Original subtitles

We've got five minutes before Harry's supposed to be sworn in.

Where is Dan?

Mac and Bull are trying to sweet -talk him into covering for him.

Right this way.

Here, put this robe on, Dan. No, I won't.

Okay, Bull, make a wish.

Come on, you guys, don't you realize impersonating a judge is a federal

I will spend the next ten years in prison dancing with some guy named Bruno

the shower room.

And Mr. Fenton from the mayor's committee already thinks you're hairy.

judge is coming to swear you in from downtown. He doesn't know the

But believe me, there's no problem.

You're right.

Because I'm leaving.

Is there anything I can do to make you reconsider?

Hello again.

Oh, hello, Mr.

Fenton.

Hello.

Why are you strangling your judge?

Strangling? Oh, no, no, no. I'm just massaging the tension from his Adam's

apple.

Feeling relaxed now, sir?

See? Nice and loose.

Ready to be sworn in again, Judge Stone?

He's very excited about it.

Oh, by the way, the judge we originally scheduled to do the ceremony got sick.

So you're going to be sworn in by Judge Crockett.

What? He knows us?

He knows Harry?

He knows me.

Yes, but he's coming anyway.

Great, that settles it. I am going to prison.

But look on the bright side, Dan.

You'll know lots of people because you convicted most of them.

Oh, Dan, calm down. It'll be okay.

It's not going to be okay. How can you possibly say it is going to be okay?

Because I'm pretty sure I'm in the clear.

Of course, I survived.

Checklist.

trouble deciding what to wear.

My name's Gus. Gus Melman.

Forgive me for not shaking hands. No, no, that's okay. That's okay.

So, Gus, what brings you by?

I'm committing suicide, and yourself?

I'm not.

Suit yourself.

Well, if you'll excuse me, you know how cranky sharks get when you keep their

dinner waiting.

Don't do it.

You've done this before, haven't you?

Well, I mean, why?

Tell me why you're doing this.

Because I can't live with my failure anymore.

For the last 20 years, I've been an inventor.

You know the pet rock?

Sure. That wasn't mine.

I never invented anything good.

Well, come on, Gus. After 20 years, you must have had some good ideas.

Well, there was the pocket aquarium.

Ah.

And then there was toe flops.

Anything else?

Well, my latest flop was the home root canal kit.

Now, Gus, I can see how that would bring out the armchair dentist in all of us.

So what circus are you with?

Huh?

Oh, you mean the outfit.

Pretty snazzy, huh?

You know, Gus, I am about to pull off the stunt of the century.

I'm going to glide over to the Statue of Liberty, and I'm going to play a prank

so outrageous, so absolutely mind -boggling, that the entire world will be

pondering it for generations.

Sounds like a desperate plea for attention.

That, too.

Okay, okay, okay. How about this plan? We go underground. We live in the sewer

system for five or six years just so this thing blows over.

Can we?

We're not going to live in the sewers. Hey, come on. It only sounds bad. I

there's supposed to be a bunch of albino alligators down there. We could hunt

them for food.

No.

Oh, there you are.

Judge Crockett. Judge Stone is here. No, he's not.

Let's get this bozo sworn in. Where is he? He just pulled his jacket over his

head and went into his chambers.

Once a loony, always a loony.

Let's get this over with.

Maybe I should straighten up a little first.

You see, Judge Stone and I are sharing quarters.

I mean, we only share quarters here.

I mean, we don't share quarters.

I mean, I want to make it perfectly clear that we have never, ever had sex.

Together. I mean... She's okay. We just weaned her from the Bee Gees a bit too

quickly.

I don't have time for this.

Open up, Stone!

Just a minute!

Well, yes, okay, Harry, we'll see you in just a little while. Fine, uh -huh. Oh!

Hi, Judge Crockett. What a pleasant, pleasant surprise.

Got that crap feeling.

Where's Stone going?

He's thick.

And he's going to throw up in the bathroom.

What are you talking about? The bathroom's out this way. That's the way

law library.

Err.

Well, let's hope he's quiet about it.

Judge Stone?

He always likes to throw up between contract law and civil dispute.

Where's Judge Crockett?

Well, he left.

Because he had to find a telephone.

This one's broken.

Ringing like that without any warning at all.

Drives me batty.

I would like to get started before dawn, Judge Stone.

Before we start, though, would you go find my mom? She'd hate to miss this.

She's in the cafeteria.

How will I know her?

Sequin Hot Pants, a big push -up bra. She makes a great apple pie.

You can't miss her. Thanks a lot, Judge. You're a bait, really.

Well. So far, it's going great.

So that's when they told me they didn't need my kind of judge on the bench.

My kind of judge. Boy, does that fly up your nose with a bottle brush or what?

Yeah, politics is a dirty business.

So what did you do about it?

Well, I filed an appeal with the mayor's committee, but they rejected it.

Yeah? Then what?

Then I, uh...

I made this outfit.

That's it?

You filed one little appeal and then you just quit?

Hey, I didn't just quit, Gus. There was nothing else I could do.

Seems to me you always found a way when it was someone else on the line.

Why not do it for yourself?

Yeah, well, you don't know anything about it, Gus. You don't know what it's

to lose your job and have everything you ever worked for taken away from you.

And why am I pouring my heart out to a dope on a...

Maybe you're trying to convince yourself.

Gus, you ever hear the expression, you can't fight City Hall?

And did you ever hear the expression, when the going gets tough, the tough get

up off their keisters and knuckle down before the journey of a thousand steps

begins?

Oh, wow, that's catchy.

That's what I'm telling you, Harry. Don't give up. Look who's talking. A guy

who's about to cast his face to the wind.

I fought the system for 20 years, Harry.

How long did you fight?

Come back in here, Dan.

No.

You can't stay out there forever, Dan.

Why not?

Got a great view of the park.

Plenty of air.

Fresh poultry.

Dan,

are you going to make me do this the hard way?

Yep. Good.

Just be glad it was your belt, Dan.

Your mother wasn't... Did I interrupt something?

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, thank you very much, Bill, if my spine feels much better

now.

There's no one vomiting in the library.

Disappointed?

Now that we're all here, could we please get started?

What are you talking about? Judge Stone isn't here. What are you talking about,

Judge...

Leave that, Dan.

Yeah, well, I'll puncture it myself if I have to.

Uh, we better just tell them. Tell us what?

Okay, I'll tell you.

The truth is, we're all on a secret mission for the CIA.

Right?

Well, it's no secret that...

Yes, I've always wanted to be a judge.

Even as a little boy, I would sentence my pet turtle, Marcel, to

solitary confinement. I would nail his little cage shut.

Just tell them. Hurry, fight!

You look great on my resume.

Hobbies? Killing members of the mayor's committee.

You didn't kill anybody, Dan.

No, I just turned him into a Brussels sprout.

The doctor said he'll be fine. He just needs to rest.

See, Dan, by this time tomorrow, he'll be up and around and ready to press

charges.

Six, one thousand, seven, one thousand, eight.

Bingo. Eight and a half. seconds okay standard acceleration 32 feet per second

per second 8 .5 divided by two we're about 500 feet up wow

you could tell all that from a glob of spit i never knew physics could be so

useful einstein could sit in an airplane at 1600 feet and hop one right into a

dixie cup

You're no Einstein, Gus, but I gotta tell you, that glue you invented worked

pretty good.

It was supposed to be a feminine hygiene product.

You're quite a guy, Gus. No, I mean it. You've made me rethink my whole

situation. You know what it is I really want?

A condom that glows in the dark?

want my job back. You know, if I'd spent as much time fighting for my job as I

did on this crazy stunt, I'd be on the Supreme Court by now. And you made me

realize that.

I did. Sure. I mean, look at you. You've been fighting the system for 20 years

and you've got no discernible talent whatsoever.

Gee, thanks.

I'm going back there, Gus.

I'm getting off my keister and I'm starting the journey of a thousand

Me too.

I love that there's a market out there for me.

And now I know how to reach it. Good for you, Gus. And I know you're going to

make it because you got courage. You got determination.

You got my hand.

you, Mr.

Fenton.

Boy, he looks like he saw a ghost.

Okay, I've had it with all this insanity. You people are stalling for

reason. Now, I want to know right now, where the hell is Judge Stone?

He's right here.

to fight for his job, no matter how long it takes before I'm sworn back in. You

got your job.

Until these walls are smeared with the last drops of my blood, I will fight! I

will fight!

I will... I... I beg your pardon?

Can we get on with the swearing in, please? I'd like to get home before my

expires.

Here's your Bible.

Here's the judge. Is there something I should know? Smile and keep your mouth

shut, sir.

Raise your right hand.

Are you planning to shoot anyone?

No. Fine, you're a judge again. Good night.

Mom and Dad.

Sir, it sure is nice having you quarterbacking the team again.

Well, it's good to be back, Matt.

And that exploding gallop trick was a pip, sir.

Indeed.

But don't you worry. These eyebrows will grow back in two, three years' time.

You're the Prince of Prank, Terry.

Not anymore, he isn't.

What do you mean?

to the Statue of Liberty.

Gus Melman pulls off Stunt of the Century.

I don't believe it.

Uh, sir, we're going to celebrate your homecoming at the restaurant across the

street. You want to go rip up some chicken?

Oh, yeah, that sounds like fun. I'll be there in a minute.

Yes, sir.

Great. Give me a chance to pencil in some features.

jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

Statue of Liberty.

Glow in the dark.

He's gonna be on Oprah?

Hi.

Oh, hi there.

Bad news?

Uh, no, no, no.

Snoopy finally ate that bird that sits on his stomach.

How was your first day?

Well, you know, same old thing.

Winos, drunk, freak, degenerate.

God, it was beautiful.

I never knew how much I liked being a judge until I was one.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I'll bet you do.

So, what do you say we shack up in a cheap motel and write Supreme Court

decisions all over each other's bodies?

Wait a minute.

Oh, come on. You and me and a magic marker built for two?

Well, that does sound educational.

But we have to talk. About what?

We know we have some pretty strong feelings for one another.

Yeah.

And at first the problem was that you were a judge and I was a lawyer. Right.

And then I was a judge and you were... An unemployed lunatic.

Right. But now we're both judges.

No problem.

Well, there is a wrinkle there.

I'm no longer a judge.

I quit.

You quit?

Listen,

I... You quit? Please. I packed a suitcase full of pink light bulbs and

Monroe records and...

I put on that robe, I felt uncomfortable.

And then I felt nervous.

And then I threw up.

I gather you're not just saying this to enhance the mood.

My body was telling me what my brain hadn't figured out yet.

What was that? I'm not a judge.

I'm an advocate. I like taking sides. A judge can't do that. Not if she wants to

be fair to her defendant.

Oh, fine.

Drag them into it.

What I'm trying to say is that just as you feel you were born to be a judge, I

feel I was born to be a defense attorney.

I start back in your court tomorrow.

Then I guess the magic marker is... Better put a cap on it, sir.

Yeah.

Hate for it to dry out.

Come here. Sorry.

Don't be.

You're just being true to yourself, and that's important.

I'm happy for you.

Thanks.

Well, tomorrow?

Sure.

Miss Sullivan?

Yes?

Thank you.

For what?

Saving my job.

Ah. My pleasure, Your Honor.

Who knows? Maybe I'll get busted for graft and I'll end up getting kicked off

the bench anyway, huh?

Keep a good thought.

She loves me.

She loves me.

Thanks for the lift home, Mac. Hey, no problem, no problem.

Harry? Yeah?

Yeah, could I ask you something?

Sure.

Why would you risk your life to hang glide to the Statue of Liberty? I mean,

with all due respect, that's about as stupid as a hit of cabbage.

Well, I wasn't just gliding, Mac. I had something else in mind.

It's kind of personal. If you don't mind, I don't want to talk about it.

Oh.

Well, I understand.

Good night, Mac.

Good night, Harry.

Good night, Mac.

Good night, Harry.

Someday baby.

Someday.