Original subtitles

Oh, boy.

Too much topspin, Tim. My head would never have gone over the net. I wish you

would tell me when you're going to work on your invisibility mechanism. What is

this, a 5 ,000 -mile check?

No, I'm realigning the invisiflex. Oh?

Is that the invisiflex?

Watch it.

Hey, that racket cost me 15 bucks.

Only a temporary loss.

As soon as the molecules re -phase themselves, it will reappear. Oh.

Oh, I see.

InvisiFlex makes things invisible.

Good deduction.

You get A in logic, C minus in timing.

Now, why don't you run along to your match, huh?

Huh? What? With an invisible tunic, I guess?

I'm sorry about that. I'll just go.

Hey, look at that.

You left a dime in your toolbox.

Tim, that's not a dime. And will you please put it back carefully?

Oh? What is it? Some sort of a lucky coin? It's the most valuable thing I

It's my Martian identity disk.

Oh, your dog tag.

Exactly. Without it, I might as well go into orbit and stay there.

That's my identification, my space vehicle license, and my emergency

signal.

Emergency distress signal. It houses a complete microscopic sound tape.

When its owner's life is in danger, it goes off and calls for help.

Now, will you please put it away?

Oh, sure.

Sorry, now how is that?

I'm sorry, did you hurt yourself?

Stupid as Saturn, Pluto, E equals MC squared.

Don't worry about that. My identity disk.

Where's my identity disk?

I've got a splinter of Invisaflex in my finger.

Here, look.

Here's your toolbox and here are all your tools.

Yeah, it's all over the floor.

Hold everything, Tim.

Hold everything. It never pays to panic. Now let's sit down and think this over.

Now, now, just as long as I don't touch anything with this finger.

and your invisible tennis racket.

You and your invisible couch.

Any luck?

No, I'm afraid nothing I tried got that invisiflex out of my finger.

Conclusion verified.

Q -E -D.

Q -E -D, and there goes my favorite painting.

How about tweezers in that finger?

Well, I tried that, too.

We now have two invisible tweezers and a bottle of invisible iodine.

Oh, Ken, Ken, run along for your tennis.

I can find that identity disc.

No. It was my fault that you lost it in the first place. No, no, Tim. It was my

fault. Sometimes I forget what a strain it is having a Martian around in your

house. Somebody who pops on and off like an electric light.

Keeps a spaceship down in your garage.

Makes your furniture disappear.

Oh, don't be silly, Uncle Martin.

No, no. You've done your share for interplanetary relations.

After I find my identity tag, I'll move out and give you a vacation.

Oh, now, will you stop talking like that? What do you mean?

Look, as far as I'm concerned, you are my uncle.

Oh, I'll admit that having a Martian around isn't easy.

But on the other hand, it has its good points.

It's been very educational.

So let's not have any more talk about moving, okay?

Well, thank you, Tim.

Someday I'll make it all up to you.

Ah, ah, ah, if you don't mind.

It got water on the brain, too.

Not at all.

You try, Tim.

Hitting myself in the head?

That's a scientific experiment. Come on, Tim. Come on. Come on. It's important.

Oh, well, all right. How hard? I mean, would you like me to give myself a nice

mild headache or knock myself unconscious?

Oh, boy.

Uncle Martin, you're right.

Remarkable phenomenon, isn't it?

Yes.

It's painful, too.

The invisible objects are still in the room, Tim. The only reason we don't see

them is because their molecules are vibrating 90 degrees out of phase.

By hitting your head, you vibrate your retina the same 90 degrees.

Well,

it vibrates more than my retina. And it hurts right down to my toe.

Uncle Martin.

I found it. Where? I found it. Your dog tag.

Where?

Over there. Where?

That's it.

Yeah. Yeah, that's it.

Now, a little more to the left.

Oh. Oh, there it is.

No, no, no.

I lost it. Well, there. A little more to the left. More left.

That's it, Uncle Martin.

Well, there it is.

I lost it.

There, a little more to the left.

Maybe if I give myself a real good clock, I... Mr. Brown!

Uh,

uh, I bet you wonder what I'm doing, don't you? Yes. Well, what I'm doing is

Uncle Martin asked me to show him a dance. A dance? Yes, the swim, and I'm

showing him how to do the swim.

Not exactly, Mrs. Brown. It sort of goes like this. First you get the hips

going, see? Then you get the arms going like this, right? And then you knock the

water.

Oh,

is that cute?

Oh, do you remember the Big Apple? Oh, when I was a girl, it was very popular.

First you sort of start like this. Well, maybe some other time.

Mrs. Brown, you see, to have it reupholstered. New springs and

and it's at the shop.

Bower's upholstery? That's right, and the desk is being done, too.

That's funny.

Mr. Bower's on vacation, and his shop is closed.

Oh, well, yes, I didn't want to worry you, Mrs. Brown, but what it was, was

burglars.

It's simply criminal.

Now, why would they take that heavy old desk and couch and leave that brand new

TV set and that floor lamp?

Well, you can't expect burglars to have taste, Laurel.

Yes, I guess you're right.

Well, I'd better notify the police right away.

Oh, here, have some brownies. It'll cheer you up.

Detective Brennan goes to lunch early on Saturday, and I think it's nice to

always give your friends the business.

Don't you, Tim?

Oh, yes.

Oh, these are delicious,

Mrs. Brown.

Thank you, Tim.

All right, okay, all right. Don't tell me, don't tell me. I never should have

mentioned burglars in the first place. Well, I couldn't think of anything else.

Well, I tried to send you a message by mental telepathy, but as usual, your

was busy.

However, I did find... my identity tag.

Oh, that's just beautiful.

Except that I can't see it.

How long will all these things stay invisible?

Well, depending on the molecular distortion, it could be an hour, a day,

month. Oh, that's just great.

And the police are arriving in ten minutes. I can just see myself trying to

explain to Detective Brennan why he smashed his shin on a couch that isn't

there. Right.

Let's get it out of here.

Come on, come on, come on, help me.

I think by making this couch invisible, it became heavier.

Can't you just levitate it down the stairs?

I can't levitate anything unless I can see it.

Oh, okay.

Secular position.

I'm thinking.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, the way you're all stooped over like that, you must have a terrible

on your mind.

Yeah.

Call it heavy thinking.

That means we've been thinking about the burglars. Oh, yes.

Did they lower the couch from the window, or were they able to carry it

this way?

So Tim and I are pretending to carry a...

down the stairs just to see if it's possible.

a roast in the oven, don't you?

Yes. A lamb. Why?

I think that that roast is burning, Mrs. Brown.

Oh, dear.

We've got to get the couch in the garage.

There's no time, Tim. We still have the desk and the table to bring down. Now,

here. Let's drag this against the fence and we'll hope for the best. Oh, good. I

was the best hoper for the best in the ninth grade.

Yes.

Yes. Good thinking.

Morning, O 'Hara.

Morning, Lieutenant.

What's the matter? You two look exhausted.

Oh, well, that's because they've been thinking too hard, trying to puzzle out

this burglary.

What exactly was taken?

Well, a couch, a chair, a table, my desk. Oh, yes.

And my favorite picture.

Picture valuable?

Furniture, antiques? Oh, no, no.

It was from the dime store, and it was just an ordinary green couch and a

desk and a plain old chair.

You mean something like those down there?

Oh, but they've come back.

What do you know?

But they weren't there a moment ago.

Of course they were, Laura Lee.

This is what psychologists call precept bias.

Our thoughts were so concentrated on what we would find up there that we

even think to look down there.

Correct, Mr. O 'Hara?

Lieutenant Brennan, I wouldn't dare set my opinion against... yours.

That's the green couch, all right.

And it's amazing how accurate your theory was, Martin. Look, that's where

tore the fabric with the nail.

But why would they take it in the first place and then bring it back?

I'll tell you why.

I'm operating on the theory the burglars weren't after the furniture. They were

seeking something valuable hidden inside the furniture.

Well, as much as I dislike opposing the views of a representative of law and

order, Mr. Brennan, I must point out that neither Tim nor I possessed

which a burglar might consider valuable.

Yes, yes, that's right, Lieutenant.

So why don't we just forget the whole thing, and if they come back, Uncle

and I will take care of them.

If you don't mind, O 'Hara, I shall do my job as I see fit.

Fine, but...

I don't think my coat will fit you.

Your coat?

My coat, Mr. Brown.

Well, now, isn't that interesting?

Perhaps you can explain this and this and

this. All tools of the jewelry trade.

Perhaps you've been fencing a little on the side of... We never saw those before

in our life, did we, Uncle Morty?

Well, in that case, I shall have to take the coat down to headquarters and check

it out for further clues.

Hello. What's new?

Oh, just a dime.

Loralee, since you're the property owner, I shall need from you a complete

of all missing items.

Uncle Martin, you send that dog tag of yours, gives off an emergency distress

signal?

What does it say?

Help.

We wish to see Detective Lieutenant Brennan, Martin, and Tim O 'Hara.

Official business?

Yes. It's about a coat he's holding for evidence.

Have a seat over there, and I'll call Lieutenant Brennan.

You gentlemen don't recognize me, do you?

No, sir, I'm afraid we don't. I am Gerald Wally, the actor.

That's Gerald Wally, the actor.

An honor, Mr. Wally.

Perhaps you witnessed my performance in King Tut Walks Again.

I was the mummy?

You also appeared in a small production entitled Busting Up Jack's Bar and

Grill. That was a misunderstanding, sir. I was merely celebrating my latest

epic. Here you are, O 'Hara. Apparently it is your coat. Although I wasn't

certain you'd want it, I thought perhaps I ought to turn it back into the

Salvation Mission.

Lieutenant, I demand to know why I'm being detained.

You are being detained until the extent of damages is determined.

Now you sit down there until we can get to you.

Run! Wait!

That coin.

I believe it came out of my pocket.

Come now, O 'Hara. Let's not quibble over a dime.

It's worth ten cents to have your coat guarded by the entire police department.

We are all victims of a police state.

Here, O 'Hara, take it. I had no idea you were in such desperate straits.

Uh, no, thank you very much, Mr. Brennan. Be my guest.

After all, it's only a dime.

Your munificence overwhelms me, O 'Hara.

Let me take the coin out the way it went in.

Too many safety holding devices.

The only way I can get it out is through the change slot.

Oh, that's tricky.

You are going to jimmy a coin box in a police station?

That is the lesser of my worries, Tim.

The emergency distress signal may go off at any minute.

I thought you said that thing only sounded off when your life was in

The disc is only a mechanism.

It has no way of knowing it's inside a cold drink machine.

It calculates that it is me, slowly freezing to death.

How could you be slowly freezing to death when we are in so much hot water?

Will you kindly forego the quips for a moment?

Now, give me all your change.

Now, you get over there and keep the good sergeant distracted.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Do you know what go means?

We're down with oppression.

Look, I have a great idea.

Why don't we just slowly walk out of here and catch the first rocket to Mars?

I don't think that will be necessary.

I have an idea.

I'm going to make Detective Brennan think the voice coming from my coin is

Wally trying out a new role.

What's the matter, Sergeant? Can't you handle your job?

I am a Martian.

I am a Martian. No, no, no, no. Now speak the speech, I pray you, as I

pronounced it to you trippingly on the tongue. Once again.

I am a Martian.

Very good, Mr. Wally. You're perfect for the part. Now try the next line.

I am friendly.

They've gone off their rockers.

Oh, Harold.

This is a police station, not a rehearsal hall.

Why, Mr. Brennan, I was merely trying to be helpful.

I happen to know of a new television series featuring a Martian. Mr. Wally

would be ideal for the part.

I am a Martian.

I am friendly.

Oh, bravo. That was marvelous, Mr. Wally. All right, knock it off.

O 'Hara, you're up to something.

What is it? Sergeant Leffler reports that you've been operating this vending

machine continuously.

Why? Well, perhaps I was very, very thirsty.

Yes, we were all thirsty, especially Mr. Wally. He was rehearsing.

Think of it, O 'Hara.

You were uncommonly disturbed about a dime I put in there.

Or was it a dime?

Was it really something more valuable than a mere dime?

Of course it was a dime.

What else could it have been?

I am a Martian.

I am friendly.

Congratulations, Mr. Wally.

You failed to mention you were also a ventriloquist. And, uh, I might add, a

superb one.

I am not a ventriloquist, sir.

Nor am I a Martian.

But there is a Martian representative among us.

And I have recognized him.

All right, Wally.

Suppose you tell us who is the Martian among us.

He.

I am a Martian.

I know you are, friend. I knew you fellows would come someday.

I didn't think you'd look like this.

I am friendly.

I'm friendly, too.

We're all friendly.

Welcome to Earth.

Remarkable performance.

He's playing both parts at once, and I defy anyone to detect lip movement.

That does it.

I'm ringing the curtain down on this performance as of now.

As for you two, kindly remove yourselves from the premises, or so help me, I'll

find some reason to keep you here indefinitely, behind bars.

Lieutenant, a Martian. Consider what this will do to interplanetary

I am not concerned with interplanetary relations. I am concerned with running a

taut police station.

I had hoped...

That I would not have to go to extremes.

Nobody purchases that money. That money is the sole property of the Vanellas

Association. You tell the tenant, look, a slug. Yes, sir, a slug. Why, that's

cheating the Vanellas Association.

Oh, Harold.

What are you trying to get away with?

Nothing, Mr. Brennan.

As you can see.

Nothing.

I still think you're up to something.

Let me admonish you. In the words of Ben Johnson, they that know no evil will

suspect none.

What a day, Tim.

I never thought I'd get my identity disc back.

How much was Mr. Wally's fine?

$25. We owed him a great deal more than that.

When he tried to shake your hand, he nearly got more than that.

You think that guy's just going to settle the business about the

Well, I hope so.

Since I haven't been able to extract the flex from my finger, I'm trying to

neutralize it by reversing the polarity.

Well, here goes.

I think when you reverse the polarity, you put in too much reverse.

What are we gonna do now?

I don't know what you're talking about, Tim.

Everything looks okay to me.