Original subtitles

Martin?

Martin? Oh, it's me.

The Martin of home!

Well,

that might have worked for King Kong, but on you it looks pretty silly.

Oh, Tim.

Tim, I didn't hear you come in. I was so absorbed.

Oh, Tim, I'm in a lot of trouble.

What is it? I have a toothache. You see... Where'd I go?

I was just here.

Oh, there I am. What is it? What's the matter?

Oh, it's you.

Tim. Uncle Martin, what is wrong with you?

I just told you I have a toothache. But why can't you see? Do you know where

you're looking? Oh, I can see. It's my sense of depth that's off.

Also, the images that are being projected by my retina, they're out of

You see, Tim, in a Martian, the optic nerve is tied in with the levitating

nerve. I'd illustrate, but I don't know what I'd be raising.

From a toothache? You can't see?

Of course.

It's very simple.

It's the eye tooth.

Oh.

Oh, I'm afraid you're still out of whack.

How do you feel?

The same.

There's no pain, but the retina images, I, uh... Well, they... And I'm in my

field of focus.

I'm all mixed up, Tim. I need help.

Look, Martin, look.

Well, maybe during my lunch hour I can stop by here and I'll pick you up. I can

take you downtown. I'll take you right to a good Oculus.

Oculist? Who needs an oculist?

I need a dentist.

Tim, this is as good a time as any to talk to you about something that has

bothering me.

Lately, I've had the feeling that you've been taking me for granted, treating me

just like an earthling. I'm not one of you, Tim.

I'm a Martian with different reactions and different responses. I have problems

that are unique to you people.

Uncle Martin. Who's there?

Uncle Martin, look, I'm really becoming concerned about you. Now... I think it's

getting worse.

It is getting worse, and it's going to get worse -er.

Worse -er? All those things you insisted I do last night, putting oil of cloves

on my tooth, cold compresses, and this ridiculous thing.

Charming little homemade remedies, Tim, but Earth is not my home. I repeat, I am

a Martian. I have an ache in my eye, too. Take me to your dentist.

I'll take you to my dentist.

Well, please be quick about it, will you?

Uncle Martin.

Hmm?

Are you sure you don't need an oculus for a problem with my eye tooth?

Maybe you'd go to an oculus, but I'd go to a dentist. And while you're downtown,

I think it would be a good idea for you to stop off and get yourself a haircut.

That's lovely.

It's Picasso, isn't it?

That is the directory board.

Oh.

Well, I was wondering why we stopped to examine a painting.

Here it is, Dr. Little, room 304.

Must be this way.

You don't know what a sacrifice I'm making for you. I haven't been in to see

Herbie in over two years. He's going to be mad at me just for neglecting my tea.

Well, how mad can he get? After all, you finally showed up, didn't you? I showed

up. This is your appointment. No, no, Tim. It's your appointment. Uncle

Yes? I made the appointment for you. This is your appointment.

Tim, I can't visit with your dentist.

I can't have an appointment.

My teeth aren't like yours. The minute he started working on me, he'd be

thunderstruck. Thunderstruck?

We Martians have more teeth than you Earth people.

How many?

Fifty -two. With absolutely no cavities.

Oh, now and then, a little something goes wrong. But as far as the teeth

themselves are concerned, they're absolutely perfect. And of a substance

foreign to you Earth dentists.

Then what are we doing here?

It's very simple, Tim.

You made the appointment in the name of Mr. O 'Hara, so you can keep it. All I

want to do is get inside a dentist's office.

I need some dental powders and pumice he has.

How are you going to do that?

Listen, Uncle Martin, this isn't going to work.

Of course it is. No, no, I'm going to cut out. I forgot to tell you how

I am when it comes to dentists.

Don't worry.

I'm here to protect you.

How can they do anything with the way you see?

I mean, talk about cockeyed optimists.

when I resent your lack of faith. Now, I don't expect you to move mountains, but

I would appreciate a bit more confidence in my superior abilities.

What are you doing?

I have punched my tongue over my eye tooth.

It's a bit painful and awkward, but for as long as I can hold it, it's as

accurate and bullseye as my vision can ever, ever be.

Now, I'm watching.

One Dennis Prober going up.

Now, you just sit quietly, because the dentist is about to come in here, and

he's going to be glad to see you. As a matter of fact... Oh, he's coming in

and he's very happy to see you.

Ah, Tim.

Hello there, old buddy. Long time no see.

Hi, Harvey.

Hi. You look just great. Oh, thanks.

This is my uncle, Martin.

How are you?

Hi.

Well, now let's see what we have with you here.

Tim, the mirror.

Now,

I'm just looking, but the good cleaning is...

It never did that.

his cabinet with him in the room. You're not going to get a good look at it with

him out of the room either. Now, will you please put that tongue back in your

tooth? You darn near killed me just pointing your finger at that chair.

If you're in this room alone, you'll destroy the place. No, no, no, no, no.

chair was an accident.

My finger slipped and I hurt my tongue.

When I saw all those wonderful powders he has, I bit myself in the excitement.

I don't care where you bit yourself.

Oh, my heart.

Now, will you please get out of here?

Keep him out there now. Don't let him come back to the room.

Okay, all right. But keep a civil tongue on your eye, too.

I will, I will. But keep him out there.

They all look fine to me.

That one?

No, that looks fine.

How about that one?

Which one?

Oh, any one.

That's good. That's like a GL white dot pumice.

How about that one?

Well, I saw one of them.

Glow a little bit.

Norma.

The light, Norma.

Norma! Oh, isn't that a nice name? Nurse Norma. You know, if you put an L on me

in that, you have Nurse Norma, but that couldn't be you. No, because you're so

far ahead of the pack. Which reminds me, what are you doing, like, tonight?

It's all right, Herbie! Listen, we're old friends. I met her before.

Oh, no, you haven't.

Perhaps you met my twin sister, but you've never met me before.

You? You have a twin sister?

Oh, what I meant was maybe I met you in my dreams, but if you have a twin

sister... Oh, you've just got to be kidding. Listen, how about your phone

number? Come on. All right, all right. If you won't give me your phone number,

how about your zip code?

Here we go.

Tim,

would you take me home?

Home? Yeah, I suddenly developed a bad headache.

Oh, and he doesn't drive either, so I guess I'll just have to take him home.

You? Well, you were in the middle of an examination. Well, I was, Herbie, but I

know you'll forgive me. I'm just afraid of Dennis, that's all.

Tim. And I'll come back later, maybe next week, without him, or maybe the day

after that, or the day after that. You're not going to leave?

You're just going to leave?

I don't like to do that, but let's face it, you do have something wrong with

your fuse box, and the drill would never work properly, and the lines would

never work either, Herbie, and actually... Tim! What? Stay! No!

Does it?

Mm -hmm.

Now.

Now. Tim.

Here. Tim.

Over here. Oh.

Now, Tim.

Just guide this end for me now. All right. No, no, no. Don't touch it. Don't

touch it. Just guide it in. All right.

No, no, no, no, no. Back toward me.

Toward me?

Me. Toward me. That's it. That's it. All right. Now, no, no. Down, down, down.

Down, down, down.

No, no, no. Back to your right. To your right. To your right. To your right.

That's it. Now, back.

Back. Back to your right. That's it. Up, up, up, up.

Ah. Ah.

Right on.

Do all Martians do their own dental work?

It's not as unusual as you might think, Tim.

It's the same thing as you Earth people curing your own cold, headaches, and

stomach pains.

A well -educated Martian child learns his dentistry in grade school.

Grade school?

Of course, he first must complete internal medicine and pediatrics.

A child?

On Mars, the brain is available for education at the moment of birth.

A Martian child at the age of six is comparable to your Earth's greatest

physicist. As a matter of fact, I have a nephew on Phobos who's only 13 years

old, and he's already discovered a cure for which there is no known ailment.

Looks okay to me.

Of course.

Looks deceive.

It's an old Martian aphorism. Well, it's an Earth aphorism, too.

But as far as I'm concerned, you look just fine.

Well, that's the problem with a crossed -eye tooth.

Everything looks fine externally.

Internally, everything's all cockeyed, reversed, upside down, inside out. No,

no, wait a minute.

Do you mean that I, uh... Well, you know, that I look to you

like... That's right. You go walking on your head and your feet need a haircut.

Martin, what are we going to do?

Extraction. Of course, if I was on Mars, I could radio beam it out. But here on

Earth, well, when in Rome... We have that aphorism, too.

Oh?

Well, I thought I just made it up.

Uncle Martin, what are you doing?

Well, what is it? What are you asking? Well, I'm looking for a piece of string.

I thought it was in this cabinet. This is the cabinet, isn't it? Yes, here.

Is this what you're looking for?

Oh, I found it.

Uncle Martin, you were going to try and remove a tooth with a piece of string?

Tied to the doorknob.

I may have to take out both eye teeth. They are crossed.

Now, when I count to three, I want you to slam the door.

All right, but...

This is for kids. It's not going to work for you.

Well, in practicality, what is happening is that my mature, normally adult

Martian teeth are now baby teeth. Baby teeth? And if we don't hurry... What?

What? Before baby teeth, gums.

Huh? Gums.

Gums. Gums.

There's a retrogression prospect.

In a crossed -eye tooth, my insides go cockeyed, and if I don't do something

about it, they'll recede and I'll be gums.

Now, I don't mind being the first Martian on Earth, but I do mind being

first Martian on Earth who eats baby food.

All tied. I'm ready.

All right. Now, you go outside, and when I count to three, you shut the door.

Hard. Right. Okay.

One million.

Nine hundred and ninety -nine thousand.

Nine hundred and ninety -eight thousand.

What are you doing?

Counting to three.

Backward? You see, I told you I'm backward.

Now, one.

Two. Three.

Doesn't work.

That is an understatement.

Well, obviously, a Martian's baby teeth are still superior to Earth's

substances. Jim, I've asked you before, and I must ask you again.

Take me to your dentist.

What? We must visit with your Dr. Little again.

After what I did? What we did?

I mean, the fuse box, the chair, the drill?

That nurse?

It's necessary.

I must do a major extraction.

Use his tools.

But how are you going to explain barging into his office and then acting like a

couple of clowns and stealing off like two thieves in the night? Easy. Instant

hypnosis. I'll draw him on a discussion of anesthetics, and then I'll put him

under. Well, now, look, if you're going to stand there holding that doorknob,

that's one thing. But if you're going to help me, that's another.

Now, please.

Would you mind leaving me alone?

And I have no intention of giving you my phone number.

Well, come on, I'm just trying to be friendly.

Friendly, you?

No, thanks.

You're supposed to be Dr. Little's friend.

And if your idea of being a friend is to run out in the middle of an

examination... Oh, now, come on. He did blow his fuse box and Uncle Martin had a

headache. And if we could have examined him right then and there, we would have

realized he had an impacted wisdom tooth and treated him immediately, instead of

having to come back and make us squeeze you in between someone else's

appointment. Speaking of squeezing... Yes?

Do you think Dr.

Little's having any trouble with my Uncle Martin there in that room in

If you don't open your mouth, I can't help you.

Now, look, you were the one that called me and said you had an impacted wisdom

tooth. And I juggled all my appointments around just to fit you in immediately.

But if you don't want to open your mouth... Look, Mr. O 'Hara, I completely

understand the fright that overcomes you and many people in a dentist's chair,

but it's completely old -fashioned.

Yes, look, today, modern dentistry is totally painless. I mean, we do magical

things with water streams, liquid anesthetics.

Anesthetics. Sleep.

And move over so I can get up.

You'll forgive me for not opening my mouth, Doctor.

But that's something a Martian can never do for an Earth dentist.

You see, the shock and the sheer visualization of seeing 52 brilliantly

interforms when you look into a Martian's mouth is a development that

dentists should never see.

I'll explain as I go along.

You are under a form of hypnosis, but your subconscious will retain the

of the self -extraction you are about to witness.

All right, I'll tell you what. Both you and your twin, you're both beautiful.

I'll take you both out.

You're both beautiful.

I'll take you both out.

Are you getting all this?

In cross -eyed teeth, it sometimes becomes a double extraction.

Come on, out.

Come on, out.

Don't be stubborn. You know you have to come out. So come on, out.

Come on, out.

Come on, out. Now, though he's stubborn, he's going to have to come out. So come

out.

When this is over, all you will remember, Doctor, is that you extracted

wisdom tooth.

I was a good patient, and you will not remember Tim running out on me.

Or the chair going up and down.

or the buzzing drill, or the fuse box.

Oh, come on now, this is silly. You don't have to sit out here. One of us

and if you won't... Oh, sir, you're being so obstinate about it.

Well, Norma, that was nice of you to stay out here with him while his uncle

inside. But, Tim, old buddy, there's nothing to worry about.

One impacted wisdom tooth, taken right out. And we had it gift -wrapped,

I want to give it to you.

To me?

Mm -hmm. It's my wisdom tooth. Put it under your pillow and it will bring you

luck. No, no, Uncle Martin. You put it under your pillow and then the tooth

fairy comes and leaves you money.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

Doctor, was the chair all right?

And the drill?

No trouble?

Uh, trouble?

The electricity, the fuse box.

What? The what box?

My, what beautiful eyes you have.

I wish I could do that.

When you wake up, you will be happy like Dr. Little.

And you will not remember the fuse box, nor the up and down chair, nor the

runaway drill.

Come on, Uncle Martin.

Get her phone number for me.

Well, oh, come on now. I mean, she's got a twin sister.

Tim, in that box is not my wisdom tooth.

It is my eye tooth.

I only had to pull the one. The other is sealed off with a temporary filling.

An eye tooth?

Mm -hmm.

And I want you to have it because I want you to see with possibly a little bit

of the wisdoms that I have.

Oh, I see. What you're saying is that your eye teeth are something like our

wisdom teeth.

Yes. We Martians keep our wisdom in a safer place than our teeth.

And you're not going to get her phone number for me, are you? See?

You're getting smarter already.

And as I said, when you awake, you will be very happy and healthy and wealthy

and wise. And you'll give Tim your phone number.

Oh, I'm sorry, Tim.

Uncle Martin, will you please make yourself visible?

Uncle Martin, what is the matter? Why did you bump into me? Why are you

around invisible?

Well, I thought it would make me feel better.

Tim, you're losing weight.

It's back.

Yeah, the filling fell out of my eye, too.

Come on, I'll show you back to bed.

I'll be all right, Tim.

I'll get a good night's sleep, and tomorrow morning I'll make a stronger

for my eye, too. Yeah, you're sure now you're going to be all right, huh?

Positive, positive. A temporary setback is not a permanent thing.

Uncle Martin, you know something?

With all of your aphorisms and your friendship...

Well, I just want to thank you for what you showed me.

And if I take you for granted, well, it's... It's only because you're...

an easy person to get used to.

That's very nice.

Thank you, Tim.

Well, don't forget to put your tooth under your pillow.

Oh, I already did.

That's a quaint custom you have down here.

But, of course, you Earth people don't grow your teeth back, as we Martians do.

Good night, Uncle Martin.

Twenty -five cents in a jewel box?

To my Uncle Martin.

A friend in need is my Uncle Martin.

Thank you for the wisdom and the tooth.

Sometimes it gets very lonely down here.

But in many ways, it's worth it.