Original subtitles

Do I look all right? You look just like a judge.

Damn.

Damn.

That's what I meant.

Black is so grim.

I don't want to scare the defendants. I want them to be able to relax and enjoy

their sentencing.

A little nervous about your first day on the bench?

Nervous? What makes you say I'm nervous?

Because you're acting like Bull did the time he dropped his ant farm down his

pants.

Except you're not laughing.

Yeah, well, I will tell you what I'm nervous about. I'm nervous about Harry.

We have got to find him.

Well, I don't know what else we can do. He didn't leave a forwarding address,

and there's no way we can track him down.

Well, there's got to be something we haven't tried.

Hey, hey, come on.

Relax.

The king is dead.

Long live the queen.

Dan, this is not a good time to suck up.

Okay, why don't you pencil me in for the 8 .30 coffee break?

Dan! I'm not sucking up.

I'm merely trying to tell you that you have more important things in your life

to worry about than, um... Harry. Right.

The poor guy just saw his whole career go up in flames. He doesn't know he's

gotten his job back yet, and instead of being here working, he's out hiding out

somewhere, planning some stupid, crazy stunt that's going to ruin the rest of

his life.

Fifteen and a quarter centimeters.

What do you know? It expands at night.

Okay, that's your whole order.

Six dozen super boomer skyrockets. One FX.

250 radar tracking system complete with cables and instruction manual and a

bratwurst on a Kaiser, no tomatoes.

That it?

That'll do it for now.

Hey, mister.

Yeah?

Is it okay if I ask you something?

You can ask.

I mean, you got a lot of crazy stuff here.

What are you going to do with it?

What am I going to do with it?

You know, they asked Michelangelo, what are you going to do with all those

brushes? He painted the Sistine Chapel.

They asked Hannibal, what are you going to do with 400 elephants? He marched

them up the Pyrenees and down the Alps.

They asked Dr.

Frankenstein. They said, Frank, what are you going to do with all those severed

and decaying portions of human anatomy?

Well, he stitched them together to create life!

in Criminal Court Part 2 is now in session. The Honorable Harry...

The Honorable Harry,

yet still feminine.

Christine Sullivan, presiding.

Thank you for noticing.

Hello, Judge Sullivan.

I'm Martin Meagle, the new defense attorney assigned to your court.

Kind of makes me your legal meagle.

Cute, isn't he?

Seems almost a shame to eat him all in one bite.

Well, um... Before we start the session, I was wondering if maybe I should say a

few words.

It's not mandatory.

Actually, the first point that I want to make is that...

Even though this is a new situation for me, it is not completely unrelated to

other experiences I've had in my life.

Oh, God, please don't say campfire girls.

For instance, the campfire girls.

That's where I learned to face challenges head on.

Yeah, you can learn a lot staring down the business end of a flaming weenie.

there is a big difference between choosing a compatible tent buddy and,

deciding if someone shot up a liquor store.

That about sums it up for me.

Anyway, even though this is a big step for me, I just want you all to know that

underneath this robe, I'm still the same Christine Sullivan.

Thank you.

Now hit something with it.

Hey, that's telling them.

Miss Peaches Barchet soliciting.

Hello, Peaches.

Miss Sullivan, congratulations.

Oh, thank you. I'm glad to see I'm not the only woman around here who's making

something of herself.

Yes, Miss Barchet was making a mattress test pilot of herself.

an undercover cop that for 50 bucks they could lower the landing gear and see if

he had the right stuff.

Defense? Guilty, Your Honor.

That's it?

Guilty? I'm sorry. Is something wrong?

Yes. Shouldn't you have tried to challenge the police report?

When I was defense attorney, I would explore every possible way to establish

client's innocence.

No, I'm guilty.

Oh.

I have done this before. poor, Your Honor. Yes, I know. I'm sorry. I'm

It's a force of habit. I'm not used to being in a position of punishing anyone.

You get used to it.

Please let me go.

Let me out of here.

Sir, please calm down. You're among friends.

Friends who wear badges and search your body cavity.

But friends just the same.

It was a mistake. Please, somebody help me.

Oh, don't you worry, sir. I'll help you.

That is, I will find every way to give you a fair trial, Mr. Prosecutor.

Yes, Your Honor, the old town crier here robbed your convenience store.

and stuffed the booty in his jerkin' forsooth.

I'm sorry. I just haven't had a square meal in days.

And when I saw all that food in the window, I snapped.

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, yes, the poor thing almost had to eat the shotgun he had with him.

You had a shotgun?

A little one.

The term is sawed off.

Your Honor, we have the police report. We have the gun with his prints on it,

the money, and reports from three eyewitnesses.

That's it?

Other than having the Moment Shots mime troupe come in here and act it out for

you.

Yes, Your Honor.

Oh, well, I think the...

Uh, circumstances, um, clearly call for... A decision!

Okay!

I'm getting to that.

Uh, Mr. Prangler, I find that there is ample evidence to hold you over for a

grand jury. I'm sorry!

There goes my security clearance.

I, um... I think I should call a...

Five -minute recess.

For, um, five minutes.

Smoke him if you got him.

No, no, no, don't do that. It's bad for you.

Oh.

I think she's got a few butterflies in her stomach.

Not anymore.

Yes?

Got another package.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Kornick. Listen, I was wondering something.

What?

wife rented you this apartment, which is something that I usually do.

That way I can sniff out the geeks.

Yeah, you know, you did strike me as a geek sniffer. It's just that you've been

receiving a lot of deliveries these last few days that strike me as a tad

exotic. You think so?

Just off the top of my head, I could mention a large drum of rendered suet,

seven yards of astroturf, and tiny cases of ladies' dress shields.

Oh, come on, Mr. Koenig. Now, sure, some things seem bizarre if you view them in

a particular context, but if you view them in another context, you realize

they're really perfectly normal and ordinary.

Wow, my yak hair arrived!

My yak hair arrived!

You want Judge Stone?

Well, he's... Oh,

he's at the chief clerk's office.

This is the chief clerk's office?

Well, then I guess you feel pretty foolish calling us.

Christine still feeling down?

Sick as a dog.

Well, this egg salad should cheer her up.

Hello?

Look, he can't come to the phone.

Because he's busy. Now, I told you that, chump.

Uh, yes, Mr. Mayor, that was a joke.

I see Judge Stone coming right now.

Ta -ta.

Are you out of your mind? I can go to jail for impersonating a judge. Gee,

on the phone.

Nobody's going to know. Why me?

Well, because it's sneaky and underhanded and... Nobody does it

Normal.

Hello.

Hello, Mr. Mayor. I'm sorry.

Had a little mucus buildup there.

You ever get those things stuck in the back of your throat?

Hocked one up right in the middle of a press conference?

Hello.

May I help you?

Well, thank you. And please, please, call me Harry. Judge Stone sounds so

formal.

Well, okay.

Ed?

Horse is a horse unless, of course, the horse... Okay, yes.

Achoo, baby.

Hello, Judge Stone.

I'm Gary Fenton from the Mayor's Committee.

We're here to swear you in.

You're going to swear him in?

Well, no, not right now.

There are some other things to take care of first.

You know, Judge Stone, we have had quite a time getting hold of you.

Oh, well, I've, um, um... I've been busy? Yes, oh, I've been busy with,

Ooh, Judge stuff.

I think I just saw my own esophagus.

Judge, uh, Judge Sullivan, I... I don't believe you've met Mr. Fenton. He's from

the mayor's committee. He's here to talk to Judge Stone.

Judge Stone?

Yes!

Hello! Judge Stone, we are so thrilled to have you back with us again.

And may I, Judge Stone, say how thrilled I am to be back.

Not that this isn't delightful, but I am here on business.

Now, Judge Stone, there are some papers you have to sign before we can swear you

in again.

Papers? Sign? Yes.

Sign?

Like with my signature?

Unless you'd rather use someone else's.

Could I?

Gotcha. Little jokeski.

Would you excuse us just a moment to have a small judicial conference?

Look, we didn't have a choice. Just go with it. Dan, look, the signature is no

problem. Yes, it is a problem. My signatures won't match.

I mean, I'll wind up in prison married to whoever has the most cigarettes.

Look, just relax.

Now, I can fake Harry's signature.

You can? Yeah, I do it all the time.

Yes. Mac, shame on you.

Well, how do you think you got your parking space?

Oh, thank you.

Now, look, just...

Get the guy out of here for two minutes.

Well, well, well, fine, fine. No trouble. I'll sign those puppies right

You know what just occurred to me? Have you tried the tuna log in our cafeteria?

Magnifique. Why don't you go suck down a slab of it while I take care of it?

I'm sorry. I have to be here when you sign.

What? Why?

Because I have to witness your signature.

It's just a legal formality. Shall we proceed?

You know, memento.

Great, now we have to kill him.

exploding yak hair out of that apartment now, or I'm calling the cops.

Mr. Koenig, I've paid you two months' rent and a substantial security deposit,

so if you want me out, that'll be three months of eviction proceedings, during

which time you're not going to see a penny or rent, and when it finally goes

trial, I'm going to testify under oath that you and I have been involved in a

torrid love affair.

of the fountain pen that people take for granted are the nibs. I would love to

discuss your nibs with you, but I really have to be getting back.

Well, okay. Why don't you come back when you can spend some time? With these

papers signed, if it is not too much trouble. No, it is not too much trouble.

Would you excuse us for just a moment? Look, I just need you to sign these

papers. Thank... Really.

Look, I've got an idea.

Is it a good idea?

No, it's a stupid idea, but it's better than nothing.

Christine, keep him occupied for a minute.

How?

Bend over and get a drink of water.

That always does it for me.

Forget it. Just try something. Hey!

Now you.

Put this on. Why? Just trust me. Hi there.

Hi.

you a question?

I suppose so.

Okay, three men want to cross the river, but the rowboat only holds two at a

time. I know, I know. Where'd they get the rowboat?

Excuse me. Excuse me, is there something in my eye?

Yes, broccoli.

Okay, I'm all ready now.

Oh, marvelous. Let's get to it. Would you mind sitting over there? Fine.

Anything to hurry this up.

I think you forgot something.

What? Wait, here. Put this glove on. What did you say?

Just a little mucus. During this time of the year, I eat a lot of... You know, I

am not interested in your mucus.

Excuse me.

Yes? Why are you wearing a glove?

It's an old war wound.

Now, would you be so kind as to please sit down?

Um... Over there.

Okay, now, let me see. Where was I?

Ah!

Yes.

Much better now.

Okay, the, uh...

The pen.

Okay,

now I'll sign it again.

There we are.

Well, that didn't kill anyone, did it?

Thank you.

Oh, you want to shake my hand? Sure, I'll shake your hand.

Guys, good news. The messenger just brought us a package. from Harry.

Uh, uh, Bull, don't you mean that it's a package for Harry?

No, no, no, Your Honor. It's a package from Harry. He...

Look again, Bull. That package is for Harry?

You just got a little confused, didn't you, big fella?

Yes, I'm sure that's every bit as fascinating as the rest of the day

here. I'll see you at the end of the shift, Judge Stone.

Beg pardon?

The swearing -in ceremony?

We didn't want to waste any time getting you back to work, so we're sending a

judge from downtown to swear you in tonight.

Great. What are we going to do now?

I don't know. I just want some air.

You know a guy.

Okay, we have got to find Harry before the swearing -in ceremony.

Bull, is there a return address on that package?

Just says New York.

New York?

What are we waiting for? Let's go.

Bull.

Why don't we look inside the package first?

There's envelopes in here.

For each of us. Anything else?

These letters are not to be opened until the event of my death.

Oh boy, I can hardly wait!