Original subtitles

I lost my true lover in courtin' too slow.

For courtin's a pleasure and partin' is

grief.

And a false -hearted lover...

I lost four bars of the chorus.

I'm sorry, Alvin Martin. I didn't see you sitting there.

I'm afraid I'm a little upset. I just got stood up by my date.

Well, in that case, your irritation is understandable.

My sympathies.

Was that folk music you were just listening to?

Mm -hmm.

I didn't know you liked folk music.

Oh, well, it's part of my research into your social patterns.

And he was rather good.

The Brothers Four Minus Three.

The Brothers Four Minus Three?

Why does he call himself that?

You're asking me?

These are your Earth people.

When it comes to Earth creatures, my field is anthropology, not psychiatry.

However, I'll be able to add him to my collection in another recording session.

Uh, I don't see any equipment.

Naturally. My skull blocks the view.

In your head?

Yes.

You have a recording machine?

Mm -hmm.

Tim, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The process is all mental.

My brain contains silicon wafers. They absorb auditory impulses and store them

up for future playback.

Sure. Just like the memory bank of an electronic computer.

I don't believe it.

My library of earth music is rather complete.

I've been recording it for a couple of hundred years.

Can you do playback any time you want to?

Mm -hmm.

We will rally from the hills.

I will gather from the plains.

Scouting the battle cry of freedom.

But that's just an old Civil War song.

Exactly. And that's the man who first sang it.

General Ulysses S. Grant.

Your looks had nothing to do with your being stood up.

If she's a worthwhile girl, she probably had a better reason.

Worthwhile? Della's dignified, and yet she's vivacious.

Well, yeah, she's intellectual, but she's hip.

Cool?

Is she cool? And yet she still has that little schoolgirl kind of charm.

Naturally. She has a split personality, like you.

Why not try her again?

Pride, I guess.

Nonsense. I'm sure that if you went down to her coffeehouse... How did you know

she had a coffeehouse?

A little bird told.

Bird? Bird. The one that makes its nest in your mind.

Well, I suppose you're right.

I guess I should give her another chance, but... Hey.

Hey, Uncle Martin, I've got a great idea. Why don't you go down with me? And

that way she'll think I'm bringing you along just to listen to the

entertainment.

Well, if you think that I could be of some help... And who knows? I may add

new fragment of vulgar earth noise to my collection.

Vulgar earth noise?

Well, what else can you call it? Music?

Why do you always pick on earth? I mean, I don't pick on Mars.

Well, how can you? You know nothing about us.

Well, perhaps I am being too disparaging of your rather primitive melodies.

But that's because I prefer Martian music.

I have never heard a Martian song.

Then you're in for a treat.

Oh?

Wasn't that beautiful?

You earthlings. You simply do not appreciate culture.

No, no, no. I'm glad you sang your song.

Really? Yes, now I know something about Mars that I can criticize.

And there I took her.

I stood you up, but honestly, it's just been panic time all day.

Well, think nothing of it. Actually, I brought my Uncle Martin down here to

the music.

Yeah. Oh, Della Darwell. This is my Uncle Martin.

Hi. How do you do? Now, look, Tim, please try to understand. You see, they

off my gas and electricity, so I had to call them up and talk them into turning

it on. And then the next thing, I've been arguing all day with my restaurant

supply about stopping delivery, and now the landlord's hounding me for the rent.

Gee, I'm really sorry to hear that, Della. Well, with this kind of success,

even bother to stay open?

Well, I'm hoping that eventually I can make enough of a go of it to kind of

me in school.

School?

UCLA. I'm going for my master's degree.

But if I don't do any better than I'm doing now, I'll never make it.

Oh, miss?

Uh,

could we have a couple of cappuccinos and two hero sandwiches?

Oh, you see what happens as soon as we come in?

Business picks up.

Well, just keep on eating. I need the money.

See you later.

I met her on the mountain and stabbed her.

Cappuccino, why?

Cappuccino, what's that?

Well, it's an Italian coffee. It's espresso with a little bit of cinnamon.

Tim, how could you?

It distorts my metabolism.

My silicon wafers lose their electrical charge.

I didn't know.

What's happening?

I record a playback.

I can't control it.

Oh, love, oh, love, my careless,

careless love. Look and see what...

Wonderful. Look at all the people.

Yeah. Where did he leave?

Oh, well, he's very shy.

Shy? Uh -huh.

Oh, but, you know, if I only had him here, then all my troubles would be

Tim, do you think that maybe you could get him to come back tomorrow night?

Here?

Uh, yes.

Oh, uh, he, uh, you mean to sing?

Well, of course. I mean, he's the greatest new sound in folk music. Oh,

don't... Oh, Tim, please.

Well, I don't... Please, Tim.

I don't really think I... Please, Tim.

Oh, good, good.

Well, I... I suppose I couldn't try to use my influence.

Oh, good morning, Tim. Morning.

Sorry I wasn't awake last night when you got in, but I had to sleep off that

small dose of cinnamon.

I'm really sorry about that, Uncle Mike. Well, it's not your fault. You couldn't

know.

Boy, I must say that you were really great last night, though. I mean really

great. Naturally.

My playback gives it a richer tone.

My recorder has extremely high fidelity, higher than any equipment known on

Earth.

See, I, uh... I don't suppose that you'd consider, uh...

working a couple of nights, would you?

Tim, I'm surprised at you. You know the risk being exposed as a Martian. With

the mentality of your people, either they'd start jumping off buildings in

or they'd put me on an exhibit in a circus sideshow.

The office is just a little neighborhood joint. I mean, it's dark in there and

nobody's going to notice you. And besides... I know, I know. She needs the

business to stay in school.

A laudable ambition, but not my responsibility.

Well, you've got some responsibility.

To me.

True. But you're merely using me to ingratiate yourself with her. And for

purpose? Her gratitude would be merely an ego satisfaction for you.

Well, it's my ego. I mean, who has a better right to give it satisfaction?

And besides, Della's not just any girl.

She's, uh... Well, I feel differently about her.

I appreciate your sincere feelings about the young lady, Tim.

However, my desire to avoid the limelight... should be completely

understandable.

Well, that's gratitude for you.

I mean, when you had no place to go, who took you in? And whenever you got into

difficulty, who helped you out?

Well, that's the trouble with our friendship.

It's in and out.

Well, perhaps I have been unnecessarily cautious.

Very well, Tim.

I'll sing at Della's if you want.

You will?

Oh, gee, that's great.

Thanks, Uncle Martin.

I mean, if you don't mind, if you're sure you don't mind doing it. No, no,

want to, for the sake of friendship.

Oh, well, that's great. Thanks again. But, well, Uncle Martin, I wouldn't want

to take advantage of our friendship.

I insist.

But I insist you don't if you'd rather you didn't. Tim, it's my decision.

I'll show you what a friend I am.

Well, no, I won't let you do it. I'm just as good a friend as you are.

Don't order me around, friend.

Oh, tell me what to do, friend.

Maybe we kids better grow up.

We'll get the slots out of our playpen.

Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care.

Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care. Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care. My

master's gone away.

They laid him under a simmon tree.

His epitaph is there to see.

Beneath this stone I'm forced to lie.

A victim of the blue -tailed fly.

Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care.

Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care.

Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care.

My master's gone.

What was that?

Oh, hello, Tim.

What was that?

A thunderous applause I received last night. I recorded it.

It's such bliss to hear it again.

Professional photographs?

I ordered a thousand to begin with.

My public is begging for autographed pictures.

Look,

Uncle Martin, would you please just stop that for one second? I'd like to talk

to you. Go right ahead, Tim.

We Martians are quite capable of doing more than one thing at a time.

Uncle Martin, you've got a problem.

I know.

Will you just listen?

You could start a fan club.

Write up some good reviews of my act.

Promote a record album for me.

Uncle Martin sings Beethoven.

Country music style.

What happened to you?

The inevitable.

I'm a star.

Tim, you haven't said two words all evening.

I'm sorry, Dilla. I got something on my mind.

Well, maybe this will cheer you up. Your uncle's giving a special concert.

A special concert? Yes, tomorrow night.

I've gone all out. I've got all these big ads and I've had the place already

done. I've sunk every dime I have into it. Yeah, well, I'll see you, hon.

Well, what's your rush? The concert is until tomorrow night. Yeah, well, I have

something special that I have to do. You see, I have to make Uncle Martin's

breakfast. Oh, you prepare his breakfast the night before? Well, this is a very

special kind of breakfast.

Hey, you know the old expression, the way to a man's heart is through his

stomach? Yes, yes, I know it, but the advice is useless.

It never told me how to open his mouth.

Well, I, uh, I know how.

With Uncle Martin.

You do?

I, uh, I just discovered his favorite food. Why, it'll speed you to his heart

like you were on a freeway.

Oh, move over. I want to get in the fast lane.

Well, it's a, um, it's a special recipe.

Toasted Italian garlic bread.

With lots of cinnamon.

You traitor!

Now my recorder is completely jammed.

I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, yes, you do. I can see it in your

mind. That toast was loaded with cinnamon. The garlic concealed it.

Well, now, in just one second, you ought to be proud of yourself. Some of your

superior intellect rubbed off on me.

Proud? Mm -hmm. This is the worst treachery since Socrates drank that

highball.

All I was trying to do is protect you from yourself.

From myself?

That's right.

And now your ego has not only threatened your safety, it's going to bankrupt an

innocent girl.

What are you talking about?

Della went into hot for advertising, extra help, decorations, and now all the

advance ticket money is going to have to be returned.

And you're blaming me for that?

Who else?

You were the one who had to be saved, even at her expense.

You mean that lovely young lady is being sacrificed to protect me?

Yeah.

Tim, I'm terribly ashamed.

Forgive me for acting like such an idiotic, pardon the expression,

Well, I guess I'm sort of responsible, too.

After all, I was the one that talked you into all this in the first place.

Thank you, Tim, for trying to relieve me of some of my guilt.

We must find a way to right this terrible wrong.

How badly is your recorder damaged?

My silicon wafers get their energy from internal secretions of adrenaline.

I need a massive dose of natural adrenaline to recharge.

Well, if a Martian's adrenaline glands get stimulated the same way as a human's

by emotional disturbance, all I have to do is, you know, get you excited or

angry. I'm afraid it's not that simple, Tim.

We Martians are not as easily disturbed as humans.

At least, not by things that happen on Earth.

There must be something else you can do.

There's one other way.

subject me to an enormous shockwave from a light beam of cold heat.

A light beam of cold heat?

I never heard of such a thing. The method of producing it exists only on

Wait.

You've got it here, too.

You call it the laser.

You mean that beam of light that bounced off the moon and back in two and a half

seconds? That's the one.

Concentrated light.

A pencil -thin beam over vast distances.

Your scientists finally figured out how to do it. Yeah.

Yeah, it's been in the papers. They, uh...

They also call it the death ray.

Yes, it can make anything in its path vanish.

But it has other uses.

Delicate surgery, radar, long -distance communication.

It depends on the concentration.

Well, where do we get such a gadget?

I'll make it. It's simple.

Laser comes from the initial letters of the words light amplifications by

stimulated emission of radiation.

That's simple?

I just need a ruby rod about four inches long. Any jewelry supply house stocks

it. Polish the ends to act like internal mirrors, wrap a coiled bulb around it,

and mount it in a slide projector, and away we go.

Now, aim it at my head and switch it on.

Well, how does it work? The flash from the coil stimulates red rays from the

ruby. The red rays bounce back and forth inside. A chain reaction builds up.

In a few seconds, the laser beam bursts out.

Tim,

answer the phone.

The phone.

Oh!

Oh, hello, Miss Brown.

Mr. Brown.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry, Mr. Brown. He's busy.

What happened?

It's set too high.

There's no time to adjust it. Continue.

But won't the beam do the same thing to your head?

No, no, no.

I set up brainwave frequencies to neutralize the destructive element. But

careful.

Yeah.

Yes, yes, I'll see you later, Mrs. Brown.

Hurry up, Tim, hurry up. Dilla will be here soon to pick me up.

Well, the beam hit your head.

It didn't stay on long enough.

I need a bigger jolt.

That was close.

Tim.

I'm sorry, Uncle Martin. That just made me a nervous wreck.

Well, then sit down.

Yeah, okay.

Where? Don't worry about the furniture. It was cheap. We can replace it easily.

Uncle Martin.

I just dropped by to give you a lift.

Della. Wait in the car, please.

I can't go with her now.

Well, it's too late. You can't stall her like you did Mrs. Brown. She'll get

suspicious. Look, maybe you'll think of something on the way.

Well, that's exactly what Marie Antoinette said on the way to the

Well,

it's no use. You were supposed to go on five minutes ago.

I guess we're lit.

Yeah.

Aren't those my socks you're wearing?

Oh, yeah. Why?

You're always borrowing my things. My shirts, my ties, my sweaters. I've told

you a thousand times not to go through my dresser. Well, don't get sore about

it. This is the last straw.

I'm getting sick and tired of your flagrant disregard of my personal

Hey, come on, Uncle Martin. Take it easy.

Take it easy?

Those are hand -knit socks.

You're always wearing holes in them. You've got an insufferable nerve, nerve,

nerve.

Your face is getting red.

The car wheel's moving. Little children, get on board.

Little children, get on board.

Little children, there's room for many more.

I hear the bell and whistle coming around the curve.

She's blowing all her steam out and straining every nerve.

Well,

I just drove Della back from the insurance adjuster. They're going to pay

her insurance bottles. Looks like she'll be able to get the place all fixed up

and probably have a few bucks left over. Well, I'm delighted.

I'm also through recording folk music.

From now on, I'll just continue recording political speeches.

Political speeches?

That disturbs you?

Well, suppose something went wrong with your recorder.

You'd be the first Martian in the White House.

An interesting thought.