Original subtitles

Up, boy. Up, up, up.

Oh, come on now.

I'm exhausted.

I'm beat.

Poop.

Tim. Tim.

Tim.

Tim.

It's your day off.

What's the idea of letting me sleep in all day?

Amazing how much energy you Earth people have when you're not working.

Don't tell me all you Martians love to work. Absolutely. But then, of course,

do have a five -day weekend.

I play it. Golf is work.

Well, forget golf. Today we're going to commune with beauty.

Oh, I'm for that.

Who is she?

You and I are going to the museum.

The museum?

You said that as though you were swallowing vinegar.

It's not that, Uncle Martin. It's just that I don't happen to be particularly

partial to collections of old bones and broken -down crockery. It isn't age that

makes them important, Tim. It's the fact that they've withstood the test of

time.

Voices from the past have lessons for us, if we have ears to listen. I hear

them. And you know what they're saying?

What? Go back to bed.

Tricky, aren't you?

18th century Ivy League.

Culture is like spinach.

Once you forget it's good for you, you can relax and enjoy it.

Feast your eyes.

Rembrandt's The Night Watch.

Not bad.

Not bad. It's a masterpiece.

All except the lower left -hand corner.

I told Remy he had too much burnt sienna on his palate. You told Rembrandt?

You forget I'm 450 years old and that I visited this planet many times before.

Yes, but you talk as though you were looking over Rembrandt's shoulder when

did that. That would have been impossible.

I

would

have been in the center, but I came late that day.

Martin, from now on, if you tell me, you pose for the Mona Lisa.

I'll believe it. Of course I didn't pose for the Mona Lisa, but I did tell her

the joke that made her smile.

Hey, could you tell me? You see, I have a date tomorrow night that... That's

strange.

I'm getting the most turbulent thought waves.

Someone around here is very unhappy.

Yeah, that's me. I want to get out of here.

It's that man over there.

Well, he looks perfectly normal to me. On the outside.

Inside, his brain is going like a boiler factory.

Hmm.

Very interesting.

Oh. Come on now, Uncle Martin. You know it's not polite to enter people's heads

without knocking.

What was he thinking? He was moving so fast I couldn't zero in on him. But I

get this.

He's curator of the museum.

Yes. And he's concerned about something he's done.

Something involving the museum.

Was it very serious?

Serious.

His thought waves were coming through at 49 cephalocycles. Anything over 30 is

panic button.

I have a feeling there's a story here for your newspaper.

You in?

Can't hear?

I'm Martin O 'Hara. How do you do? I've come to compliment you on your exhibit.

Oh, thank you.

Won't you sit down? Thank you.

I've been curator here for 30 years.

Frankly, this doesn't happen very often.

30 years.

My, you've spent a great part of your life here. Yes, I have. In fact, some of

my friends think I'm so old I ought to be on display here myself.

Mr. Canfield, with your permission, I'd like to sketch your face. The character

lines intrigue me.

Oh, you're very kind, but I only think of them as wrinkles myself.

However, if you insist.

Mr. Canfield, relax and think of something. Anything at all. The first

that comes to mind.

There you are. Thank you very much. I'm sorry I took so much of your time.

Well, if I didn't know better, I'd swear this has been done by a pupil

of Rembrandt.

Hello? Oh, hello, Mr. Bromley.

How nice to speak to the chairman of the board.

You did what?

He said that?

He's doing that.

Well, sir, now, how do you like our Cleopatra?

Oh, very nice, but somehow I prefer her on a wide screen.

I'm not in that one.

Oh, oh, listen. What was wrong with the curator?

Did he have moths in his mummies? He bought a very rare piece of Egyptian art

for $50 ,000.

Over 4 ,000 years old. I had a used car like that once.

Even I haven't ever seen this piece of art.

It's the work of Menhoptic the Younger. What team did he play for?

He was the royal sculptor to Queen Nefertiti.

I suggest you call your boss and tell him to hold space for a scoop. My motto,

never argue with a Martian.

Matt?

Don't uncover that new piece till you hear from me.

Oh, is there anything wrong, Mr. Canfield? Yes, I've just had a call from

board.

They must think I'm slipping or getting too old.

Well, I told Mr.

Burns that I had a yarn coming up.

Why, that's downright humiliating.

Uncle Martin, do you hear something that I don't?

Poor Mr. Canfield. The chairman of the board is bringing in an outside expert

for another opinion on his new acquisition.

Well, that's great. That adds a little drama to the story. No, I'm afraid you

couldn't print that, Tim.

If Mr. Canfield is wrong, we'd be holding him up to public ridicule. Oh,

I guess you're right. I'm sorry. I know I promised you, but until Mr. Expert

authenticates the piece, we'll have to hold up the story.

Sorry, gentlemen, but it's closing time.

Well, there's something we still have to see.

I'm sorry, but Saturday we close at two.

Now, Uncle Martin, look.

If I'm going to write a story, I have to see the statue. I'm way ahead of you.

Keep that guard away from the door. Well, how?

May I speak to you for a minute?

I just wanted to say that I, uh, will see you tomorrow.

Matt? Do you know what the board are doing?

No. Just because I didn't get an outside opinion, they're calling in an expert

to check on my judgment. How old does a man have to get before people realize he

knows what he's doing?

Well, it's just a technicality, Mr. Canfield.

But above all people in the world, why should they call in a man like Pietro

Donati to examine a statue?

Pietro Donati.

What's the matter? Something wrong?

No, nothing. I once wrote a scathing article about Donati and proved him

You know, Matt, I don't want to boast, but I'm just as much an expert as he is.

What's the matter with you? Is there something wrong?

No, no, nothing, nothing really.

Matt, I think you should see a doctor.

Yes, maybe I should.

What was under the drape, leg man?

Well, as an ancient philosopher once put it... Oh, no. When you start quoting

ancient philosophers, I'm dead.

You goofed.

A rather inelegant way to put it. I prefer to think that I, uh... Uh...

goofed. I'm sorry.

But every time I went to look under the drape to look at the statue, that guard

was staring at it like a house detective at a beauty contest.

No, don't leave. I, uh... I forgive you.

Thank you. I'll stay.

That's right, Mr.

Burns. I thought I had a story, but I'm afraid it conked out on me.

Well, I knew you'd understand.

Well, you just keep the presses rolling and I'll see you tomorrow.

Now try it with your hand off the button.

I'm only brave on dry runs.

If I hadn't said I'd get you that story.

Uncle Martin, I have no complaints after all the times that you've helped me.

Why didn't I think of it?

There is a way of seeing under that cloth.

There's an old Martian saying.

If the mountain won't come to Mohammed, Mohammed can go to the mountain. An old

Martian saying?

The next thing you'll be telling me is that you invented the hot dog. No, but

invented the mustard in the bun.

With my powers, why can't I... Of course!

You could float the thing over here and then we could take a picture of it. And

if it's authentic, you've got your story and Mr. Canfield's a recognized expert.

Well, it's all yours. Now, come on.

Fidget the digit.

It's not that simple. There's a little matter of distance.

Well, let's get going. Come on, I'll drive you to the mountain.

Now, when I get the guard to open the door, you keep him occupied while I slip

inside. All right, start slipping.

open the door, I'd like to talk to you. We don't open the doors at night.

What do you want?

Well, I just wanted to remind you that I'll see you tomorrow.

Well, couldn't you get through that peephole?

Tim, even invisible, I'm a grown Martian, not Tom Thumb.

Well, maybe there's a window open somewhere.

Well, let's see.

Clothes tighter than a drum.

Boy, am I sweating out this story.

That's an excellent suggestion.

Well, thanks.

What'd I say? The perfect Earth response.

It's when you people don't try that you're at your best.

If you're trying to confuse me, you win.

I'm going to get that guard to sweat it out, too.

All I have to do is levitate the thermostat up to hot.

Then he's bound to open the window for some air. And when he does, zingo.

I levitate the statue out of the window.

Well, why don't you just open the window and... And bring on the police?

There's a burglar alarm on each window.

I'll have to get the guard to turn them off.

Boy, I sure get great ideas, don't I?

Only when you don't try.

Now, let's see. The window to the Egyptian room is over there.

All right.

Stand by for Operation Heat Wave.

i wish i had a dozen of these wish i had one

What now?

What's the matter with that? The statue! It's gone!

Gone? It flew out the window!

Oh, no. You're just tired. That's what it is. It's natural for men of our age.

Maybe you dozed off and walked in your sleep.

Perhaps you took it to some other part of the building.

Maybe... Maybe that's what happened. I'm sure...

Statues don't fly.

Of course they do.

Let's go and have a look.

Over

4

,000 years old.

In better shape than my cousin Fred.

And he's only 60.

Please be serious.

You're in the presence of a genuine menhoptic. I wish you could appreciate

excited menhoptic was about doing this statue.

You knew him. Yet I thought you said you'd never seen the statue before.

I didn't. But I read menhoptic's mind over 4 ,000 years ago when he was first

thinking of doing the piece. I also thought you said you were only 450 years

old. 450 Martian years.

Each year consisting of 300 weeks.

Each week made up of 8 ,672 days.

Must be murder when relatives drop in for a weekend.

A man has to be pretty fast with a fork.

Uh -oh, trouble.

The window's closed.

And I don't think they'll fall for that thermostat trick again.

Oh, well, why don't we just, you know, leave it in front and run like bunnies?

It is my responsibility to get that statue right back on that pedestal where

took it from.

Oh. Well, I suppose you're just going to knock on the front door, and then when

the guard opens the peephole... Did I say something brilliant again?

You're great when you don't try.

What did I say? We're going to knock on the door. But they don't open the front

door at night. Not even if they see Menhoptic's statue sitting out front?

a big statue between the gate and the pedestal.

Police department?

This is Mr. Canfield.

It's back!

Oh, please, John, please!

Watch back! The statue! It's back!

There it is. It flew right in the...

I think you're due for a vacation.

A long one.

When the board hears this, maybe I'll join you both.

Matt. Matt.

Do you see what I see?

I sure do.

Mr. Canfield!

Ah, not until I get it back on the pedestal where it came from. We Martians

to be neat.

This time it's really back.

That's right. I saw it, too.

Are you sure?

Yes, sir.

We saw it with our own eyes.

Come on, Mr.

Canfield.

Sit down, friends.

Sit down.

We're at the end of the trail.

Don't try to kid me.

You're not there.

Maybe you think you are, but you're not.

Now he's talking to himself.

Dear old man, please don't. I... I...

It's back!

It's back!

Please, Mr. Canfield, don't you start that. One of us is enough.

There you are. You know, I was just thinking. What?

Well, if you can't be brainy, the next best thing is to have a Martian uncle.

you turn into a cheerleader?

No, no, no, no. Not that kind of Ra. My Ra is spelled R -A.

Oh, well, you're a great speller. Good night, Uncle. Ra is the symbol for the

Egyptian sun god.

Menhoptic chiseled it on everything he produced.

What do you want me to do? Send him a thank you note? When we had the statue

here, I was so thrilled at seeing it that I forgot to look for the Ra sign.

If that sign isn't on the statue somewhere, it's not the real thing. Then

Canfield's job is in danger.

Exactly. That poor man.

Well... I'll think of something.

Let's go back to bed.

Rah, rah.

I think you're worrying about nothing.

This Mr.

Donati probably never even read your article showing him up to be a boob.

I hope so.

There he is.

Ah, Mr. Donati.

What a great pleasure it is to be in the presence of such a great expert.

That is not what you wrote in that article years ago, my friend.

What article?

Now, where is this so -called Menhotek?

Not so -called.

The real thing.

Here it is.

As you can feel, you have been, how

do you say?

But it must be a monetic.

It was found in the tomb of Nefertiti.

And the chisel strokes and the subject matter are all absolutely

True, it has everything except the most important, the symbol of Ra.

Yes, I know that, but my heart tells me.

Think with your head, my friend, not your heart.

Some expert.

I beg your pardon?

You wouldn't know a genuine menhoptic from a clay pigeon in a shooting

You are talking to Donati, who... Who forgot to scrape under the left wing to

look for the sign of Rob.

I did look. There was no... But you didn't scrape.

Centuries of burial leave a residue that may have covered the symbol.

Mon Dieu.

Monsieur Canfield.

Monsieur Canfield.

The mark of Ra. She is there.

She is? I mean, it is?

Right here.

I knew it was genuine. I couldn't find the sign.

Neither could I until he told me. He who?

He him.

But he was just there.

Nobody could have been there. The doors were locked with a guard outside.

But I spoke with him. He had blonde hair and... The door is locked?

Yes, sir.

Oh, I must be getting old.

Okay, don't let that worry you, sir. You're only as old as you feel, you

As young as you feel you mean.

Now, how about that?

Two full columns.

And a byline.

We did yourself proud, my boy.

Hello.

Well, thanks, Mr. Burns. I'm glad you liked it.

What?

I am?

Well, that's just great.

Thanks,

Mr. Burns.

Well, if you liked it, why the prune face?

He liked it so much, he just appointed me special culture editor.

You know what my first assignment is right now?

What? I've got to cover the opera.

Tim?