Original subtitles

Uncle Martin, how would you like some nice flaming enchiladas for lunch? I

turned the flame too high and burned them all to a crisp.

That's the nice thing about your cooking, Tim. It discourages overeating.

Hey, what's the king -size horseshoe for? Well, the cosmic polarizer of my

spaceship has lost magnetism through lack of use. I'll have to recharge it.

Look, Tim, will you come over here and throw that switch for me?

Aye, aye, sir.

Ready whenever you are.

This is ridiculous. I have never heard of people getting magnetized. But, Tim,

I'm not people.

I am a Martian. Well, I'm sorry. I am just a humble Earth man, and I don't go

around wearing a Stillson wrench for a fraternity pin.

No, no, no.

Put that thing down.

Don't come near me, Tim. No, no, don't come near me.

I'll get you loose I

never

knew until now that a kitchen could be so dangerous

Well, that's funny.

You just went by the cigarette lighter and the ashtray. Both of them are made

out of metal.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Tim, you're right.

Apparently my little nightmare in the kitchen drained the excess magnetism out

of my system.

It took me a while to make up my mind, but once I did, I knew it was the right

thing to do.

Don't you agree?

Well, if you decided to lower our rent, we certainly do.

On the other hand, if you're going to raise it, we certainly don't.

I do wish you two would stick to the subject.

Tim, remember the article you wrote last month about Andy Fuller?

Andy Fuller?

Wasn't he the pickpocket that's up for parole? Remember you said how much he'd

need a job when he got out? Hey, do you know somebody who's going to give him

one? I certainly do.

And you do, too. I do?

Yeah. Who?

Me. You?

Come on in, Andy.

Hi, Mr. O 'Hara.

Bet you didn't expect to see me here.

Last time we met was up at the, uh, at the old alma mater.

Welcome to the other side of the Iron Curtain, Andy. I'd like to meet my, uh,

Uncle Martin O 'Hara, Andy Fuller. Oh, uh, glad to know you, Andy.

I sure owe that nephew of yours an awful lot.

I don't know how I'll ever repay him. Well, I think it'll be thanks enough for

him if you don't return to the old alma mater for the postgraduate course.

I sure hope I make it this time.

Well, I guess I better get back to the job before the boss finds out I'm gold

-breaking. Oh, I don't think she'll mind.

So long.

Good luck, Annie.

Uh, Mrs. Brown, look, I know that I wrote the article that said someone

give him a job, but I can't vouch for him.

Look. He has been in the clink at least a dozen times.

Well, I'm sure that Annie knows just as well as we do that 13 is an unlucky

number. You know what?

I talked to the girls in the Westwood Women's Lord Byron and Hemstitching

Society, and they're going to find odd jobs for him, too.

Orally, you're a perfect reputation of the old saying that beauty is only skin

deep. My, what a lovely compliment.

With my hair like this, well...

Well, I must look a mess.

What in the world made them do that?

Perhaps they developed metal fatigue and let go. I should wonder.

With all the smog and sonic booms, I'm surprised everything doesn't just fall

apart.

Thank you.

I thought you said you got all the magnetism out of your system.

Hmm. Hey.

Hey, I have a great idea. Now, look. Why don't you just run downstairs, hitch

yourself up to the old machine, and shoot the juice right back into the old

magnet, huh? An excellent suggestion.

Except that when a certain party, who shall remain nameless, threw a certain

switch when he sneezed, he reduced a certain machine into electronic hash.

I mean, I've got a way not to have it.

Oh, good, because either between the two of us, you'd come up with an answer.

But don't you tell me. No, you surprise me.

Well, if it isn't the literary luminary and his next of kin.

I'd like a word with you two.

Detective Brennan, we'd like to listen to your words of wisdom all day, but

we're rather in a hurry.

Yes, and besides, we don't want to keep you from your duty. Now, as I understand

it, down at the playground today, there is a very hot floating checker game.

Tim, I happen to be rather fond of Mrs. Brown, and I don't appreciate what

you've done.

Done? Writing that sob sister stuff and talking her into hiring a crook like

that Fuller.

Detective Brennan, I thought the purpose of the penal system was to give a man a

chance to rehabilitate himself. Of course it is, but this is different.

In what way? In a million ways, like, uh... Because it's different, that's

Tim, have you ever noticed how some people try to make up for weak logic

strong lung power?

Now, see here, O 'Hara, I know more about people like Fuller than you do.

Possibly, but bear in mind that Marcus Aurelius once said, judgments made in

haste are oft repented at leisure.

I know.

Marcus was saying it. Some crook stole his toga.

That

was just

an accident, Andy. It could happen to anybody.

Yeah, but you notice it happened to me.

I just can't do anything.

Well, I can see it starting.

What is? Same old merry -go -round.

Every time I get out of stutter, I try to find a job I can handle.

Mess it up, get fired.

First thing you know, I'm back at the old trade.

The one thing I'm really good at.

Andy, sometimes the fear of failure brings about the very thing one is

of. Believe me, anybody with your digital dexterity can learn to do almost

anything. As a matter of fact, I'll bet you that there are lots of brain

surgeons who would be honored to have those, uh...

Educated fingers. Look, leave this thing in there and keep punching, okay?

Well, you're almost rid of it. Although I must admit, I still don't know what

you're doing.

For all the basic, really.

So basic, in fact, I almost forgot about it.

This nozzle is spraying me with space lines.

Space lines?

Magnetism is created by lines of force.

By inducing lines of space into my system, I'm able to repulse the lines of

force out of me.

Well, you can't get rid of it fast enough for me. I don't mind telling you

been so worried I'm losing my baby fat.

Four, three, two, one.

Bingo!

No offense, Doctor, but I'd like to check the reading for myself.

Well, just for your lack of confidence, when I send you my bill, I'm going to

add 10 % for bruising my ego.

Can I help you with anything?

Oh, no thanks, Andy. I'm just looking for a place to get rid of this can.

Oh, let me have it. I'll get rid of it. No, no, it's all right. No, no, don't

bother. Oh, there's no bother at all.

Oh,

Mrs.

Brown, I'll be back in a minute.

He spilled my magnetism all over his hands.

Oh, that's just great. That's all Andy's sticky little fingers need.

Oh, thank you, Andy. I can manage. If you'll just put my coat over my

first. Oh, sure.

Thank you.

Oh, a nice pin.

Oh, thank you. Detective Brennan bought it for me one night when we were down on

Elvira Street.

What I see.

Look, why didn't he give the pin back to her?

And how would he explain how he got it?

Let's face it, Tim.

With Andy's past record, he realizes he'd be immediately suspected of having

taken it. Well, that is exactly what Brennan is going to think as soon as

Brown tells him that her pin is missing. That's why the first thing we must do

is make sure that pin is returned to Mrs. Brown.

Well, the second thing we have to do is go down and get that space line

doohickey of yours and get rid of his magnetism. That, Tim, I'm afraid is

impossible. You see, magnetism can be introduced into your primitive earthly

anatomy, but I'm afraid you can't take back the introduction.

All right, Tim.

Gee, I sure let you fellas down.

These hands may not be good for anything else, but when it comes to hooking

things that belong to other people...

They practically work by themselves.

You mean you really took it without intending to, didn't you, Andy? I guess

I didn't even know I was swiping it, so help me.

Maybe these fingers are trying to tell me something.

Yes, they are.

But even a casual knowledge of anatomy indicates that there are very few brain

cells in even the most exceptional knuckle.

Thanks for letting me off the hook so easy.

I don't know how to explain it to Mrs. Brown.

especially with that detective friend of hers hanging around.

We were just going downstairs to talk to Mrs. Brown about the water heater.

So why can't we return the pen for you?

And don't worry.

I assure you, your name won't come up in the conversation.

Thanks.

Okay, fella.

You might as well come clean.

You know you stole that pen, and so do we. But now, Bill, we don't know

of the sort.

Well, you know... You know how I misplace things.

Why, just the other day, I put my hat in the roasting pan and a leg of lamb in

the closet.

Now, Laura Lee, if you'll just let me handle this.

Fuller, if you don't want to talk here, we've got a nice cozy room down at the

station.

You shot the target.

They'll never find it.

Oh, yes, he will.

At least Detective Brennan will.

Okay, take your time.

I can wait.

Hey!

Oh,

it's my pin.

Well, I told you I misplaced it.

Bill, I think you owe Andy an apology.

Well, fuller, I guess I'm sorry. Sorry about it.

Now, Laura Lee, that the case of the missing pin has been solved.

I wish Andy would get out of there while he's ahead. I'd better get back to

work. Holy...

He's pulling Brendan's wallet right out of his pocket.

Oh, I'll put them on right away.

Oh, and I've got some delicious cream spinach pie to go with the coffee.

Well,

don't worry about the calories.

That was quite a tug of war.

I hope we have some liniment and a medicine chest.

You know, I feel like a real sneak watching every move that Andy makes.

There's no need to feel guilty, Tim. After all, we know Andy is innocent of

committing any crimes.

We're simply protecting him from himself.

Oh. Well, I hope somebody up there is doing the same for us.

What amazes me is the scientific breakthrough we've made. Aside from Mrs.

Brown's pen, what else did Andy attract?

A wallet.

Leather. Now, what does that suggest to you?

Yeah.

I'd say he's doing what comes naturally.

In a sense.

His subconscious mind, conditioned by years of habit, is causing magnetic

impulses to attract other substances than metal. Oh.

Well, how come it doesn't happen all the time? I mean, why don't things always

float to him?

His magnetism is intermittent, as it went through my system first.

Well, how much longer is that going to last?

According to my calculations, uh, I'm happy to report a little more than one

hour. Oh, well, I, uh... I am sorry to report...

That my watch is gone.

And remember, he didn't mean to take it. The important thing is that he's got

it. At least it's important to me. That was inscribed to the best reporter in

the L .A. Sun.

Who gave it to you? I gave it to myself.

I get tired of waiting for somebody else to give it to me.

I know, I know.

I'm getting more paint on the ground than on the cabinet.

The instructions say a child of six can use it. Well, perhaps they were

referring to Leonardo da Vinci when he was six.

Yeah, um, Andy, look, I, uh, I don't suppose you, uh, you happen to have seen

wristwatch around anywhere?

I saw it.

I got it.

I was gonna put it back in your apartment after I got finished. Honest.

I don't even remember swiping it. Have it, I suppose.

Well, as long as Tim has it back.

We both realize habits are difficult to break, don't we, Tim?

Oh, yes, yes, yes. As a matter of fact, I remember once... Maybe I just can't

break this one.

Maybe I just ought to give up trying.

Well, now, hold it, Andy. You can't give up trying to go straight.

Well, I'm not doing so good at this.

The other stuff I do too good.

Nevertheless, Andy, there's quite a bit riding on you.

How you go, so goes the rehabilitation program.

And, uh, Tim with it.

Well,

Well, what have we here, a budding Rembrandt?

Like I've always said, once a cop hater, always a cop hater.

Another 45 minutes and it'll all be over.

45 minutes, huh? Well, let's synchronize watches and cross fingers.

I can't stand much more of this.

You! Oh, I'm so glad you're home.

This is an invitation.

Time, right now, place, downstairs, occasion, an informal meeting of the

Westwood Women's Lord Byron and Hemstitching Society.

Oh, well, that's very flattering. Of course, it's been such a long time since

stitched a hem.

That goes for me, too.

Well, I know it's short notice, but the idea came to me just like that.

We're calling it the Welcome Back to Society Andy Fuller We Believe in You

Rally.

That's a very nice sentiment, Floralee.

Thank you.

That's why I'm wearing all this jewelry.

We want to show Andy that we have complete confidence in him. To show?

Do you mean that he is going to the meeting?

Mm -hmm. He's already downstairs getting to know the girls.

Oh, and isn't it nice? This is Detective Brennan's afternoon off, and he's down

there, too.

Oh, my goodness. I wondered what I said that was so persuasive.

Hello, ladies.

Mrs. Peabody.

Oh, Bill, did you notice Mrs. Peabody's pearls and diamond pendant aren't they

enormous? It's my professional opinion that wearing all that jewelry with that

fuller around is just asking for it. Now, Bill, we must think positively.

For once, Brennan is right.

Having a pickpocket in here is like turning a box loose in a hen house.

Tim, Andy is not just a pickpocket.

He's a magnetized pickpocket.

And I'm happy to say that in exactly two minutes, he'll be demagnetized. Oh,

girls, girls, oh, and gentlemen, make yourselves comfortable.

I'd like to say a few words.

As chairman of the rehabilitation committee... Now, I know that some of

our members... Thought we could spend our efforts trying to get the city to

install bird baths all over Westwood. But as I always say, what's more

important? Restoring a man to society or a clean bobbling?

Did you see that?

It crawled in his hand like it had eyes.

Now, I'm going to hand out paper and pencils and we'll all make a...

Possible jobs for Andy.

Just stand there. Do something before she starts yelling to the cops.

Who's there?

Andy's magnetism is making it impossible for me to levitate the necklace out of

his pocket.

There's only one thing left to do.

What are you looking for? My space line.

Oh, you mean that thing that you demagnetize yourself with? Mm -hmm.

thought you said you couldn't demagnetize a human. I can't.

Yeah. However, by throwing the switch into reverse, the space line becomes

electromagnetic, throwing a line of force, creating magnetism. Oh.

Oh, I see. Well, wait a minute.

Isn't that just going to magnetize Andy?

I mean, don't you think he has enough of a magnetic personality already?

This is for me.

It's the only way I can pull the necklace out of Andy's pocket.

Uh, Uncle Martin, suppose Lieutenant Brennan catches you with this stuff?

Well, it's a chance I'll have to take.

One thing's for certain, Tim.

I can't let an innocent man suffer for a crime he never intended to commit.

That means you have to become the sacrificial lamb?

Perhaps.

But we Martians, Tim, are quite the antithesis of your month of March.

We come in like lambs, but go out like lions.

And now, ladies, Detective Brennan, oh, and Andy, of course, I'll read the list

of suggested jobs for Andy.

Mrs. Peabody's loss hasn't been discovered as yet. Mrs.

Murray recommends that Andy take up some sort of needlework trade, being so

nimble with his fingers.

Oh, why, Isabel, that's a very good thought.

Oh! My necklace!

My necklace! It's gone!

room, and I do mean you. Oh, now, Bill, I'm sure

that Andy didn't... Please, Laura, let me handle this. Hands up high, fuller.

There, now, what did I tell you? I was sure that Andy didn't take them.

Well, somebody did.

And you O 'Haras were conspicuously absent for a while, weren't you?

You did leave this room and go outside for a few minutes, didn't you?

Detective Brennan, I resent your insinuation. Do you deny it?

No, but I resent it.

After all, Detective Brennan does have a job to do.

If he wishes to search us, let him. However, if he wishes to save time, I

suggest he search himself.

Search myself?

What kind of a fool do you think I am? I don't know. How many kinds are there?

Martin, now you're being just as silly as Bill is.

Well, he couldn't have Mrs.

Peabody's necklace in his... pocket.

Now, now, now, ladies. Don't get the wrong idea.

The good detective is no thief.

This was merely a demonstration of Andy's to show you how clever or nimble

fingers of the underworld can be.

Next time, you'll be on your guard when wearing valuable jewelry.

And yet, you'll be good enough to return these now.

Oh, my!

Wasn't that instruct...

Hey, Bill, wouldn't it be wonderful if Andy could go around giving groups a

demonstration of how careful people should be?

An excellent idea, Laura Lee.

Perhaps even the police rookies under Detective Brennan could pick up some

valuable pointers of what to watch out for. Oh, Martin, that's a perfect job

Andy. Oh, Bill.

He's not a private joker. Can anybody get in on it? Oh, of course, Tim. I was

just thinking about the boys up at Andy's old alma mater.

Wait till they hear that their old classmate is going to get paid for doing

comes naturally.

Big evening ahead?

Oh, uh, yes. Well, good night. Isn't that my best tie you're wearing?

And my cufflinks?

And my tie clip?

Oh.

Oh, yes. Well, I, uh, I guess when I opened that popcorn can this afternoon,

uh, I magnetized myself.

I suppose it could have happened.