Original subtitles

I thought you were covering the concert in the park tonight.

I was covering it, which is more than I can say for the umbrellas you can rent

out there. It was cold on account of wet customers.

Then you'll be here this evening.

Well, yes, unless I'm busting up the secret meeting of a hobby club or

something.

Nothing like that. Say, Uncle Martin, has something been bothering you lately?

mean, you haven't been yourself for the last three days, and...

Well, now I see you working on this contraption, and I... Hey!

Hey, that's my corn popper!

It was your corn popper.

With a few typically adroit adjustments, I've converted it to a neurocerebral

stimulator. Oh, a neuro... What?

I might as well tell you the whole story, Tim.

Although I was hoping to make my decision first.

Decision?

About what?

It's this.

Oh, that.

Why? Do you want to tuck a letter away in the nose cone?

For more than that.

I checked that rocket out, and it's a dandy, Tim.

And what's more, there's room for me.

Well, then you'll be going home.

That's the trouble, Tim. I can't decide.

One part of me says, go home.

Your family misses you. Your friends miss you. And you miss them.

And the second part of me says, don't go. Stay.

You have family here.

Family? Yes, Tim, you.

In the short time that I've been here, I've grown to look on you as a nephew.

And the third part is sort of caught in the middle, undecided. Hey, why don't

you give me a vote?

I say stay.

Thanks, Tim.

But we Martians have to solve our own inner conflicts.

And that's what this is for, this neuro -cerebral stimulator. It's going to help

me make up my mind, Uncle Martin.

Please, I get the feeling that if anything goes wrong, you are going to

with a head full of popcorn.

Now, I've got this feeling that I want to go, and I've also got the feeling

I want to stay.

Thank you, Jimmy Durante.

right, Uncle Marty?

Yes.

No.

Well, I don't know.

Uncle Martin?

What happened?

I guess that lightning gave me a little too much of a charge.

Don't be alarmed, Tim. Just a minute.

You should be alarmed, shouldn't he?

Well, I... I just don't know. But I'll tell you one thing.

I'm terribly undecided.

We're quite all right.

You're split into three, and you're quite all right, you say?

Actually, this is done quite often on Mars.

A person with an inner conflict can split himself up and discuss the problem

with himself in a civilized way.

Oh, well, that's just great for Mars, but it's going to be pretty tough to

explain down here.

I mean, what do I tell Mrs. Brown?

Well, Mrs. Brown, a funny thing happened while we were popping corn.

Don't get upset, Kim.

The rocket doesn't leave until tomorrow afternoon. And by that time, we'll be

agreed and, uh, foop.

Oh, you mean that if the three of you agree, then, um, freep.

That's right.

Oh, that's wonderful. Then what are we waiting for? Um, let's see. A subject.

Um, Mrs. Brown's chocolate brownies. Now, all of you who love them, raise

voices. I love them. I hate them.

Well, I can take them or leave them.

Now, look.

Let's see. How do you feel about democracy, huh? All in favor.

Tim, it's not quite that simple.

We're split over whether to take that rocket tomorrow.

That's what we have to agree on. And it shouldn't be too hard.

It's obvious to anybody with one -third of a brain like me that we ought to go.

Well, this third of a brain is staying right here.

How do you vote?

I can't make up my mind.

What do you say we sleep on it, huh?

Sleep on it?

Oh, come on, fellas. You're not trying.

Oh.

I don't think we should go.

Well, the way it looks now, the only way you're going to get to Mars is on the

group plan.

This Uncle Martin went to market.

And this Uncle Martin stayed home.

And this Uncle Martin had roast beef.

And that's all the Uncle Martins there are.

And that's plenty.

Now, come on, Uncle Martin.

More

coffee,

Uncle Martin?

Yes. Thank you, Tim.

Ready?

More tea, Uncle Martin?

No.

More milk, Uncle Martin? Well, I don't know.

No milk?

I'm beginning to feel like an airline steward.

Well, I trust you all had a nice, pleasant sleep last night? Just fine.

Not me.

Why shouldn't you have? You snore on the sofa, and you snore on the chair, but

I... I couldn't make up my mind whether to sleep or not. Well,

that's what you get when you draw straws with yourself.

You can't win.

I'm going to miss this sense of humor when we get back on Mars.

That is, if we get back to Mars.

Now, now, if we're going to resume the argument, couldn't we wait till after

breakfast?

I'm ready to discuss the issue now.

I'm finished.

Excuse me, Tim.

What happened?

Butterfinger.

What's happening?

Apparently, when we split physically, our powers split in direct proportion.

Well, then... Then none of you have your full powers.

Obviously.

Well, we might as well clear up this mess.

Oh, dear, Martin.

It's me, Mrs. Brown.

You were saying something about clearing up a mess. Well, which one did you have

in mind?

I'll be right there, Mrs. Brown.

I need help. I'm in trouble.

She's in trouble. Hey, two of you fellows run up the old antennas and

and you've got one, and I haven't got any.

Oh, that's great. Well, I'll just introduce you as the original in two

copies.

Get out of sight.

Come on in, Mrs. Brown.

Oh, good morning.

Oh, Martin, you're just the one I want to see.

Which one are you?

Oh, you're that one.

I am? Are you?

My car won't start, and you're such a genius, I was wondering if you'd have a

look at it. Oh, why don't you let me do that, Mrs. Brown? Because, you see,

Uncle Martin isn't, uh...

Feeling his complete self today.

I feel fine.

And I'd be delighted to take a look at it.

I suppose.

Oh, good.

It's probably just a little trouble with the whatchamacallit or the thingamajig.

It's right in the driveway.

You are a great one to volunteer. How are you going to fix her car when you

can't even make up your own mind?

I guess you're right. I hope, maybe.

How are you doing, Uncle Martin?

Are you ready to try and start it yet?

Well, I don't know.

But if I'm talking to you and you don't know what I'm talking about, why should

I believe you?

Mrs. Brown, would you please try starting the ignition?

The what?

The thingamajig.

Nothing,

huh? Nothing?

Mrs.

Brown, this time would you try turning it the other way?

What happened?

Well, you, uh... You were fixing Mrs.

Brown's car, and you sort of... I were?

I mean, I was?

Was I?

Oh. I guess I was, I'm sorry.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

She turned the thing in my cheek, and I got hit with the watch of a car.

You're not going to think of yourself, Martin. You might at least think of your

other selves.

I apologize. But remember, I was at ground zero.

You're, uh, you're sure you're all right now?

Oh, I think I'm fine.

I believe.

I sympathize. But it was directly attributable to your own clumsiness.

You had no responsibility, I suppose.

Did you? At least we know the difference between a thingamajig and a

whatchamacallit. Oh, now, hold it, hold it.

Now, Uncle Martins, all of you, may I say something?

I would like to make a plea for togetherness. Now, look, you're all

in your own ways, but my favorite Uncle Martin is the one that I remember from

only yesterday, and I'd sort of like to have him back, whether you decide to

stay or go back to Mars.

So I got a great idea. I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I am going to leave the room, and when I come back, I'd like to see just one

Uncle Martin.

Now, is that asking too much? Not at all.

Good. I am now leaving the room.

I am not now leaving the room because here comes Mrs. Brown's doctor.

Doctor. A doctor. I don't need a doctor. Well, you've got one now.

Well, I mean, I can't have a doctor. You know what happens if he examines me? He

gets static in his stethoscope.

That's right.

In the place of heartbeats, he'll get blips.

Don't let him in here, Tim. Well, what do I tell him?

Tell him I'm too sick to see a doctor.

Thanks a lot.

Tim O 'Hara? Yes, Dr. Nelson.

Oh, Mrs.

Brown called me about your uncle's injury.

Oh, yes, well, that was awfully nice of Mrs. Brown, Doctor, but actually it's

too bad that she called because, you see, he's all well again.

Mrs. Brown said that he got an awful thump.

Well, Doctor, you know how women are. They're flighty, hysterical, panicky.

As a matter of fact, Mrs. Brown was quite calm.

I think I'd better take a look at him. You can never tell about these head

blows. Oh, no, no, no, no, you better not.

I mean, he's asleep.

Asleep? Yes.

With a concussion?

That's bad. It certainly is. Well, then he's awake.

Do it.

It'll only take a minute. No, you can't. Not now.

Why not?

because that room is a mess.

The bed's not made.

Well, don't worry about that.

Yeah, doctor, doctor, look, look.

Here's a picture of Uncle Martin, and does he look sick to you?

Very amusing, Mr. O 'Hara.

But I'm a very busy man. I have many calls to make, and I'd like to get this

over with. Well, that's just it, doctor. You're a very busy man, so what we'll

do is make an appointment, and we'll come down and meet you in the office.

you, doctor.

I'm getting the distinct impression that you are throwing me out.

Not at all, Doctor. How can you say a thing like that? It's just that I don't

want to keep you from people who really need your help. Goodbye, sir.

Well, if you're doing all this because you want to call in your own doctor, you

could have said just that. Well, that's it, Doctor. You've got it. What we'd

rather do is call in our own doctor, Doctor.

Well, the point is, bring someone in for a professional diagnosis.

Right. For your own peace of mind? Right.

Oh, and remember, you've only got one, Uncle Martin. I hope you're right.

Boy, do I hope you're right.

Oh, why, Dr. Nelson, my goodness, you're fast.

Is Uncle Martin all right?

I don't know.

But that nephew of his needs help.

How's that?

Well, he's all wound up. Doesn't make much sense.

Does he get like this often? No, no.

He's probably worried about his Uncle Martin.

Maybe I'd better go up and see if there's something I can do. No, no, no,

He's calling in his own doctor.

Oh, and that man has his work cut out for him.

Meanwhile, why don't you go on about your own affairs?

Well, I was going shopping.

Do it.

Is there someplace I can drop you?

Oh, no, thank you. My car's parked out in front, but may I use your phone to

call my office? Oh, yes, yes, of course. It's in the kitchen. Just snap the door

lock when you leave, and thank you so much for coming. Don't mention it.

It was interesting, to say the least.

No, that one.

Come in.

Jim, you gave us quite a turn, bursting in like that. Well, who did you expect,

the census taker? Now, look, I've got rid of the doctor for a little while.

Brown is gone, so let's stop knocking around in triplicate before we have some

more visitors.

We interrupt this program for a special announcement.

The countdown on this historic rocket shot for Mars has reached zero minus 60

minutes. Oh, my goodness.

We're going to miss it.

I think.

All components are functioning as predicted.

Everything is proceeding smoothly. For him, things might be proceeding

Over here, things are rough. True, Tim. But they needn't have been except for

the bullheadedness of certain parties.

Correction.

Bumbleheadedness. We could have worked this out long ago except for the

neighborhood repairman here.

I will not accept the blame.

I don't think.

Oh, now, please, please, you guys. If you're going to argue, you just... on

subject. I mean, that rocket goes in an hour. Well, it's a 40 -minute drive to

the base, even if you hit all the lights.

Tim's right. We've got to move fast.

And as the proprietor of the only other cool head in this room, I have a

suggestion. If you'll drive us to the rocket base, Tim, we can negotiate on

way. It's the only way, my dear colleagues.

It would be embarrassing if we all decided to go and we weren't there.

That makes sense.

Yeah, well, I knew you had good heads in your shoulders. Now, come on. Let's get

out of here. Now, one of you can sit in front with me and the other two guys sit

in back, huh?

I want to sit in the front.

Hold it. What am I talking about?

I can't drive out of this neighborhood in broad daylight with three Uncle

Martins. You're right.

People would talk.

But wait.

What would be so unusual about driving off with three pieces of luggage?

I'm on my way now.

Yes. And tell Mrs. Mayhew she'll have to come into the office somehow.

The hospital doesn't recognize hives as a serious emergency.

Yes.

Okay.

Operator, give me the police quickly.

I told you how to pack a march. I'm sorry.

You know, Doc, if you're wrong about this, we could all be in a lot of

There's a body in that trunk over there.

I saw it with my own eyes.

Let's take a look, Harris. No, not quick.

Not now.

That's it.

That's the one.

I don't know.

It's a small apartment.

I want to take a look at those things.

I'll take the bag. You guys get the trunk.

Doc, I think you've really stumbled on something.

Hey, Ron, where'd you go?

Hey, hey, what's going on? Hold still, O 'Hara. He may be armed.

Hold still, O 'Hara.

Don't let him get away.

I got him, I got him. I asked the reason for this ambush.

Mr. O 'Hara.

If you confess and get this off your chest, you'll feel much better. Get what

off my chest besides Big Daddy here? No murders, that's what. I beg your pardon?

Come on. We just saw you come downstairs with three bodies.

Three bodies?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, maybe we'd better refresh your memory. Come here. Oh, fine.

Gentlemen,

gentlemen, what's this unseemly racket?

Uncle Martin.

Who's that?

I'm Martin O 'Hara, Tim's uncle. That's the victim.

I think the word victim was most apropos, Dr. Nelson.

Although the real complainant here is my poor nephew, Tim.

After what you subjected him to.

Well, he'll have all the opportunity to complain that he wants when we get down

to the station house.

For what?

Well, how would suspected homicide be for openers?

I assume you can produce the body.

Bodies. There was three of them, counting yours.

And where are they now?

Except this one, of course.

Well, I... I believe you refer to them in police circles as the corpus delecti.

Look, mister, all I did was answer a telephone call from some crank.

Exactly whom are you calling a crank?

Somebody who calls my sergeant and says there's a body in a trunk when there

isn't one, that's whom.

Come on, Doc. Let's go.

Exactly where are we going?

How does the station grab you?

Oh, fine.

Grab me?

It's a misdemeanor to turn in a false police report. Let's go, Doc.

You can't do this to me. I'm doing it to you. The police commissioner is a

patient of mine. You'll be a client of his.

Uncle Martin?

You were magnificent.

Which one are you? I'm mean.

I'm together again.

Well, how'd you do that?

Well, there was one thing all three of me couldn't agree on.

Helping you after we got you in trouble.

So, we thwopped.

Thwopped.

Oh, Tim, Martin, come here quickly. You're missing all the excitement.

Look at that. It's the rocket to Mars. I didn't want you to miss it.

It looks like a beautiful shot.

I'm sorry, Uncle Martin.

Think nothing of it, Tim.

The way you people are going, there's bound to be another one along any

Hi, Uncle Martin.

Hi, Tim.

Where have you been?

Shopping.

And have I got a surprise for you.

But don't come in until I tell you.

All right.

Considering the weather and some of your surprises lately, I hope this one isn't

electrical.

All right. You can come in now.

Like it, Tim?

What? It's a genuine Empire three -way mirror. I bought it for a song.