Original subtitles

No, just a little feathering on this end, Uncle Martin.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, you could save an awful lot of wear and tear on that finger if we'd

put a motor in here. They have invented electricity, you know.

I should know.

After all, I was with Ben Franklin the day he discovered it. As a matter of

fact, I was the one who gave him the idea for the kite.

You're quite an amazing guy.

I try not to let it show.

I wish I could show my appreciation for all you've done for me, Tim. You took me

in, you fed me, you clothed me, and now you're helping me with the spaceship.

Well, to tell the truth, my heart really isn't in it. You know, as soon as we

fix this spaceship, it's goodbye, Uncle Martin.

We better change the subject, Tim.

We Martians have a habit of doing things on a grand scale, including crying.

What is it?

A man talking to Mrs. Brown.

His mind closely resembles the downtown freeway interchange.

Him.

He's a real estate salesman.

A real estate salesman?

But where are your tools?

Mrs. Brown, I have a confession to make. I may have misled you a trifle. You

see, I'm not a plumber. I sell real estate.

Real estate?

But I phone for a plumber.

Indeed you did. And fate caused you to dial the wrong number. And it may well

have been the luckiest mistake you ever made.

With leaky plumbing?

Leaky plumbing is only a symptom, little lady. Only a symptom of an ailing

house. Why, this house could be crying out for help at this very moment.

Do you realize if your plumbing is broken down, it could well mean a number

other things are also in need of repair?

Why, your nails could be coming loose. Your furnace wasting valuable BTUs. Your

electrical system out of control. Tell me something.

Do your light bulbs burn out before they should?

Well, I did have to replace two of them just last week.

Only recently I had a client who failed to heed that warning. And do you know

what happened?

The whole roof came a -tumbling down.

We didn't want that to happen to you, would we, little lady?

Well, I wouldn't even want it to happen to those other people, and I don't even

know them. Of course you wouldn't. And I can tell just from our conversation so

far that you are too intelligent not to get out before it's too late.

Now, I can make you an excellent deal on this property. Of course, we needn't

mention all the little things that need repairing.

Well, wouldn't that be dishonest?

My goodness, if this house is that bad, I should have it condemned.

Little lady, I salute you. It is a rare thing today to find someone with all the

womanly virtues wrapped up in such a charming package.

However... Honesty is not the question.

At this point, there are many fine people who would enjoy buying a broken

house like yours merely for the joy of fixing it up. Why, it's like buying

antiques. Yes, I can see how that could happen.

Of course, it might be wise to allow me to do all the talking when we're showing

the property to a prospective buyer.

Oh, naturally. I've never sold antiques before.

He's talking her into selling this place. Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Oh, it's hard enough finding an apartment that'll take a dog or a pet or

but a spaceship?

We're in trouble.

Well, it's about what I expected, Mrs. Brown, but we'll have no trouble moving

it. I'm sure I can unload it on this couple that I have on the hook. I mean,

my list of prospects.

It'll be a fast deal. You see, your mother is on her way in from the east

and she can move right in here. Well, now, I hadn't really made up my mind to

sell, Mr. Dudley.

Sometimes my mind says do, then it says don't, and sometimes it just lies there

and doesn't say anything at all. And I don't get confused easily. Now, you know

that, Martin.

I do?

Oh.

Oh, yes, I see. Of course I do, Mrs. Brown.

There, you see?

Well, the whole world is at your feet, little lady. It's yours just for the

asking. You're young, attractive, completely free and unfettered.

Do you know what I would do if I were in your enviable position?

I would salvage what I could from this place, take the money and travel, see

world, meet interesting people, live.

But you are not in her enviable position, Mr. Dudley, and I hate to see

-pressure her into something that she's going to be sorry for later.

Are you her father?

Oh, dear, no, Mr. Dudley.

Martin's just one of my tenants.

Oh, I see.

Well, this is the first time I ever heard of a mere tenant dictating to a

landowner what she could do with her property.

You shouldn't do that, Martin.

As I was about to say, there's nothing like a world tour to make one feel

And as it so happens, I can make you an excellent deal.

You see, my brother -in -law operates a travel agency.

Let's see.

You'd leave New York on the Queen Mary, first class, of course. In a few days,

you arrive in London. And then we could route you direct to Paris. Or, if you

prefer, we could arrange a side trip to Ireland, Scotland, Wales.

Mrs. Brown, I would worry about your making a trip like that.

Why? Don't you think I'm old enough to take care of myself?

No, no, it isn't that.

Mr. O 'Hara, I don't want to ask you to mind your own business, but would you?

What's best for Mrs. Brown is our business.

Now, why don't we all stop trying to influence her and let Mrs. Brown make up

her own mind as to what is best for her? Oh, I'd like that.

I must insist, little lady, you first think about your own happiness.

Well, now, that's just the trouble. I don't know whether I'd be happy in all

those countries.

I'd be a foreigner.

Perhaps you're right.

How about a nice leisurely tour through the United States?

See America first.

Now, I can make you an excellent deal on a new or practically new car. Or, if

you prefer, I could arrange a bus tour at a ridiculously low figure.

It just happens to have a nephew who owns the bus company.

That's right. And from here I could route you direct to the Grand Canyon

we would... How did you know about my nephew?

Well, you just look like a man whose nephew owns the bus company.

Well, I don't think I'd be interested in a bus anyway, Mr. Dudley. I still have

my Edso.

Mr. Dudley, do you happen to know where I can get some good rat poison cheap?

Now, just a moment.

May I straighten you out? I didn't call Mrs.

Brown. She called me. I have half a mind to call you something myself.

When you find a whole mind, try it.

You can't talk to my uncle like that.

I wish you gentlemen wouldn't fight over me.

You're perfectly right, little lady. My humble apologies.

I'll be over later with Mr. and Mrs. Graham.

They're the couple that I told you about earlier. I'm sure this place will meet

with their approval.

Oh, by the way, you do have a garage. Oh, you parked in front of it. Oh, yes.

Well, you see, Mr. Graham has a rather large workshop, so I'm sure he'll be

particularly anxious to see the garage.

Well, don't you think you ought to get started if you're going to do what you

said?

Not till I have to. This isn't going to be easy, Tim.

Oh, that's what worries me.

Don't you think you're taking an awful chance with that spaceship? What else

I do? These people simply must not see it. That's our immediate problem.

Well, if Mrs. Brown sells her house, we're going to have an even bigger

You realize, of course, that that ship is a white elephant.

Not exactly.

If it were, I couldn't have flown it here from Mars.

Tim, you worry too much and too soon. In the first place, Mrs. Brown has not

sold the house yet. And in the second place, even if she does, we'll still

time enough to look for... Condition red.

Dudley and his clients are just turning the corner of Elm and Hillhurst.

What's new that for?

Mrs. Brown, away from here.

Oh, Tim, I was just coming up to ask you. If I have to go into escrow, would

look after things while I'm gone?

Oh, yes, of course, Mrs. Brown. Let's talk about it inside. All right.

You must be using cheap gas.

I have enough trouble driving forwards.

seen anything like that?

Rarely.

Imagine that.

That's fantastic.

I must have gotten my gears mixed up. But you must admit I didn't get mixed up

about the property, did I? Did you ever see a house more ideally suited to your

needs? Step this way, please.

You couldn't find another place closer to what you want, even if you built it

yourselves. Welcome to your future home, Mrs. Graham.

Is it always this dark?

Not in the daytime.

This is Mrs. Brown, folks, the owner of the property. And these are the very

charming people I was telling you about.

Graham's the name. How do you do?

Graham. Oh, O 'Hara.

Mrs. Graham, this is Mrs. Brown.

How do you do?

Mrs. Graham, this is Mr.

O 'Hara, one of Mrs. Brown's tenants.

How do you do?

Oh, and this is another Mr.

O 'Hara.

Uh, Martin O 'Hara.

Graham's the name.

Martin, very pleased to meet you.

Well,

now that everybody knows everybody, shall we take a look at the house?

Wouldn't you like to look at the garage first since it's open and everything?

Later.

I'm sorry, Uncle Martin. I tried.

I know you did, Tim.

And I appreciate it.

How long do you keep that thing up there?

Well, I'd hate to try to set an endurance record.

That's just dead weight hanging up there.

Uncle Mark, maybe you could ease it down on the roof.

It's too heavy.

Might crash through the shingles.

Spend all night in there?

Well, if they do, when they come out, they'll find a crushed Martian.

And as you can see, the house has just been painted and thoroughly redecorated.

Yes, just a little over three years ago.

As I said, it was practically just painted and redecorated. But it's such a

ghastly color.

Oh, the color's no problem at all, Mrs. Graham. As you can see, I have this

cousin who's a painter and decorator. I can make you a sensational deal.

Don't bother. I'm in that business myself.

Wouldn't you like to see the garage now, Mr. Dudley?

Later.

Upstairs, folks.

Right this way.

The only thing left to see is the garage.

That's right. That ain't necessary.

I know what a garage looks like.

We'll come back and look at it in the daylight.

Pleasure, O 'Hara.

Still hurt, Uncle Martin? Mm -hmm.

Up to here.

I've got this insured on Mars, but how am I going to collect for it?

Reminds me, I have a second cousin on my mother's side who sells insurance.

Well, that guy Dudley really has us in a bind.

Well, it isn't us I'm worried about.

It's Mrs. Brown.

If he sells her on some wild idea for spending the money from the house, it

really be her future she's spending. He's shrewd, that boy.

He knows that you Earth people are basically improvident.

Well, don't look at me. I have nothing to be improvident with.

Yes, but the tendency is there. And that's what he's counting on with Mrs.

Brown. That tendency that you all have to live it up today and let tomorrow

care of itself.

You always seem to forget that tomorrow inevitably becomes today and you have to

go right on living.

I noticed this shortcoming on one of my very first trips to your planet. And I

pointed it out to my friend Aesop as a theme for one of his fables.

Uncle Martin, look.

We are both agreed that Mrs. Brown shouldn't sell her property or spend her

money on a trip or something. But the question still is, what can we do about

it? Nothing.

Dudley is absolutely right.

We have no right to interfere.

Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin, I have a great idea.

Now, if we could get... That won't work, Tim.

Well, how about this? No, that won't work either, Tim.

Uncle Martin, will you please just let me finish one thought before you reach

and pluck it out of my mind? Sometimes I don't even know what I'm going to say

until I say it.

I'm sorry, Tim.

Go and open the door, will you? What?

Mrs. Brown is coming up the stairs.

Oh, well.

Come on in, Mrs. Brown. Oh, thank you. I was anxious to catch you before you

went to work.

Oh, Martin, did you hurt yourself?

Well, it's nothing serious, Mrs. Brown. It's just that I have a hangnail. Oh,

dear, those can be very painful, especially when you get them on the

Uh -huh.

Did you want to see me?

Oh, I didn't sleep a wink last night.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What was troubling you, Mrs. Brown?

Well, if I sell my house, I'll never see you boys again.

I got to thinking about what Mr. Dudley said, and he was right. I should

consider my own happiness first, and I wouldn't be happy if you boys moved away

and I wasn't here either.

Tim and I both share your sentiment, Mrs. Brown.

We've grown very fond of you as a person.

Well, does that mean that you don't want to sell your house?

Well, then there's no problem. You don't have to sell it if you don't want to.

But I signed a paper, and I paid Mr. Dudley $100 advance on the commission.

I'm afraid our Mr. Dudley is not very representative of the real estate

business. Isn't he bringing the Grahams back to look at the place?

This afternoon.

Hmm, there's an excellent feature at Grauman's Chinese.

Why don't you go to the matinee?

But I wouldn't be here to show them the house.

That's right.

Mrs.

Brown asked me to show you the house, folks. She was called away unexpectedly.

Well, thank you.

Hi.

Never mind. I know my way around. Mrs. Brown wanted me to show you. All right,

show us, but be quiet.

Mrs.

Graham, I ask you, have you ever seen more spacious, better arranged

Yes.

Perhaps you didn't notice, but these cupboards are a full three inches deeper

than average.

Mrs. Brown had them built that way to accommodate her large platters.

That's a good idea.

They're very nice.

Did Mrs. Brown tell you about the sink counter?

She recently had the entire unit rebuilt.

More cupboard space underneath and a new disposal unit.

I know Mrs. Brown intended to call a plumber.

What she needs is a piano tuner.

That's very interesting.

Used to play the Blue Danube.

Nothing to be concerned about, folks. Half a dozen washes from the dime store

will fix it. Right, this way. Let's look at the rest of the house. This way. Mr.

Graham, your dawdling.

Oh, I meant to ask Mrs. Brown last night about the television reception here.

Oh, well, I happen to know this whole area gets the finest reception in town.

Isn't that right?

I think we can say the reception is, uh, unique.

What's wrong with it? We seem to be in some strange electronic pocket here,

where we get the sound on one channel and the picture on another.

Certainly it can be fixed.

Oh, it has been fixed.

We used to get the police calls, too.

Oh, yes. Well, one feature I do want to remind you of are the closets. Now, in a

house this size, you must admit there is an abundance of closet space. Excuse

me, just a minute.

If there's one thing I can't abide, it's a crooked picture.

crooked last night.

Well, maybe we had a slight earthquake. I seem to remember something waking me

up last night.

Emily, watch.

Why did you do that, Edgar?

This whole house is out of plumb.

What does that mean?

It means that Mr. Dudley here and Mrs. Brown were trying to put over a fast

The foundation is sinking on one whole side of this place.

Mrs. Graham, wait. I have another place I know you'll like. Huh.

What shall I tell Mrs. Brown?

You can tell Mrs.

Brown that I wouldn't handle this property under any circumstances.

And you can give her this.

Oh, I would like to also give her back the $100.

what happened to mr dudley i phoned to thank him for everything but he isn't

there any longer oh i understand he went into the plumbing business with his

sister oh that reminds me that was a good show i saw it was all about this

who had trouble making up her mind but she had two friends who helped her that

sounds familiar except she was so strange do you suppose there really are

like that i wouldn't be surprised

Well, I don't know. I don't think I'd care to know her personally. She was so

scatterbrained. Oh, I'm sure she has a good many redeeming qualities.

I'm sure she does.

Does that sound to you like the Blue Danube?