Original subtitles

It's there.

It's really there. I'll be a Venusian's uncle. It's really there.

Do all Martians talk to themselves like you? Or just you?

What is it? Star?

Moon?

Oh, look where Mars is. Mars is deviating from its normal orbital

only happened once before in history.

Oh. Well, what does it mean?

I mean, it looks close. Very close. I'll tell you what it means. It means that

within the next 18 hours, I can get back to her on my spaceship.

Hmm. Well.

Bon voyage.

Thanks.

Uncle Martin, are you serious?

If I'm ready first thing in the morning, I have 12 hours.

12 hours?

My spaceship has just enough tension to make this flight.

I don't believe it. Goodbye, Tim.

Just like that?

Just like that.

Tim, you knew it had to happen someday.

I'm a prisoner down here. Mars is my home.

Home?

Are you sure you can make it? I mean, your spaceship.

As easy as going on your freeways.

Easier. There'll be no traffic in the interchanges.

Mars is in direct orbit. The skies are clear.

I take off at dawn.

Parting is such sweet sorrow, Bill Shakespeare.

I wrote that line for him.

Uncle Martin, if you're serious, I mean, if you're really serious, I'll always

remember this trip to Earth, Tim, more than the others.

I'll always remember your friendship.

Goodbye.

It's really hard to know what to take back to Mars and what to leave here.

There's so many wonderful souvenirs.

Well, I'd mail them to you, but the postage is murder.

I really shouldn't be taking any of this stuff back with me.

My spaceship will just barely make it without any extra weight.

You sure you can make it now? I mean, you're positive everything's going to be

all right? Oh, yeah, everything's going to be all right, especially if I can

leave within the next ten hours.

Well, what are you going to tell them when you get back there? I mean, they're

going to want to know, you know, where you've been and why you've been gone so

long. Well, I'll just explain to them what happened. The spaceship broke down.

Hmm. Well, maybe they'll think you're defected.

To Earth?

Hardly. Why would a Martian want to defect to Earth?

Elizabeth Taylor, Brigitte Bardot, and Sophie Lerner. Well, it's mere baubles

when you consider the beauties on Mars.

You should take me back with you.

You, uh... You're really gonna go, huh?

Remember this?

When you took me to my first Earth nightclub?

Yeah. The tables were one on top of the other.

Could hardly move.

And you remember this?

When I won the twist contest at the Peppermint West.

We've had a lot of good times together, Uncle Martin.

We certainly have.

In fact, I'm going to miss you, Uncle Martin.

I'm going to miss you, Tim.

No, I... I mean, you've been around a long time.

I'm going to miss you.

And I'm going to miss you.

Now, will you go on back into the room and finish dressing?

It really is bad taste for two grown men to stand staring at each other crying.

Elvis Presley.

I gotta take him back.

Dickey do and the don'ts. They wouldn't believe it without proof.

My personally autographed baseball from Bo Balinski.

With his picture engraved on it.

Loverboy magazine.

Well, I'll have trouble getting through customs.

But I'll explain to them that it's educational matter.

All set?

Yeah.

Ten hours on the buttons.

I've got plenty of time.

What am I going to tell Mrs. Brown?

What do you have to tell Mrs. Brown? Well, I'm going to have to tell her

you are. I mean, you just kept me missing. I've got to say something. What

going to tell her?

Well, tell her I took a vacation.

Tell her I went to the Orient to take the geisha baths.

She'll expect a postcard.

From the geisha baths?

You know Mrs. Brown.

Tim, you go on downstairs and open the garage door and make sure that no one

sees the spaceship. Let's not worry about Mrs. Brown.

Okay.

I've got to get my diary.

I'll be right down. I've got all my notes and thoughts on my experiences

Sentiment. I had to come down to Earth.

to learn sentiment.

Clear?

Clear.

You're wallowing in cheap, maudling, sentimental, earthling soap opera.

How... All right, Uncle Mark, are you all right?

I must have turned my ankle.

Help me up.

I must have sprained it. Then you can't go.

I can go. I can fly it with one foot. Come on.

Don't make a move!

I'm loaded with insurance.

Now, don't make a move. I've got you covered. Please, Mrs. Brown. I don't

to be covered. I'm perfectly all right. I just turned Michael. Tim, help me.

Don't touch him. He shouldn't be moved.

He's going to sue me. It says so in my policy. Please, Mrs. Brown. I have a

important appointment.

I'm not going to sue you, Mrs. Brown.

I'm perfectly all right. Tim, please, Mrs. Brown, let Tim help me. I'm on a

schedule. It's all covered in my policy.

My time schedule is not covered in your policy. Believe me, he doesn't want to

sue you. That's what you say now, but you just wait a couple of days.

What's that? Oh, ambulance. I called them. I'll be right back. I don't want

to miss our street.

I don't want an ambulance. I don't... Please, Sam. I've got to get rid of

They're cutting in on my time. I've only got ten hours left. Well, disappear!

I can't. Why not? Well, don't you think I've been trying? Here, watch.

See? What's the matter? I don't know. I can't get my antennas to go up.

When I sprained my ankle, I must have pinched a nerve. You see, the nervous

system is directly connected to the antennas. You pinched your nervous

Get those things down.

Hi.

Well, let's see what we have here now. Nothing. I accidentally fell down the

stairs. I'm perfectly all right if you would just leave me alone.

What?

It's all very good for you, Martin. Being careful of yourself and taking all

proper precautions. Young man, I didn't send for you, and I feel that this

fumbling and this hand -holding are... Spencer!

I told you so. Oh, now, he doesn't feel that bad. He's going to be all right.

I'm sorry. It's critical.

But he has to take a very important trip.

He just took one, and it was a beauty.

quiet, you've been hurt.

Is it a concussion, doctor, or a contusion? My insurance policy covers

both. Concussions and contusions and several other things that start with C.

Please, will you all lead me to my inalienable rights? Yeah, why don't you

him alone?

Move! Tim!

Now, what can I do? Now, just relax, Martin. You know, doctors can cure

these days. I know because I watch television. Doctor, doctor, I don't have

time. Oh, please, don't think that way.

It's amazing how they always seem to know.

Doctor, I would prefer you didn't use that thing on me.

Get

him in the

ambulance.

Now, don't worry about a thing. You know, your Uncle Martin looks very tired

lately. He needs a rest.

You can ride inside with him. Oh, fine, thanks.

I want to thank you so much, Doctor. You showed up so quickly. And, you know, I

am responsible as a property owner. And while I'm sure it's nothing really very

serious... Didn't you hear me? I said it was critical.

Yeah, I heard you. Critical. Now, that's under C, isn't it?

Concussions, contusions.

I'm covered.

Will you please stop all that diddling out there? I've got a very important

appointment. Now, either get me out of here or get going.

Now, just relax, Martin. And remember, no matter what happens... I know.

You've got me covered.

I don't see why I have to get completely undressed just because I've got a

sprained ankle.

Everybody gets undressed. You should see how angry they get when they just come

here for a toothache.

Oh, Uncle Martin, it's too late. You can't make it now.

Nonsense. I have plenty of time. I'll cut through the lower canals. I've never

seen so much rigmarole getting into a hospital.

They ask me all kinds of questions about all kinds of diseases.

You Earth people really are susceptible, aren't you? I have rarely seen you make

a mistake, but I think you made one this time. Did you see the look on that

intern's face? On Mars, we don't have diseases. When we are born, they give us

shot that immunizes us against all germs.

Instant help!

No! I'm going to get...

I'm going to get out of here. You can't do that. Yes, I can. You think those

silly entry forms I signed are going to keep me from returning home? Did you

fall on your head? I resent that. I am not now. I never have been and I never

will be a ding -dong. Did you see the look on that intern's face when he took

your pulse? Yes, he overacted a little bit, don't you think? You are D -O -A.

What's that? Dead on arrival. What's that? You're not alive!

Will you stop being ridiculous?

He took my pulse. My pulse rate is different than yours. What about your

temperature? You broke his thermometer. That's my temperature. Your 98 .6 is

ridiculous. I'd freeze at that level. My antennae would get icicles on them. You

are a critical case. You have an insurance claim. You cannot leave.

Yes, I can.

No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't.

How's he doing? Fine.

It's really very nice of you to visit me, Mrs. Brown, but... I'm just doing my

civic duty as a law -abiding, well -insured property owner. There's nothing

wrong with me if you just... There's nothing wrong with you? Why did they

undress you? You scurried into bed, but I saw you in your little daddy tent.

Well, they undressed everybody here, Mrs. Brown. Oh, that's nice.

Just play up the concussions and the contusions.

But he's not hurt, Mrs. Brown. That's not what Dr. Rothman says.

Who's Dr. Rothman? The doctor in charge of your case.

I've just been in conference with him to determine the extent of my liabilities.

When he read the intern's entry report on you, why, he nearly hit the ceiling.

He's coming in to examine you himself. Now, remember, no matter what he

I know.

You've got him covered.

Yes. I'll be home waiting, baking happy brownies for your return.

Where'd you go? What? Didn't you hear what she said about the doctor? Look,

there are forms to be filled out, reports to be filed. If you will stand

straight, I can walk without a limp. What about your clothes? How are we

to get your clothes? We don't. We tell them I'm a student Arab visiting with

Peace Corps.

Good morning, I'm Dr. Rothman. Oh, exercise, marvelous, but not until I

and not when you should be in bed. Doctor, my name is Martin J. O 'Hara and

have powerful friends in powerful places. I'm sure. Now just tell me in

words what the trouble is. The trouble? The trouble is I've got to get out of

here. You will, but first, back in bed.

Now, according to the report of the intern who brought you in here...

It just fell down a few stairs. That's all. I just got a twisted ankle.

Otherwise, I'm perfectly all right.

Oh, if this report were true.

But it isn't.

So, I agree. You probably are in perfect health. Wonderful. I can leave now. Not

yet. I'll be back in an hour to do your complete physical examination. Now,

remember, I did say probably.

Then you can go home.

Doctor. Could you come back in less than an hour? I have a long way to go home.

I'll try.

Let's get out of here. No, no, no.

Listen, you run out and get me a stopwatch, a hot water bottle, an ice

a bicycle pump.

A hot water bottle, a stopwatch?

I'm going to have to appear normal, earth -wise.

That's the simplest solution.

I read his mind.

He's not releasing me until I meet your physical standards.

If he comes back in one hour and gives me the examination, that leaves me four

hours to get to Mars, and I can leave here with a clean bill of health. Okay?

Hurry! Now, do you know what to get? Yeah. A hot water watch, a stop bottle,

hot stop.

I don't know how to say it, but I'll get it.

I never knew what it was to live in a world where one couldn't disappear.

I must write about that someday. The problems of visibility.

No wonder people are so neurotic.

Feel it? I can feel it. I can feel it.

Oh, that's beautiful.

That's beautiful. That's human.

Now let's do my temperature.

Mark, you don't have to wait. Read it now.

Oh, that's too high. You've got to come down. It's 118. Run down the hall. Run

down the hall. Get me some more ice water. Quick.

Ice water.

Bicycles. Oh, I'm going to form icicles.

Why did I have to be a hot Martian?

Beautiful.

98 .6.

And your pressure and pulse are equally perfect.

Thank you.

And what have you got to say, young man?

I'm sorry, Dr. Rothman. I did everything you did, but I got all different

readings. I didn't bring you in here, doctor, to have you explain your medical

bewilderments, but to show you how a patient should be checked.

I'll see you in the fluoroscope room.

Even Ben Casey misses now and then.

And they did it. You controlled your body like a human... Tim, Tim, I can't

to the fluoroscope room. The gamma rays.

I'm a Martian. I could... I could go like that.

All right, Mr. O 'Hara, will you place yourself... Oh, excuse me. Behind the

screen, please, Mr. O 'Hara. Oh!

What is it, Doctor? Mr. O 'Hara stepped on my toe. I did not. I did. Would you

please all stand still? And if the younger Mr. O 'Hara wants to stay in

please stand still. Yes, sir.

Who is on my lap? Get off of me!

Pardon, Doctor. It's very dark in here, you know.

Please, Mr. O 'Hara, stay behind the screen.

Ow! You're just moving about.

Everybody, stand still. Settle down.

Doctor, will you please take my picture now?

Are you behind the screen? Yes, I am, Doctor. Right, Tim? Right.

All right, Doctor.

Let's have the picture. My stomach is saying cheese.

You see, Doctor, he's just fine.

As a matter of fact, he's phenomenal.

He's in physical condition of a man in his 20s.

Well, we did it, Uncle Martin. Just changed places in the fluoroscope room

they took my picture.

Yes, and now they're keeping me here to find out why a man of my age is in the

physical condition of a man in his twenties.

I thought you couldn't disappear.

Remember when I tripped in the dark? I tripped on my own nerve. I'm better.

You are.

I mean, you are.

Help me out of bed, but first check the corridor.

Help me out of the bed.

Easy now. Easy.

Careful. Ow!

Be careful of my ankle.

It's still sore.

The nerve is straight, but it's still sore. Here, here, here. Put me down in

chair.

Ow!

Now, get your car and meet me at the hospital entrance.

You're still going to go back?

Tomorrow? Of course. I've got two hours. Hurry, get your car. I'll meet you.

No.

I beg your pardon, ladies.

I've got plenty of time.

Good thing I remembered the telescope, because I couldn't make it through the

canals without the telescope.

Tim.

Don't look so sad.

I'll be back someday.

And... Are you all right? Are you all right, Uncle Martin?

Oh, my other ankle.

about a thing. I've got both ankles covered. I think they call that double

indemnity.

It's too late, Tim. I can't make it now.

He'll come around again.

Feel bad?

It was so near, now it's so far.

Well, it's my fault, Uncle Martin.

If I hadn't been so sentimental... It wasn't your fault, Tim. It was my

to your sentimentality.

And I was rather fascinated to realize the feeling.

You could have been home.

Yeah.

In a way, I am home, Tim.

Home is where you hang your hat.

Well, next time I'll be more help.

I'll listen.

I had plenty of time, but it was my childish hurry.

Well, as a famous man said many years ago, haste makes waste.

Who did say that, Uncle Martin? I never did know.

Paul Revere.

Paul Revere?

Well, actually, it was his horse. But Paul always took all the credit.