Original subtitles

I cannot believe he is going to make us go through with this. It is totally

unfair.

Yep, but I don't see anything we can do about it.

Well, we could bring him up on charges of harassment, but in the end it would

just be his word against ours.

Let's just hope he forgot about it. Hey, guys, our bowling shirts arrived.

He didn't forget.

Just in time for the big tournament tonight, huh?

Ah, sir, about the bowling.

Gosh darn, I'd like to go, but...

I just got word that my mother was eaten by wolves.

Well, nothing eases the loss of a loved one like making that 7 -10 split, am I

right?

What do you think of the shirts?

Ah, turquoise and black, just in time for spring.

Got one for each of us.

The bowling stones.

Yeah, get it? The rolling stones?

Harry Stone?

Get it?

Best joke in all of bowling, sir.

Can't believe I'm going to spend Friday night crushing beer cans with a bunch of

guys named Floyd watching the top of their butts stick out of their pants.

You know what I'd do? See from how far away you can toss in a peanut.

Sir, your new bowling ball is ready. Oh, swell!

If people see that rolling down the alley, they're going to throw up their

pretzels.

Harry, please don't make us do this thing.

Oh, come on, guys. Settle down.

It is not just our personal reputations at stake. As the official night court

team, we represent the integrity of the entire American judicial system.

As it pertains to bowling.

Who are we playing?

The Sisters of Mercy Orphanage.

We'll kick their little butt.

Well, your point is well taken, and while it is true that all the world

clown, it's still illegal to make them pay for it.

$100 fine.

I hear she gives the greatest show on earth.

Court's adjourned. It's bowling time, people!

Slap a band -aid on it and suit up, Dan.

We start in 15 minutes.

Gee, can you believe that guy, Mac?

Shocking, sir.

It hurts my arm just thinking about it.

If you'd lost it entirely, maybe.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Harry Stone.

That's me.

I haven't seen you since school. You look great.

Yeah, you're looking pretty good yourself there.

You ever get your master's? Yeah, you ever start shaving?

Sometimes twice a week.

Oh, please.

Listen, I was in the city on business. I hope you don't mind me stopping in. Are

you kidding? Come on, I'll buy you dinner. Great.

Ah, ah, ah, sir, sir, what about the tournament?

Ah, you guys start without me. I'll join you later.

In the meantime, I want you all to bowl as if your jobs depended on it.

And, uh, Dan, if you are entertaining any thoughts about sneaking out,

Bull has prepared a demonstration which I think will enlighten you.

Your squish is my command.

Oh,

Harry. You know, I always knew you'd succeed.

Sieg, but a municipal court judge.

You've really done something with your life, you know? Got a responsible

position, respect, a severed human head.

Like this, it's my own idea.

Headphones.

Hey, Judge, your suit of armor's ready.

Hey, Mario, did you get all the goldfish out of it?

Well, it took a lot of work, but I fixed it as good as new.

Oops.

I guess you're, uh... Codpiece needs some minor adjustments.

Mario, could you... Could you

maybe finish that in the hall?

You know, in the old days, they used to do this while you were still wearing it.

I guess it's kind of why the age of chivalry kind of ground to a halt.

see that becoming a judge hasn't diminished your sense of playfulness.

That's what was so good about having you for a friend, Harry. It was great to

have somebody around I could be nuts with.

I could never do that with a lover. No.

Lovers come and go, but a good friend is forever.

Kiss me. You bet.

Ah.

When did you have your tonsils out?

Haven't seen each other in years. I don't know where you've been, what

been doing.

Here's my rhythm, eh? Good enough for me.

Take me, Harry.

Right here.

Whoa, I'm not sure this is right. This is a judge's chamber, you know. I mean,

technically it belongs to the people. It's just entrusted to me.

Got 20 minutes, Harry. Right.

Now you know.

I want you, Harry.

I want you.

Now.

As luck would have it, I'm free.

I want to turn you into a quivering puddle of bent flesh.

I got no problem with that.

Don't go nowhere.

Tell me, when will you be mine?

I want to do something crazy here. You want to be crazy.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Let's be crazy.

That isn't exactly what I had in mind.

I thought you wanted to be crazy.

Well, yeah, but there are other things to consider.

Like what?

Like that.

Who the hell could that be at this hour? I don't know.

I just hope it isn't my husband.

Me too.

When was it going to come up? When he busted through the door and shot me?

Hola, this is the cleaning lady. Señor Stone, I'm here.

That's very good, Judge.

I got your suit of armor all squared away.

Oh, Mario, great. Just leave it out there and go away.

I can't leave it out here.

Well, then, come back in ten minutes. I should be done with my briefs.

Sure. Always left holding the codpiece.

Harry, I'm sensing that you're not in the mood anymore.

Of course I'm not in the mood anymore. How am I supposed to be in the mood

anymore? Hey, it's not because of me, is it?

No, it's not because of you.

What the hell are you doing there?

Watching the windows.

Oh, all right. You want me to do these later, huh?

Yeah, or you could plummet to your death.

No, just me and my shadow.

Don't you want to come back in?

I think I'll just hang out here.

Somebody's knocking on the door.

Well, don't say anything and they'll go away.

Good, he's not there.

Prepare to be bold.

ever done it in a judge's office.

How did you get a key?

Well, when the judge wasn't looking, I borrowed his and made a wax impression

it. Oh, what are you being mad if he finds out? Hey, what Howdy Doody doesn't

know won't hurt me.

Oh, Dan, what a coincidence we would mate.

Two people who both like to do it in exotic places.

Not coincidence.

Kismet. Too bad we both already did it in a bowling alley. Yeah, wasn't it?

What was your favorite place?

On a rooftop at the Macy's Parade.

You?

In the Macy's Parade.

You know, it didn't surprise me when Dan sneaked out, but what happened to

Harry? This whole bowling match was his idea. He didn't even show up. Yeah, he

missed seeing me get eight strikes in a row.

Too bad none of them were in your lane.

He's probably not even here. He probably forgot about us and left.

He was here ten minutes ago.

You saw him?

No, I heard him. For some reason, he wouldn't let me in.

Really? Christine, wait.

What for?

Well, the last time we saw Harry, he was with that woman.

She was pretty nice looking and, well, you know.

Oh.

Oh, so you think that they might be...

Somebody's at the door, Danny. Don't worry about it. They'll go away.

Nobody there.

I can't leave this suit out here. Could somebody open the door for me? Sure.

Stand back.

Bull, why don't you just use your passkey?

Given enough time, that would have occurred to me.

The orchestra pit at Carnegie Hall?

The monkey cage at the Bronx Zoo.

Oh, you're kidding.

Me tossing. You lucky.

Somebody's coming in.

Get under the deck.

Oh, Danny, our clone.

That's for all the needy children, sister. I'll get a receipt later.

What's going on here?

Where's Judge Stone?

He's out on the ledge.

Come on, you expect me to believe a municipal court judge is cowering out on

ledge?

That's what he's doing, all right.

Good evening, sir.

Hi there, Mac.

Suppose you're wondering why I'm naked out here on the ledge. Oh, no, sir, no,

sir. I was wondering if I needed a flash.

I got your codpiece ready.

Whoa, just in time.

Sir, you want to put on something more comfortable?

You don't really have to enjoy this so much. Oh, yes, I do, sir.

What the hell is going on here?

That's what I'd like to know.

Who are you?

I'm a husband.

Whose husband?

The half -naked one.

On the left.

You're married?

Boy, you must be a really open -minded guy.

Who's Harry Stone?

That would be me.

That reminds me, I gotta pick up some huggies for the baby.

What are you doing with my wife? Hey, wait a minute. I can explain this whole

thing. That's right, and I'll vouch for everything he says.

No, it wasn't like that, I swear. I was just going to sleep with his wife.

No, I wasn't going to sleep with your wife.

I mean, I was going to sleep with your wife, but you weren't supposed to know

about it.

I don't know where this is going, but I got dibs on the movie rights.

See, as soon as I found out that she was married, then I went to get my clothes

on, but they had been thrown out the window when I reached out to get my

which was hanging from the scaffold, then my underwear got caught on a nail,

then they blew away.

I hate when that happens.

And then this guy came in with a key that Howdy Doody did not give him.

Boy, this has been grand, but we have a clothing optional RV show to get to.

Hey, Dan, you're going out dressed like that. You better take the freight

elevator.

Freight elevator?

You?

No, you.

I got a chastity bell on 83rd Street to pry off.

They're usually your biggest tippers.

And so if you take a moment to look at the facts, I think you'll see that this

is just one of your basic merry mix -ups.

Somebody get me a gun.

Sheldon, stop it this instant. I'm the one who started this whole thing.

That's right, Sheldon. I was really an innocent bystander.

Wait, let me understand this. You seduced...

Him? You expect? You don't pay any attention to me. Maybe if you did, I

have to go someplace else.

You don't care about me. All you care about is your stupid job selling pork

rinds. Pork rinds?

Oh, the stories you must have.

I work my butt off of her, and she doesn't appreciate it.

Isn't that always the way?

Oh, sure. Take the man side.

He's right.

Women never appreciate that stuff.

I can't believe the sexist garbage I'm hearing.

Let's behave with a bit of decorum, huh?

Well, let's give it a shot anyway.

All I know is I deserve better than this.

What I'm hearing is that there's some kind of communication breakdown.

What do you know about this?

I'm a judge, Sheldon. Every day in that court, I see couples who really care

about each other ruining their relationships.

Why are they doing that? Because they don't take the time to tell each other

what's really in their mind.

Now, let's see if we can't get a little of this out into the open, okay?

Leslie. Forget about the fact that you're mad at him. Forget that you're

Just tell Sheldon what it is you want from him.

Well, I'd like him to spend some time with me for a change.

That's good. That's good. Sheldon, what do you want from Leslie?

I want some understanding.

Some freaking compassion.

Sheldon doesn't quite have the hang of this yet.

But there is a message in there somewhere. Sheldon, you work hard,

Yeah. To make money so she'll have things.

Yeah. So she'll have security and she'll be proud of you.

Yeah. And you hate his hours. Right. Because he's important to you and you

you were important to him. Yeah. And you miss him and you wish he didn't have to

work so hard.

Yeah. Then what we have is a man who wants his wife to have everything and a

wife who wants him more than anything else he can give her.

You know, if I didn't know you two so well...

I'd say you're in love.

I thought you just loved pork rinds.

Oh, give me a break. Who could love a pork rind?

The barbecued ones aren't bad.

Sorry.

These misunderstandings always arise when we're not absolutely honest with

other. You know, it reminds me of the classic old story, The Gift of the Magi.

Isn't that the one where the farmer gets his arm torn off in a threshing

machine?

Honey, I'm sorry.

I am too.

Come on, kissy, kissy, huggy, huggy.

Why couldn't someone do this for Charles and die?

Come on, let's go home.

Goodbye, Harry, and thanks so much.

My pleasure.

Thanks, Judge.

You'll never have to pay for another pork rind as long as you live.

I'm speechless.

I was such a fool, Leslie, to think I almost drove you to another man. Oh,

be ridiculous.

I never would have actually slept with him, honey.

You hear that, guys?

She was never going to sleep with me.

She had no intention of sleeping with me.

You know, I think it's about time to register our bowling ball pattern at

Bloomingdale's.

Yeah, yeah, good idea.

Feel kind of used, huh?

Like rubber gloves after a hemorrhoid surgery.

Well, she was my friend.

That's probably why she knew deep down that... You would fix it all. Well,

but if she had a problem, why didn't she tell me instead of setting me up like

that?

Maybe she was just so distraught that she didn't realize she was hurting you

the process.

Yeah, maybe.

Or... Or?

Your animal magnetism has been driving her insane for years, and in the

of the beast... Her libido exploded in a frenzy of desire few of us will ever

experience even once in our lifetime.

You got a big raise coming.

Thank you, Ross.

Besides, you did get them back together.

Well, yeah, I did, didn't I?

Huh. I mean, I may look a little foolish right now, but I think we both know who

the real hero is in all this.

Because throughout it all, I behaved with grace and chivalry. Yes, I did.

And just like the knights of old who laughed in the face of death, I can

honestly say that I still have my dignity.

Surely you joust.