Original subtitles

Mmm.

Delicious.

Marvelous. Ah, well, it's all the way you washed the pot. Never scour.

There's no one as funny as a bachelor showing off his cooking prowess. Yes,

well, we aim pleased.

Um, doesn't your uncle mind being shunted off into the bedroom?

No, no, he's just fine.

Now, look, why don't you just lie back and relax?

Look, we see each other every day for eight hours down at the newspaper, but

never really get a chance to know each other.

Oh, ask him in.

He was at fun at dinner. I'm sure he'd really appreciate it. Linda, right now,

don't you just feel that it's the two of us against the world?

No.

Just against your uncle.

Now, go on, Tim.

Well, we, uh, we aim to please.

Well, how about a cup of coffee, Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

Oh, no.

No games. Not tonight, please.

Oh, he's in here.

Is there another way out? Yeah, well, for him there is, yes.

Gets me to have the whole apartment to ourselves, then. Yes.

Let's go.

No. I thought... Right now, I want to buy you a cup of coffee down at the

drugstore. You're shitting me, Tim.

What's the matter with you?

That's gratitude for you.

You take a guy in, give him the shirt off your back, and what does he do?

He disappears on you.

Don't let me interrupt. I really just want some sleep.

You don't know how unsettling it is having someone study you all the time.

if you can't see me, how do you know I'm studying you? That's what's so

unsettling.

It was getting stuffy in that bedroom, Tim. You need more ventilation.

I need more privacy. Uncle Martin, look, it took me four weeks to get a date

with Linda, three hours to cook her dinner, two hours to get her into the

mood, and only took you two seconds to blow it. Now, that doesn't seem fair

somehow.

Where are my shoes?

Excuse me.

Ah, you earth people.

Appearance is everything.

You care more about the chase than the prey.

It'll probably take me another four weeks just to chase her up here. Now,

Martin, you've just got to stop it.

You know something?

You will ruin the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I'm sorry, Tim.

It won't happen again. Oh, here it is.

Well, I'm going to be late.

Oh, come on, Linda. Now, look, it wasn't my fault that the evening ended so

early.

Whose fault was it?

Well, it was my fault, I guess. But I promise I'll make it up to you if you

just... I've got some work to do.

Now, now, now. Just quiet down.

Arguing won't settle anything.

That's better.

Now, you start first. Tell me exactly when you saw the bone.

Excuse me.

We're paying you to be in this office at 9 o 'clock sharp. Where are you?

This is Tim's uncle. He left about an hour ago, Mr. Burns.

Well, you're not here.

Where is he?

Hello? Hello?

Anybody there? Hello?

He went to cover Ambassador Thomas' press conference.

He did?

I didn't know he knew about it.

That's why I called. I told him to get down there. Is he nowhere?

Uh, Hotel Creighton.

I'm sorry, Boo -Boo, but at the moment, Tim needs my services more.

We'll talk about it when I get back.

Excuse me.

You're Ambassador Thomas, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

Can I help you?

You just have.

Thank you.

Good day.

This is Tim O 'Hara, Mr. Burns.

What are you calling for? That press conference isn't until two.

We won't have to wait for it, sir. I've got my story already.

How's this sound?

Ambassador Thomas today announced he was resigning his post to run for the

Senate.

Who else knows about this?

No one.

It's an exclusive.

Until the press conference.

I don't believe it. Tim, this is great.

Why, we'll have a three -hour beat on every other paper, and I finally got

Thomas where I want him with egg all over his face.

You got anything else?

I have the whole text of his speech.

Well, give it to me, boy. Give it to me.

Oh, I'm getting it.

Tim, I didn't know you had it in you.

I...

Tim?

O 'Hara?

Come here.

Who

is

this?

That's Uncle Martin.

That's why it's called a rewrite.

How dare you.

How dare you let your uncle cover a story for you. Why, this is the lowest,

unethical thing I ever heard of any reporter doing anywhere.

Did you really think I'd fall for it?

What story?

You know what I do when I get something like this.

Fire me?

Now, fellas, later.

That's right, hire you. Now, for a minute there, I thought he was going to

me, but he said it was one of the best jobs of reporting he'd ever seen.

Your story was brilliant.

That's how I knew I had nothing to do with it.

Well, that's fine, Tim, but... Just picture this, you and me working side by

side covering the four corners of the earth.

We might even get a dual byline by Tim and Martin O 'Hara. Now, how does that

sound? Well, not very good, really. Well, all right, then, by Martin and Tim

'Hara. Hey, it's going to be great working with a guy with your powers. I

hope I can keep my end up. You'll have to keep it up alone, Tim. I can't take

the job.

Well, why not? This is a great opportunity. You can go anywhere, meet

study what you want, when you want.

As who?

How am I going to fill out all those forms that say mother's maiden name?

Have you ever had chicken pox? If so, where? If not, why?

Social security number, hospitalization number, credit card number.

You don't exist, do you? Not as far as this civilization is concerned.

But he wants you.

Listen, Tim.

He only wants me because I'm new. Why is it that you Earth people are never

satisfied with what you have?

Any day now, I expect to see an ad for new ancient ruins of Pompeii. Just go

back and tell him I don't want the job.

No means no in any man's language. Well, he might take that as an insult.

Well, the world won't end if I'm not a reporter on the sun.

After all, it's just... The finest daily newspaper west of the Mississippi

offers him a job and he turns it down?

He's an inventor, Mr. Burns, and that takes up most of his time.

He wouldn't turn it down. You know, I don't think you even told him about my

offer. What's the matter with you, O 'Hara? You jealous of your uncle?

No. You afraid of the competition?

No. Afraid you won't be able to write anything as brilliant as his story? No!

Let me tell you something. If there aren't two O 'Haras on this paper

morning, there won't be any.

I'm not going to let a reporter like that slip through my fingers. I don't

to take this, Mr. Burns. I know that.

But I'll tell him anyway.

You see that you do that.

Now get out of here and go to work.

And in closing, on behalf of myself and the entire staff, let me

say welcome.

Thank you.

Here's your press card.

Display it proudly, my boy.

And here are your passes to the roller derby.

And now, if everyone will take their cue from Martin O 'Hara's fine reporting,

be inspired by it to give their all, this newspaper will never have to take

second place to anyone.

Please.

The credit is yours.

I just want the satisfaction of knowing that I can recognize truly great

reporters. And so...

With this... All right, back to work.

Congratulations, Mr. O 'Hara.

Yeah.

Congratulations. Welcome aboard a sinking ship.

I've got to convince Burns he hasn't discovered another Pulitzer before they

begin wondering where my employment application is. Any suggestions short of

illiteracy? Truthfully, not at the moment.

Well, I've always said... When there's a Martian, there's hope. I hope.

O 'Hara?

Which one?

Both.

Gentlemen, we are going to be sued.

That was Ambassador Thomas' lawyer, and Thomas is going to sue us for $1 million

for invasion of privacy.

Now, how did you get that story?

I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but I can't reveal my source of information.

Oh, don't give me that bunk. You can tell me. I'm a newspaper man, too,

remember? It would be unethical.

Tim taught me that.

Well, I know Roy Thomas, and he will sue unless we can prove that you didn't

invade his privacy. Because underneath that red sash...

beats the heart of a thief. I know him. I've worked with him. I didn't know

that. Oh, shut up.

It so happens that I was a press attache when he was undersecretary in the

French embassy.

He was meanly underhanded then, and 25 years haven't changed him.

Why, that man would steal the teeth out of a man's mouth if he could.

Oh, well, never mind about that.

You've got to tell me how you got that story.

He can't.

Will you stay out of this?

Now, come on.

Tell me how you got that story.

I can't.

Wait a minute.

Now, don't worry about it, Mr. Burns. I mean, we'll handle everything, Mr.

Burns. We'll get to the bottom of this.

Oh, now, where'd he go?

Yes? Ambassador Thomas, I'm Martin O 'Hara, the Los Angeles Sun, and I'd like

explain about...

Now

look, you, I don't want to have...

That's

funny. There's no one there.

Don't try to change the subject, Lloyd. I'm not trying to change the subject.

And you're not going to change my mind, Edith.

Then we're going to be here for quite a while, Lloyd. That announcement might

cost me the nomination.

Correct my timing. Oh, your timing.

You're just doing it to spite poor Harry. Oh, stop calling poor Harry. He

changed one bit.

He's as mean and underhanded as he was 25 years ago. Only worse.

He has to change.

How would you know that?

Oh, Lloyd, don't be silly.

And stop trying to change the subject.

Where did you go? To see Ambassador Thomas.

It's too bad man can't be more scientific.

You can heat water and in a few minutes it'll boil away.

But simmer a bruised ego for 25 years, there won't be less, there'll be more.

I don't know what you're talking about, but I shot my mouth off to Burns and I

told him we'd handle everything.

And you were absolutely right, we will.

Can you get Burns to the hotel tonight around 8?

I suppose so, why?

There's only one thing left to do, Tim.

You've got to expose me.

Expose you?

I thought that's just what we were trying to avoid.

Tim, the dignity of the son is at stake, not to mention your job.

I don't have anything to say to that ambassador.

Oh, please, Mr. Burns. At least you can always have the courtesy to hear him

out.

Good evening, Edith.

Won't you come in, Harry?

Thank you.

I want it on the front page.

Anywhere you want your apology is fine with me.

I'm not apologizing. You are. All over the front page.

Now, Lloyd, don't lose your temper.

Harry, please.

You said he was going to drop the suit.

Don't your hands ever get tired from so much double dealing?

Your secretary pleaded with me to hear your apology.

I don't have a secretary.

Lloyd, Harry, stop it.

I think I'd better explain what's going on here.

Well, you see, I figured you people wouldn't get together unless you thought

that the other party was giving in.

Well, and I'm afraid I lied. Just a little.

But here you are, together.

And that's why Uncle Martin's here.

He's going to make a confession.

That's the man we saw in the corridor, Lloyd.

Yes.

The one who kept knocking on our door and running away.

Is this one of your spies, Burns?

He's a reporter on the sun. Same thing.

Mr. Burns, Mr. Burns, he's right. I acted like a spy.

What? Yes, that's what I've been trying to tell you, Mr. Burns.

Hurry up. I have a confession to make.

Please,

sit down.

It's going to be a good one.

Mr. Ambassador, I peeked through the transom and I saw where you kept your

speech. I know I did wrong now.

I went against everything that Tim and Mr. Burns ever taught me about

That was cheap yellow journalism.

Burglary at its lowest and deception at its highest.

No, wait a minute.

No, sir, that was just a piece of darn fine reporting.

Go on, Mr. Burns, go on. Fire when ready. I can take it.

Fire you?

When you did what every good reporter ought to do? Not a chance.

You were just sore because my man got the story first.

There's your hero, Edith.

Edith, you must understand my position.

Mr. Burns, maybe you'd better let me tell them the real reason I did what I

My mistake was made because of Mr. Burns' admiration for you, Mr.

Admiration, respect, and devotion.

It was?

Yes, ma 'am.

Shall I go on, Mr. Burns? I don't want to embarrass you.

Yes, go on, go on.

Mr. Ambassador, Mr.

Burns thinks that you are one of the finest men we have, and he wanted to

that there were no hard feelings about what happened 25 years ago, that he did

not carry a grudge.

So I had to get a story, any way I could.

Mr. Burns' integrity, his sense of justice and fair play wouldn't have

him to print the story if he had known how I got it.

But after he read it... He wanted to be the first to back your campaign for the

Senate.

I'll be.

Mr. Burns, he compromised you.

Yes.

How dare you compromise me in the eyes of the ambassador?

You know what you did was most unethical? It was a disgrace to the

integrity of myself and the son.

My word is my bond.

I'm shocked, and you're fired.

Harry, I thought you were trying to get back at me for taking Edith away from

you. Why, Lloyd, you're jealous.

It's nothing to be proud of.

It is when you can admit it, Mr. Ambassador.

You stay out of this.

How dare you come between two old friends? You know, it was you and your

that caused this whole misunderstanding.

You said enough. You said enough, O 'Hara.

Get out of here. You're a blood on the sun.

Come to dinner tomorrow.

Right, Lloyd?

Absolutely. Thank you. Yeah, we'll have quite a lot to talk about. Right,

Senator? Right, Harry.

Good night.

Good night.

Why, Lloyd Thomas, it's been years since I've seen you.

Now, don't start that, Edith.

It's been years since I've seen you blush.

She's quite a woman, but...

How

can you stand that troublemaker?

Just lucky, I guess.

It's beautiful, Tim.

Well, we aim to please.

Isn't that interesting?

We gotta get out of here.

Oh, not again.

Yeah.

And just because of a jewelry box.