Original subtitles

Is that seat taken?

Oh, you can have mine, Ross.

I think I just figured out what the surprise is in the chef's surprise.

I know what he means. This thing tastes like nuclear waste.

Ah, you had the patty meltdown.

It was me, Judge.

I did it. I confess.

I'm a mad dog criminal, and I deserve to be punished.

Hello, everyone. It's a pleasure to see you again.

Yakov, what's going on?

I'm a stinking crook, and I don't care who knows.

What is it about, Yakov? I broke the law. See?

Do not remove under penalty of law.

Torrent from every mattress and every pillow in my apartment.

Throw the book at me.

Yucca, it's only illegal for the manufacturers to remove these. It's okay

you to do it. Why are you giving me red tape?

What is a person supposed to do to get some justice around here?

Well, you might start by explaining why you're acting like such a... Yak -ass?

Come on, Gellinger, tell me all about it.

Harry, I must be deported back to Soviet Union immediately.

What'd you do, leave the water running?

Terry, it's a serious matter.

My mother is very, very ill.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry to hear that, Yakov, but you're going about this the wrong

way. What you got to do is get yourself a visa.

I got one.

MasterCard 2.

Now, Yakov, you got to get permission from the Soviet government to visit the

country. I'd go to the Soviet consulate and tell them your story. I bet they

could rush the process right through.

Thanks, Harry.

Don't mention it.

It's a small price to pay to keep New York City safe from Yak the Ripper.

Bye, Harry.

Bull, we're going to start in about two minutes.

Right.

Just a quick shine, please.

I'm running a little late.

Excuse me, sir, but I need you to scrawl your autograph on these.

You got it.

Sir, you're left -handed.

Oh, my God, you're right!

Mac, when did this happen?

I don't know, sir. These things can strike without warning.

Come on. Sometimes you don't notice these things about people, even if

been around them a long time.

Yeah, you know, you're right. I mean, it was months before I noticed that little

dent thing under your right eyebrow.

What little dent thing is that, sir?

Oh, you know, it looks like a teeny -weeny little notch.

Oh, come on, don't tell me you haven't noticed it?

No.

Where did you say it was?

You know what I'm talking about, don't you? Oh, sure, sure, I noticed it right

away, but I didn't think it was any of my business.

But since we're talking, what the heck is that thing?

Tell me the truth.

Is there a little tiny mark there?

Thanks.

I wasn't sure.

Leon McDuff. Yes, sir.

Uh -oh, look like we got some repeat business.

People versus Corey Linko.

Yakov, what did you do?

I did what you say, Judge Harry. I went to Soviet Council, and I say I need visa

badly, and why?

But she say, no way.

And you are?

I am Marina Oblaskova.

Marina, that's an interesting name.

Yes, sir. I believe it's Russian for leatherneck.

Just the facts, Dan.

Well, the Cossack prom queen here is a clerk in the visa section.

And when she rejected the defendant's application, he began throwing papers

around the room, overturning filing cabinets.

Defense.

Oh, I'm sure you're well aware of the defendant's state of mind and the

for it, Your Honor.

Miss Sullivan, this is very disconcerting.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I wouldn't want to repulse anyone with my disfigurement.

Next time I will amass.

Miss Sullivan. Oh, excuse me, sir, but I just got word that a big shot from the

Soviet consulate is on the way down here.

Apparently, this lady doesn't have the authority to file a formal complaint.

but I'm not going to tell her that.

Okay, then the case is held over.

Yakov, join me in my office, and maybe you can explain what the hell thinky you

thought you were doing.

Recess! Great!

That'll give me just enough time to get my face sandblasted.

It's not easy being in my shoes.

Yeah, those puppies are steel -belted, aren't they?

You see, it's my job to be hard.

But it's my nature to be soft.

Let's not ruin what we have together by talking.

I only say that if your friend has to be nice.

Or if person does me little favor.

Or something.

What are you getting at?

Let me just say that I have the power to slip the visa through.

But in order for me to do that, someone has to do something nice for

me.

You mean you and me?

You understand then.

You scratch my back, I shave yours.

Damn it, Yakov, you don't just go leaping wildly into things like this.

to go through the proper channels. But here in Russia, proper channels don't

work. Do you know what we have to go through just to get toilet paper?

Yakov. Why do you think Pravda sells so well?

it might hear you.

Daniel, my bublica, yoo -hoo.

Dan, what is going on?

Don't you get it?

She wants me.

Oh, you don't mean... She's hot to Trotsky.

You know what she said?

She said if I would do the mattress dance with her,

would get his visa.

Mr. Fielding, you would do this for me?

I would sooner do it with you.

Well, if you think it will help. No.

Sir, there's a comrade Fedorova here to see you. Fine, Bull. Send the comrade

in. Okay.

All I need now is some crusty old commie lecturing me on the evils of

imperialist aggression.

Well, if I were you, Harry, I'd be on the attack right from the get -go.

You know, you're right.

Yakov deserves humane treatment, and by golly, he's going to get it. And if I

have to kick a little Soviet butt around the Eastern Bloc, then so be it.

Comrade Fedorova.

You are Judge Stone?

Bite your tongue, woman.

Better yet, why don't you let me do it for you?

Dan, get out of here.

Right, great idea, Harry. You lather her up, I'll come and finish her off.

Yakov?

Vanishing myself.

Well, I must say, you're a bit of a surprise.

You were expecting a big Russian bear, perhaps?

No, we already met her.

You're not exactly what I expected either, Judge Stone.

Please, I'm Harry.

And unlike a lot of Russian women, I imagine you're not.

Can I offer you anything? A little red wine, perhaps?

No, thank you. But that is very amusing.

Red wine.

You like it?

I got a million of them.

Most unusual.

An attractive man with a sense of humor.

Let's see. We got some 12 -year -old Kool -Aid or...

You find me attractive?

Perhaps I should not say so, but from the moment I walked in, I felt a

connection with you.

You know, that's funny. I felt something, too. I just...

I assumed I was having a stroke.

I love your strokes.

Mac, hold my calls.

And your eyes.

Forever.

So, uh, about Mr. Korolenko.

Who?

Yakov. Yeah, we ought to talk about that.

Okay.

Well, now, I know Yakov went overboard, but I got to wonder, and this is not

intended as a criticism, why you folks didn't just give him a visa in the first

place? Because he defected from the Soviet Union.

The government considers him no longer a person who is... What is the word?

Desirable?

Desirable.

A very good word.

I'm going to ask you a question, and I want a straight answer.

What is that fantastic perfume you're wearing?

It is called Bolshevik Uprising.

It's supposed to bring the powerful to their knees.

In my heart, I'm on the floor.

This is a start.

About Mr.

Korolenko.

Right, right. How are we going to get the guy a visa?

He cannot have one.

Ever.

I cannot ignore the law and not a possible subversive back into my

Oh, come on. We both know he's not a subversive. He's just some poor schlep

wants to go home and visit his mom.

What is the meaning of schlep?

Well, let's see.

You remember Jimmy Carter?

Harry, I cannot pick and choose the law any more than you can.

So you're saying that you have to enforce a law that you don't agree with?

Why would I not agree with it? All my life, the Soviet system has supported

Now it is my honor to support it. But how can you support a system that is not

responsible to the needs of its people?

Oh, and your system is?

Well, you bet.

Most of the time it is. I mean, it's a hell of a lot better than...

Ludmilla, let's just say that this is one point on which we do not agree.

Fair enough.

Two people cannot always expect to see eye to eye.

Right.

How about dinner tonight?

I'd love to.

Thomas, I won't even mention Afghanistan.

Nor I, the CIA -backed stooges in Central America.

Berlin Wall.

Star Wars.

You know, you stole that gold medal in basketball in 72.

Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Believe me, everything's going to be okay.

I'm just worried about my mom.

I went through the same agony when my mom came down with Dutch elm disease in

her wooden leg.

But she's okay now?

Oh, yeah, mom's fine.

And with what was left of the leg, we taught our Doug Lucky to fetch.

St. Daniel's. Fielding? No.

You might try the law library. He likes to thumb through the pornography cases

on his brakes.

So, the iron is hot.

Yakov, give me your visa application.

What for?

I've got a crazy idea that just might work.

Which would be a first.

That was close.

Accessories make the outfit.

Ross, let me use your pen.

I'm going to get some coffee. Anybody want some? No, thanks, Ross. I just have

time to spackle up this crater in my head before court.

I don't know why you're letting an offhand remark bother you so much.

In the first place, it doesn't even show. And even if it did, you should be

to have a few flaws.

Oh, yeah, right.

Think about it. It's those little scars and creases and imperfections that make

us different, distinctive, unique.

Okay, following the San Andreas Falls.

I need to talk to Harry. I'm sorry, Yakov, but the judge is still sweet

Miss Fedorova. Hey, hey, well, at least our cops don't kidnap our citizens from

their homes in the dead of night.

Yeah, he's a smoothie.

That is a lie created by your capitalist propaganda machine.

Good Lord, they've been at that for over an hour.

Maybe this means Harry's wearing her down.

Or knocking her down.

Oh, no!

So this is glass nose.

Well, hi, guys.

I hope we're not interrupting anything important, sir.

Uh, no, we were just discussing collectivism versus the free enterprise

Of course you were. Oh, yeah.

Well, you've obviously found some mutual agreement.

The result of ticklish negotiations, no doubt.

Judge, I'm overwhelmed that you would do such a thing for me.

Well, yes, Yakov, I would, but I didn't. Oh, having a little problem with your

powers of persuasion, sir?

I'm sorry, but Lyudmila has decided that she cannot in good conscience bend the

rules for you.

Does this mean my visa is still denied?

Believe me, I did my best.

I can vouch for that.

But it would just be till I help my mother to get well again, and then I

right out of the Soviet Union, I promise.

Mr. Korolenko, as much as I sympathize with your personal plight, I'm compelled

to uphold the law. A law which is applied equally?

and without exception.

I cannot help you.

Oh, yes, you can.

Dimitri? Comrade Fedorova?

The matter of Mr.

Korolenko has been taken under advisement, and the response has been...

rephrased.

I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

Be careful. He means that.

Dimitri Gomenko, Soviet information officer.

Harry T. Stone, municipal court judge.

And commie kisser.

Dimitri, what do you mean we have rephrased our position concerning Yakov?

We have other priorities now that word of this incident has gotten out.

But I have already taken care of it according to procedure.

Ludmila, we have to go with the flow, huh?

I have just received a phone call from the top man himself.

You don't mean... That couple.

We do not wish for the Tcharpushka to hit the fan.

are officially dropping all charges against the unfortunate Mr.

Korolenko. And we are tickled pinko.

To grant him a visa to visit his sick mother.

Dimitri, you don't care about this man or his mother.

You are sacrificing an important principle for cheap, dodry publicity.

What's your point?

Svinja.

Hey, lude!

Some of our people still do not grasp the importance of presenting a positive

image to the world.

Well, you've sure done well with Mr. Gorbachev. You know, at first I advised

to get rid of the birthmark.

Some people aren't comfortable looking at that sort of thing.

But you know how that is.

Ludmilla? Leave me alone, Harry.

Can't you tell him about that?

Well, you know what Groucho said.

That's no reason to go off in a huff.

Or a minute and a huff.

Groucho? Yeah, you know, the famous Marx Brothers.

Groucho, Harpo, Carl.

Carl was the one with the funny hat, yes?

That's him.

Hey.

If it is any consolation at all, I do know exactly how you feel.

Oh, admit it. You are glad of this happening.

Well, for Yakov's sake, sure I am. But I also know what it's like when you do

your job conscientiously and then have the pins knocked out from under you by

some bozo up the line.

This happens in America, too?

Small world, huh?

You're all right, Harry Stone.

Poor lackey of the imperialist running dogs.

Well, for a commie aggressor bent on world domination, you sure can kiss.

I love my country.

And I love mine.

So what happens if we keep seeing each other and fall hopelessly in love?

Well, then I guess we shack up in some third world love nest.

Try to politically influence each other's socks off.

You've got a deal, Yankee.

Sir, good news!

It better be.

I got Yakov's application for Ibiza approved.

Well, that's great, Bo, but we already took care of that.

You're kidding. You mean I did it all for nothing?

You did what?

Uh, Yakov just called from the airport.

He sure didn't waste any time.

Thank you, Mac.

There's room for you at this table, Christine.

Ah, no, no, thank you, Rod. I wouldn't want to spoil anyone's appetite with my

grotesque disfigurement.

Miss Sullivan, would you please get over yourself? It was just an observation,

and it was certainly not intended to insult you.

Please, sir, don't apologize. I'm well aware of my imperfections. Uh,

a gentleman wanted me to hand you this.

I hope you won't think me out of line for saying so, but I am struck by your

arresting beauty, and I'd be willing to wager a dinner at the restaurant of your

choice that you're as attractive on the inside as you are to look at. All right,

which one of you guys wrote this thing?

If it in any way arouses you, I did.

I know you wrote this to make me feel better, but frankly, I find it a little

patronizing, so let's just drop the subject, okay?

Sorry, guess she wasn't interested.

Sorry to hear that Excuse me, but aren't you married

now?