Original subtitles

Call everybody.

Here you go, Dan. My favorite, plain brown wrapper.

And for you, Christine.

Oh, good. My sensitive guy calendar is here.

Twelve months of respect.

Alan Alda.

Jimmy Carter.

Phil Donahue.

And will you look where he's got the ERA tattoo.

Christine?

You really know how to flatter a girl, Bull.

Bull, what are you doing?

Well, I've been going out with Joy for some time now, and I figured this is the

only way I could experience what it was like for her to be blind.

I think that is so sensitive and sweet.

Seems like you two are really getting along.

Yeah.

Want to hear what she calls me?

Her little stubble -headed mutant?

Cute, huh?

Well, I got some more practicing to do, but don't tell Joy. I want this to be a

surprise.

Love is a many splintered thing.

Something French tickle your fancy dance?

No, it's just a death threat, Harry.

sucking pig.

Prepare to die a lingering horrible death.

Oh, maybe he's got me front row seats at the Captain and Tennille reunion.

Dan, you may think this is a joke, but this is serious.

You never know, right around the corner could be some violent, crazed monster.

Your Honor, I'm worried about Dan.

Well, just don't make eye contact or show fear, and he'll leave you alone.

I'm serious, sir.

Sure, Dan may act like that death threat doesn't bother him, but believe me,

beneath that macho facade is a very frightened man.

Okay, okay, forget about the flypaper and the ping -pong balls.

His courage is an inspiration to us all.

Sorry, lady, he thought you were the man. I'll shoot.

So, big fella, how's your day in the dark been so far?

Great. Except for doorknobs.

Whoever put them at that height was a very cruel man.

There she is.

The angel -haired, cherub -faced light of my life. Watch out. Move them or lose

them. Pull them up.

Ice muggle cakes.

Here, you left your Telly Savalas album at my place.

Thanks, but you didn't have to bring it in. I was going to drop over to your

place tonight for a little... You know what?

Another evening of Wheel of Fortune and thumb wrestling?

You know me like a book.

We've been going out for four months, and not only haven't you even tried to

to first base, you haven't even gotten out of... the dugout yet.

Uh, she loves baseball.

Look, Bull, you're a sweet guy, but I've had enough of this brotherly love

garbage. I want to be touched. I want to be handled.

I want to feel like a Braille copy of the Yellow Pages.

And if you can't manage that, I'll find someone who can.

Thank you for keeping that our little secret.

Your Honor, can I be excused for a minute? Yeah, sure, Bull.

Five, four, three, two... Oh,

great. Well, yes, you can

make it.

Terrific. I'm looking forward to it. I've heard a lot about you.

Candy.

Okay, okay, I'll see you at nine.

Oh, Danny boy, your pants, your pants are falling.

Excuse me, uh, Mr. Fielding? Just a second, lad, I'll be with you in a

Hey, what the hell is this?

It's a bomb.

It's going off in 30 minutes.

Or sooner, if I push this little button.

remember who I am, do you? Yes, of course I do.

Roger.

Steve, Bob, Bill, Joe, Rudy.

Forget it, Fielding. You're going to go back in that courtroom and continue

about your work.

If you tell anyone about this bomb, then I push this button and you turn into

bagel bits.

Got it?

So,

the camera... driver says to the hooker, gee, lady, don't you have anything

smaller?

I love it! I don't get it, but I love it!

Mr. Prosecutor, do we have a problem?

A problem, Harry? Yes, um, I have new shoes.

Well, gee, if it's a footwear... emergency. Take your time, Dan. I think

right to speedy trial business has been way blown out of proportion.

Don't you?

Hey, Dan, you got a new briefcase?

Yes, I just bought it.

Dan, those aren't your initials. This is E .C.

That's because I named my briefcases.

For instance, the one on my desk over there, that's Vic Schwartz.

This is Emile Cartier.

What do we got, Mac?

People versus Mac Farlane, sir.

Assault. Your Honor, my client was provoked by an antagonistic neighbor who

insisted on playing his stereo loudly at all hours of the night.

Your Honor, the plaintiff clearly had no malicious intent bombing my briefcase

to antagonize the defendant.

The plaintiff had no previous bombing my briefcase complaints from other

neighbors.

I would like to cite the precedent of Becca versus Baum in my briefcase to

illustrate my point.

Defense?

Your Honor, a prosecution is citing precedent, which is absolutely irre...

Here's a bombing briefcase!

Freeze! Anybody makes a genius, tiniest move...

And I thank you for your support.

Just think, Dad.

All I have to do is push this little button.

This is more fun than watching horseflies explode in the bug zapper.

Mister, do you really think you can get away with this?

This building is crawling with highly trained and heavily armed security

personnel.

Many of whom are not blindfolded.

Oh, did I miss anything?

What do you people keep coming back in here for?

This briefcase is filled with deadly explosives.

Hey, we just... couldn't stand the thought of being outside while our good

friend Dan was in here with his life on the line.

Don't give me that crap.

Fielding doesn't have any friends.

Boy, this guy's done his homework.

Tell you what, Dan.

This show of support by your friends has convinced me not to blow you up. It

has?

It has!

Provided... You can tell me who I am before the timer goes off.

You taught Birchfield, and you found me in your fiancé's refrigerator the night

before your wedding.

You're Bob Underwood, and you found me in your refrigerator the night after

wedding. This is exciting. I have to go to the bathroom.

That'll give you some time to think about it. You have 17... Don't make that

minutes, Dan.

Dan, come here, quick.

Ross will have these things off you in no time. Oh, right.

Oh, by the way, I wouldn't try cutting Dan's handcuffs. That would cut the

circuit and detonate the bomb immediately.

Guess I can kiss off that five bucks you owe me.

Gosh, I wish I knew what to say to her.

All right, Joy, that's where we want to plant?

Fine. But just remember, it takes two to tango, five to form a conga line, and

only one to do the twist.

What the hell am I talking about?

That's what I'd like to know.

Joy? You know something, kiddo? You are really screwed up.

Oh, really?

What makes you so sure of that?

Because you're sitting in the ladies' room.

Oh.

That would explain all the screaming when I walked in.

Yeah. Well, how about trying making me scream once in a while, huh? Like in

delight?

Look, Joy, you know how I feel about you. You're tops in my book.

Bull, I don't want to be tops in your book. I want to be topless on your

table.

But I got plenty of chairs.

Well, can't you get it through that thick, bloated...

Cotton Dacron skull?

Did you put your shorts on over your head again?

It's a blindfold.

I've been wearing it all day.

I wanted to understand what it's like for you.

You know, to feel defenseless and helpless.

Oh, excuse me. Did you say helpless?

Yeah. Oh, now it all starts to make sense.

You've been treating me the way you have because you'd feel like you were taking

advantage of me.

Well, I wouldn't be taking advantage of you. You're blind.

You don't even know what I look like.

My fingers tell me you're a cross between a Cro -Magnon man and a balloon

Macy's parade.

You're just saying that.

Fool. I'm a full -functioning, totally capable human being. I'm also a

W -O -M -A -N.

A wombat?

A woman.

Bull! Can't you understand what that means?

Can I think about it?

Think about this, Buzzhead. I may be blind, but I have needs, I have desires,

and if those construction workers can be believed, I have a bodacious booty!

Promise if you get me out of this one, I'll never abuse dairy products again.

You've only got nine minutes left, Dan.

Okay, all four basic food groups.

Somebody call the bomb squad.

Hallelujah!

Okay,

where's the bomb?

Right here.

Oh, boy, I'll bet someone's shorts are full of bricks right now, huh?

with a detonator could come back any second. Yeah, let's have a look at this

baby, huh?

You have done this before, haven't you? Oh, yeah, hundreds of times. After a

while, you get kind of philosophical.

I mean, one false snip and boom!

You're gone!

Well, let's crack this puppy open and see what happens.

No! I don't want you touching my bum.

Hey! What do you think you're doing?

Oh, there you are.

I don't believe you've met Harry's gavel repairman.

You don't fool me.

He's from the bomb squad. I ought to blow you up right now.

Now, I don't know what it was that Dan did to you, but I'm sure that whatever

was, he would now be willing to apologize for it. He's had over 25 years

apologize.

It happened 25 years ago?

Did it involve a person, place, or thing?

With Dan, it usually involves all three.

Dan, think!

You've only got four minutes left.

Wait. The initials on the briefcase had E .C. It's getting warmer.

Come on, Dan. Think. E .C.

I got it!

You're Everett Cummings, and I slept with three generations of your family!

Oh, but I'd love to hear the story sometime.

concentrate. My mind is going all over the place. The rest of you will be too

you don't come up with that name.

25 years ago, I was in Louisiana in high school.

I knew it was the Carter.

But no, his name was Stinky Carter. He was a little short guy, wore glasses,

plaid shirt, button all the way to the top.

Stinky!

The name is Ernest.

Ernest Carter.

I always hated the name Stinky.

Not that I'd expect someone like you to know that. The man who shattered my

dreams and ruined my life.

What are you talking about, ruined your life?

The district science fair.

You deliberately destroyed my battery -operated sewage treatment plant.

This is coming back to me now, I remember it, but it was an accident.

That was a malfunction with my model of the female reproductive system.

The inflatable woman ruptured.

Flew across the room and smashed into my sewer of the future.

Lost the scholarship. Spent the next 15 years of my life emptying septic tanks.

I don't mean to interrupt, but that clock's still ticking and Dan did guess

you are. That's right. A deal's a deal. You gotta let him go.

No! I changed my mind.

You can't! Why not?

Because!

Because I called no changes before.

Ernie. Listen to me. If you back out on the deal now, you'll be no better than

Dan. What? Well, you don't like him because he's a worthless, low -life,

subhuman slug, right? Right. Well, now, if you go back on your word, you're

going to be just like him.

That's right. That's right. You'd be nothing but a double -crossing,

slimeball whose word is good for nothing.

A backstabbing, deceitful degenerate. A twisted, two -faced scuzzbucket.

Oh, my God.

You're right.

I see it now.

What I've done is totally wrong.

If I did this, I'd be just like Dan.

Nothing better than the doggy stuff on the bottom of mankind's shoe. That's it.

There. It's off.

Here are the keys to the handcuffs.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I'm free. I'm saved!

I'm tall, I'm fashionable, and I'm saved thanks to you guys. You saved me by

convincing him I was no worthless, degenerate piece of human trash.

Drinks are on me.

The man is proud of it. Tell you one thing he's not very proud of, his name.

You know he changed it?

Oh, yeah, we met his parents. We understand his name used to be Elmore.

Oh, no, not just his last name. His first name, too.

You mean Dan's name isn't Dan?

No, it's... Uh, Arnie.

Pal. Buddy. Friend.

Reinhold.

Reinhold!

Okay, okay, okay, fine, fine. The truth is out. Go ahead.

Have your fun. Get it out of your system.

No, no, no, Dan.

This isn't something you do all at once. This is something you savor over years.

Hey, how come this thing is still ticking?

Well, it's one of two things.

It's either a harmless strobing quartz oscillator or... Run for your life!

Perry!

Huh.

I guess court's been dismissed.

I've been working on the railroad all the live long day.

Well, if it isn't Perry Coma.

Joy.

Come here.

What is it?

I've got something I want to say to you.

Yes?

I could smell you coming a mile away.

You ought to write greeting cards, you know that?

No. I mean, I smell that fragrance of copier fluid you always have on your

hands. And I knew you were near.

Just like I can hear that precision ticking of your $2 watch.

I guess the eyes aren't the only senses we have.

Pretty perceptive.

Almost good enough to be blind?

Almost.

Joy, I've been a real ass.

Go on.

I've been treating you like some helpless, fragile invalid who isn't

taking care of herself.

And the truth is...

You can see a lot of things more clearly than I can.

Yeah.

Like how big your heart is.

Come over here and park that bodacious booty next to me.

Oh, why, Mr. Shannon, on this big, long, hard table?

Why, whatever would we do on it?

Smooch?

Make that a frenzy of pagan lust and you got a deal.

Okay. Whoops.

Okay. Commence lip lock.

Did anybody see bull?

No, why?

Somebody said they saw him heading toward the courtroom.

Yes, master.

Joy? Bull? Are you okay?

Oh, great.

Come on, Bull. There must be some place around here where we can get some

privacy. Yeah, some place less drafty.

Excuse me.

Could you pass me the sugar, please?

Reinhold?

Goodbye, Ernie.

Goodbye, Dan.

Little maggot.

How dare you come in here and ruin my life by telling everybody my name is

Reinhold. Hey, hey, hey.

Just thank your lucky stars I didn't tell them about the accordion.