering who did it?

Well, it was me, Yogurt Brains.

Sorry.

Fine, go ahead.

Abandon me.

Dan, give it up. Never. I have not yet begun to weasel. Excuse me.

Captain Dan Fielding? No, but I'll tell him you're looking for him. Yeah, that's

Captain Fielding.

Yes, I'm sorry. I sometimes forget who I am.

Must be the malaria I contracted recently.

Malaria?

I got malaria on Guam back in 45.

Great disease.

Nothing like puking your way through a set of one -handed push -ups.

I brought your order, sir.

What is all that crap you're wearing?

Ah, this? Nothing. It's nothing. I was driving to work and I was hit head -on.

And Sideswipe.

Your commanding officer's not going to like this.

Major Savage!

Oh, my sweet pup!

Captain Fielding, Major Savage.

Whoa, talk about being all you can be.

Fielding?

You're supposed to salute a superior officer.

Trust me, I am.

Sorry. Sorry, ma 'am.

What the hell's wrong with you?

A little problem with his spine.

He doesn't have one.

That's right. It was removed surgically.

But if you have four or five good guys to hold me up, I'm ready for combat.

I wish I could be sure of that.

I need a healthy man with me on Cabo San Cabo.

Cabo San Cabo?

You mean you were going to send Dan to some Caribbean island?

That's right.

Operation Sunscreen.

The two of us were going to find a site for a military listening post.

It's all there in your order.

uniform, soldier.

The indigenous population wears very little clothing, if any at all. We, of

course, wanted to blend right in.

That's too bad, Fielding.

I was really looking forward to having you serve under me.

Wait.

I feel better.

Yes, yes, I can stand.

I can walk.

I can mumble.

Must be one of those 24 -hour spinal injuries.

So are you saying you're all right, Fielding?

I'm saying, ma 'am, that I think by tomorrow, I'll be able to fill this

in a way that'll make you proud of me.

I like your attitude, soldier.

You sound pretty rugged.

Not bad.

But did you ever dig a piece of shrapnel out of your skull with a penknife?

You got me there.

But enough of this chit -chat. We've got a nation to defend.

Sir, we're off to the front.

Yoo -hoo!

Dan!

Oh, there you are, my sweet.

You're looking lovely tonight.

Um, it's me, Phil. I don't need it anymore. Get lost.

Uh, lost?

Yes, I am lost when I'm in your arms, my little passion flower.

Who is this? Nobody, absolutely nobody. Look, here's a dime. Go get yourself a

nice cup of razor blades.

Ben, please.

I'm sorry about our little spat.

If you want the parlor done in French provincial, so be it.

Shut up!

What's this all about?

It's not what you think. I paid him.

That's even more disgusting. No, no, no.

I paid him to say those things so that I could get out of combat.

Uh -oh.

Sergeant Foster, I think we've got us a shirker here.

Let me take care of him, ma 'am.

All I need is a grenade and a funnel.

No.

I've got something much better in mind for him.

I hope you like cold weather.

No, I chafe easily. Too bad.

Because you... are going to be spending the next 14 days in the Arctic Circle.

Sergeant Foster.

Yes, ma 'am. Give the captain his new orders.

And bundle up.

Jack Frost will be nipping a lot more than your nose.

But, don't listen.

I'll take these.

The Arctic Circle? What the hell is there to do in the Arctic Circle?

You're going to help give physicals to polar bears.

Reach for the stars.

Here you go, Dan.

I know you'll do the noble thing. Oh.

The Arctic Circle.

Oh, come on, Dan. It could be a lot worse.

Oh, right. Worse. How the hell could it be any worse?

Dan, I've decided I just can't turn my back on you and your hour of need.

Thanks, Bill, but it's not necessary. No, you don't. Bill. No, Bill.

Wait!

No words are necessary.

That look on your face is thanks enough.

Here's that file you asked about, Your Honor. Thank you, Wanda.

Say, do you lift weights?

No, why?

Well, you always have those robes on, so I never noticed before what a great

build you have.

Well, gee, thanks.

Don't mention it.

I can't stand it anymore.

What are you talking about? I am talking about all the sucking up that's going

on around here.

Sucking up?

Yes. The compliments. The coin behind the ear.

Your Honor, she's taking advantage of you.

You really think so?

I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe it.

Well, let's find out.

Wanda, are you really saying these things to me just to suck up?

Okay. Satisfied?

How could I have been such a fool?

Phil, are you okay?

Dan, Dan, Dan.

It seems like only yesterday you were here.

Phil, it was yesterday.

Well, I can't wait for him to get back either.

Oh, my God. Did I say that?

Is there a Harry Stone here? That would be me. I got a telegram for you. Oh,

well, is it a singing telegram?

Afraid not.

You know, I got a neat idea.

Why don't you just sing it to me anyway?

I'd rather not. Come on.

I've always wanted a singing telegram.

It's strictly against policy.

It would mean a lot to me.

Sorry. There'd be a big tip in it for you. Okay.

The U .S. Army sadly stayed sometime yesterday.

Captain Fielding's plane went down north of Putson Bay.

Although a body has not been found, he's presumed dead at the scene.