Original subtitles

Buona sera, mia dolce.

Let me guess.

This is the same slimy pickup line you use on hundreds of women just hoping

someday someone will actually be interested in your crude little

Yes.

Well, you finally hit the jackpot, big boy. Oh, I just think I was going to

up next year.

My name is Maria. I work up in filing.

It's very boring. I hope you're not boring.

How does a little red wine and gravity boots for two sound?

We'll start.

Pick me up here after work.

Wear something tearaway.

My name's Dan. Who cares?

Right.

You will not believe what just happened to me.

Some loose woman that you've never met before has agreed to go back to your

place and participate in some deviant sexual behavior.

What gave me away, the drool?

I sure hope she's loose enough to make it another night, Dan.

Why? Because tonight is the night we all go to Miss Sullivan's party.

This tonight?

Dan, we got our invitations three months ago.

Ladies, Christine Sullivan requests the pleasure of your company at a gala

affair commemorating the sixth wedding anniversary of Prince Charles and Lady

Diana.

Party.

Listen to me. We're talking naked Italian women hanging from the ceiling.

No, you listen to me, Dan.

Miss Sullivan is our friend.

Now, if that means that occasionally she'd like us all to get together, then

should do so cheerfully, even if it is excruciatingly dull and stupid.

Hi, guys.

Is everybody looking forward to my party tonight?

We can't stop talking about it.

Good. But you better watch out. There might be some apple brandy in the punch.

Would it be rude for me to bring my tax forms?

positive attitude.

Maybe I'll get knifed on the way over.

Sir, about the party tonight, I forgot. I have to go to a meeting of the B -U -B

-B -A.

Bubba?

The Benevolent Union of Bald Bailiffs of America.

I'm the stubble monitor.

Bull, I am disappointed in you.

I would expect an outlandish story like that from someone like Dan, but not from

you.

You're going to the party tonight, and that is final. Do you understand?

Okay.

Benevolent union of bald -headed bailiffs. What does he think, I was born

yesterday?

Sorry, guys, I can't make it.

Well, the court finds the defendant guilty of indecent exposure, and here's

little free advice.

The next time someone requests Pop Goes the Weasel, just play

the song.

That's lunch, people.

I got your message. It said there was trouble.

I like that in a man.

Listen, there's going to be a slight addendum to our plans for this evening.

Cherry bombs and peanut butter?

No.

There's a slight get -together I have to go to.

A party?

You mean like when Mom and Dad go to bed, we get to play spin the bottle?

Please. No, wait. Listen to me. Listen. I don't want to go to this party. None

of us want to go. The judge is making us go. Two seconds in, bam, boom, bye,

gone. It sounds kind of standard, Dan.

I'm not a standard type of girl.

Did I mention my washing machine?

I've modified the agitator.

In a way that I think you'll find amusing.

Well, if it isn't the tea party animal.

Sir, I just witnessed an exchange between Dan and his girlfriend.

I hope you washed all exposed areas.

Sir, I'm serious.

I need an honest answer.

Is it true that the only reason anybody's going to my party is because

forced them to?

That's ridiculous.

Why in the world would you think something like that?

I've got everyone's paycheck, sir.

And I told them they wouldn't get them until they all showed up. Boo!

At Ishteen Cray's Artie Pay.

Well, okay, okay, okay. I gave them all a little added incentive.

Oh, that's fine. That is just wonderful.

My self -esteem just skyrocketed. Miss Sullivan. No, no, no.

She's probably too upset to even have the party now.

Not a chance.

Damn.

Boy!

You sure find out who your friends are when you invite them to a party.

You'll serve them right if I don't invite them to Snoopy's birthday.

I mean, draw me and quarter me.

Because I happen to know Princess Di's maiden name.

Spencer.

Biggie party?

Spencer. Princess Di's maiden name?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude. No, no. It's okay. Excuse me. How do you

know that?

Well, it was in her autobiography.

Live and Let Die?

You read that, too?

Oh, sure.

I have to admit, I'm a bit of an anglophile.

Hey, you try any of that stuff with her, pal, I'll rip your tongue out through

your ears.

It's okay, really.

Okay, but I dealt with your kind before.

Um, I'm Bob. Bob Mason.

Christine Sullivan.

Look, I don't mean to be forward, but you seemed kind of upset when you came

here. Are you all right?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine. It's just that all my friends think that celebrating

and Di's anniversary is stupid.

Stupid?

That marriage was a fairy tale come true.

You know, you're right. I think so, too. It was like a prince finding his maiden

fair. Look, don't laugh, but I have all six hours of the wedding on tape.

You don't. I do, too. I practically got it memorized.

And now the blissful couple emerges from the horse -drawn carriage and waves to

the eager throng of well -wishers.

Do the wave?

No, no, no. Yes, yes, you almost did it. Go ahead.

Well, okay.

That's it!

You look just like a princess.

Bob? Yeah?

Would you like to come to my party tonight?

I'm serving black tea and crumpets with bitter marmalade.

Have I died and gone to heaven?

I'd be enchanted.

The address is on the bottom. Oh, this is lovely.

Uh, Bob, I don't want you to think that I normally go around picking up guys in

cafeterias. Oh, no, no. This isn't a pickup. This is two people with a lot of

common interests who just happen to meet in a very nice, wholesome, healthy

environment.

Ta -ta.

Hello.

Oh, hi there.

Super night for...

You look wonderful.

Oh, thank you. You look the same.

Did you hurt your arm?

Oh, no. I, uh, new watch band. It's kind of tight.

Oops.

That's my London Bridge cake. I don't want it to fall.

So, uh, you ever been to England?

Look at this. Oh, lovely.

Who lives here? Smurf? How about those men? You think they'll make it this

You think it's going to rain?

Where does the time go when you're having fun? You make sure you tell

we had a great time. Thanks a lot. See you later. Bye.

About time you guys got here.

Miss Sullivan?

I'll be out in a minute.

Some place, huh?

Looks like a toxic cute dump.

nothing wrong with Miss Sullivan's taste that a couple of years in a Turkish

prison wouldn't cure.

This is new.

I'm Bob, Christine's friend.

Watch this guy. He's an admitted anglophile.

Coming through!

Ta -da!

Like it?

What is it?

Who are those two guys on either side of him?

Those are his ears.

Has everyone met Bob?

Yeah, sure did. Put her there, Bob.

Boy, what a manly grip you've got. I like that.

Don't you hate guys that shake hands like a dead fish?

Well,

since you love that one so much, let's go on, huh?

in your... What, you do magic, too?

Now, wait a minute.

These are real. Yeah, well, nice to have met you all. It's been a lot of fun,

but I gotta go. Get back in there. Where do you think you're going?

Who are you?

Detective Sergeant Custis, NYPD.

Somebody complain about the noise?

This guy escaped from my custody while I was making a pit stop.

Spashed a colon.

Eat two peanuts, snap shut like a bear trap.

No, he's not a criminal, but he did witness a contract killing. And we are

keeping him under protective custody because of the $50 ,000 price tag on his

head. Right now, there's a professional hitman parked in a car across the

street. A hitman who wouldn't mind at all splattering the brains of every

in this room until he got the guy he was after.

Is this bean dip for everyone?

Why didn't you tell me you're the target for a gang execution?

It just always seems to put such a damper on the conversation.

I can't believe this!

Please, we have got to stay calm.

Call 911. Tell them there's a cop who needs help. Right.

Hello?

Did you pay your phone bill this month?

Oh, no!

Boy, they sure move fast.

Well, you pay top dollar, you get good people.

But it's such a comfort, I would hate to have my brains exploded by an amateur.

We are just going to have to wait them out. But in the meantime, stay away from

the doors, the windows, and those devil eggs. They're going to repeat on you

like you wouldn't believe.

What if he breaks the door down?

No problem.

Okay.

Let's size up the situation.

We got a mad dog killer outside.

We got no phone, and we got no weapons.

But we do have our wits.

Well, I'm off to stick my head in the oven.

Listen, it's the elevator.

It's footsteps.

Don't anybody move.

That way you'll get a clean hit and there'll be a lot less suffering.

What was that?

It's my cat.

Dan, you stepped on Mr. Whiskers' tail.

If he doesn't watch out, he'll wind up being Mr. Tennis Racket.

I think he's whistling.

Oh, if he's whistling, it's just my nosy neighbor, Mr. Fitzgerald. Let's get him

to call the police.

Pretty boy Harris heard whistling.

Two seconds later, he had a nostril this big.

Hey, the cat.

Don't stare. That's just the way they take baths.

I mean, maybe this cat can help us out.

Of course.

When the hitman comes in, we'll throw it in his face and Mr. Whiskers can claw

his eyes out.

Once again, you're way ahead of me, big guy.

I was thinking we could write a note and tuck it under his collar and then send

him down by way of the fire escape.

Right. Then somebody might find the note and call the police.

Wait a minute.

What if the hitman sees him?

I don't think there's anyone in this room that could live with his conscience

Mr. Whiskers came to any harm.

Send a little hairball.

Come on, Christine.

Please.

It's the only way.

All right.

Write down to call Sergeant Monroe at the 15th Precinct. Tell him that things

are out of control and we need support.

You know, Christine, I have to tell you.

This little guy is adorable.

Hey.

How's that?

Good luck. boogie pie.

Come on, come on.

Okay. Go with the wind!

How's he doing?

Hold on, he just encountered another cat.

Oh, that's Fifi the neighbor cat.

Oh, no, they're fighting!

That's not fighting.

Who are they?

You know, you should let him out more often.

Yeah, but they won't want to touch it.

All right, this is stupid. All these ridiculous plans. What we should do is

the window and scream for help until the cops come. Stay away from the window.

Come on, we're on the 16th floor.

This one's cute.

That bullet... Yeah, almost split the uprights, huh?

I better finish filling out this toe tag.

Do you really think we might die, Dan?

Considering the fact that bullets are flying through the air, I would say it's

distinct possibility.

You really know how to sweet -talk a girl.

What are you talking about?

For some reason, the thought of imminent danger makes me feel so... stimulated.

Wait a minute.

Are you telling me being in fear of your life turns you on?

I feel so alive knowing it could be my last moment.

Don't worry, people. No one's gonna die here. Shut up, Harry.

Bob, why did you have to do this? I know, I know it was stupid, but when I

you, you were so sweet, so interesting. I just had to see you again.

We have so much in common.

Look, I really am an anglophile, you know. I have had enough!

Bull, an anglophile is somebody who studies the British as a hobby.

Oh, I thought it was the guy who liked to put liverwurst in his socks and look

at pictures of Joanne Worley.

What's the name for that?

A whirlybird.

That came from the bedroom.

Must have come off the fire escape.

Bull, get the light.

Right.

Bull, turn the light off.

That was my next choice.

My God, we're going to die.

Now, Dan, it has to be now.

We're going to make one hell of a chalk outline.

doesn't buy what it used to, does it, Mr.

Fancy Pants Hitman?

What the... This is my neighbor, nosy Mr.

Fitzgerald. I was just down for my stroll when I happened to notice your

window was wide open. You were out for a stroll on her fire escape?

I don't know how much more of this I can take!

You and me...

Sergeant Monroe!

You folks are safe now. We already nabbed the hitman. That note was a smart

idea.

Mr. Whiskers, you did it!

How did you find him? We had complaints from 15 different cat owners.

Mr. Whiskers, how could you?

Oh, come on. We better get this guy hidden again.

Come on, pal.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold it.

Christine, look, for what it's worth, I think you're one of the most

attractive... intelligent, exciting women I've ever met.

Thank you.

And you're not so bad yourself.

So maybe I can call you sometime.

No.

I understand.

I mean, they caught this guy, but who knows who else is out there gunning for

me.

For the rest of my life, I'll be little more than a human target.

Excuse me, we haven't met.

My name is Maria.

Has anyone ever told you you have a desperate, hunted look in your eye?

Whoa!

Oh, when you do that, I love it. Whoa!

Damn, she's gone.

I knew that.

Miss Sullivan?

You gonna be okay?

Can we, uh, help you clean up or anything?

Oh, no, no, no. That's okay. I'll just... move.

My life is ruined!

There, there.

It's your party. You can cry if you want to.

entirely true.

I mean, so what if your idea of a good time is different from everyone else on

the planet?

I mean, who's to say they're right?

No one, I guess.

You were just being yourself, Christine.

Nothing's wrong with that.

Yeah. We love you just the way you are.

Thanks, guys.

Oh, police!