Original subtitles

Anyway, I said it to her in words of one syllable.

Look, I said, Mrs. Brown, all of the stuff that's in the closets that we've

through that I'm going to contribute to the roaming sale, you will find on the

couch in the living room. Now, how could she possibly misunderstand that? And

you overlooked one small but vital detail.

For all her many good qualities, Loralee has a mind that absorbs information

like a dry sponge.

Well, she had no trouble absorbing our nice new clothes out of the closet.

This is my brand new sport coat. $59 .95 at the Elite Men's Shop last month.

Here's my favorite slacks. And there is my most expensive and good sweater. I'm

afraid you're right, Tim.

We're going to have to do something that will curb Laura Lee's impulsive

generosity.

$25, $26, $27, $28, $29.

$29. 29.

29.

Oh, Martin, am I glad to see you. Oh, Tim, I can use you, too. Yeah, Mrs.

I am only very serious, but I'd like... Hold up your hands. Hold up my hands.

You're silly.

Hold up your fingers.

29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39. I need three more. Three more. Three

more. 39, 40, 41, 42.

42.

Wouldn't it be easier if Mrs. Brown just grew some more fingers?

Incredible.

Appalling.

What's incredible?

Tim, have you paid me the rent for this month?

Oh, uh... Well, I've been meaning to speak to you about that, Mrs. Brown.

You see, I came up a little short this month. Oh, well, that's perfectly all

right, Tim. I just couldn't remember whether you'd paid me or not.

Well, we'll come back later, Laura Lee, unless you have further need of our

fingers. Oh, no.

I think I can manage with the ones I have, thank you.

Bye. Good night, Laura Lee.

That woman has absolutely no conception of balanced economy.

Too generous, lending money, not collecting rent. The question is, do I

moral right to interfere?

Well, yes, I'd say so if... I could do it with the noodle soup.

Tomorrow is Wednesday. Loralee always invites me to lunch on Wednesday and

invariably makes a large kettle of noodle soup.

Oh, well, then there's your answer right there.

All you use is noodle soup.

Oh, hello, Martin. Lunch is almost ready.

Ah, well, I like mine a little more well done, Laura Lee.

Oh, no, silly. This is for Hobart.

Oh, you -hoo!

Hobart, time for lunch, sweetheart.

Now, remember your manners, Hobart. Don't bolt your food.

Isn't that rather extravagant, Laura Lee, feeding prime beefsteak to a dog

doesn't even belong to you?

Well, what else would I do with it? It's too expensive for me to eat.

What did you say?

I am not jealous because you're eating steak and I'm having noodle soup.

Enjoy it while you can. It may be the last steak you'll get from Laura Lee.

Descending to your intellectual level, I can only say, sticks and stones may

break my bones, but names will never hurt me.

Well,

of course I had to send him the money. After all, he is my first cousin by

marriage on my aunt's side of the family.

I realize it's none of my business, Laura Lee, but it seems to me your

takes undue advantage of your generous nature.

Oh, no, they don't, Martin. I never send any of them one single cent until they

come right out and ask for it.

What are you doing?

Oh, I just had the most marvelous idea, Martin. I can save all these noodles and

use them again the next time.

You know the old saying, waste not, want not.

She has got a gun. She's got a shotgun. It's a two -barrel.

Huge. I know. I know.

How perceptive I was that day, I said to Bobby Burns.

The best laid schemes, oh, mice and Martians, gang off a glide.

A bully for Bobby Burns. But what is that?

Mice and Martians?

I gave him permission to alter it for local consumption.

That was very nice of you.

Now, would you mind telling me, what is Mrs. Brown doing downstairs with a

shotgun?

She's guarding her life savings. She no longer trusts the bank.

What did you do with the noodle soup?

Well, there was a, what you might call, slight overcompensation.

How slight?

Well, there again, you might say it's like a question of relativity.

Like, how high is up?

Uncle Martin.

Laura Lee has become an absolute and unmitigated Scrooge.

There's no need for undue alarm, Tim.

I've already taken steps to correct the situation.

I've invited her for dinner this evening.

I'll simply reverse the process by again using the same subliminal agent.

Noodles. Noodles.

However, I am more worried about her having all that money in the house.

If anything happened to it, I'd never forgive myself.

Uh -uh.

What's the matter?

Cat burglar invades Westside.

An elusive cat burglar has successfully looted seven homes in the Westside area

of more than $20 ,000 in cash, furs, and jewelry in the past week.

Uncle Martin, you have a problem. So I'll tell you what.

You worry about the cat burglar.

I'll worry about the noodles.

I was invited.

Why don't you come in, Mrs. Brown?

Let me take that for a minute.

I wish you hadn't done that, Tim.

I wish I hadn't either, Mrs. Brown.

All the money I have in the world is in that bag.

You know, you can't trust anybody with money these days.

Uncle Biden?

Company?

Good evening, Laura Lee.

How chic you look tonight.

Oh, thank you, Martin.

It's just an old thing I've had hanging in the closet for years.

I've hardly worn it at all, and I thought it was about time I got some

of it.

An excellent idea.

At any rate, dinner is served at the moment. May I? Oh, thank you.

Mmm, noodle soup.

Yes, I found a new recipe.

Martin, you shouldn't have gone to all that expense.

Well, I could have rented you my noodles very cheap.

Perhaps next time.

I think I'll just save the rest of mine for later.

Don't worry. It'll get cold.

Oh, no.

Not in this it won't.

You know the old saying.

and I've got enough in my Bowser bag for lunch tomorrow.

Well, good night, boys.

Sorry you had to eat and run.

Eat and... Uh, Mrs.

Brown, you're leaving.

We're not.

Oh, on the contrary, Tim.

You haven't paid the rent, and I have a very firm rule with all my tenants.

If anyone is more than one week in arrears, out they go.

I'm afraid there's nothing I can do, Tim. She's within her rights.

Good night, boys.

I'm awfully sorry, Martin.

Tim, I, uh... Well, I know this is a... terrible thing to do to my dearest

friends, but... Well, I just can't seem to help myself.

Our first concern must be Loralee. We've got to protect her from herself.

Yeah.

But who's going to protect us from herself?

If you must know, I'm testing for inimical brainwave transmission.

Well, I don't know whether I can simplify it enough for your meager

understanding, but I'll try.

Now, Laura Lee has a great deal of money in her house.

There is reportedly a cat burglar operating in the neighborhood.

By emitting certain reflective signals from my brain, I can detect other

brainwaves and identify them as friendly or unfriendly.

Now... will you kindly get lost?

You're interfering with my transmission.

Oh, for the love of Pluto's pups, don't be so sensitive.

I never said I didn't like you.

Well, I did say that, yes.

I don't approve of freeloaders, shaggy or otherwise.

Now, if the shoe fits...

You wear it, pal.

What's

going

on? A policeman is patrolling the neighborhood. Under the circumstances, I

think it would be wise to get involved in any lengthy explanations of why we're

taking the night air at 3 a .m.

Whatever you say.

Anyone know where I can find an all -night laundry?

O 'Hara?

Do you realize you're not only being unfair to the taxpayers of this city,

you're keeping us up all night?

I don't keep... Jackie Smith is here. Hello.

Find out what's wrong with her. You stay put.

Hobart?

Uncle Martin?

I thought you... You couldn't stand the sight of each other.

I had to eat humble pie, Tim.

I forgot the old Martian axiom.

Never willfully make an enemy.

You never know when you may need him for a friend.

Or in this case, for a witness.

Hobart is the only one who got a good, close look at the cat burglar. Oh.

What are you doing here? I want to take a good look at the police mug.

Your friend and benefactor, Detective Smithers, is about to return.

Hold it just one second. What do I do about him?

Well, I can't make him disappear, too. You'll have to keep Detective Smithers

occupied.

No more phone calls.

I've decided to tell the whole story, Detective Smithers. Oh, good, good, very

good. Maybe get this wrapped up in time for lunch. Well, you see, it all started

when I was a child. Oh, yes.

There was this apple tree in our neighbor's yard.

And some of the branches hung over into our yard.

Well, naturally, some of the apples fell on our side of the fence.

Oh, yes.

Yes, that's when it all began.

You see, I ate the apples that fell on our side of the yard.

And before I knew it, I was hooked.

I became an apple addict.

And I had to have more.

And more.

And more.

And let it happen.

And what happened?

What happened?

Where did this mutt come from?

I thought it was a police dog.

Let's get out of here. You're lousing up my schedule.

Hobart says no question. No question about it. Positive identification.

Now all we have to do is to invite him to lunch here.

Lunch here at the police station?

Mm -hmm. Oh, no, don't tell me. I can guess. I have to order noodle soup,

Three bowls full.

Three?

Insist on it. It's your right as a taxpayer.

Harry, you better talk. You're going to waste some more time.

Uh, uh, no, sir. I am, uh, I'm willing to confess right after lunch.

Yeah, well, I confess better on a full stomach.

Calling car 12.

Car 12, code 17.

Proceed to 2727 Carlocks Drive. Assist officer.

Car 28, car 28, code 4.

Proceed to 2040 North Genesee. Bring suspect to station for routine

Report to Detective A .J. Smithers, burglary detail.

Suspect is known as Henry Kipling Black, alias...

Mrs. Brown?

Oh, about the burglary.

You want me to come down to the police station now?

Well, I suppose I could, except it's almost lunchtime.

Oh, you'll finish the lunch.

Free?

Oh, well, in that case, I'll be right down.

I asked for noodle soup.

And I told you they didn't have noodle soup.

But, uh...

Clam chowder?

I've already got you pegged as a time waster. Do I have to put you down as a

troublemaker?

No, sir. You don't understand.

It doesn't work with clam chowder. O 'Hara, you demanded three bowls of soup.

And you got three bowls of soup.

One, two, and three. Now eat and confess.

All right, all right. Come on now.

Get in there. All right, leave. Go on. All right.

Here's that guy Smitty you wanted picked up, Henry Kipling Black.

What'd I do? What'd I do?

What, what, what?

I never done nothing. What'd I do?

I'll tell you what you did. You stole Mrs. Brown's life savings. That's what

did. Oh, me?

Yeah. Mrs. Brown says you invite her to lunch. Wait a minute. I didn't order

anybody picked up, and I didn't invite anybody for lunch. What are you talking

about?

That's Tim's Uncle Martin. He's the other crook.

Hello, Martin.

Good afternoon, Laura Lee.

You are Martin O 'Hara?

That is correct. I understand you have an all -points bulletin out for my

apprehension. Oh, you can bet your sweet potato whistle I do.

Put the cuffs on that character and let me find out what's going on here.

What about my free lunch?

This is a police station, not a free lunch counter.

What? You don't expect me to pay for it. I went to considerable expense to come

down here to get it for nothing.

Excuse me.

Gentlemen.

What are you two clowns trying to do? Spoil the image?

You see, Smitty, I don't know what happened.

The head comes out and all of a sudden me and Fred were put together.

Oh, thank you, Martin.

That's not noodle soup.

That's clam chowder.

I know. I was standing just outside the door when they delivered it.

Here.

Thanks, mister.

I ain't...

As

long as I ain't going anywheres anyway.

I call using the old noodle.

Allow me to congratulate you, Tim, on an excellent story about the cat burglar's

confessing. Well, thank you, Uncle Martin.

Hey, how about that?

Byline and everything.

Hey, listen, we better hurry, huh? We don't want to keep Mrs. Brown on my date

waiting. Oh, quite sure.

You know, it'll be a pleasure to dine with Laura Lee again, especially now

she's her old self.

Oh, Uncle Martin, by the way, about my date tonight.

Well, lately she's been sort of, um, distant, you see. So I thought maybe

tonight you might rearrange your noodles for me.

Oh, of course, Tim. I shall be delighted.

You're just a great guy.

You realize, of course, that if the scheme should go agly this time, that

could end up married.

Right? Married.

Uh, Uncle Martin, uh, forget...

Forget the noodles.