Original subtitles

I'd hate to fly eight tiny reindeer through this lop.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to be standing directly under them either.

Merry Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho!

Well, if it ain't Christine Kringle.

You certainly seem to be full of fa -la -la -la -la.

Well, you know me and the holidays, sir.

Yes, we do.

Here's something I made for you and for you.

Go ahead, open them.

made this all yourself?

It's a gavel cozy, sir.

Oh, and it's a beauty.

Oh, Christine, thanks a lot.

What the hell is it?

Seems to be a member of the amoeba family.

It's a Christmas tree ornament. A gingerbread man.

It is?

It's made of plaster.

I had a little problem prying it out of the mold. The arms and the legs fell

off.

Hey, Judge, did you have me paged?

Yeah, Art. Why is it so cold?

Well, sir, on Earth's trip around the sun.

Art,

what I'm asking is, is it possible to take the chill off the air in here?

I suppose I could go bang Bertha.

Excuse me?

Bertha, the furnace?

You bang her in just the right spot and she puts out some pretty good heat.

Okay, Art, but be gentle with her, huh?

A tap and a wrap it is, sir.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, Christmas Eve.

Yeah, there is definitely something special on the air tonight, isn't there,

Bull? Yeah, my mom.

Pardon me?

She's flying in for a visit.

Well, that's terrific, Bull. Where's she coming from?

I'm not really sure.

Her job takes her from one place to the next.

What is she, some sort of sales rep?

No, skipper of a garbage scow.

Bull, your mother calls refuse?

I know it sounds glamorous, sir, but that doesn't change Mom one bit. She

puts her pants on one leg at a time.

The good one first, then the peg.

Bull, here's a little something I made for you. Really, for me?

Just like the one I made for Mac.

How lucky!

A gingerbread man!

No, no, no.

Just

the

way my mom used to make them.

Hey, Judge, did you notice that I got Bertha going?

Bart, we are swooning into pools of our own sweat.

Hey, when Bertha puts out, she really puts out. Va -va -voom!

Bart, maybe we could turn Bertha down a couple of booms.

Certainly, sir. I'd be delighted.

What am I going to tell her now?

Yes, the passenger's name is Mrs. Henrietta Shannon, but she might be

Hank.

I see.

Well, have any of your pilots mentioned anything about a lady showing the crew

tattoos of her family?

Hello? Hello?

Like I said, it's my little girl's first Christmas, and I want it to be special.

So do I, Max.

But Renee is only eight months old.

I don't think she's ready for an electric train set.

Well, at least she'll hear you. Would you quit saying T -R -A -I -N?

You brought her a trombone?

Uh, can we help you, Bull?

Uh, yeah. Want to see a picture of my mother?

No, that's her pet owl, Spike.

Hasn't left her shoulder in 20 years.

Oh, that would explain the colorful rain slicker.

That darn hooter.

Look who's standing under the mistletoe.

That goes for you too, shorty.

Our baby is a little young to appreciate one of those.

Wow, a doodle town flyer with a chug -chug smokestack. Oh, yes, yes. I want

little girl to have the best.

You see, some kids never got to have a train.

Because they didn't eat all their Brussels sprouts.

They hated those little green blots, haven't they?

Going down to Atlantic City, watch a couple of guys beat each other up.

I got ringside seats.

Right up where you can hear all the thuds and grunts and noses going squish.

God, I love Christmas.

You enjoying that gavel cozy, sir?

As much as any human being possibly could.

You look ready for your big holiday.

I'm anxious to get away from all this snow.

And this heat.

So we ain't going nowhere till the prosecution gets here.

Yeah, Dan must be taking care of some last -minute details for his trip. Where

did he finally decide to go?

Hey,

man, is that all between the limbo and Christmas bells?

Hi, Dan.

And I presume this is the... lovely Mrs.

Fielding. As far as the hotel is concerned, yes, sir.

May I introduce Miss Nicole Petty, my traveling companion to the wonderful

of Jamaica.

Hi there, Nicole. Is this your first time?

Get real.

No, no, no. I meant, is this your first trip to Jamaica?

Oh.

Yeah.

I think so.

Well, real nice chatting with you.

Dan, we gotta get to work.

Ah, yeah. All right, darling.

Here are the tickets and our luggage.

I will meet you at the plane, okay?

That's the big thing with the wing.

Oh, yeah. I remember.

Look.

What do you think of that body, eh, man?

Seems to keep her head from floating away.

I know you're busy, sir, but it's my mother we're talking about.

Well, could you please take a look by the baggage carousel?

She likes to ride it sometimes.

Matt, can we zip through this docket and get the hell out of here? Yes, sir.

Uh, call St. Nick.

What do we got? Parking in a no reindeer zone?

That's a mutual assault case.

Mutual? I kicked his butt.

In your dreams, fat boy.

Don't make me take off my cozy.

Mrs. Stapleton and her son, Eric.

Material witnesses.

Oh, boy.

Okay, in view of the presence of tiny little ears, I suggest that we all couch

our testimony in such a way as not to destroy any Yuletide beliefs.

Am I making myself understood?

Yes, sir. Well, during his lunch break at the department store, Santa Claus

had the urge to, um...

Put something in her stocking.

He, uh, employed my client to be... Santa's helper.

Right. So then this fellow is... I'm the elf who handles the money.

Anyway, after the, um... Gift exchange?

Okay, Santa forgot to leave anything under her tree.

So later then, the dynamic duo confronted Santa at his workshop.

My boy heard Santa use the most vile, gutter words imaginable.

Have somebody tug on your sack of goodies and see what you say, lady.

Excuse me, sir, but before you pass sentence, the storm got the computer all

messed up. I can't get anything on Pryor's outstanding warrant.

Oh, boy. Okay, then we will delay the verdict pending a file search. Mr.

Stapleton, you and Eric are excused. The rest of you have a seat. Stick around.

Come on, honey, let's get out of here.

Santa Claus, remember this thing. I want mostly the baby brothers.

I'm game if you are.

The phones have gone dead. I can't get through to the airport.

I don't know if my mother's plane has even landed yet. Can I leave?

Boy, you know I would say yes in a second. Thank you.

Mac,

what do we got?

Forty pages of instructions in Portuguese.

I was speaking judicially.

Oh, yes, sir.

People versus Ruthie Cook.

Disorderly conduct.

How would you like me to hock up a boutonniere for that thing?

Your Honor, I move for dismissal. It was really nothing more than a shouting

match between my client and a couple of carolers.

Boy, the heat is really stifling in here.

You're not going to throw that away, are you?

I was considering it.

What are you going to do, boil it up and make soup?

Oh, please!

Wanted to get my attention back?

We got a problem, sir. How so?

The blizzards close down every street in the city.

Well, that's terrible. Oh, that ain't the half of it. The snow removal

just piled up 10 feet of snow at our doors.

You mean... We are trapped in here. Oh, no, we can't be trapped. We're working a

convention at 10 .30. She's got to be wrapped.

I'm the gift that keeps on giving.

I'll lose my spot on the great judge.

Oh, no, no, people. I'm sure this is only temporary.

So are kidney stones.

How the hell am I going to get to Jamaica now?

Mac, it's our baby's first Christmas. She can't have it here.

Everybody, would you please relax? Believe me, this could be a whole lot

I hope you people are happy now.

Yeah, you are.

No, we...

She just blew.

Say goodbye to the heat.

Wait, we're stuck in here for God knows how long. And even though it's 150

degrees in here right now, we stand a good chance of losing our precious body

parts to frostbite.

friendship continue to grow in the coming year affectionately christine

i

can't believe you burned my card

that's because i can't eat it well last of the pencils great

that'll hold us another 30 seconds hey dan did you burn my assembly

it's a big deal you stick cab into slot B. Who can't do that?

You'd be surprised.

Matt? Yeah?

I'm a little worried. You think the baby is warm enough?

As long as you're sure she's in there somewhere.

Well, here goes my collected poems of Rod McKeown.

Burn, baby, burn.

Hey, let go. That's mine.

Give it up, Granny. It's a piece of old newspaper.

The hell it is. That's my bedroom set.

Come on, people. We're in a difficult situation. We're going to have to make

sacrifices. But after all, what are a few personal belongings compared with

saving human lives? Not my rubber chicken.

That's to give up our personal possessions.

But you don't have to toss your pliable little pullet into the pot, right?

Fair is fair.

We'll always have Paris.

Hey, stop pushing me.

I wasn't pushing. I was just trying to conserve our body heat.

Hey, no free samples.

Don't be so selfish.

Do you realize this storm could be the beginning of the new ice age which will

alter civilization as we know it?

So?

So we owe it to future generations to do what we must to keep fielding genes

alive.

There's a truly repulsive thought.

Is there not a chastity belt on too, Ty?

Stop it, you scum.

She's got some mouth.

If you want to keep yours, you'll shut it.

Get your big foot off my caboose.

Christmas Eve, I think we ought to stop and reflect on what this holiday means.

It's about peace on earth and goodwill towards men.

I think I see the snow and he got caught in a cave -in. Oh, don't drop him. He

might shatter.

What do we do?

Maybe we should rub him and try to get circulation going.

Wrong. Exactly wrong.

If you do that, he'll be shedding skin like a frog on the cheese grater.

Are you sure about that? You don't spend 12 years on the street without knowing

how to deal with exposure.

Well, then what do we do? First, we strip him.

Oh, mercy.

Come on, you gotta keep that hot water coming.

Ever do this with Jell -O?

Okay, that's the last piece of track.

I guess Bertha's gonna help us out after all, huh? All right, if this works the

way I think it should, this whole train track becomes a giant heating element.

Where did you learn all this fancy wiring stuff?

Blowing states.

I ain't saying it's seasonal work. You need a skilled trade to fall back on.

Conley, I think your little darling just processed her prunes.

You change her, Dan. My hands are full.

What a day to wear a white suit, huh?

Damn it.

What happened?

Ah, the whole system shorted out.

What are we going to do now?

I need a good conductor.

Anybody here got a piece of gold?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no way. No way.

Lorenzo, there's a man's life at stake.

Judge, this change costs two grand.

You know how hard she had to work for that?

Oh, what the hell.

We got a price hike coming the first of the year anyway.

Sir, he stopped breathing.

You're right, he stopped breathing. Oh, big fella, don't give up now.

I'll take care of this.

You know mouth to mouth?

Honey, I practically invented it.

The big worry is, how long has his brain been without us? Oxygen.

I'd say since the early 60s.

I can barely feel a pulse.

Blow harder.

Hey, it's like trying to inflate the Goodyear blimp.

Don't stop now. Keep going. Hang in there, Bull.

Come on, Bull. Breathe.

You can make it.

I think you're doing it, Mandy. I think he's starting to come around.

Bull, are you okay?

How much is all this going to cost me?

All right, this is the one. Now listen, these people have been trapped without

heat or food for quite a while, so be prepared.

It's liable to be a little ugly in there.

It's worse than I thought.

Hey, guys, are we rescued?

Yep. Streets are clear. The phones are back on. We got hot food downstairs if

you want it.

God bless us, everyone.

Is this guy all right?

Almost done.

Stay for some stew?

Yeah. Flight 678 to Jamaica. I'd like to change date of departure and get a

refund.

What do you mean the tickets were cashed in by Mrs.

Fielding?

Sounds like she had brain cells after all, huh, Dan?

Yeah, and I thought she was perfect.

Which one of you is Bull Shannon?

That's me.

I should have known.

The Red Cross people downstairs asked me to get this package to you.

It's from my mom.

What does the card say, Bull?

Dear Bull, I have been called to duty in the Persian Gulf.

I'm towing a crippled tanker back to port, so I won't be able to visit you

all.

Oh, Paul, I'm so sorry.

I hope to see you soon.

Merry Christmas to my very special boy.

P .S. I hope you enjoy your gift.

Oh, wow!

What is it, Paul?

Come on, people. You heard the man. Let's get the hell out of here.

Do we have to?

What do you mean?

Well, look around, Judge. I mean, we ain't exactly on anybody's A -list for

Christmas parties, you know?

Including our own families.

Tonight is the first time in a long time I felt like I mattered to anybody.

What happened here was kind of special.

Pulling together, helping somebody out, sort of sharing.

Isn't that what Christmas is supposed to be about?

I'll stand lock up if you want.

For that matter, I wouldn't mind sticking around a little too, sir.

I find myself suddenly available.

What's a few more minutes, Harry?

The baby likes it here.

Sounds good to me.

What the hell?

Well, if you're all saying that you...

Like to spend Christmas Eve shivering with a bunch of strangers in an icebox

rather than heading home.

Then I guess I better put a fresh pot of Bosco on, huh?

Hey, Bull, what is it? I spilled my live bait!

They're slithering all over me! I gotta get out of here!

I'm next.

Your Honor?

Yeah?

It's past midnight.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you.

It's sort of too bad you're not standing under a sprig of mistletoe right now,

isn't it?

Will you never learn?