Original subtitles

And this is the office. And this is Trudy. Hi, Trudy. It's so nice to meet

How's it going?

Tessa and Scott, this is crazy.

I love you guys. I mean, I really love... What the hell are you doing

Well, they... Oh, my God. Let's go.

Run.

Hello. Who have we got here?

Hi, I'm Tessa. Scott. Hello, Tessa.

What brings you to my school, Tessa?

We're here chatting with Nisha's class about our career.

Oh.

What do you do?

Oh, we're figure skaters.

Tessa Virtue, Scott Moyer, Jerry.

Have you ever heard of the Olympic? They just won gold in ice dancing, you

doorstop. Sorry, I don't watch the demonstration sports.

They're not on television.

Figure skating's...

Been in the Olympics and on TV for quite a long time. How do you know Nisha?

Funny you ask. It's a funny story. So, um, Scott and I, we were actually ice

dancing partners. So we were eight. Eight years old. Cute.

Seen those photos.

Yeah. You don't have an Olympic medal. What did you do? My coach didn't think

had any chemistry. She said I was so good I should take a single. I should

up and move on.

What did you say?

We didn't have any chemistry.

Street on the ice, that's what the coach said to you. What did he tell you?

Yeah. Something else to me about single fit. You know what? It makes sense.

That's why an old perfect skin rolled into town.

Why do you want to slum it with a shorter, thicker version of that? Thank

Scott met Tessa.

Could you go backwards?

No, not always.

Yeah, she's pretty good at it. You don't have to.

Well, I don't know if I can be here right now. All this backwards, jumpy,

-off talk from long legs. Oh. Scott, I can't. It's too hard on the heart.

I feel bad.

I feel bad.

She wasn't really that good, though. You shouldn't feel that bad. Oh, Tessa.

Oh, God.

What about going for a little drink with me after you speak to the kids?

Yeah, I'd like that. I just, I'm not sure my partner would appreciate it.

we're partners.

Really? It was so nice to meet you. I think we should maybe check on Misha.

Yeah.

Okay, bye.

Partners.

That could mean a million things.

They could be business partners or skating partners or partner partners or

firm. Are they law firm partners?

Yeah, nobody knows.

Big mystery.

I'm awesome. No, you're not, dude. Don't lie. I'm awesome. I'm driving around in

my mom's ride. I'm awesome. A quarter of my life gone by.

I'm awesome.

Thank you, George.

All right.

A couple of announcements.

First of all, you'll notice I put a new projector in. It's another one of the

many things I'm doing for the staff and students of the school. We need more

positive reinforcement on staff.

I'm not feeling it. For example, I'm doing things like this, and no one's

saying, good job, you're awesome, nothing. So don't be shy.

Nobody's being shy.

You're just terrible.

Can someone please pass Jerry the aloe? That was a thick burn.

That's a new thing? Terrible.

Secondly.

Did you see that?

Finally. Some excitement.

Easy, Jerry.

Sounds like someone's projecting.

That's pretty good.

Okay, that almost killed me. I just saw my whole life flash right before my

eyes. I'm surprised you didn't nod off.

Because this life is so boring.

Yeah. I love being on this side.

Better, isn't it? I almost got killed there.

No, you didn't.

Because we're not that lucky. Stop with the jokes. Oh, overhead projector.

More like underfoot projector.

No. No.

That was a 50 -pound projector that almost hit me. And you're telling jokes.

no one's doing anything.

Are we done here?

Yes. Best meeting ever, Bob.

Paul, you okay? You look tired.

Oh, man. It's Donna.

Seriously? How is that still going on? She's in prison.

That's the problem right there. She's keeping me up.

I mean, you're dating a murderer, so... It's kind of judgy, Nisha. You're right.

I'm sorry.

What is the problem? The problem is the distance.

We're not spending enough time with each other. Between me and you, I think

she's a little jealous. I think... See? There you go again.

Judging. I mean, the only way you can spend more time with her is if you're

actually in the prison.

It's like... What?

Nisha.

Oh, no.

What?

There are the permission forms you asked for.

Fine, have a seat.

Oh, boy.

What's your problem?

You must know, nosy Parker.

People don't care that I almost got hit by a projector.

At best, it would have given you brain damage. And then, you'd be basically the

same as you are now.

Thank you. But you weren't there, Emma. They were laughing at a near -death

experience of a fellow colleague.

They're not sociopaths, Jerry.

I'm sure if something serious had happened, they'd obviously care.

You're so wrong, and I will prove you wrong, and I'll prove everybody here

wrong, that nobody cares.

Hey, Dave, wait up.

What's up, Frank?

Nope, you stay there.

What are you talking about? I'll just come there.

I said don't move, bud. We're coming to you.

You have a good weekend?

We'll talk when I get there.

I'm late for class now.

Now is it just me, or is it a...

beautiful day out there.

That's it.

What more could you ask for?

I'm gonna probably get in trouble now, Frank.

This way.

Sit down here, mate. Yeah, get off me.

Watch it.

Hi, baby.

How'd it go?

Hey, look, I spoke to them and unfortunately there's no position that's

for prison guards. But I got some good news.

Okay. I'm the top of the waiting list. They love me.

I can work with that.

You know, it's been really hard lately.

I know. I mean, the distance, the separation.

I get it. No, it's hard to grow with a couple, to really, you know, bond.

Every relationship has its obstacles.

Yeah. Some couples need money, career, furniture.

For us, you kill people.

C 'est la vie.

What's in the box? What's in the box?

What the hell is this?

Idiot one and idiot two, you better come out here.

You talking to me?

What the?

Whoa. Something wrong, Trudy?

It's dark.

That's a Duncan. Anything else in the box?

Yeah, there's a note.

Watch your head, Duncan. Your life is in gray danger.

Oh, I know what gray danger means. That's bad when something's in gray

No, it means that this was written by an idiot. No kidding. This doll is

imbecilic. They might not have been an idiot. They might have been rushed.

No, look at this. Whoever wrote this is a whack job.

I mean, I've heard of principals getting threats before, just never at Xavier.

This is probably just a kid. It's a desperate man.

Who hasn't known the love of a woman for a long, long time, I can tell you that.

Are we not a little bit premature, thinking that someone knows? Speaking of

premature, that's what got him into this situation, Jerry.

This is bizarre.

Bizarre, is it? It's bizarre that someone's threatening my life? We need

up security. You can't be alone.

You need security around you 24 hours a day, starting now.

Ron? What are you doing here? Get lost. If someone sees you, you're a big...

Jerry, you remember Ron?

Say hello to your new security detail.

I prefer bodyguard.

Like the movie. Oh, wasn't it so good? Are you forgetting what Ron did to Lisa

the last time he was here with the little baton up above his head?

Not forgetting.

You should know that Ron has had extensive anger management, right, bud?

And plus, he's offered his services for free, which was... Right in our snack

bracket. Yeah. As you might remember, I still have zero incidents on my watch.

Yeah, what about the one I was just talking about with Lisa?

Well, it doesn't count if I'm the incident.

Okay. On -premises copy.

Do we need this, honestly? Like, I think I might know the kid that sent that.

Does Ron have a unique approach?

Clearly. But does Ron also get the job done?

Yes. And that's what we need here.

Fine, I'll have a...

A bodyguard.

Oh, I'll be more than just a bodyguard to you, Jerry.

I'll also be a chauffeur, an assistant, and personally responsible for keeping

away unwanted people.

He's unwanted.

Sir? Oh, come on. Hey.

Good idea, Robert.

I like it. Just wanted you to know, Jerry, I'd take a bullet for you. And I

promise, we will catch this evil genius.

Key word is genius.

Because the guy's smart.

Like it!

Hug the wall. Right. Hug the wall is right.

Oh, boy.

See you later.

Well, if it isn't the old pain in the ass.

That's the man of Susan Sullivan.

Oh, my gosh. You're so witty.

You should take that on the road, sir.

What do you want, ass?

I see you have your own lap dog to fight your battles for you. Keep walking,

Goldilocks.

Like it. Excuse me?

Oh, this is not good.

No, I really don't think you want me to repeat myself.

Come again?

I said I really don't think you want me to repeat myself.

No. You just did.

That's what she does.

She gets in your kitchen, messes with you. She's evil. Every day I got to deal

with her.

Get rid of her.

You want to go? No, no, no.

We can't fight, kid. But I want to fight her. I know, I do too, but you can't

fight me. This place is falling apart.

Jeez.

You think that was on purpose?

Yeah.

Got me right in the liver.

You know, if you're bored, you could try teaching.

Isn't that what you're supposed to be doing? I'm waiting for Frank.

Almost there.

Wait up.

He keeps telling me to wait for him, but it takes forever, so I'm stuck.

Well, that's pretty unsympathetic, Dave, even for me.

It's just that every time I try to go over to him, he won't let me. Watch

Hold your horses, cowboy.

I'm coming to you.

It's a pride thing. I gotta go.

Almost there.

What's up, Frank?

You know what? I forgot what I was going to say.

Sorry.

That's cool.

That's cool.

Hey, bit of fake.

Watch your back. Now what? Now am I supposed to get through all this, Matt?

I'm going to take you in my arms.

What? Oh.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Excuse me, guys.

Hello. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Matt? Yeah.

Wow, look at somebody's tie.

Our tie is done up here at the school.

It's hot out. It's hot out. I don't care.

You know the rules.

All right, relax.

Oh.

Well, you have a little detention for that. You know why?

So you don't disrespect authority.

Ready to go? Yeah. Want to go now? Yeah, please. Okay, let's go. That kid was a

jerk. Okay, excuse us. Hey, I'm taking you home.

Moving to location Bravo.

I thought you were just going to drop me off. I didn't think you were coming in

and hanging out with me. There's an outstanding threat against your life,

And I don't know if you know this, but threats, they don't wait at the

workplace. They follow you home. And so do I. Whatever. I'm starving.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you mad?

Don't just open that all willy -nilly.

It could be wired.

Would you just relax? I just want you to know. What are you doing? I got a

protocol in place designed to keep you alive.

All right.

Please don't sniff the pizza.

Smells like pizza?

Yeah, thankfully.

Doesn't smell like poison.

Okay, that's your piece.

This is all you.

Oh. Don't touch it.

Poison could be tasteless. Okay, I'm gonna get another. I'm gonna get this

piece. No, you're not.

That one's good.

That one's good. This is disgusting.

I'm gonna throw up. Not sure about that one.

Police it with this one.

That's disgusting.

I've got the all clear for me.

Enjoy.

How do I enjoy that?

I try to take your advice.

Which advice is that?

Becoming a security guard at the prison.

Paul, I literally never said that. Okay, you cannot put that on me. Doesn't

matter now anyway. There's no position available.

How is that ever even an option?

You're dating an inmate. Does this... One sec. What?

Hello? What?

Wow! Okay.

Yes. Thank you.

You'll never believe what just happened.

What happened? There's a position open at the prison for a security guard now.

How come?

A security guard was found dead this morning.

Could you believe my luck? There's a spot available for me.

Holy moly. Okay, Paul, I'm done. Your girlfriend is a psychopath. You have got

to get out.

No, Donna's a nice person.

No. I want you to go with me here. Everybody that comes between you and

dies. Okay? Your wife.

Ex -wife. Her cellmate.

And... The security guard.

That's three people.

All right, Paul.

I want you to really process this. These people are dead, dead, dead.

Because Donna is a mega murderer. Why don't you tell me?

I told you every day. Literally every day I told you. It's like, watch out for

the murderer.

You're like, hey, hey, hey, every day's a holiday.

They're dead.

Permanent or secure?

Actually, not really. We have a serial beheaded.

Oh, another threat?

On my what?

Wow, another package. Oh, and your name's on the doll.

Spelled wrong, but it's clearly me.

It's not spelled wrong. It's EY, Jerry.

Anything else in the box there? A note, same handwriting.

To whom it may concern, I no longer wish to harm Jerry Duncan.

He is, oh, this is good. He is a great man.

Ron. Shut up.

Okay. Ron should focus his energy on Mr. Cheely now, who is my real target now.

To clarify, Duncan equals safe, Cheely equals target.

Man, God, this guy is sick.

Okay, so I guess you're going to become his bodyguard now.

We better... Hey, there's something else in the box.

Oh, there shouldn't be anything.

Oh, no, that's not it.

That's not it.

Gee,

Duncan.

Sounds like a clue to me. Ron.

Gord. Guillermo.

Gord or Guillermo?

The suspect is Italian.

Oh, and he has the same last name as I do. Ron.

Wait, I think this puzzle is starting to come together.

Gee Duncan is Jerry Duncan.

No one holds you in lower regard than I do. And even I'm disappointed.

Go to your office.

Pizza in the cap!

Yeah.

What's wrong, Frank?

Hey, Dave, wait up.

Where are you?

Right behind you.

Oh, come on.

Are you serious, Frank?

This is gonna take forever.

Oh, stop right there.

I'm gonna come to you.

Okay.

He's staring at me. He knows I'm dying inside.

I'm a person with feelings.

I'm not just some worthless pawn in your sick game of emotional validation.

You solved the case, Ron. Thank you. Is that... One sec. Copy of 10 -4. Okay,

that is weird that you keep doing that. You got the thing in your ear. It's not

connected to anything. There's nobody around. There's nobody you're talking

It's weird.

I'm weird?

No, I didn't say you were weird. I said that was weird.

Guess I'm weird, then. I never said you. Guess Ron's a big old weirdo. You know,

I would have taken a bullet for you.

Bullet? I think it's better I go.

Because if I should stay, I would only be in your way.

Hey. What does that mean?

I'm gonna go in there, get the pizza, and then come back out. By then, he'll

here. Yeah.

Stop. Okay, yeah.

Hey. It's over.

Don't you toy with me, Paul. Did you actually break up with her? Donna and I

officially over.

Oh, hallelujah.

Oh, this is great.

You did the right thing. I gotta thank you. As a matter of fact, I told her

you were the one who opened my eyes so I could see what a true monster she was.

Did you... You said that to Donna?

Yeah. Did you mention me by name?

Of course.

This is not good, Paul.

Hello. She likes to do the... What?

Murders.

That is classic Donna for you, right?

Oh. Thanks.

Wow. What'd she do?

Just broke out of prison. Well, thanks to you, it's no longer my problem.

all good?

Allward and upward.

I'm a walking dead man.

I'm going to break your legs, love weirdo.

Seriously, Jerry.

Are we still doing this? Guys, I didn't do this. This is from Ron. Ron sent

this. He sent the note. He's going to break my legs. Look.

I see you gave yourself some pretty big feet there. That can't be right.

Truders. You nailed the feet, though. I didn't do this.

You think I would put my hands halfway down the middle of my ankles? No.

This is wrong. It's a threat. It's a death threat. There's blood in

I need a bodyguard. I need a bodyguard. I really do this time.

Why don't you make yourself one of those only life -size, Jerry?

Haven't you heard of the boy who cried wolf, Jerry? Come on.

This is bad.

Get the blood back in. Get the blood back.

Not that big, though.

Oh, they're gone. Oh! Oh, hi, Jerry.

Uh, not great, actually.

Um, I think someone's trying to kill me.

Someone's trying to kill you, too.

Really? Yeah.

Or hurt me, or something.

That's actually, that's sort of a funny coincidence.

I see you.

Oh, my God!

He cannot catch a break.

Nisha, just stop talking crap about me to Paul.

How about I never talk to him again?

Really? Yes.

Thanks, Nisha.

It would be really great. We have such a good thing going. It seems good.

Thanks, girl.

You're welcome.

Bye. What are you doing here? What was that?

Oh, I don't know. Just me taking a bullet for you. She didn't have a gun?

There's no gun?

No. No.

Well... There.

Why do you have a bat?

Oh. Right.

It's a funny story.

I was going to use this to break your leg, you know, but then I saw it's rent

and it took over and I'm a bodyguard again.

Wow. Can I have the bat, please?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, no use for that anymore.

Go, Ron. Get out of here. That's it.

I was only going to break one leg, the tibia.

Yes, I know.

He's a weird guy.

This is Ron signing off.

What is it, Frank? What the hell do you want?

Come here.

I'm tired, man.

What? Come on, big guy, bring it in.

Come on, bring it right in.

Right in?

Let me tell you a secret.

I'd just like to mess with you.

Have a good day.

What the hell's wrong with you, Frank?

This is my life, bro.

For more Mr. D, please check out the website.

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