Original subtitles

Miss Sullivan, look, I got a new pen.

Mac? Yeah?

Take some advice.

Get yourself one of these.

I've the women wild.

You put something in skinny butts Bosco, didn't you?

Yes, sir.

Here's those blank cassettes you wanted. Oh, great. Now I can finish

transferring all my Mel Torme albums onto tape.

Isn't that illegal to electronically transfer copyrighted material to another

medium?

Well, I suppose it is, but... I know you're disregarding your sworn oath to

uphold the laws of this country and using some sort of situational ethics

philosophy to justify it.

Harry!

Buddy!

Am I interrupting a psychotic episode?

No, not at all.

I always hate it when that happens to me.

Harry, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Al.

Harry, this is my buddy Al.

Al? Harry.

Hi, Al. Real nice to meet you.

Did I mention Al doesn't speak to other human beings?

I'm sorry, you're busy entertaining refugees.

Dan, you know Buddy, my mom's second husband?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you met her in a mental hospital, didn't you?

But I'm feeling much better now.

Taking your fish for a walk?

Al doesn't talk to people.

Ah.

Nice blinking with you.

So, buddy, what brings you around?

Well, I was wondering if you could look after my fish for a while, Harry.

Sure. How long?

Forever.

Forever? Yes, my brother Phil thought it'd be best if I committed myself to a

psychiatric care center for the rest of my natural life.

And since I had no other plans... Wait a minute, buddy. Wasn't there even a

hearing? Oh, yeah.

In fact, it's going on right now, downstairs.

We're just on a dinner break.

That's where I met Al.

Buddy, I cannot believe that you would let yourself be put through something

like this. I know you. You're one of the kindest, most compassionate men I've

ever met in my life.

You certainly shouldn't be put into a psychiatric care center for the rest of

your life. I don't know who your brother is or what his motives are, but putting

you away, that's cruel.

That is unjustified. And I tell you, it ticks me off. No end.

It's about the fish, isn't it?

Oh, poor buddy.

Yeah, well, that's why I got to get down to that hearing room and see if I can't

help. Mac, about court?

Got the lies all set up, sir.

They just took your grandma to the emergency room.

You're the best. See you guys later.

Judge Stone?

Oh, they just took his granny to the hospital.

Oh, gee, I'm so sorry.

Harry's grandmothers are really sick. I was just making a joke.

A joke?

Yeah, the truth is she's been dead for years.

Damn, I missed him. Oh, Mr. Torme, I am Christine Sullivan, legal aide, and this

is Roz and Bull and Mac.

Harry should be back any minute now.

He is your number one fan.

I know. I got the most beautiful fan letter of my entire life from him.

I was in town. I just thought I'd stop by and thank him. Oh, he'd rip out his

own eyeballs if he knew you were in the building, and he'd miss you.

Yeah, he mentioned that in the letter.

You know, he really should be back any second. Could you just stick around for

little while, please?

Well, okay, for a little while.

Great. Why don't we all sing some scat rondos while we're waiting?

I beg your pardon?

I'll start out.

So, Mr. Torme, how'd you like your tour of the morgue?

Very educational.

Bet you you're going to wear your seatbelt from now on, aren't you?

Dan, where you been?

I got to work this evening. I had a little kink in my back, so I thought

Harry wasn't in there, I would try to straighten it out by lying on his

conference table.

Oh, no.

You laid on one of Harry's Mel Torme records and broke it.

No, I moved the records.

To the Radiator.

on, everybody. I got to go.

He's come back to haunt me.

Buddy, there you are.

Oh, that's my brother, Phil.

What? This another one of your tutti -frutti friends you drug in off the

I'm Judge Harry T. Stone of the Municipal Court.

Sorry, the tie threw me.

I think you have a rather low opinion of your brother and his friend.

Don't give me any of that garbage.

I love this man.

He is my brother.

That's right, Harry. He loves me.

Of course I do, you deluded little knucklehead.

worth it just to see your face light up like that.

Come on, buddy. Let's go in. Sit down.

Phil! Now, wait a minute.

I think you are underestimating your brother's ability to decide what is

for him.

I capped my own teeth yesterday, Harry.

Enough said.

You know, Al, I don't care what Phil says.

I know Buddy Ryan.

He helped me through a very difficult time in my life with a caring and a

compassion that very few men have.

But just because he's been through that door, people tend to lump you all into

the same category.

Here, here, please.

Have a seat.

Now, look, it would only take me one minute to run downstairs, get Harry, and

bring him back up here.

Well, all right.

Go find him.

Great! He's going to kiss me on the lips for this.

You'll be here when I get back, won't you?

What makes you ask?

a little trick Harry taught me.

It's called the magic shackles.

Now, don't squirm too much. Those things will chase.

Help me!

Somebody!

Anybody!

Help me!

Nobody can sing the blues like that man.

And as it turns out, I set the record for the world's longest nude parachute

jump.

Thank you.

Anything else, Mr. Davies? Well, if you'd care to review the accounts of the

year he spent on an iceberg or the accordion commune that he started in New

Jersey.

No, that won't be necessary.

The court grants Mr. Ryan's application for self -commitment.

No!

I beg your pardon. Well, that's not fair. I had to go out and sign a

order. Well, just who in the hell were you restraining, mister?

Not mister. I'm Judge Harold T. Stone of the Municipal Court.

You expect me to believe a man that wears a tie like that?

Harry!

I destroyed most of your Mel Torme records.

What? Fortunately, I managed to save this one.

Look, here it is in a nutshell.

Mel Torme is in your office right now. He was going to leave, but I put your

trick shackles on him so he'd have to stay until you came.

I don't have any trick shackles. Those are real, and I don't have a key.

Oh!

Then I've managed to kidnap a well -known jazz artist.

But you see, the prosecuting attorney just kidnapped Mel Torme.

Take him away now.

No, I'm a judge. Really, I am. Check my medical records. I've got the word fun

tattooed on my arm.

Just like his mother.

shackles now technically it would still be kidnapping although i could plea

bargain down to unlawful restraint otherwise otherwise what i have to kill

come on now i'm playing devil's advocate i

could never get away with it no luck nobody's got anything portable that's

strong enough to cut through that steel i still say no explosive

But I do have a friend down in the motor pool who has the kind of equipment we

need. Come on, we'll help you. All right, wait. Oh, only if you promise to

a release form waving any claims and damages against me.

Anything. That's a deal.

Your Honor, Mac is working on your release paper since... Oh, sir.

They put you in with the little general.

Yeah. And after that performance I gave up there, they'll probably ship me off

to a Russian detention camp.

Let bygones be bygones, huh?

Hooray! Over here, Mac, in the Napoleon.

Got your release papers.

Thanks, Mac.

What happened with Buddy? They approved his petition.

Oh, sir, I'm sorry.

Well, I'm going back up there. There might still be something I can do to

Assuming, of course, I can convince him I'm not crazy.

Good luck, sir.

Psychiatric diagnosis.

Speculative, sir, because he won't talk, but possible catatonic schizophrenic.

All right, application for committal is approved, subject to review after

further diagnosis.

Al, would you take a seat over there, please?

Let the record show I was noogied.

Your Honor. Well, look who's back.

will indulge me, I would still very much like to have an opportunity to speak.

Judge Stone, I take it you understand the reasoning behind my jailing you

earlier? Yes, sir. I went goofy.

No, no, no. We don't use those words in here.

Right. Right, of course. Please forgive my insensitivity under the

circumstances. In fact, that's really what I wanted to talk about.

Insensitivity. To Buddy Ryan.

By his brother.

Hey! Who you calling insensitive, boneface?

Don't make me mention your weight problem.

What?

That is slanderous.

Sit your big butt down.

Your Honor, all I wanted to say is that I've had more than my share of

experience with... unique people like Buddy.

And what I've learned is that sometimes it's just a matter of asking them the

right question. Such as?

Well, such as...

Buddy, do you really want to live in a psychiatric care institution?

No, not really.

But we agreed it would be best for you.

No, you agreed it would be best for me, Phil. I just figured, hey, you're my

brother. As long as it makes you happy.

You mean you agreed to commit yourself to a psychiatric institution just to

me happy?

I'm funny that way.

Sir, if Mr. Ryan would like to withdraw his petition for commitment, the state

will make any necessary motions.

You mean I can change my mind and not go in?

No!

Al, you can talk!

Get comfy, everybody.

We don't know how long he's been storing this up.

Don't go, buddy.

Don't leave me by myself.

Oh, don't worry, Al. The place you're going is great.

I've been there.

The staff is wonderful. The equipment is great. And ooh,

the linoleum.

Green with those little speckly things in it.

Yeah, but he's right.

These people can't help you. You know, that psychological therapy stuff, that's

real. I don't know what's real anymore.

Well, that's what they do in there, Al. Help you figure that out. How do I know

they're real?

Well... Time's up.

Okay, you stumped me there, pal.

When I was young, my mother told me Santa Claus.

was real.

But then, when I got older, she told me he wasn't.

One book says Jesus is real.

One book says he isn't.

We're living in the greatest country in the world.

And we're murdering each other in the streets.

What? Did they expect when they made us believe in the tooth fairy

and the Easter bunny and then gave us the nuclear bomb to play with?

Hey, diddle, diddle, the cat and the fiddle is a lie like all the rest.

The astronauts killed the man in the moon.

Growing up, took care of the rest.

I don't know anything anymore, buddy.

Except that when I'm around you, I don't feel so lost.

If you leave me,

I think I'll die.

Could be a bad tooth.

Don't worry, Al.

We'll get through this together.

I'm coming in there with you.

Are you sure about this, Mr. Ryan?

Buddy, if you're doing this for my benefit... I need the rest, Phil.

some of the stuff Al is saying about Santa is true, we both got some things

work out.

I'm not sure who belongs inside anymore.

All right, court's dismissed.

See you later, buddy.

I'll be with you in a sec, pal.

Really? Lose the tie.

I was so wrong about you.

Buddy, I'm sorry.

Oh, come on. I'll make you a dental plate. You'll feel better.

Yeah, I'll go down and get you things out of the car.

That's my brother.

What is it, buddy?

What is it about you that makes you so special?

How come people that are lonely and sad, they feel better just because you're

around?

What is it?

Love.

Caring.

conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene with regular professional care.

What the hell is taking him so long? He called over two hours ago.

I don't know, Dan, but Harry wants you to wait right here.

Couldn't he just kill me quick and get it over with?

No such luck, Dan.

Oh, settling.

He'll squirm for hours, sir.

Harry, you wouldn't. Oh, of course not. Hell, I'm not even upset anymore.

You're not?

Nah, I figure what's the point of carrying a grudge?

Harry! Harry, look!

Mel Torme just messengered this over from his New York office. It's a

of every one of your albums that was destroyed.

Oh, no.

My huge blunder wiped out in one single stroke and you say, oh, no.

Oh, come.

upholstery.