Original subtitles

Where is he?

I can't take it anymore.

How long does it take to read a will?

Kwan Lee, just try to relax, huh?

Sit down. Mac will be back any minute.

I can't relax.

How can anyone relax at a time like this?

Well, one sure way involves a pound of Velveeta and a copy of True Detective

magazine.

Hi, Kwan Lee.

I thought you were at the reading of Grandpa Robinson's will.

I chickened out.

Why? The guy was a millionaire.

Don't you want to know what you're getting?

I know what we're getting.

Did we? What?

Wow, how much?

You see, Roz, Grandpa Robinson never really got over the money he lost in Mac

and Quanley's restaurant.

That is so unfair.

A millionaire being upset about a few dollars.

Yeah, a measly 110 ,000 bucks.

110 ,000?

How could you ever go through that much money?

Well, we tried a lot of different promotions, but none of them ever worked

You know what my favorite was?

Make your own change night.

Grandpa said that before he'd give us another cent, he'd rather fall out of an

airplane into the mating fit of an alligator farm.

Little did he know.

Just the same quantity. I'm sure that Mac will get a little tiny something as

memento.

I quit

Boy, this place sure has changed since Mac left.

Yeah, it's the first time in my life I ever had paper cuts on my ankles.

I found tonight's docket, Judge.

That's swell, Eddie, and only four and a half hours after we started.

Here, sign this. What is it?

It's a stay of execution.

Well,

you remember that little old lady we had in here for loitering? Yeah.

I kind of put her on the wrong bus.

You sent Mrs.

Turley to death row?

Well, the funny part about it is that her lawyer thinks that you're the one

did it.

Hey, what does this phone message say? I can't read your writing.

Oh, some guy called. He wanted to know if you were naked.

He said he wanted to call you later, but don't worry about it. I gave him your

home phone.

Sir, the holding cells are all full, and we've got about 30 defendants waiting

out in the hallway.

You just left them there unsupervised?

Yes, sir. They're on the horror system.

You mean the honor system.

idea how important he was to this place.

I miss Mac.

I miss Mac.

I miss Mac.

Hey, oh, blah -dee, oh, blah -da, babe. Life goes on.

How can you be so cavalier? Don't you miss him?

No, I don't miss him.

There's no skin off my nose. Listen, I don't care if I have to work with a guy

who cleans his ears with my fountain pen.

Give me that, you frog.

to keep your stubby little fingers off my stuff.

Jeez, is it okay if I breathe?

Judge, I want to take an early lunch.

Eddie, don't you think it'd be a real nifty idea if we got through at least

case first?

Why don't you just drop a yoke on my back and start plowing?

I got one here for Jones.

Roz, we got a Jones over there?

We have two Joneses, sir.

Orville and Flamona.

Hey, Eddie, which one is it? Well, geez, I don't know. I kind of got the files a

little mixed up here. I mean, what are the odds of two people being named

You two get down here. I'll try to sort through this thing.

Mr. Prosecutor. Yes, sir.

Mr. Jones here owns a tenement building. He's been cited for numerous violations

and at a meeting of the...

Housing department, he stripped down to a lace camisole and pranced around the

room like a show pony.

Slut.

I think I am the show pony in question.

Yeah, I'm no pervert.

I'm a slumlord.

Mr. Honor, this is hopeless.

We will get through it, Miss Sullivan.

I don't care if we stay here all night. Nothing is going to stop... us from

finishing this case fire geez

this wouldn't happen if you had some ashtrays around here

okay that's it court's adjourned well eddie you've

done it you've done what entire armies and foreign potentates couldn't do you

have brought the american judicial system down to its knees.

It's a towering achievement, Eddie, and you did it with nothing but your own

incredible incompetence.

You are the Mount Everest of stupidity!

Is that some kind of a crack?

Eddie! Well, you know, because I'm with the union, you know, and I don't have to

take cracks.

How about

Fielding. Your wife's flying. I don't even own a saddle.

Mac.

Oh, my God.

You look so rich.

Mac, Kwame, you guys look great.

How was your trip? Yeah, what exotic place did you finally end up going to?

The Poconos.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

No, Harry, I'm sorry. But see, I got to concentrate on my new career.

What's that?

Mack Robinson Enterprises.

I'm vice president in charge of parking my butt in a Barco lounger.

Oh.

Oh, hey, cheer up. Hey, look, let's go to the cafeteria.

Lunch is on me.

Oh, Mack.

You inherit two million dollars and you treat us to lunch in the cafeteria.

My thimble runneth over.

Look at this place.

You like it? I had Mason Maurice to come in and cater.

You're looking loose.

Get out of this instant.

We have important snooty people coming.

Be cool, Maurice. These are my friends.

Monsieur Robinson.

Oh, my humiliation is exploding in my face.

If you wish, I will cut my vein with a snail fork.

Oh, that's okay.

I'll just knock a few hundred off your tip.

Oh, merci, monsieur, merci.

You have made me as happy as a rotting pig.

How many of us can truly say that?

Hello, mesdames et messieurs, s 'il vous plaît.

Merci beaucoup, Gaston. Très bon. Ah, parlez -vous français?

Bonjour, d 'abord.

Flip the flap, the Boeing Foygan.

All right, everybody, let's get started.

Maurice, read him the spread.

Today, you will be intimidated by... Does

this mean we can't order the tuna log?

What's this?

Those are your presents.

Oh, come on, guys. You've gone way too far.

Come on, open them. You first, Bull.

Oh, wow.

Where'd you find one in my size?

What is it?

It's a yo -yo.

Bull, that's got $25 ,000 worth of diamonds in it.

With an extra string.

What's this?

I get to see Mike Tyson at Madison Square Garden?

No. you get to fight Mike Tyson at Madison Square Garden.

We got him to give you a three -round exhibition match.

Oh, this is the loveliest, sweetest, most thoughtful... I'll rip his freaking

head off.

Oh, Mac, I love caviar.

That's not just caviar, Christine.

That's Romanovski Royale. There's only two fish in the whole world that make

that.

Edna and Bernice.

Okay, Dan, it's your turn.

My God.

It's a Rolex.

Read the inscription.

Dear Dan, whether you believe it or not, I think of you as a friend.

Okay, Harry, you're the last one.

And I hope you like it, because I can't return it.

Dear Harry, stand up and count to four.

I don't get it.

Just do it.

One, two, three, four.

devil. Yes, and you've got them for the whole night. You call the tune and they

will play it.

Mac, I don't know what to say.

Admiration feeds my body and emerges from my sphincter with joyous

Yeah, me too.

Come on, Maurice.

Let's break open a bottle of that 29 Rothschild.

29 Rothschild? It's worth about 950 bucks a bottle.

I'll need a doggy glass.

Yeah. Don't you think you're being kind of extravagant here? You know, for once,

I want to be extravagant, Harry.

Hey, look, don't worry. I got it all figured out. After spending all this,

still have $1 ,900 ,000 in the bank. Not enough. Huh?

Consider yourself served. What's this?

A summons.

You're being sued for $4 .5 million.

Okay, Mr. Clemmer, would you please tell me what this is all about? I represent

the owner of the office building where you two operated your cafe.

been some kind of misunderstanding.

That's hardly how I would characterize destroying the contents of a 30 -story

building.

You got you too, huh?

Matt, Quan Lee, look, don't talk to this man. You're not lawyers. I am. Let me

take care of this.

Mr. Klimmer, may I see a copy of the alleged complaint, please? Sure.

Can't sue for four and a half million because the stove explodes and starts a

fire, activating the sprinkler system, creating a flood, blasting three

Well, I'll leave you to your future of destitute squalor.

I hate to say this, Mac, but it looks pretty bad.

How bad?

aren't you?

No.

I'm not mad.

Mac, if you're mad, you should be open about it. Quan Li, I'm not really mad.

Of course you are.

I'm the one that wanted to open the restaurant.

It was my idea to save some money on a used stove.

I'm the one that canceled our liability insurance.

If you're mad, say so.

Go with your feelings.

drawn and quartered.

I want you dropped into an active volcano.

I want you shot out of a cannon onto a cactus.

I want you flung into a pit with every carnivorous member of the reptile

I gotta take a walk.

feel better?

Court's gonna have to wait a few minutes, Judge. I gotta hit the head.

on, Eddie.

You don't come waltzing in here and tell me that I have to wait. You see, I'm

the judge, and I tell you when court is in session.

Don't argue with me. Argue with the pork lasagna I ate.

Vaya carnitas.

Oh, how I wish we could get Mac his job back.

Well, me too, but the problem is that once you've handed in your resignation,

then you go right to the bottom of the waiting list. Poor guy.

I feel awful about him having to take that other job.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Mac. Hi, Mac.

So, uh, how are things down at Wally's Weenie Wonderland?

Oh, oh, great.

Uh, Mac?

Yeah? About those presents that you gave us?

I know that you wouldn't want us to return them. Oh, yeah, I want you to

them.

I need the money.

Mac, they wouldn't take the caviar back because it's a food item.

And they also said it would hurt Edna's feelings.

And I can't even give away my fight with Tyson.

I mean, here's a chance to let a heavyweight champion boxer pummel you

full minutes.

Who wouldn't pay for that?

But that bull did real well with the yo -yo.

I'm back.

How much did you get?

Well, I was on my way to return it, and it was so pretty, it just seemed like it

was begging me, Bull, play with me

just once.

So I tried it, and...

I told you about listening to inanimate objects.

Well, I guess that just leaves Dan's watch.

Hi, guys.

Dan, you know the watch that Matt gave you?

Watch?

Yeah, the $5 ,000 Rolex that he gave you about two days ago, and you already

hocked it, didn't you?

It was mine.

Besides, I only got three grand for it. Three?

Yeah, you know what, too? I had to pay to get that engraving buffed off the

of it.

Oh, no.

Dan?

Nobody gets my money.

Dan?

Stop it. Stop that. Do not look at me with those hound dog eyes. Stop it.

Why don't you just rip out a kidney while you're at it?

Oh, thanks, Dad.

Now all I gotta do to pay off the debt is to liquidate everything I own, work

three jobs, sell two pints of blood before I start my paper route.

Oh, Lord, I'm so poor.

Oh, Matt, come on, big guy.

My great -grandchildren are gonna be wearing this sweater.

Well, you know, the classics never really go out of style.

Sorry.

Oh, I feel so bad.

I feel like that yellow stuff that floats on top of the chili.

Matt, come on. You shouldn't see... What the heck is that stuff anyway?

Come on, Matt. Money's not so important.

It's not just the money.

And it's not that I feel like such a failure.

It's those terrible things I said to Kwan Lee.

Yep. They were pretty bad.

Kwan Lee!

Hi, Mac. I have to tell you something.

No, you listen to me first.

I don't give a damn about being poor as long as I have you with me.

Mac. And I want you to know that I love you more than anything in the whole

world.

I love you too, Mac.

And you were right.

The whole thing was my fault. It doesn't matter.

That's why I decided to do something.

Uh -oh.

I talked to the owner of the building.

Uh -oh.

I suggest Ecuador.

Quan Li, I don't mean to be harsh, but are you nuts?

He's going to settle for $1 ,950 ,000.

There. Now, you see, you may not be able to back out of that.

You should... Did you say $1 ,950 ,000? Yep. I told him if he settled for the

actual damages, I'd write him a check tomorrow.

Otherwise, we'd tie it up in court till he was too old to spend it on anything

but denture cream and Preparation 8.

That's my girl.

Hey, man.

$1 ,950 ,000. Isn't that about exactly what you've got?

Wait a minute.

A million nine, plus the stuff I return, plus the 3 ,000 from Dan,

150 for selling the pinto.

Oh, my God, baby.

We are worth nothing.

Yeah. Excuse me. Yeah.

You're rejoicing about being worth nothing?

Yeah, we were a thousand bucks in the hole before this all started.

Hey, Judge, we got to talk.

About what, Eddie?

I'm quitting.

You're what?

Look, I can't take this badgering. Do this.

File that.

Wake up.

You people are just relentless.

You can have this job back if you want it.

I wish I could, but I already handed in my resignation.

To Eddie.

That's right.

Eddie, if you were in charge of it, then you must have lost it, right?

Hell no.

I know exactly where it is.

It's right in the top drawer.

I don't see it.

It's stuck to my hikey.

Here it is.

Well, rip it up.

I don't know if I want to touch it.

You want to spend the rest of your life in that hat?

I was just saying goodbye and nothing.

Oh, Eddie.

We're sorry.

Tell you what. As a token of our appreciation, we'd like you to have

What is it? A fight ticket.

Yep. You just show them that at the gate and they'll take care of you.

Mike Tyson.

Is this ringside?

Better.

but to one friend.