Original subtitles

Oh, that asteroid -headed, Jupiter -crawling, Saturn -ring fugitive from a

-moon planet.

Uncle Martin.

Careful. There's an Earthman present.

I'm sorry, Tim.

Just got the better of me.

He's down there again.

Who's down there?

Oh, Detective Brennan.

Just the mention of his name rubs me the wrong way.

Oh?

What's the matter? Is he, uh, cutting in on your time with Mrs. Brown?

That ten -star Sherlock?

Uh -huh.

Oh, come on, Tim.

You should know by now that a Martian is too adult to be jealous.

That is an earthly emotion.

Oh, well, then let's use an earthly expression.

How come he is bugging you? Very simple.

Brennan is jealous.

Oh!

You mean he thinks that you and Mrs. Brown... Exactly.

And that only makes him over -attentive and more obnoxious. Suppose in a weak

moment she actually agreed to marry him.

Imagine having that overbearing, super -suspicious public eye living right down

there. Just five minutes ago.

Five minutes ago, I couldn't stand it. I saw him and I couldn't stand it. I had

to hurry in here to let off some steam.

Yeah, he is hard to take. He's harder to get rid of.

Take it easy, Uncle Bernard. Take it easy.

That looks like steam.

I said I came in here to let off steam, didn't I?

But real steam? What did you expect?

Chicken soup?

That is incredible.

I mean, to really be able to blow off steam when you're angry.

No more incredible than earthmen producing drops of water on their skins

they're warm.

Besides, you probably will never witness the steam phenomenon again since its

release is stabilized by emotions.

I think something went wrong.

There goes your hot water boiler again.

That shouldn't have happened.

This is wild!

You know, an evening with you could break up a bad chest cold.

Of course.

The heavier Earth atmosphere caused my steam pressure to build up higher than

normal.

It has created an imbalance of my emotional perceptor threshold.

Now, any minor irritation may cause me to let off steam.

And with that snooping detective constantly on the premises... Yeah, and

dope.

Got a great idea.

All we do?

Put you in bed. Tell her when you have something contagious.

Bed?

No, no, no. My mind would still be active.

I have to be doing something to keep busy, but still emotionally serene till

perceptors stabilize.

Last week you were so sweet and offered to help paint the house. And I was just

wondering which you preferred, a brush or a roller? I don't really think that

Uncle Martin is going to be able to get... The brush, Mrs. Brown. I think it

would be more personal.

All righty.

Brush.

I'm getting the paint this afternoon, so we can start tomorrow.

Bye.

You are going to start painting a house? Yes.

Uncle Martin, if you don't mind my saying so, I think that the steam

starting to cook your marbles.

House painting, Tim, is a perfect therapy for me.

Just the gentle monotony that I need. Oh, that's just great. If you like

climbing ladders... Ladders? Who's going to climb ladders? Well, it's pretty

hard to get to the second floor without one. Maybe for your earth house

painters, but not for me.

A levitated brush.

Right in front of Mrs. Brown. No, I'll send her off on an errand, and by the

time she returns... The house will be painted?

Finger -painted.

Even on your earth.

A well -known mental therapy.

Mrs.

Brown, you should have gotten a little thinner.

Even if it's true, I don't think it's very nice for you to say.

Oh, I beg your pardon. I meant paint thinner. A special type for this paint.

Unfortunately, the only store that sells it is on the far side of town.

Hmm. Well, I asked the man for everything I'd need, but... Well, if you

Oh, look who's here. Detective Brennan.

She asked him, too.

Oh. Well, with him around, that means, uh... Hey. That means you won't be able

to use your, uh...

You'll have to use a brush, just like anyone else.

Worse. Just listening to that chicken inspector tackling.

I'll never stabilize.

It'll be steam, steam, steam.

Oh, well, hello, Bill.

Laura Lee. Good morning. How are you? Fine, thank you.

Oh, my.

Wasn't that nice of Bill to give up his day off to help us paint?

Brennan. Glad you could join us.

I doubt it.

Your lip didn't curl up at the left corner.

My what didn't what?

As a professional observer with a sharp eye for the seemingly trivial detail, I

have noted that when you are genuinely happy, even if you don't say so, your

curls up at the left corner.

When have you ever seen me so happy? Any time I leave.

I glance back, and there's that girl at the corner.

Oh, isn't that clever?

Oh, well.

I've got to run down to the paint store for that thinner.

Thinner? For what?

For the paint. You see, Martin said that... Oh, that was your first mistake

listening to amateurs. Your second mistake was not reading the label.

Thin with water, clean brushes under the faucet.

Excuse me.

Darling, at the left corner.

Must we?

The Statue of Liberty.

They did it twice.

Oh, think of that.

Brennan, hasn't anything ordinary ever happened to you?

Try to paint that. It's too high.

Brennan. Brennan, that's out of your reach. I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Oh, Hara, you are not I.

Things are only out of one's reach when one hasn't the strength of character to

go after them.

He's going after it, and he's going to get it.

It's my back.

Oh, dear, does it hurt terribly?

Not if I stay perfectly still.

Martin, help him. We can't just leave the poor man up there like that.

Yes, I guess we'd better do something because he doesn't do anything.

still right where you are until this thing passes.

Yes?

Oh, well, don't worry, Bill. I'm sure that Martin and Tim don't mind a bit, do

you?

No.

Now, provided he stays put, this thing should pass just as suddenly as it came.

In an hour.

Or a day.

Possibly two days.

It could take a week.

Now, he gets one pill now and one after each meal.

If this thing hasn't passed in a month, please let me know. A month?

Fascinating, isn't it?

It's the new advanced Martian mathematics.

Oh? I didn't even dig the old earth one.

The principle is simple.

Like all steam, the pressures within me were created by sudden rises in

temperature. You mean you were really getting hot under the collar?

You've heard the expression, he's reaching his boiling point.

Well, mine is 500 degrees centigrade, and I'm running at about 498 right now.

The only method for counteracting this is by the sudden introduction of extreme

cold.

About 300 degrees below zero.

Into my right ear.

And I thought, my ears got cold when I went skiing.

I'll have to borrow a few odds and ends, plus the use of your refrigerator.

My refrigerator?

It hardly keeps the milk cold.

With a little inverse compression, I could cycle it down to a thousand below

zero and run the low -grade current into my left ear. And I'd better start

tomorrow.

If I continue to steam at my present rate through dehydration, my body will

have the consistency of a soda cracker.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Yes.

As a matter of fact, there is one problem I can't handle alone.

Brennan?

Lieutenant Brennan, do you?

That's what I'm going to do. I can't have Mrs. Brown running in and out

Florence Nightingale to that counterfeit constable.

I'll depend on you to keep her out of the way while I set things up.

I'd be glad to.

But, uh, what about Brennan?

Tim, as much as I hate to go that far, I'll have to take care of him.

Right. Yes, that should convert very easily.

But, Tim, I'll need about two or three hours of privacy.

Oh, well, I thought maybe we could give Mrs. Brown a story like, uh, well, your

birthday was coming up, and I'd like her to go down and help me pick out a gift

for you. Very good. And if you have any trouble stalling her, I suggest you

leave the store by way of ladies' dresses.

Today is bargain day.

We want to stall her just for a couple of hours, not till next Tuesday.

Well, our patient should be awake by now.

I'll steal myself and...

Take this into him. Yeah, well, just be careful. Don't lose your head. With his

ego, anybody can get steamed up. Okay.

Good morning, Detective Brennan.

Or should I say, Poopsie, is who feeling better?

Mr. O 'Hara.

I will flatter you and say I would have said the same thing if our positions

were reversed, and I wish they were.

And morally?

She had to leave. Today I'll be your nun. I see.

So you brought me coffee.

It's strong, but it won't bite.

Or are you one of those who thinks everyone else's coffee tastes like

Poison?

Well, no, of course not.

Why should I think of anything like that?

But, um...

I suppose I don't want coffee.

Brennan, today you better take what I give you because that's all you're

getting. What's coming to you?

Murder may pass unpunished for a time, but tardy justice will all take the

crime.

Lieutenant Brown, help me through to Marvin, please.

Lieutenant Gallagher. Hello, Marvin. Oh, hi, Bill. Listen, my back is fine now,

but I'm not coming in yet.

I think I'm on to something big.

I've been lying in bed trying to stop a murder.

Mine. Oh, it's nothing to be excited about. But here's something that is

interesting. The would -be murderer.

realizing that I was too clever to be taken in by tainted coffee, is now

planning to electrocute you.

You know how I excelled in higher math at Harvard.

You do?

Well,

if I can't make sense of his calculations, there's only one thing

Code.

At first, I thought it was simple jealousy.

But now I realize the man is obviously trying to...

cover up some sinister plot he's terrified I'll discover.

Maybe you'll need help.

Oh, Contreras, this is my baby.

The suspect is in a highly emotional state, and if I can irritate him enough,

think I can get him to make a slip.

Of course, I'll continue putting on a sick act.

Did you know I was president of the dramatic club at Harvard?

Well, you did.

Well, I'll be checking in.

Your lunch, Brennan. The cooking will meet with your approval, I'm sure. I

I were.

Lieutenant, I have nothing but admiration for a good policeman.

Which should give you some idea of what I think of you.

You should be thrilled to have this opportunity.

After all, the only way one grows is by associating with ones better.

Oh, by the way, I like my steak cut up nice and small.

And, um, incidentally...

Do you have any reading material?

You know, something like spy stories with codes and things.

Why don't you stick to detective stories?

You might learn something.

Things are difficult enough.

And in bed can be quite boring.

Why, this morning, just to amuse myself, I was working on a problem in

electronics.

I don't suppose you know anything about electricity and wiring and things like

that.

Brennan, I have been patient.

I have been trying to keep from losing control.

But one more remark from you and I'll be forced to forget that I'm a human being

and that you are not.

Steve O 'Hara, you're raising your voice.

And shouting is only a weak mind trying to show how strong it is.

Have we been away long enough? I took Mrs. Brown past the bargain counter. I

almost had to buy back my own jacket.

I'm sorry, Tim.

You're going to have to keep her away a while longer.

If I don't put myself through the process immediately, you're going to

and find a soda cracker.

That cardboard cutout should keep Brennan thinking I'm

out there while I'm in here.

he's up to something.

And if my knowledge of psychology is correct, he's about ready to crack and

spill the beans.

No, he can't hear me. He's sound asleep.

Well, that's my fault.

Strange new development, Marvin.

I'll call you back. I should have made you move out.

Just look at you.

You're all steamed up.

You're a cracker.

My poor dehydrated uncle.

You're a cracker.

Would you like a glass of water?

to take a swim?

listen. And I want the truth.

Very well.

It all started because of the steam that was coming out of my ears.

Uncle Martin!

As I said, the steam was coming out of my ears because I was getting an

accumulation of aggravation.

And since I don't want to become a soda cracker, I am forced to put 300 degrees

of cold into one ear and 2 ,000 amps of electricity into the other, keeping

myself properly grounded.

All I'm really trying to do is stay well and healthy.

I'll be able to get into my spaceship and go back to Mars.

That's the truth.

My word, Obama.

I believe you.

This uncle of yours... Yes?

He needs help.

He really believes what he told me.

The rescuer doesn't bring him around.

We have a very capable psychiatrist who works for the department.

And if you like, I might even find time to have a few private sessions with him.

I majored in abnormal psychology, you know.

I didn't know that.

or at least a little blinding light.

Tim, don't you see?

The pressure was gone before you pulled that switch.

How come?

It was the sheer pleasure of putting something over on that dime detective.

It's very simple.

Some people get heartburn.

I mean, that was some gamble you took telling Brennan the truth.

I was not gambling. A gamble implies a chance to lose.

Oh? But how could you be sure that he'd believe you?

Tim, Brennan is a man who thinks he knows people's minds.

And that's the difference between us.

Thinking you know and knowing you know.

Besides, it just goes to prove.

Honesty...