All language subtitles for my_favorite_martian_s01e28_if_you_cant_lick_em

Must you do that?

What's it?

It's a Sarah Padula Ixnay Garula do or
depart of. And why don't you go home?

Me? It is efficient, essential, and
broken, but definitely not neat.

Now, will you kindly go home?

What's it do?

Nothing at the moment, which is
precisely the problem.

What's it do when it's fixed?

It whistles Dixie.

Now, why don't you run along and play
with your little friends, huh?

What friends?

Figures.

There.

That ought to do it.

Uh, maybe you can find some nice little
old lady who needs to be helped across

the street, huh? It's for Boy Scouts.

What do you got her doing there?

Obviously nothing.

How come you don't have a job?

My mom said guys that don't have jobs
are bums.

Your mother is a... a charming woman.

Now, why don't you run along and give
her the pleasure of your company?

Hey, you know, you could replace
automation.

Tim, the situation is becoming
untenable.

Oh, come on now. He's just a child
with... normal curiosities.

Well, you know how kids are. I do not
know how kids are. Where I come from,

we're born with our faculties fully
developed. Well, he'll stop hanging

He'll lose interest.

And while he's losing interest, I'm
losing time.

I haven't been able to get near the
garage for almost a week now. Every time

make a move, there's horrible horrors.

What am I going to do about that child?

You sound terribly concerned about the
whole thing. You don't think he suspects

anything, do you? I wouldn't know.

Well, you can read his mind, can't you?

It isn't easy to read the mind of a ten
-year -old. Some of your most

distinguished child psychologists admit
that it's almost impossible to grasp the

mental processes of a ten -year -old
boy.

Well, his mind is sending, isn't it? Oh,
it's sending all right.

Horace is sending and I'm receiving, and
who can decipher it? Decipher what? I

intercept a steady stream of gibberish,
which consists primarily of neat,

neato... Gonna bust that fatso one and
how about that sandy co -fat?

Delivered rather admiring.

Make sense to you?

Sure. Then you've missed your vocation.
I suggest that you give up reporting and

devote your entire time to... What's the
matter? Something wrong, Lamar?

It's coming.

What's coming?

I could say the millennium, but it would
be a big fat lie.

It's horrible Horace. He's on his way
over here right this minute. I can't

it. I simply can't face it. You'll have
to cope with him. I'm going to

disappear.

You're still here.

Of course I'm still here. I'm just
invisible.

No, you're not.

Don't be ridiculous.

Relax, raise antenna, concentrate, all
gone.

Uh -uh. You mean I'm not all gone?

Well, your antennas are up, but you're
still visible.

Well, maybe I didn't relax enough.

I'll try again.

Relax.

Raise antenna.

Uh, you can't. I can't what?

Raise your antennas. They're already up.

They're stuck.

You're kidding. I'm not kidding. My
antenna are stuck.

Do you mean you can't disappear? That's
exactly what I mean. Do you realize that

if horrible horror sees me in this
condition, the jig is up?

That kid has a very large mouth.

Smaller. Smaller. I can't make myself
smaller.

No, no, no. Under the couch.

I can't get under the couch. I'll bend
my antenna.

I've not been so humiliated my whole
life, and I'm 451 years old.

What are you doing?

You'll see.

it on fast.

But, but, but... Don't argue. With my
antenna, I stand out like a sore thumb.

But if we both have antenna... I don't
get it. If you wanted to hide a tree,

where would you hide it?

In the forest?

Roger.

Zero hour.

I don't believe I heard you knock.

Knee. Knee it out.

I'm going to get some and play Martian,
too.

Uncle Martin, your mouth is open. I
know. I opened it. Did you hear what

little boy said? He's going to run right
out and make us some antennas. It's a

revolting idea, but I doubt that it will
come to anything.

His mother's hardly likely to permit him
to use their television antenna.

I suppose you're right.

And would you mind taking off those
silly things?

If there's anything I hate, it's a cheap
copy.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, at least that worked.

Now do you think he can get your antenna
down?

I don't know.

I've never faced this problem before.

Suppose they stay stuck like that
forever.

Bite your tongue.

Oh, Uncle Martin, look, we're not even
sure the steam will turn the trick.

Doesn't do much for lobsters either.

More.

Uncle Martin, you're getting redder.
Just turn.

Turn.

103.

104.

105.

106.

107. Anything?

If anyone had told me a hundred years
ago that this was going to happen to

I may have to spend the next 250 years
in this condition.

Don't worry, Uncle Martin. I'll take
care of you somehow.

Thank you, Tim.

I'm very touched.

However...

You'll have to will me to your son, your
grandson, your great -grandson, and

your great -great -grandson, and... Oh,
yeah.

I never thought of that.

Handed down from one generation to
another like an old high boy or a

rocking chair.

An antique.

Oh, don't say that, Uncle Martin.

There's got to be an answer. I know
there is.

Antenna!

Antenna? Let me see.

Well, no antenna.

How about a nice pogo stick?

Purpley hop, hippity hop, hippity hop,
hippity... No.

Pinball.

Shoot it, tilt, the lights go on, and a
big siren goes off.

I'm sorry, I don't have a toy antenna,
boys.

Where'd you see them?

Tim O 'Hara and his Uncle Martin.

Why don't you ask them where they got
them?

They didn't get them. They made them.
Made them? Out of TV antenna.

Wow.

And all the kids want them?

Made them, huh?

Tell you what, boys.

I'll look into it. You come back in a
couple of days, and we will see what we

will see. All right?

Milton Surplus?

Barnaby here.

Listen, Milton, have you still got that
shipment of TV antennas you got stuck

with?

Right.

What about those metal sleeve bands?

Right. Paper and business.

Yeah, how's this for a slogan?

Be a Martian.

Chilling myself.

Why?

Because I think I'm a dry martini.

Sorry.

I thought I would try reducing the body
temperature.

It's an act of desperation.

I don't want to upset you any more than
you are.

Nothing could make the situation any
worse than it is.

Well, you haven't been out of the house
for a few days.

Well, I hardly think it would be politic
to...

To exhibit myself in this condition.

Yeah. Uncle Martin, half the kids in
town are now wearing antenna.

They're what?

Wearing antenna. You know.

Revolt. Revolting? How would you like to
have some physical characteristic of

yours? Imitated and ridiculed.

Yeah, I guess that is pretty revolting.
And humiliating.

And demeaning.

Is there something else?

Yes. Well, out with it.

Out with it. I can't read minds, you
know. Not anymore.

I, uh... I got a call at the office
today.

That's it.

That's what? The call.

You see, I told them to call me here at
home tonight.

Well?

Answer it.

It's for you.

Everyone can read minds but me.

This is Martin O 'Hara.

Yeah?

You what?

Oh.

That was Minute Magazine.

They want to do a story on me with
pictures.

It seems that I'm the inventor of a fad
that's sweeping the nation.

It's bigger than the hula hoop.

Who asked for your opinion?

It's not working.

Obviously.

What are we going to do about Minute
Magazine?

You know, we can't go on stalling them
indefinitely. They'll become suspicious.

Well, I don't see why they should become
suspicious.

There are times when I find you
remarkably naive.

In your society, if a man invents or
produces something, what's the first

that he does?

Advertises, I guess.

Right. And if the opportunity presents
itself to get a lot of free publicity

the man doesn't take it, what does that
make him?

A nut?

Well, I wouldn't put it quite that way,
but that's the idea.

Now, if I permit the magazine to do a
spread on me, I'll get a lot of

I don't want.

If I don't permit them, they will become
intrigued.

Oh, and... and then you'll just get a
lot of publicity anyway.

Oh, I beg your pardon. It's the peanuts
now.

What? Go down the wrong way?

You're... You're... Look, look, look,
look.

Down!

Down! Yeah, way down!

Upon the Swanee River Far, far away How

did it happen?

You mean you don't know? Well, it
chagrins me to admit it, but no, I don't

What happens when my radio goes on the
blink? You mean when it stops playing?

Yeah, that's right. What do I do? You...
You kick it. You kick it a sudden jolt.

A sudden jolt, just like that hiccup you
had down there. And then what happens

finally? It makes the connection, and it
works. It works!

I haven't felt this hungry in days.
Well, come on. We'll go out and have a

steak. With onion rings.

With everything. We'll celebrate.

We'll celebrate.

Yes.

Mr. O 'Hara?

Yes. I'm Barnaby. This is my attorney,
Mr. Smythe.

How do you do? How do you do?

Can we come in?

Yes, please do.

Uh, sit down, please.

Oh, thank you.

I, um, I'd like you to meet my Uncle
Martin.

This is just the man we want to see.

Why?

Let me handle it.

Mr. O 'Hara, we understand that you are
the inventor of the new game, Be a

Martian.

Oh, well, it, uh, was nothing.

Some nothing.

Ever since Horace came in and asked for
an antenna.

You do know Horace, don't you? He
certainly knows you.

Oh, I know him well.

He's a living doll.

Yes, yes, of course. Well, at any rate,
Mr.

Barnaby has a proposition for you.

What kind of a proposition?

A very lucrative one, I might say.

Mr. Barnaby is manufacturing the item.

That's before I knew I had the right
to... Until...

I've informed him he'd better clear it
with you. You see, Mr. Barnaby wishes to

triple or even quadruple his output.

It's like a mission. In the next six
months, there won't be a kid from the

-bound coast of Maine to the sunny
shores of California that won't be

antenna. It'll be as big as a... Don't
say it.

No, no, my uncle isn't interested in Mr.
Barnaby.

Well, then he should have no objections
in turning over his rights to us.

For an equitable settlement, of course.

Tell him about the patent. Yes, yes.

Well, now then, in order to protect his
investment, Mr. Barnaby wishes to patent

the item.

Naturally, you'll be given credit as the
inventor, of course.

Was there anything wrong, Mr. O 'Hara?
No, no, no. Why don't you just... You

leave the papers here, and we'll have my
attorney check them.

Well... Fine, fine.

Yeah, but don't wait too long. We don't
want anybody else to beat us to the

punch.

Good night.

Good night.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Why do you keep a goat in your
apartment?

Well,

we just got to stop Barnaby from
patenting that thing. Because if he

there'll be a record of the patent
office in Washington.

And then the tax people are going to
come down here and want to check our

And then your presence will be
officially established.

Then they'll discover that you don't
have a birth certificate.

You don't have a social security number.

You don't even have a driver's license.

And if they take my fingerprints,
they'll discover I don't have those

Where are you going?

No place.

What are you doing?

I always think better lying down.

What are you doing?

Sit down.

Okay.

What are you, uh, what are you doing?
Solving our problem.

You mean it? Of course I mean it.

Wishful thinking, double talk, and
childish boasting are strictly Earth

characteristics. We are going to discuss
human nature.

Well, you know, Uncle Martin, I, uh, I
really enjoy our philosophical

discussions, but right now, don't you
think you ought to tell me exactly how

solved our problem?

I'll simplify it and illustrate how I
have solved our problem.

Good, because I don't think we can stall
Barnaby much longer about the patent.

We won't have to.

I begin.

We will begin by considering human
nature.

What? With the emphasis on human.

Okay. Well, let me put it this way.

What do you know about fads?

Fads? Fads.

Well, I know they sweep the country.

And how is a fad terminated?

Ended? I don't know.

Well... I do.

You do? Yes, I do. I most certainly do.
Oh, I can remember the Big Apple and

college boys wearing raccoon coats and
swallowing goldfish.

But to get to the case in point, the
only way to end a fad is to replace it

another.

Well? Oh, I'm following you.

But I'm not getting any place.

Oh, illiterate.

What if suddenly there wasn't a solitary
child interested in playing Martian

anymore?

Well, all the kids would take their
antenna and...

Throw them in the toy box.

And forget about them.

Right. And Barnaby would have no market
for his antenna and subsequently no

reason to manufacture them. And ipso
facto, no reason to patent the device.

Minute magazine would not be interested.

Uncle Martin, you're a genius.

Even on Mars, I'm rather highly thought
of.

What's the plan?

I am going to initiate a new fad.

It works on the drawing board, and
there's no reason why it shouldn't work

practical application.

It's inexpensive, it's easy to make, and
it's unpatentable. And if I know human

nature, and I do, in 24 hours Antenna
will be a glut on the market. Now, uh, I

will need the following supplies.

You'll see.

Kid stuff.

I don't recall inviting you to be an
observer.

Clothespin, please.

All right.

Rubber band.

Ah, now.

The moment of truth.

Tighter.

Tighter.

Tighter. What for?

Tight, but not too tight.

The principle, the same as that applied
to a model airplane.

What's it do?

It's called a nose mobile, and anyone
can make one.

All right, now, open your mouth.

Take off.

The planet Earth is divided into two
parts.

One adult, one child.

And to understand the workings of a
child's mind, you don't have to be a

Martian. But it helps.