Original subtitles

Is something wrong with the omelet?

Did I use too much chevre?

Or too little chevre?

Which is it? Too much chevre or too little chevre?

Do you mind not saying chevre anymore?

No problem.

Are you okay?

Yeah,

I just have a lot to do before the homecoming dance.

Will you help me with my zombie makeup later?

Yeah, it'd be my pleasure.

What are you writing?

Tonight's my first ever high school dance. I want to ensure that I have the

proper teen experience.

I'm making a list of 80s movie cliches that I want to make happen.

Can I see it? Yeah.

So number one is be crowned homecoming king.

I know that might seem unlikely, but that's exactly why it's going to happen.

80s movies, it's always the most unlikely person. Typically the nerdy kid

the most fully realized character arc who gets crowned king.

I'm a nerd.

And I came back from the dead.

Can't get a better character arc than that, right?

Plus, the theme of the dance is, you know, inspired by me, so it should be a

shoo -in.

Right. The only problem with that is, um, they crowned king and queen earlier

this week at the homecoming parade.

What? Really? Who got picked?

Uh, Bev Futernick and, uh, Luke Sullivan.

Okay, Bev, I did. You know, she's a bit of a nerd, and she overcame doubt,

which... If we're talking character arcs, I wouldn't necessarily put it at

top of the list, but Luke Sullivan?

What kind of character arc did that kid have?

Awesome, good -looking guy transforms into slightly more awesome, good

guy?

Do you know what?

It's okay.

I've got plenty more cliches to get through.

Okay, what do you think?

Is it too slutty?

No, it's not slutty. Damn it.

I want too slutty. I want something that's going to make Bethany regret not

going to homecoming with me. Mm -hmm. I could go more conservative, you know,

leave a little to the imagination.

Yeah, totally.

Or maybe I could just shave my dog and pour hot glue all over myself and just

cover my body with dog hair.

Mm -hmm, yeah.

That sounds great.

Okay, Charles, wake up.

What? I'm, yes, I'm up. You know the zombie dance isn't until later tonight.

Why are you being all walking dead on me right now?

I don't, I don't know. I, um, I just... You just... What?

Talk to me.

Okay.

I'm gonna tell you, but you have to promise not to tell anyone else.

Alright, I promise, I promise.

Okay. Um, I had a, like a sex dream.

About Ben.

You had a sex dream with Ben?

That's it?

freaking deal.

No, what?

Yes, it's a huge freaking deal, Ryan. This is Ben Bloom.

Was it any good?

Holy shit.

You're blushing.

Okay, wait.

Give me all the details. I want to know everything.

No. No, I don't think so.

Bitch, I wasted a promise on this. The least you can do is give me some goddamn

details. Okay, alright. Settle down. Okay, so...

I was the proprietor of a small but thriving ranch in the hills of Montana.

And Ben, he was my ranch hand.

And I was coming back from a horseback ride.

He was baling hay in the barn, and one thing kind of, like, led to another.

And we,

you know... Mm -hmm.

Well, did you, you know, do it on the barn floor, or...?

No.

We, uh, we, like, we did it. On my horse?

Okay.

I was wrong.

This is the best thing I've ever heard. I mean, what do you think it means,

though?

Isn't my brain telling me that, like, I like Ben?

No. It was a dream.

Dreams are meaningless.

You know, last week I had a dream that I had sex with Flo from those insurance

commercials. It doesn't mean I'm in love with Flo.

Well, she does seem like someone you could really settle down with.

Um, so you don't think I have anything to, like, worry about?

Worry about what?

Charles, if you like Ben, believe me, you'd be the first to know.

You're right.

So is it dead Ben or alive Ben?

Dead Ben.

He is actually hotter now that he's dead.

Yeah.

How you doing? Do you need any water or anything?

I'm fine.

Thank you.

Do you mind closing your eyes for just a second?

Okay.

You can open them now.

Is this what you want?

Hey, is this what you want?

I don't know what I want.

Did I use too much eyeshadow?

Alright, ready to go? Oh, what are you doing?

Excuse me?

I told you to let me know when you were coming down.

What are you talking about? In every high school movie, there's a moment

the dance where the girl comes down the stairs in her dress.

The guy sees her for the first time and he's so blown away by how good she

looks, all he can say is...

It's on my list of cliches. You've got to go upstairs and come back down again.

You've already seen me.

Do it.

All right. You can come down in three, two,

one.

Okay, can we go now? Yeah.

Let's rock and roll.

You really do look great, though.

Okay.

Hey, guys.

So?

What do you think?

Oh, I think you look really great, Luke.

I meant the decorations, but I'll take that, too.

Oh. No, yeah.

No, the decorations look great.

I don't know if you can tell, but I was able to salvage some of your ideas.

Yeah, the haunted forest, you know, it's right there, and we turned the meadow

into a graveyard, but the basic idea is still there.

But I threw the drawings in the trash.

Yeah.

Well, I may have fished them out of the trash.

Really?

You went through the garbage for me? That's so... Gross, unsanitary,

It's considerate.

Eh, not the word I would use, but sure.

Uh, well, I have some king -related duties I need to attend to. I'll see you

guys around.

Farewell, Your Majesty.

Ben. No, no, he's right. I deserve it.

I can't believe they're making me wear this dumb thing.

Where do you think the refreshments table is?

What? Oh, it's for my list of cliches. In all teen movies, there's the

oversized bull bread punch that some rapscallion inevitably spikes.

Tonight, I'm that rapscallion.

Hey, man.

Look at us. We're twins.

Mason. Yeah, man. It's like looking in a mirror. Right?

So you have a wife, or...? I'm divorced, actually.

Cool. I'm single, too.

So you, like, live in a house, or...? Yes, Mitch, I live in a house.

Sweet. I love houses.

Always have.

Hey, P .P. Kelly.

Man, I'm parched.

Where might I find the refreshments table?

There isn't one.

Benjamin. What do you mean there isn't one?

There's no comically oversized bowl of red punch? No, we stopped serving punch

years ago. Some rapscallion would inevitably spike it.

What the hell is this?

I know you're being rhetorical, but the answer is a responsible one.

I shot a guy yesterday.

It's just instinctive.

Hey, can I have my phone?

Hello, Charles.

Cowboy.

What did you just call me?

Nothing.

Hey, let me get your opinion.

Which one of these looks good?

Bethany, I'm disappointed in you for not coming to the dance with me. Why can't

you just grow up and embrace who you are, you stupid Republican dick?

This one?

That's good.

Or this one?

Definitely the second one. Got it. Thanks.

You got any more funny?

Oh, no, no, no. No, this simply won't do.

What? This is my first and probably last high school dance. I will not have you

two spoil it by being on your phones.

Why do you sound like my dad?

Is that supposed to be an insult?

Because Keelan Perkins is a responsible, pragmatic, level -headed businessman,

and being compared to him is a compliment of the highest order.

Ben, what are you going to do next in your life?

Right. Item number four on the list, and probably the most important, a kick

-ass dance montage.

Too bad this is real life, and in real life there are no kick -ass dance

montages.

Charlie Albright, you have no imagination.

Come on, let's go. Ben! Let's go.

Love condition, but I don't have a cure.

Head over heels attention.

It don't matter what I'm looking for.

Got my dance issues.

You like Ben.

Oh, my God. I like Ben.

Hey, Charlie.

They're about to do the homecoming court flow dance, and...

Well, the thing is that I don't have a date.

Can I get that dance from you now?

Yeah, totally.

You cool with that, Ben? I mean, obviously we won't go farther than 30

Yeah, sure.

You two go dance. Have fun.

Not too much fun.

Like, a respectable level of fun.

Respectable level of fun. You got it, Bob.

Looks like it's just you and me.

It's just me.

You look really great dead.

Wow,

that out of context, that's a really creepy thing to say.

No, you look really great dead too, Luke.

Bethany, can I talk to you in private, please?

Is this about the civics project?

Yeah. Civics.

Whatever.

Um, yeah, I mean, you know, schoolwork never ends, right?

I'll just be your bad guy.

I

can't

do this.

You can't do what?

This.

Pretending like I don't have feelings for you.

It's not me.

It's not fair.

This isn't who I am.

I'm not the type of person who can just bottle up her emotions.

I can only be me.

I know I sound like a soda commercial right now, but... I can only be me.

Yeah, I know.

You're right.

I am?

Yeah. It's not fair to you.

I'm sorry, Ren.

I... I wish I was more like you.

I would settle to be a little like you.

You're so... brave.

But... But what?

But I'm not you.

Dude, you are a genius.

What are you talking about?

I mean, this whole scheme you got going with Charlie.

Scheme? What scheme?

This whole magical necklace, 30 feet bullshit.

I mean, it's a genius move.

If you were alive, Charlie wouldn't have anything to do with a guy like you.

But now, she can't get away from it.

Literally.

You seriously got to hook me up with whoever gave you those necklaces.

I want to use them on Susan Fleckman.

And there she is.

I'll be right back.

Hey, Ben.

Hey, Charlie.

What are you wearing?

Oh, just this dumb dress my mom picked out for me.

I look stupid.

No, I like you look nice.

Take a seat.

I wanted to do a card trick I want to show you. Can you show me later?

Abby Fletcher asked me to have lunch with her.

No, that's okay.

I can show it to you over there.

I work better with bigger crowds anyway.

Actually, she invited just me.

I feel like you'd be rude if you came too.

But I can put a good word in for you.

And then we'll all eat lunch together tomorrow, okay?

Okay.

You're not wearing your necklace.

Oh.

Yeah.

Guess I must have forgot to put it on.

I'll see you later, Ben.

See you.

Hey, what did you want to talk about?

Ben, slow down. You're scaring me.

Charlie, you need to come clean about something.

Okay, what?

Remember that day we were trying to find Madame Fortuna and we stopped at that

adult store?

Sure.

I lied to you.

I wasn't a dead end.

The guy inside gave me her address.

What?

Are you kidding?

Why would you worry about that?

I thought that if we found Madame Fortuna, she'd be able to break the

we wouldn't need to be near each other anymore.

Stupid, I know, but I thought that if you had to be near me, you would start

like me again.

Ben, that's ridiculous.

Wait, is this one of your high school movie cliches?

To force some kind of big emotional climax?

No.

This cliche is real.

Just one more thing.

I don't need to be within 30 feet of you.

What?

The distance rule.

I made it up.

I don't feel any pain when we're apart from each other.

It was all part of my scheme to force you to be around me.

I think it's best if I go back in the dance and say it's far away from you to

the impossible.

I'm sorry.

Stop. No, stop.

It's all you do. Just all these speeches you give me about love and life and

identity, and you sound really smart and insightful.

It's all bullshit.

It's all lies. And, you know, now is my turn to give you my really smart and

insightful speech.

You're a dick.

This is definitely further than 30 feet. You don't feel anything?

Nothing.

Lee Lee!