All language subtitles for my_favorite_martian_s01e24_super_duper_snooper

Is that you?

Hi, good morning.

Uncle Martin, did you know that you're
invisible?

If I weren't by nature a kindly and
gentle Martian, I'd also make Mrs. Brown

disappear.

Permanently. I saw her downstairs just
now. She was acting sort of funny.

How could you tell?

Even for her, when I drove in, she was
sneaking around the corner of the garage

as though she'd been up to something.
She had.

I read her mind.

She was doing her homework.

Homework? Oh, now, don't tell me she's
on another one of her self -improvement

kicks. I was in complete agreement when
she went in for yoga, skin diving, even

Adagio dancing.

But a private eye?

Mrs. Brown?

A detective?

She's taking a correspondence course.

Now I've heard everything.

No, you haven't. Her first assignment is
to prepare a complete dossier on the

private life of some unsuspecting
subject. And guess who the unsuspecting

subject is?

Mrs. Sherlock Holmes is getting an early
start.

I don't know why I even try to read that
woman's mind. Every time I do, I get a

headache.

Tim. Tim, I have a very uneasy feeling.

Like this planet is about to be shaken
off its axis.

Or something equally unpleasant.

Uncle Martin, look, if you're worried
about Mrs. Brown, just forget it. Now,

what can she do? You have a new lock on
your garage door, and the spaceship is

safely locked up inside. She'll never
find it. Now, even if she finds your

manuscript, it reads like science
fiction.

So that's no help. And the only other
thing would be your flight log on your

trip from Mars. And that is under lock
and key.

I'd feel better if Mrs. Brown were, too.

aftershave talcum, but isn't this a
little silly?

Mrs. Brown has been dusting for
fingerprints.

On your face?

In your bedroom.

She's been snooping. You mean that she's
been in here playing detective while we

were out?

I mean exactly that.

Well, she can't do that. She just can't
go nosing around.

We pay our rent.

I'm gonna go downstairs and tell her to
stay out. First, you'll have to tell her

to get out. She's hiding in the clothes
closet.

It's in the middle of the afternoon. You
can't be sleepwalking.

Pleasant dreams.

Thank you.

Uncle Martin, I was just thinking, even
if Mrs. Brown did discover something,

she wouldn't know it. Let me remind you
that x -rays and penicillin were

discovered by accident.

And now the whole world knows about it.
Well, look, you're always saying that

you want to get back to Mars. Now, maybe
if they found out that you didn't have

a passport, they'd deport you. No, thank
you. I wouldn't care to be shot home in

one of your Earth rockets. They're too
primitive.

Not much better than one of your covered
wagons. At least you wouldn't have to

face the hostile Indians.

Nor Mrs. Brown.

Something wrong?

Uncle Martin, what is it? What's the
matter? How could I have been so stupid?

How could I have been so asininely,
incredibly, and completely stupid?

Well, you don't think Mrs.

Brown discovered your Martian flight
log. I know she found it. The drawer was

unlocked. I had it lying in there upside
down. I always do.

I underestimated her. That's what I did.
Me and my super Martian intellect.

I underestimated her.

That's not easy to do.

Well, I did it. When I found her here
taking fingerprints, I assumed that's

she was doing.

So what if she did find it? She wouldn't
understand that the whole thing is

written in Martian.

Tim, an amateur sleuth is infinitely
more dangerous than a professional.

Alexander Graham Bell would never have
invented the telephone if he had been an

expert electrician. He would have known
it was impossible.

There are times when ignorance is an
ally.

Well, do you think she knows enough to
suspect anything?

I don't know what she knows, but somehow
I've got to find out.

Well, that would be very, very simple
for you. Why don't you just go

and read her mind?

You have no idea how much I've been
trying to avoid that.

Do you know how painful that would be?

Do you have a better idea?

No, but I just have to be brave.

Can I get you a headache pill or
something?

Oh, Tim, the only pills that will touch
a headache like this are on Mars.

It isn't too bad reading Hermione in
short bursts.

It's these sustained attacks that
decimate the brain.

I've never seen you like this before.

I've never been third -degreed by Mrs.
Brown before.

Third -degreed? She was like a bulldog.

I've never seen anything like it. I was
ready to confess.

Confess, confess, I'll tell you
anything. I did it. I did it.

Couldn't you read her mind at all?

Tim, out of that welter of confusion
that lady calls her mind, I managed to

extract a few unhappy facts.

Such as?

Such as... she has a very small camera
commonly used in espionage work.

She found the flight log and she took
pictures of it.

Well, I don't think that's too serious.
The only person that could read it would

be a Martian.

Tim.

Tim.

These are suspicious times, Tim.

If Mrs. Brown's school can't break down
the log, they'll send it on to expert

cryptographers. From there, it could
very well end up in the hands of

code specialists.

And the next thing we know...

I'll be under investigation as a
suspected foreign agent.

Uncle Martin, do you remember what I
told you about not worrying?

Yes, forget it. Okay.

Oh, Martin, wait a minute. You... Oh,
hey, would you stop by the store and

up a pie for me? I'd be glad to. What
kind?

Oh, any kind, except apple, peach,
strawberry, pecan, apricot, lemon,

rhubarb. Mrs. Brown?

What's left?

Chocolate cream.

I should have known.

Naturally.

Thanks a lot.

You're entirely welcome.

What's that?

That, my boy, is a receipt for a roll of
film which Mrs. Brown left at Murphy's

Drugstore.

Tim, would you say that I was moderately
intelligent?

Well, of course.

Wouldn't you say that I was smarter than
Mrs. Brown?

Uncle Martin, practically anybody is
smarter than Mrs. Brown.

Then how do you explain this?

Out of focus, that's Mrs. Brown for you.

Well, these aren't the pictures she took
yesterday. These are the pictures she

took two months ago.

Take me home.

Uncle Martin, you don't suppose that
your thought waves got mixed up and Mrs.

Brown read your mind?

At this point, even that wouldn't
surprise me.

Oh, I'm glad I got back before you did.

Here's your pie.

Oh, thank you, Martin.

I'll bet you don't know what I'm going
to do with this. Oh, yes. Well, it seems

a long way around, but you're going to
make a pudding out of it.

Yes.

I must admit, Martin, that was a good
guess.

No guess. That was extrasensory
perception working. Oh, I don't believe

All right. You think of a secret, and
I'll try to read your mind.

Well, all right.

All right. Now, concentrate.

Concentrate good and hard.

You're going on a diet.

That isn't it. No?

Well, I would have sworn. Well, you were
wrong. It was something else entirely.

You think I should go on a diet?
Certainly not. I was going to protest

in the same breath.

Did you read her... Loud and clear.

She mailed the undeveloped film to the
correspondence group.

Well, that's that.

No, it isn't.

I'll be right there with the morning
mail.

Morning,

ma 'am, Mr. Pierce.

Fragile. Sorry, sir. I'll put them all
back.

I'll see that you do.

Yes, sir. Just as soon as I finish
delivering the mail to the rest of the

tenants.

Oh, no.

I be of service? I'm J.

Nathaniel Pierce.

Oh, how do you do, Mr. Pierce? I was
thinking of taking one of your

correspondence courses. Oh, splendid,
friend.

Splendid. A very wise decision.

Now, just which career opportunity do
you have in mind? Business

Law? Plumbing?

No, I thought I might be interested in
your private detective course.

Very, very wise choice. Oh, yes, there's
a great demand for private detectives

these days, you know. And it's very
pleasant work. Very pleasant. It keeps

out in the open air.

Takes you to exotic places.

Hawaii, Miami Beach, Sunset Strip. Very
enjoyable.

Why don't we just step right into my
private office here, where I can give

some of my personal attention.

I just happen to have a few moments of
free time right now.

I wanted to find out a little bit about
how you operate before I decided

anything, Mr. Pierce. For example, would
I send my lessons directly to this

office? Oh, yes. Yes, yes, we don't
believe in spreading ourselves too thin

around here, yes. Why don't you sit
down?

Oh, yes, well, a friend of mine was
telling me something about a small

that's being used by private
investigators. You're jumping way ahead

yourself, friend. We don't get to that
till the third lesson.

Sign right there.

The contract? First thing first. Sign
right here. Don't bother reading the

print.

Well, it's all fine print.

teach in our private investigation
course is be a jerk.

There we go.

Well, uh... No, no, no, Mr. Pierce, I
don't want to sign anything quite yet

until I find out some information,
please.

I know what you're going to say, friend.
You're going to say, how much, right?

No, no, that was not what I was going to
say. Of course you are.

And I've got good news for you.

This course is positively and absolutely
unequivocally free. There is positively

no charge.

Now, you may wonder how we can afford to
do that.

Volume, my friend.

Strictly on a volume basis.

We don't charge you one red cent for the
lessons.

However, we do make a small profit on
the accoutrements necessary for the

Like this genuine little persuader here.

And we make it as painless as possible,
too.

You see, every good private investigator
needs good equipment.

And we sell that equipment to you
practically at cost.

One piece at a time with each lesson.

Mr. Pierce, you remind me of a very good
friend of mine, Mrs. Br... I'd love to

meet her sometime. I'm sure she's a
charming woman if she's a friend of

Now, let's see, where was I? Oh, yes,
yes, yes. Now, with lesson number one,

you'll need this high -power magnifying
glass that helps you to examine personal

correspondence and other clues
concerning your subject.

Now, also, you'll need a set of these
genuine finest steel...

in case you need to restrain your
subject. This friend of mine told me

mailing in some film to be developed.

Oh, yes, that's right, that's right.
Now, with lesson number eight, you get

handy little item.

Knockout drops.

They're perfectly harmless and never
gonna waste.

In case you have a little trouble
sleeping, you can always use them on

Mr. Pierce, I hate to monopolize the
conversation, but I would like to know

happens to this film after it gets here.

Well, I... I really couldn't say
offhand, friend. I usually leave those

details to my secretary so I can devote
all my time to the client. However, the

rates are very reasonable.

You see, we're always on the lookout for
the best deal we can get so we can pass

the benefits on to you. Do you have any
idea what time your secretary will be

in? Oh, she ought to be along any...
Say, are you a cop?

Because if you are, let me tell you
something right now. No matter how many

times we've been investigated...

Nobody has ever been able to prove a
third.

I'm no policeman, I assure you.

Come in.

Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Pierce. I forgot
to ask before.

That Mrs. Brown, she did it again.
Forgot the postage.

You want to pay for it or send it back?

Send it back, send it back.

Yes, sir.

Now, let me show you our supplement.

You could disappear again.

What else is there?

Mrs. Brown. You think she'll still be a
pest?

I was thinking more about Mrs. Brown as
a person, as an individual.

Most people have two major
preoccupations in life, Tim.

Family and economic survival.

Even if you have family problems, you've
still got love.

And even if you're out of a job, you
still have hope.

Mrs. Brown has no family. And she
doesn't have to worry about her income.

Tim, she must be very lonely.

And loneliness can be a very bitter
thing.

And maybe no one has ever told her that
the only way to combat it is by being

useful, making yourself needed, finding
worthwhile things to occupy your time.

The world is full of jobs that can be
done only by people who have nothing to

give but their time.

And another thing, Mrs. Brown, don't you
realize that what you're doing could be

very dangerous?

Dangerous? Certainly.

Private investigation is a very serious
business.

These people are highly trained
specialists, and sometimes they have to

rough. Well, I must admit, Martin,
everything you've said makes a lot of

You're an attractive, gentle woman, Mrs.
Brown.

Can you imagine yourself surrounded by
half a dozen muscular brutes and trying

to fight your way out?

Oh, yeah!

Well, it looks like Mrs. Brown is her
sweet self again, thanks to you.

It was really quite simple.

Merely a matter of explaining things to
her in terms she could appreciate.

Oh, Martin!

Would you come here a minute, please?

I want to thank you for that little talk
we had the other night.

I've been thinking it over very
carefully, and you were right.

Detective work could be dangerous.

Oh, very dangerous.

I started taking judo lessons.