Original subtitles

Now, let's see you get out of that. And if you can, you are Houdini.

Checkmate.

Tim, do you realize that you have fallen for that same trap 27 times now? Well,

that's just great.

Not only do you beat me, you also keep box score.

Well, I think I will go drown my human frailties in a glass of chocolate milk.

Good morning, Martin.

I wonder if you'd do me a favor.

Dear lady, if there is a loose, monstrous, fire -breathing dragon you

slay, I'll get right into my shining arm.

Well, maybe some other time, but right now I wonder if you could just fix my

television set.

Every time I turn it on, I get nothing but sleet. I believe the term is snow.

Well, sleet or snow, it has no business on a set in California.

Would you have time to fix it now?

Certainly.

Gesundheit. Thank you.

Well, aren't you coming?

Coming?

Where? Downstairs to fix my TV set.

Why? Is there something wrong with it?

Oh, Martin, you're such a tease.

Tim, stop playing those childish pranks.

He's practicing a magic act for his office party.

Oh, Tim, I'll simply burst with curiosity if you don't tell me how it's

Oh, yeah, well, ask him. It's his trick.

I hate to take the mystery out of it, Laura Lee, but actually they're

from the ceiling by an invisible thread.

Doggone.

Now, Tim, we can trust Laura Lee to keep a secret.

I'm sure she wouldn't want us expelled from the amateur magician society.

Mum's the word.

Coming, Martin?

You go ahead. I'll be right down.

Uncle Martin, why can't you just eat grapes out of your hand like everybody

does? How could you have pulled such a goof?

Must you use colloquialisms?

I prefer to think of it as a momentary aberration of the kinetocephalic

processes that resulted in an unfortunate manifestation.

Oh, like I said, a goof.

Fortunately, there's no damage done.

Laura Lee fell for our little fable, Hook, Line, and Invisible Thread. And

liable to mention it to her snoopy detective friend, Brennan, and he's

not to be as gullible as she is.

She's not going to mention it to him or anyone else. I'll erase the entire

episode from her memory.

I don't like to use my electromagnetic brain -clearing machine promiscuously.

But discretion is the better part of valor.

Well, that's not the brain eraser you used before.

Well, it's an all -transistor pocket -sized model that I've developed.

I'm quite proud of it.

Don't point that thing at me. I have a few warm, star -studded memories that I

would like to keep.

that's becoming much more intricate. It took me almost two and a half minutes to

fix it. Of course, I did lose 30 seconds while the tubes were on. Did you erase

the grape paper from her mind? I'm proud of my marksmanship.

Laura Lee kept moving around so much I had to ricochet the electronic beam off

the wall.

A perfect carom shot.

You're going to think this is silly, but I left my brain -clearing device

downstairs. Oh, I wouldn't say silly is the word.

How about suicidal or catastrophic?

Or by the time you think of another synonym, I'll be back.

No, just where I left.

What'd I tell you? It was right where I left it. Right on top of Mrs. Brown's TV

set. Uncle Martin, you're going to put gray hairs in my Bonnie Brown thatch.

By the way, what happened to your toolbox?

Oh, Gesundheit.

Don't tell me you left your toolbox downstairs.

Did I have it with me? Oh, no. With all those weird tools in it. It's got

doohickeys that turn screws from across the room and thingamajigs that

disintegrate metal and gizmos that... Jim, you don't have to finish the

inventory or remind me of the gravity of the situation.

I'll be right back. Oh, no, no. You're not going anywhere without me. I know

you're a little too old for a babysitter, so I will just go along as

Tim,

I assure you, my mind is as clear as a bell. Uh -huh.

Oh, Tim.

Martin, are you here again?

Achoo!

Gesundheit.

Well, Mrs. Brown, I'm sure your set will work fine now.

Goodbye.

She's been kidding around like that all day, Mrs. Brown. Uncle Martin, I'm sure

that Mrs. Brown doesn't have time to listen to you rehearse your absent

professor bit that you're going to do at the office party.

What office party?

She's been kidding around like that all day long. You see, I'm afraid he's

taking his role so seriously that he forgot and left his toolbox down here.

Well, as a matter of fact, he did.

It's right on top of the TV. Come on in.

Brennan just dropped by. I was going to ask him to bring it up to you. Well, if

it isn't the Wizard of Menlo Park and his caddy.

Forgive me for peeking, but I've always wanted to see what kind of tools a

genius worked with.

I'll take that if you don't mind.

Now, here's an interesting piece of equipment.

Built any good cyclotrons with it lately?

You're using it the wrong way, old man.

It happens to be a left -handed screwdriver.

Come on, Uncle Martin. Let's not waste time on an amateur.

Uncle Martin, we have to find out what is causing this absent -mindedness.

Because if we don't, you are bound to give yourself away.

Tim, I'm quite as worried about it as you are.

If this keeps up, I might as well take out an ad saying, I'm a Martian.

Gesundheit. If you do, don't forget my newspaper, because there's a blonde down

in Classified I'm trying to impress.

think I've got something. Only I'm not quite sure what I've got. Now look,

time you have a lapse of memory, it's come right after you sneezed.

But it can't be.

It isn't due for three months yet. What isn't? Let's see.

N squared to the omicron power over beta times 365 days a year.

How could I have been so careless?

Last time I calculated, I forgot to take into account your Earth leap years.

That explains everything.

It certainly does.

Now, if you'll just let me know what we're talking about.

The reason for my absent -mindedness.

Today is Sneezophobia Day, the beginning of the Sneezophobia Week.

Sneezophobia Day?

Sneezophobia Week? Yeah, yeah. It's a period on Mars very similar to your hay

fever season, except that it only occurs once every 300 years, when Alpha

Centauri is in juxtaposition to Cassiopeia.

But I don't get it.

What does sneezing have to do with forgetting?

Ordinarily, nothing.

But during the sneezophobic season, each respiratory spasm creates a drain on

the memory bank, which results in a temporary lapse of recall.

Say, that sneezophobia is nothing to sneeze at.

Well, let's not get panicky. Look, you climb into bed and stay there till

out of danger. Now, we'll seal off the door, we'll disconnect the phone. That

won't be necessary.

Fortunately, there's a simple remedy that Mother used to give us every time

Alpha came within a thousand light years of Cass.

Let's see.

She used to take some baking soda and a pinch of mustard.

Are you sure that this stuff will cure you?

Positive. As a matter of fact, Mother once thought of putting it on the

But it didn't seem worthwhile for a disease that came only once every 300

Now, let's see. That seemed to be one other ingredient.

What? I recall it was something rare. Mother used to get it at a chemist's

Let's see, what was it? It was... Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, I just thought of it. It was... Gesundheit.

Well, what was it?

What was what?

Oh, Tim.

That sneeze blew it right out of my head.

Here's the diary of my stay on Earth and the log of my trip from Mars. Oh, good.

Well, I'll help you pack all this stuff into your spaceship.

And then we can stash all of this Martian stuff until you get over

is you've got.

Hello?

Oh, come on, Mr. Burns. It's my day off.

Oh, well, since you put it that way, how can I refuse?

Yes, don't worry. I'll be there when this plane arrives.

Bye -bye.

Someday, he's going to put it that way once too often, and then I'm going to

give him two weeks' notice. An assignment?

Mm -hmm.

It's some political big shot passing through town just long enough to

the smog with a cigar smoke.

Well, he drops a few clichés about honesty in government.

Look, you sit tight, and I'll be back as soon as I can. Tim, now that I know

what's wrong with me, I'm perfectly capable of hiding these things myself.

Mm -hmm.

But suppose you sneeze and then forget where you hid them. I assure you that

won't happen.

But if it'll make you feel better... I'll take along a clothespin to clamp on

nose if I feel a sneeze coming on.

You do seem to be much better now.

All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll grab a bus and you take the car.

Oh, yeah.

What's that?

This is your name in a dress, just in case you have a lapse and forget who you

are.

For some reason or another, I have grown accustomed to your face.

Everybody in the neighborhood a headache.

What are you doing in there, anyway?

Oh, well, I was making a hobby horse for one of the children down the block.

A hobby horse, huh? Say, I've always wondered how you get those rockers to

on.

I'm going to sue you.

noises coming from the garage.

You know, it was like somebody was banging and sawing wood.

Oh, well, maybe the termites have gone in for automation.

Oh, well.

Say, Tres Charmant, big evening.

Thank you.

Yes, I'm going over to Mr. Brennan's house for cocktails, and then he's

me out for dinner.

Oh, bon appetit. That blows my French.

Oh, Tim, I wonder if you'd know.

Mr. Brennan and I were having an argument about who wrote a poem that

Once upon a something something, as I pondered, something something.

Yeah, well, I don't think that Edgar Allan Poe exactly expressed it that way,

but you're close.

Edgar Allan Poe, that's exactly what I said.

Oh, Tim, may I borrow it? No.

Oh, come on.

Oh, well, Mr. Brennan would be surprised to find out I know something.

Uncle Martin, where have you been?

Oh, I came back hours ago, and I went out for a walk. Well, thank goodness. I

was about to call the Bureau of Missing Martians. Now, you didn't have any

trouble? None at all. Just one little sneeze that made me forget who I was and

where I lived. Your identification tag came in very handy.

Now, about hiding your spaceship and all that stuff, have you got anything to

report? You're not very subtle. I see you think I don't remember where I hid

them. Well, I do. I hid them most securely in... Oh, no.

I hid them most securely in...

Oh, tamper.

I've forgotten where I did hide them. You couldn't. Now, now, now, keep calm.

anticipated something like this might happen.

So I took the precaution of making a memo with my special effects on it and

precise location where I hid them. Uh -huh. And now you can't remember where

hid the memo. Not at all. It's in a book right on that shelf. Uh -huh.

Uncle Martin, which book?

The Selected Poetry and Prose of Edgar Allan Poe.

Where is it?

I think maybe you had better sit down.

No, on second thought, I think we'd both better sit down.

How could you give a book with the location of my spaceship

in it to Detective Brennan? I didn't give it to Detective Brennan. I gave it

Mrs. Brown, and she is giving it to him. Well, there may be a philosophic

distinction, but the effect is just as grim. If he finds out I'm a Martian,

be a... Cooked goose.

Your choice of words is inelegant, but depressingly graphic.

Even under the impression that I'm a fellow human, he doesn't exactly worship

the ground I walk on. Well, come on, Uncle Martin, let's not give up so

Look, if you could just remember where you hid your spaceship, we could move it

before Brennan gets to it. How about the sneezophobia antidote? You still can't

remember the missing ingredient?

Come on.

Come on, Uncle Martin.

You can do it.

to come back to me.

The ingredient is...

Achoo!

You've forgotten.

Forgotten what?

I'm afraid I have.

Uncle Martin, you've got to do something. Mrs. Brown could be down

a noose around your neck right now.

Did you say she was meeting him at his house for cocktails?

Yes, why?

They say two's company and three's a crowd.

But I've never heard anybody mention anything about four.

Care for another canopy, Loralee? Now, Mr. Brennan, if you think you're going

get out of buying me dinner... Oh, oh, Mr. Brennan.

Bill. Oh, Bill.

Do you remember the poem we were talking about the other night? You know, the

one that starts, uh, once upon a, uh, something, something... Oh, of course.

Percy Bysshe Shelley.

Uh, uh, uh, Edgar Allan Poe.

Are you sure?

I know.

It's somewhere in this book.

He's got the book. We've got to do something fast.

I've got it all figured out. I'll make myself invisible, stroll into the living

room, and voila.

What are you talking?

Oh, just one thing.

I seem to have forgotten the technique of making oneself invisible.

Oh, you're kidding.

It's easy. Look, all you have to do is this. Raise your antennas like this.

Am I invisible?

Brace yourself.

No. Why don't you put those things back in your sockets? Looks like two pieces

of soggy spaghetti.

Look, why don't we just try something simple?

You could levitate the book out.

You do remember how to do that, don't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Watch it, will you? All right, you've got the speed.

I must see exercisable control.

Martin, can't you find a better place to read than in Brennan's garage?

It'll just take a second.

Shoot!

Tim, I know this is written in Martian, but I seem to have forgotten how to read

Martian. Oh, that's just great.

Now, what else can you forget?

Nothing, but I just remembered something I wish I could forget.

I'm afraid I left the anti -gravitator on in my spaceship.

In exactly three minutes, it will build up enough thermal energy to lift the

ship and all its contents straight up into the air.

Well... That's all we need. An unidentified flying object messing up

all the Air Force radar screens.

I shudder to think what would happen if they shoot it down and find my diary.

Unfortunately, I wrote that in English with my name and address in it. Well,

let's not give up. We've still got a few minutes. Come on, concentrate.

Now, where did you hide the things?

It's no use.

Now I can't even remember packing them or what I packed them in.

Well, we might as well go home and worry in comfort. It's getting sort of damp

in here.

Tim.

Water.

H2O, that's it. What?

Are you, uh, you sure you're not cracking up? What's what? The missing

ingredient in Mother's formula.

Why, it can't be. You said it was something rare that your mother bought

chemist shop.

Tim, water is rare on Mars.

People have been known to pay a thousand umlauts for half a gilko, which, as you

know, is hardly enough to fill an eyedropper.

You'll never believe where my spaceship is.

Right here in Detective Brennan's garage.

Oh, now come on. Why would you hide it here of all places?

Remember Edgar Allan Poe's purloined letter?

Well, vaguely. Mr. Poe said that if you don't want somebody to find something,

you just hide it under his nose.

Exactly. But as it wasn't practical to hide a spaceship under Brennan's nose, I

decided to use his garage instead.

Oh. Well,

if it's here, I, uh... I don't see it. Well, now that I know what I'm looking

for, I do.

Oh? Oh, the box.

The box?

Are you sure? I mean, how can you get that spaceship into that box? Very

I dismantled it into geometric segments, each of which fits into the other like

a Chinese puzzle. Yeah, well, quickly, you better hurry up and deactivate this

thing before it takes off her compass throttle.

Too much noise opening it.

Come on, let's get it out to the car.

We can work on it on the way home.

I still can't see how that book could disappear.

Oh, Laurel, books don't fly out of windows. You probably misplaced it

while I was chasing that blasted car.

I'll just slip in.

Well, all right.

Wouldn't you know it, I'll have to stop for gas. Oh, that's too bad. We're late

for our reservation now.

Oh, see, why don't we use my car? It's right outside.

Well, if you're sure you wouldn't mind. Oh, no.

I'll just back it into the garage.

You've got to stop him from coming in here.

Don't worry. I will.

Oh, no.

I thought your mother's home remedy cured your sneezophobia.

Relax, Tim. I must have caught a slight cold in Brennan's damn garage last

night. You sure?

Of course. It's just a simple Martian cold. Now, go ahead. Go ahead. Never

worrying about the cold. Go ahead. Move.

Where did all this food come from?

It's a perfectly natural phenomenon that accompanies a Martian cold.

It is?

An advanced Martian medical technique based upon one of your primitive earthly

axioms. Starve a fever and feed a cold.

Well.

Have a bite? Thank you.