Original subtitles

Hi, guys.

Hey. Roz?

Roz? Hmm?

You all right?

Yeah, my stomach's just a bit queasy.

Want a bite of my squid salad sandwich?

No, thanks, Bull. I just had a peanut butter and jellyfish.

What's so funny, Max?

This ass.

Come celebrate the Constitution's 200th birthday at Schuster's Plumbing and

Toilet Supplies.

George Washington sat here.

That is so tacky.

Why can't people just celebrate the Constitution without making complete

of themselves?

Hi, guys!

Look, it's Harry's grandmother.

You like this, huh?

You're having a big sale at the Colonial Head Shop.

I got one for you, big guy.

sure this was going to fit. What is your head size, Bull?

Inhaled or exhaled?

Never mind.

Hey, don't make any plans for after work because I got a bootleg copy of the

Edwin Newman -William F. Buckley debate over the ramifications of the Plessy

versus Ferguson case.

They left in all the 14 -letter words.

Oh, darn, I'd love to come, but I already have plans, sir. Too bad. How

you, Mac?

Well, I've got plans too, sir.

Oh, rat, so do I.

We all do.

So you're all doing something together?

Yeah.

What you got planned?

Water skiing.

Yeah, I said water skiing.

It's ten degrees outside.

Everything's frozen over.

That's the way we like it, sir.

Yeah, I get a great deal on the boat, too. Sixteen bucks, have it back by

I don't believe it. We're about to celebrate the double platinum

the most important document in the world, and you folks don't even want to

part. I would think that you would drop everything to come by.

Well, I admire your ingenuity, but the law takes a dim view of what you call

unfurling old glory.

$200 fine and time served.

Move them out.

You know, Matt, I'm really beginning to enjoy this thing.

Me too, sir. Just like working with Mamie Van Doren.

Bull isn't back yet, huh? No, he's downstairs getting ready for Ross's

triumphant return.

Boy, it's been a weird two weeks without Ross.

I didn't think the diabetes kept you in the hospital that long.

Yeah. You know, I've really missed her sense of quiet authority, the way she

radiates that calm professionalism. And yet never too busy to squeeze off a

light -hearted volley of gunfire.

Stay away!

Hey, woolly bully, what you doing?

Stringing a banner, sir. It says, Welcome back, Roz. We missed you.

While you were gone, I got a shoe shine and started breaking in a new uniform.

How long is that thing?

Well, how far is it from here to the door?

Six feet.

Then it's 18 floors and six feet.

Don't you think he overdid it, big fella?

Well, I miss Roz.

I still don't see why she wouldn't let us visit her at the hospital.

I do.

It's embarrassing.

I hate wearing those hospital gowns that hang wide open at the back.

I always turn mine around.

Great icebreaker in the solarium.

I don't see why she was gone for two weeks.

I got diabetes when I was a kid and it only lasted one day.

You had diabetes?

Uh -huh. I got it from eating too many prunes.

I didn't have any visitors either.

is a lot more serious than what you have. You wouldn't think so the way the

neighbors carried on.

It's a lost cause, sir. Move on to the next case.

Okie doke.

People versus LaRue, Johnson, McCullough, and Simon.

Well, look at this. We got ourselves three presidents and the minority whip.

Her name is Francine LaRue, Your Honor, and these...

Our actors from that big TV special they're doing tonight?

Oh, you mean the hip -hopping, finger -popping, constitutional birthday

bash?

That's the one.

Our fondling fathers here got drunk during their dinner break and decided to

exercise their, uh, freedom of assembly.

Honest, Abe?

Look, I don't have to take this. I'm a major talent in this town.

Wanna bet?

Hey, how'd you like me to charge up your San Juan Hill?

Look, I may have to defend you, but I don't have to put up with your sleazy

remarks. Ooh, a filly with spirit.

Looks like you need a rough rider.

Watch it. I speak softly, but I carry a big knee.

Please get on with this. I have to repowder my tights or I'll chafe like a

express rider.

You really like that costume, don't you?

Immensely.

Your Honor, before we proceed, we're going to need an order to separate.

One of the parties involved isn't here. The man playing Thomas Jefferson hasn't

sobered up yet.

A little bit too much Yankee Doodle brandy?

About ten minutes ago, he stuck a feather down his throat and threw up

Well, then you gentlemen will have to decide whether you want your cases

adjudicated together or separately.

United we stand, divided we fall.

Tell me about it.

In that case, we'll just wait for Mr. Jefferson to join our cheap executives

here. Stick around the building, guys. That's lunch, people.

Hold it, everyone.

Watch where you step.

What'd you do, lose a contact lens?

No, my wart.

Say, were you ever in the road company of La Cage aux Folles?

No, but every year I play the psycho killer in our bailiff Christmas pageant.

Is he serious?

Yeah, it's a great show. Frosty the Hitman.

She was supposed to be here by now.

Well, if she stopped to read the banner, it could take weeks.

I'm sure she'll appreciate all the work you went to, Bull.

Who put this stupid thing here?

I missed you so much.

Hi, Ron. How are you?

Come on, Bull. Don't explode the girl her first day back.

Come here. Sit down. Sit down over here.

Good to see you.

We missed you so much, Ross.

How was the hospital?

Peachy.

First, I was dragged in there on a stretcher, stripped naked, and strapped

a bed against my will.

Since then, I've been poked, prodded, pumped full of drugs, force -fed, and

blood sucked out of me ten times a day with razor -sharp needles.

You got to go on a stretcher?

Who wants to know?

Mr. Brian Capshaw, producer of the hip -hopping, finger -popping,

birthday blowout bash.

Ah. The band has an Emmy, a Tony, and 75 Ernie's.

His talent speaks for itself.

Swell. Does he?

Of course he speaks. The man is a genius at speaking.

Yes, sir, I'll shut up now.

My sister's kid works for free, takes abuse like a Cuban welterweight.

Would you mind if we, uh, confab?

Uh, sorry, I'm spoken for.

Oh, I get it, I get it. Brian, he's making a joke.

Look, Judge, I'm staring down the barrel of a two -hour deadline on a TV thing.

Now, those four actors you're holding are my opening number.

So let's say we, uh, swing a little...

Presidential pardon, eh? Well, I'm afraid it's not really that simple.

Say, Ron, wouldn't this guy look terrific in a Rolex?

Say, Ron, wouldn't this guy look terrific behind bars?

Look, babe, come on, cut me some slack here. This is for a good cause. This

is going to fill millions of American hearts with real patriotic spirit.

Kathy, Kathy, I'm ready for my day.

Let me guess.

The statue of puberty.

Tracy, sweetie, I told you to wait out in the truck.

It's cold out there.

See my goose bumps?

My compliments to the goose.

Tracy is part of the parade of government forms.

I'm a carrier.

That would be my guess.

I get to carry the Constitution.

Constitution, sweetie.

Isn't she adorable?

Wait a minute. She's going to carry the Constitution?

As in we the people?

One of the original drafts.

Picture this.

A darkened stadium.

A hush falls over the saps in the audience.

Suddenly, fireworks fill the sky.

Marching bands from all across the country form a giant Liberty Bell, and

the crack come 200 Robert Goulet impersonators crooning the national

laser beams bounce off their gold neck chains.

Well, as long as it's all done in good taste.

Irony, I love this guy.

So come on, Judge, what do you say, huh? Can you do me the big one?

Mr. Capshaw, I have a feeling that your show is going to be a big one whether I

help or not.

Oh, did I mention that we got Pee Wee Herman doing a reenactment of The

Surrender at Yorktown?

Is that really your dinner?

No, it's Bugs Bunny's dinner. But it's all I get to eat now.

You should have some of mine.

What is it?

I don't know. I already ate the face off.

That's okay. I'll just go back to my feast here.

Well, I'm stuffed.

They've got you on a really strict program, huh?

Heavens no.

I can do anything I want as long as it's bland, lifeless, and excruciatingly

dull. The important thing is that you're better now.

Better than what?

I can't eat half the food in this place.

The spicy pizzas, the deep dish apple pies.

Whatever this brown thing is.

Look, so you can't eat everything you like to. Look on the bright side.

The bright side is that I have to shoot up with insulin three times a day so I

don't go blind and I don't get my legs chopped off.

Anybody want my apple, Betty?

I really don't give a hoot that Vanna White is turning around the letters for

the Bill of Rights.

have to wait their turn for their trial just like everyone else, if you will

excuse me.

So, we all getting caught up with each other here?

Oh, good. You're just in time. For what?

My dessert.

What's that for?

To inject my insulin.

And I have my choice of several exotic locales.

I can stick this in my arm or my thigh.

Or, for those particularly festive occasions, I can jab it in my stomach.

Want to watch?

For free?

Hey, Roz, I know this has been rough, but come on, it's going to get easier.

You're right.

Because I'm quitting.

What? I'm resigning.

I can't handle a job like this anymore. Roz, this is very sudden. You want to

think about this.

I have thought about it, Harry.

You can't be a bailiff if you have to leave the prisoners every five minutes

get an injection or check your blood sugar or any of the other damn stupid

things I have to do the rest of my life.

I have the papers for you to sign later.

Roz, we can work something out.

No, we can't, Harry. You expect me to sit around here and put on some kind of

happy cripple show for you people?

Well, I'm not going to.

Hey, Roz!

Welcome back.

Listen, I know how hard this has been.

This banana splits for you.

I found that spoon.

Boy, Roz is really going through a rough time.

Oh, I go through rough times. I don't go around spreading food all over people.

Unless they ask.

We're just going to have to try to be tolerant.

I called Roz's doctor. Hopefully he'll come down here and explain how serious

this whole thing is. Great. Then maybe things can get back to normal around

here. Congress shall make no law. Step kick.

The establishment of step kick.

Religion and freedom of the step kick.

Must have been real lonely at Valley Forge.

It's okay, Bull.

No, it's not.

Roz is leaving.

Just when I've gotten used to her.

The way she mocks my height.

The way she kicks my shin.

The way she yanks up my shorts and hooks the waistband over my forehead.

Well, we'll all miss that, Bull.

Come on, Bull, you've got to deal with those feelings.

Just let it out.

Thanks, Christine. I feel better.

What?

Uh,

excuse me, Harry. Roz's doctor's here. Oh, good.

Well, I'll let you to it. I have better things to do than sit around and listen

to some old geese that talk about Roz's plumbing.

I'm Dr. Townsend.

It hurts right here.

Hi, Dr. Townsend. I'm Harry Stone.

Dan Fielding.

Viral? Yet man enough to let his soft side show.

Enchanting fragrance. What is it?

Hospital soap.

I was palpating a sebaceous fist.

You're just saying that.

Dr. Townsend, I asked you here to talk about Roz.

Oh, what about her?

Well, you see, she's not going to be working here anymore.

What?

can't fire someone just for having diabetes.

No, wait a minute. No, you wait a minute. Roz is completely capable of

performing her duties. As a matter of fact, the biggest problem people with

diabetes ever have on the job are employers with ignorant, insensitive

attitudes. I tried to tell him.

I don't want Roz to leave.

You don't? No, but she goes off to the hospital, and next thing I know, she

comes back, she's mean and ill -tempered.

Well, she was like that before.

But now she doesn't think she can do her job.

I think I'm getting the picture.

Although Roz doesn't seem the type. What type is that?

Sometimes new diabetic patients feel cheated, like they're giving up all the

good things in life. And they withdraw from that pain instead of dealing with

it.

Such wisdom.

Such sensitivity.

You know, I've just made a decision.

I want to donate one of my vital organs to science. How's ten o 'clock for you?

Excuse me, Judge. Any chance of that speedy trial thing happening?

Yeah, in due time, Mr. Capshaw. Time?

We're on the air live in 45 minutes. Don't tell me time.

I've got the Blue Angels in a holding pattern over the Passaic Landsville.

Mr. Capshaw. What's wrong?

What is it? First and foremost, not my fault.

Okay.

Hit me, baby. What is it? You know that original draft of the Constitution we

have down in the truck?

Yes. Well, do you think we could shoot around it?

What the hell happened?

The guards left the truck to watch Pia Zadora rehearse her dance number.

This nut climbs in and grabs the Constitution.

They chase him into this building and into the courtroom across the hall, and

now he's holding the Constitution hostage.

Oh, my God.

You let Pia Zadora do a dance number?

Get away from me or this Constitution's history.

Listen, don't you worry. If he lights it, I'll protect your body from the

with my body.

This could be flammable. Better lose it.

Sir, don't you really want to put that thing down? The paper is very delicate.

It's not paper. It's vellum.

made from the skin of sheep.

Some patriotic lamb gave his all for this thing.

But does he get any credit for it?

Nah.

Mac? Call the Little Bo Peep Squad, yes, sir. Tell them it's a rushed job.

Why don't we just shoot him? Hey, great idea. I'll call props.

Nobody is going to shoot anybody. That might be a fine idea for a Hollywood

soundstage, but this is a real -life hostage situation.

Albeit a weird one.

Sir! Sir!

It's Roz!

What about her? I think she's drunk.

Why do you think she's drunk?

She said she was actually Ed Kooky Burns in disguise.

Then she put a trash can over her head and clogged danced on top of the salad

bar.

That doesn't sound like her.

Oh, wait a minute. Was Roz trembling?

Yeah. Was she sweating a lot?

Bucket. So would you if you're clogged dancing on top of the salad bar.

What is it, Doc?

Well, it sounds like Roz could be having an insulin reaction. She must have

accidentally taken too much. Hey!

What about me? The guy with the heritage of the country in his hand.

Sir, I'm really sorry, but we may have a little emergency here. But I... Stick a

sock in it, Curly!

Roz needs to be treated right away. Where is she now?

I don't know. I tried to take her down from the salad bar, and she kicked me in

the... cafeteria.

When I came to, she was gone.

Oh, God.

Doctor, what happens if we don't find her right away?

Roz could faint.

She could go into a coma.

She could die.

Boy, I sure hope she picks fainting.