Original subtitles

I thought you were going to fix lunch.

How long do you think it'll be before Earth people can do tricks like that?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe 30 ,000 years from now.

Ah.

I can hardly wait.

Oh, hey, are you going to wear the blue suit today? I hadn't planned on it.

You know, it was a lucky day for me when we got together.

In all my previous visits to your planet, I've never met anyone whose

fit me so well.

Well, the name O 'Hara fits you pretty well, too, you know.

You are almost handsome enough to be a member of the family.

Matter of fact, I wish you were.

Thank you, Tim.

Sometimes I feel that I am.

Who's Harvey O 'Hara?

Oh, he's my cousin.

You know, it's funny you should mention him. I haven't thought about him in

years.

He sent you a special delivery letter.

There it is now.

Oh,

you're right.

It's from Harvey. I'm not in the habit of making mistakes.

And before you finish reading it, I can also tell you that he's coming for a

visit.

Uncle Martin.

I know, Tim.

Your cousin Harvey is not aware that you have an Uncle Martin.

I don't remember very much about him, except that he was a moocher.

I remember once when I was a kid. Now, if I had an all -day sucker, I had to

finish him before he showed up. I set a record once, six and a half minutes.

But you know, the one thing I can never forgive him for, he made off with my Boy

Scout knife.

I wish you Earth people would learn to be more explicit in your communications.

He says he's going to drop in on you.

Now, in your vernacular, that could mean anything from a quick hello and goodbye

to taking up permanent residence.

Well, you don't think he wants to move in here, do you?

I don't know.

Relatives seem to feel that they have inalienable rights, even on Mars.

But he can't stay here.

I mean, even if you were invisible, he'd find out about you. You've got the

spaceship down in the garage. Your manuscript for your book is sitting over

there on the desk. And there's Mrs. Brown.

How are we going to keep him from Mrs. Brown? She's sure to spill the beans.

Tim?

There is no reason to panic.

But, Uncle Martin!

We are forewarned, which means we have time to enumerate all the problems which

could possibly arise from your cousin's presence. Then we solve them one by one.

Now, the first thing we do is panic. Cousin Harvey's coming up the stairs.

Remain, Uncle Martin! What are we going to do?

Oh, now, Uncle Martin, wait a minute.

You know we can't let your cousin Harvey see me, and he's practically coming in

the door.

With two very large suitcases.

for sore eyes, cuz.

Hi, Harvey.

Listen, I wish you'd let me know sooner that you were coming. What? And give you

a chance to leave town?

Not on your life, cuz.

Now, don't let me stop you from whatever it is you were doing.

Come on, I'll join you.

Where's yours?

Oh, yes, well, mine's in the kitchen, Harvey.

happens to be my lunch. Not anymore.

What do you propose to do about him? Well, I thought you were going to solve

problems one by one.

Well, here's another one. He wants you to get him a job on the sun.

Well, how am I supposed to get him a job? I don't know. I only read minds. I

don't perform miracles.

Where you been?

Well, I was in the kitchen.

What's this? Read it.

He is married hereditary.

By Harvey O 'Hara.

Yeah, it's a little editorial I wrote.

Won a blue ribbon at the Tyler County Fair.

It was picked up all over the whole state.

Every newspaper re -ran it.

Well, that's just great.

Congratulations, Harvey. Oh, there's nothing to it if you've got the old

And Tim, I've got it.

I'm ready.

Ready for what?

The big time. The big city newspaper.

I've had it with the ice cream socials and the hog calling contests. I want to

cover important stories like kidnapping, robbery, and murder.

Yeah, and there's nothing like a good murder, Harv. Yeah.

Yeah, now look, Tim, what I want you to do is just get me in the door. You don't

even have to give me a push.

I guarantee that in no time at all, I'll be as big on the sun as I was on the...

on the Oak Grove Weekly Gazette and Advertiser.

Yes, sir.

And I... All I want you to do today is go down to the office and just look

around. I mean, drop a couple of hints to the publisher that you know where he

can get a Cracker Jack all -around newspaper mail.

And meanwhile, I'll just spend the day getting settled in the apartment.

It's nothing to get alarmed about, Harv. It's just instant rheumatism. It acts

up every now and then.

The medicine is in the bathroom.

I was afraid of that. He's moving in. Look, Uncle Martin, I didn't invite him.

Well, you can't leave him here for me to entertain.

What do you want me to do, take him down to the sun and babysit? I don't care if

you strap him on your back like a papoose. Only get him out of here.

Oh, Uncle Martin, look, I...

What a great idea.

Now, you sneak out. Then you come back in again, and I'll tell him that you're

already living here and that there's no room for him, and he won't know who you

are. How about Mrs. Brownwood?

She's coming out of her kitchen door right now with a plate of fudge

Fudge brownies? They were only an excuse.

She evidently saw him coming in.

She's on her way up to meet him.

Oh, fudge brownies, especially Mrs. Brown. You know, when I was a kid, I

better mud pies.

I'm so hungry right now, a mud pie would taste like a delicacy.

From the other side of the moon, dear lady.

Drawn inexorably by the piquant aroma of fudge brownies.

Oh, you.

May I?

Well, certainly.

You know, I've always had the uncomfortable feeling that you didn't

my fudge brownies. Now, whatever gave you that idea, Mrs. Brown?

These are delicious.

I could make a meal on them.

Oh, well, certainly. Certainly help yourself, Martin. I was just bringing

up to you and Tim, and that nice young man I couldn't help noticing going into

your apartment with two suitcases. That's Tim's cousin. Oh, I'm just dying

meet him. Oh.

Well, he was on a bus all night, and he's very tired.

I'm sure that he'll sleep all day.

So, I'll meet him tomorrow.

Are those for us?

Oh, well, yes. I was just going to bring these up to you. Oh, how very

thoughtful of you, Mrs. Brown. Thank you very much.

How long is your nephew planning to stay?

Oh, I don't know. I haven't had a chance to ask him yet. I'm still looking

forward to meeting him.

Wouldn't it be nice if I took these up to him?

Good heavens, my roast is burning.

Hello?

Hello?

Operator?

Operator, can you hear me?

Operator, I think our phone is... Operator?

cooking a roast.

You weren't?

Well, oh, I'll take those. Thank you very much.

You are three minutes

late. Oh, well, the going home traffic is a little slower than usual.

Is anything wrong? Is anything wrong? Is anything right?

I haven't spent such a hectic afternoon since I supervised the launching of

Cleopatra's Barge.

Well, I got some good news for you. Looks like Mr. Burns didn't give Harvey

job. I have to take him down first thing in the morning.

Well, then he'll be moving out.

Well, not for a few months.

I can't stand this for a few months.

I have a headache from appearing and disappearing so much.

You don't think Harvey suspects anything, do you?

Harvey doesn't suspect anything except that he's the world's greatest reporter.

He spent the whole afternoon rehearsing his acceptance speech for the Pulitzer

Prize. When he wasn't doing that, he was nosing around the apartment as if he'd

lost something. He found my manuscript.

Fortunately, it was beyond his feeble comprehension.

And then, then he tried to jimmy the lock on the garage door.

He didn't see the spaceship?

No.

Somehow, the hammer came down and hit him on the thumb.

Uncle Martin, don't you think that's a little drastic?

Drastic? What do you call that?

I was trying to get a piece of cheese out of the refrigerator and your cousin

Harvey slammed the door and another thing where is he going to sleep?

You were snoring.

Is that what you woke me up for, to tell me... You were snoring.

I never snore.

What's going on?

What are you doing?

Well, I... I thought you'd like a nice glass of warm milk.

Put you to sleep.

I thought I was asleep.

Oh.

How much money have you got?

About a dollar and a half.

That won't be enough. I was thinking of going to a hotel. But for a dollar and a

half, you can't even sleep in Griffith Park.

Well, look, if you want to trade places, I'll sleep in the rocking chair.

I'm afraid you'd have a hard time explaining to Harvey.

No, I'll just find someplace else to be uncomfortable.

Hold up on my breakfast a few minutes, will you, Tim? I want to grab a quick

shower. Oh.

Well, hurry up. You don't want to be late your first day at work.

Uncle Martin, you

weren't sleeping? Will you please get him out of this house?

Good morning, Mrs. Brown. Oh, nice to see you. Won't you come in? Oh, thank

My, we're in a happy mood this morning, aren't we?

And why not?

God's in his heaven and all's right with the world.

Temporarily, at least.

I tried to catch Tim and his cousin as they were driving out. I wanted to

you all for dinner this evening.

I found a new recipe for rabbit stew using tuna fish instead of rabbit, and

just dying to try it out on company.

Sounds delicious.

However, I have other plans for this evening.

Oh, I'm sorry. Well, perhaps Tim and his cousin can join me. My other plans

included you.

Me?

Mrs. Brown, would you do me the honor of dining and attending a cinema

afterwards? Would I?

I mean, I would.

That'd be most enjoyable.

Well, I suggest we get an early start, say 4 .30 or 5 at the latest.

Oh, yes, I'll be ready.

I'd better get started right now.

Let's see. Now, I've got to sew a button on the blue dress. Or do you think the

green one would be prettier?

Well, I'm sure whatever you choose will be most charming. Oh, yes, I'm sure it

will be, too.

Now, let's see. If I wore the blue dress, I could wear that rhinestone

Oh, but that always gets caught in the collar of my jacket.

But I'm not sure where the belt is to the green dress. Now, if I wore the belt

to the green dress, if I found that, that'd be marvelous because I didn't

to wear any rhinestone.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

And to think I gave that line to Sir Walter Scott.

A little up on the shoulder, a little on the shoulder.

Well,

how much longer do you think you can hold out, Uncle Martin? I don't know.

Actually, this is an impossible situation. You know, sleeping on that

chair is bad enough.

But now Mrs. Brown is beginning to think of orange blossoms and wedding bands.

Yeah, well, you can't blame her. You've taken her out every night this week.

Well, I had to, didn't I? I couldn't let her meet Harvey, could I?

I tell you, I deserve a medal for bravery above and beyond the call of

You know, the way my savings account is draining away, you can't afford to be

brave.

Well, I'd rather spend that money on a nice, quiet hotel room than Mrs. Brown.

A little bit up on the neck, up on the neck, higher, higher, higher, right.

Careful, careful, you're shaking up the antenna.

You know something, Tim?

The greatest generals in history.

when faced with an impossible situation, struck out boldly. That's what we need

to do. Attack!

Mrs. Brown?

No, Harvey.

How? I don't know yet.

the same playing the piano.

Without a piano?

It's harder that way.

You know how long that editor of yours would last on the Oak Grove Gazette and

Advertiser? I'd give him about one week.

He's too nervous, Tim. He's always hollering at everybody.

Well, it's a pretty important job. He's under a lot of pressure.

It must be quite a comedown for you, Harvey.

Well, it is. It definitely is.

I thought I caught you home.

Don't you remember me?

Marty. You used to work on the trip.

Marty. Marty.

Oh, yeah, from the trip.

I'd like you to meet my cousin Harvey.

This is Marty.

Used to be with the Tribune. Well, glad to meet you, Marty.

Hello, Harvey.

You know where I can get a job?

A job? Well, no, not offhand.

You see, Harvey just started working down at the Sun, and, well, I'm afraid

they're just not taking on any more help right now.

Where'd you work before, huh?

Oh, just a little two -bit weekly back in the Midwest.

It wasn't much, but, well, you gotta start somewhere.

Now, don't knock small -town papers to me, Harv. They're the backbone of this

country. Oh, well, I wasn't knocking the Gazette. I mean, it was all right for a

while, but... Well, when you got the old know -how, you gotta move on to the big

time.

It's a shame.

It's a dirty shame, that's what it is.

This kid reminds me so much of myself when I was young. I was going to conquer

the world. I couldn't wait.

And within one week after going to work on a big paper, I had my first

hallucination. I, uh... I don't think you ever told me about your

hallucinations, Marty.

It was tension that did it.

I was working at a job where I didn't belong.

I imagine things just moved all by themselves from one place to another.

You know, just floating through the air.

What's the matter?

Didn't you see the matches just kind of floated?

I dropped the matches on my foot.

I made my big mistake a long time ago when I left the Fall River independent.

Small paper like yours, Harv.

I guess you had to sell advertising in your spare time, too, huh?

Oh, sure. They wouldn't let you just be a star reporter.

You couldn't just be a star reporter like I was.

I mean, you had to do a lot of... You had to do a lot of other stuff like...

the press.

Stack and bind.

Cover all the stories from...

A robbery festival to the wreck of the Hesperus.

I mean, on weekends you had to sell subscriptions and footstools.

Hey, Harv, is that job still open?

The job?

The one you left on the Gazette.

I could use a spot like that.

That's where I belong.

On a small town paper.

I was like everybody else.

I didn't know what really made me happy.

Please, Harv, see if you can get that job for me.

I need it.

Well, it's a piano, but...

Mr. Humphreys, this is Harvey O 'Hara.

Have you gotten anyone to take my place at Oak Grove?

You haven't?

Mr.

Hat, Humphreys, I can get a bus out of here first thing in the morning.

I'll be home early Tuesday.

Goodbye.

I'm sorry, Marty, the job's taken.

Oh, uh, incidentally, Tim, here's your boy's scout knife.

We are the party with the light brown hair.

Martin, Tim, I've been looking for you. Your cousin's upstairs.

But that isn't possible. We just took him to the bus station and waited until

the bus disappeared in the distance.

Ah, but it isn't to him.

Do we have a cousin named Margie?

You want to take a ride?

Where to?

Honolulu.