Original subtitles

O 'Hara residence.

Yeah, Uncle Martin?

Look, would you please look on the inside of my new plaid coat and see if

there's some notes there on that new East Asian country?

Yes. Uh -huh, the Republic of Cobima.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I remember that. I visited there 150 years ago when it was a colony and just

starting its first fight for independence.

Oh, well, look, will you bring the notes in as fast as you can?

Yeah, well, the deadline's coming up and Burns is screaming for my copy.

Well, I don't like being demoted from a respected anthropologist from Mars to a

copy boy on the Los Angeles Sun, but I'll be there.

Hello?

Oh, no, not yet, Mr. Burns.

Well, he should have been here an hour ago.

Well, I don't know, Mr. Burns. Maybe he got in an accident in the freeway or

something, but I'm worried about him.

Well, yes, Mr. Burns, I am also worried about getting the story in.

Well, now, just one minute.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Burns.

Uncle Martin, are you all right?

Of course I'm all right.

You weren't in an accident or anything?

No, no. Look what I've got.

I stopped at this little electronics factory and I picked up this transducer,

which will aid me in repairing my communication system on the spaceship.

And my notes?

Oh, yes. Oh, the notes.

Thanks a lot.

I, uh, I missed my deadline and Mr. Burns blew his top.

I'm sorry, Tim.

Look, Uncle Martin, I don't ask a lot of you.

But I needed this, and you let me down.

Well, I hope that you and your transducer will be very happy.

Because I'm not.

Tim, did I ever show you a Martian card trick? Please, Uncle Martin, some other

time. They are like the card tricks students do at football games. Watch.

Will you please stop

trying to cheer me up and just sort of let me wallow in my own misery?

I really am sorry.

I know, I know you're sorry.

Forget it. And it wasn't really a big story.

It was my assignment. And that's how I make the money to pay the rent and buy

the food that we both eat.

That was a low blow.

Well, I'm feeling pretty low.

I mean, look, if you had called me, I wouldn't have stopped on the way.

Not even if you met the most beautiful girl in the world?

Thank you for a frank answer.

Did you know that Kobima was named after Jacobar's great -grandfather?

He was the first leader of the rebellion, the George Washington of his

and a very wise and great man.

Oh, how'd you know that?

We were buddies.

I'm an old, old friend of the family.

Oh, that's right, yes. I keep forgetting that you're 450 years old.

Give or take 100 years.

I used a few of my Martian tricks to get Kobima out of jail.

Warn him when he was in danger. And once we stole all the chickens the colonial

officers had collected for a curry dinner.

Jacobar's great -grandfather called me... Kokoban.

What does that mean? Chicken thief?

Miracle man.

Instead of reading tea leaves to tell a fortune, in that part of Asia, they

dropped four sticks on the ground.

The sign of Kokoban.

Whenever I drop the divining sticks, I make them form that pattern.

They still talk about me there.

I'm sort of a legend.

Yes, I bet mothers use your name to frighten their children.

Tim, I could use my influence and get you an exclusive interview with Jacobo.

Oh, well, forget it.

I don't know why he's in Los Angeles, but he's not going to see anybody.

We'll see.

I failed you once. I'm not going to do it again.

Tim, smile a little.

Well, let me help.

I wonder if that's any improvement.

Oh, come on, Uncle Martin, now cut that out.

I would like to see Jacob.

He is seeing no one this teen, sir.

I will tell him that a friend of his great -grandfather is here.

All right, now, put me down. Put me down.

would still like to see Yakovar. Would you tell him that Kokoban himself is

here? Wait here a moment, esteemed sir.

That's better.

All right, what are you doing? Will you please put me down? I just finished

talking.

No, no, no, no, no.

Not that again.

Hold out your hand, please.

Now, show that to Jacob.

I will wait here.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Yakubar will see you immediately, respected sir.

Let's get the formalities over with.

Yakubar will see you in a moment.

Yes, as soon as he is through studying me from behind that screen.

He's looking to see if my hands tremble, how frequently I blink my eyes, and

wondering what I want from him that he isn't going to give me.

You are quite right, Mr... Martin O 'Hara.

Mr. O 'Hara, you will forgive the precautions. I am accustomed to being

constantly on my guard.

As your great -grandfather said, he who draws his sword against the ruler must

throw away the scabbard.

He did say that.

So it is written, Excellency.

Sit down, Mr. O 'Hara.

Well, you have done a remarkable job of research.

This quotation from my revered great -grandfather is sending in the matches

arranged just as they fell from the hand of the legendary Coco Barn.

Unfortunately, I do not believe such a man ever existed.

I assure you he does.

That is, he did exist.

He, uh, he was my great -grandfather.

What is it you want, Mr. O 'Hara?

I want to give you some advice.

My great -grandfather also said, advice is less necessary to the wise than to

fools, although the wise get the most advantage from it. And my great

-grandfather said, advice is least heeded when most needed.

I will read your divining sticks for you.

I should warn you, Mr. O 'Hara, I am not a superstitious man, and I pay no more

attention to these than I would to a reading of tea leaves.

I see by the sticks that you are thinking about the oil discovered in

how to make the best use of it.

You hope to have an American company build an oil refinery there.

You seem to be paying more attention than you would to a tea leaf reading.

Your advice, please?

I also see that the years of hiding in the hills have left a mark on you.

You are still doing things in secrecy long after the necessity for it has

I suppose that is true.

It is always good to have a newspaper man on your side.

As a friend of Kobima, I would like to bring one here to get the story directly

from you.

I see.

He is honest, he is intelligent, he is conscientious, and he is my nephew.

Bring him here at two o 'clock.

Thank you.

I told Mr. Burns I had an exclusive interview with Yakovar, and he was

delighted. Well, did he give you a bonus? I said he was delighted, not

delirious.

He's thinking happy thoughts. Oh, they're the best kind.

More happy thoughts.

Oh, you are great.

Your Excellency, this is my nephew, Tim O 'Hara, the Los Angeles Sun.

How do you do, sir?

Your uncle is a very clever man.

Well, he speaks very well of you, too, sir.

Yes.

He quite had me fooled at first.

Oh, is that right?

Then I realized what was wrong.

Nothing was wrong. Everything I said was absolutely accurate.

Too accurate, Mr. O 'Hara?

If the stories had been passed down in your family for over 150 years, would

they not have been changed a little?

But they weren't. Oh, I can explain that.

No, I guess I can't.

Throw them both out.

Well, you can't do that. I mean, what about my editor? You did promise me an

interview. We have just had it.

I'll be back to see you. I think not, but give my regards to your superiors.

Happy thoughts, huh? Sure, they knew they were going to throw us out.

What?

Believe me, Tim, everything was all set.

It's just that Yakovar still has a suspicious mind of an outlaw. He'll ruin

country. He's already ruined me. Now I've got to call Mr. Burns and tell him

flubbed again. Oh, wait, give me a chance to get back in there again and

Yakovar. No, thanks. Now I'm going home. Are you going with me? No, maybe I can

do something.

Well, listen, don't do anything more for me because I can't stand it. Maybe

another quotation from his great -grandfather would convince him. I have

little quotation that I made up. When you have a Martian for a friend, who

enemies?

You signaled for me to come in.

No, you knocked.

No. I heard you.

Well.

Yes.

You knocked.

You signaled for us to come out.

I did not touch the door.

Stop.

That is the signal for us to wait out here.

How did you get in here? I slipped in while your men were distracted and

them out.

Wherever you are, you must know that I am not afraid of dying. Of course you're

not afraid of dying. You've faced it too many times.

Don't bother to look behind that pillow for the gun.

It has slipped way down into the couch.

Dagobah, look what's behind you.

You see, I meant that what's behind you now are all those years of being a

fugitive. living in the hills, not trusting anybody.

That was necessary to stay alive.

My point is that you have won your fight, but you are still acting like a

leader. Your great -grandfather was a man of dignity, except for that time he

and Kokoban stole back all those chickens.

Mr. O 'Hara, what do you want?

I wanted that interview for my nephew, but now I'm worried about you and the

future of Kobima.

Like a lot of other people who were struggling for something, you have

yourself to take failure after failure and keep on fighting.

The one thing that you have not prepared yourself for is simply success.

But I have succeeded.

Then why all this secrecy and distrust?

Jacobo, it's time for you to stop being a rebel and start being a statesman.

Mr. O 'Hara, I am about to have a final meeting with the people who have

contracted to build our oil refinery.

Come back at four o 'clock.

Bring your nephew.

I wish you the best of luck

You've got to come back.

Think it over and I'll wait here in the coffee shop until four o 'clock in case

you change your mind.

Well, you better find a waitress who will keep filling your cup because I'm

never going to change my mind.

All right.

Well, yes, I know that, Mr. Burns, but... But, Mr. Burns, he

didn't have anything to do with it.

Will you please stop calling him my nutty uncle?

Now, every family has its share of kooks. I mean, Uncle Martin does have

good qualities.

Some days.

Well, yes, I know, Mr. Burns.

All right, Mr. Burns, I know, and I'm very, very sorry.

All right.

Goodbye.

has reduced to sea reporters there are rumors of secret conferences and

the wildness of which is that a cure for the common cold has been discovered in

an extract from an exotic plant that grows only in this newly created East

republic.

Are you everywhere? Will you please stop bugging me?

Who's a quitter?

Well, I changed my mind. Yes, I was hoping you would, but I knew there was

nothing I could do about it. Now, Uncle Martin, you are sure that this time...

This time, I'm sure. Come on.

Uh, look, before we just charge into the lion's den, would you mind reading the

zookeeper's mind?

Very well.

What, Martin, what? I'm getting feelings of anger, hostility, and resentment.

That did it.

Yakovar changed his mind. Come on, let's go.

No, no, no.

Something's gone wrong.

But we've gone this far. We may as well go all the way.

When we get closer, I'll probe a little further.

Yakovar is expecting us.

Well? His feet hurt. The laundry starched his socks.

Why?

Same laundry.

I'm sorry, no.

You will not have my decision until I am ready.

Well, it looks like his meeting didn't go too well.

Goodbye.

Mr. O 'Hara and Mr. O 'Hara.

I understand that you are ready to make your announcement, sir?

Perhaps.

Your meeting went well, I trust.

These are the contracts with Mr. Lewis.

of the Parsons Company, to build a modern automated oil refinery in Cobima.

I have looked over them very carefully, and they worry me.

You are a wise man, sir.

Will you glance at them, please?

Uh, no peeking.

Excuse me. Here.

You carried a whole novel just by standing in line in the supermarket.

Now, what are you worried about?

I, um...

I can't find the loopholes.

That's because there aren't any.

But how can that be?

They know that an unfair contract would cause them more trouble than the

advantages would be worth.

If I didn't know better, I would almost think that you were the real Kokoban,

who, according to legend, disappeared into the sky over 150 years ago.

Well, now I will give you the entire story for your paper. Will you sit down,

Mr. O 'Hara?

Well, I think I'd better be going.

Before you do, will you allow me to apologize for my attitude, for the

inconvenience I've caused both of you?

I'm sure this has not been an easy day for you.

That's true.

I think I could say that I've practically worked my fingers to the

Goodbye.

Yakubar, the first president of the newly independent country of Kobima,

afternoon signed contracts for the first of three ultra -modern oil refineries.

The income from them will ensure its future as a model East Asian democracy.

And it goes on and on. All the wire services picked it up.

Congratulations, Tim.

You know, it didn't start out very well, but this day has really turned out to

be quite a success.

There's an interesting saying about success.

Oh, another pearl of wisdom from, uh... Yakovar's great -grandfather? No, from

another reporter who called himself Mark Twain. He said, all you need in this

life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

Oh, what do I need?