Original subtitles

John, sometimes boys can be mean, and those boys were just being stupid, so

don't worry about it and go back to class.

You said a bad word.

Stupid. I'm telling Ms. Walsh.

Oh.

Hear that?

What's that?

Said a bad word, and John is going to tell on me. Oh, I see.

And what word did he say, dear?

He said asshole.

Jerry, are you kidding me? I never said that. Why would I lie?

Why would he lie?

I don't know why you would lie.

I'm so sorry that he said that to you. But you know, sometimes Mr. Duncan can

a bit of a... What's that word again, dear?

Asshole. Yeah, that's the one.

I don't appreciate this.

I'm not a douchebag.

Jerry!

I never said that. He is five years old.

What's the matter with you? You think I would call... I'm a douchebag. Get out

of my office.

What an asshole.

I'm awesome.

No, you're not, dude. Don't lie. I'm awesome. I'm driving around in my mom's

ride. I'm awesome. A quarter of my life gone by.

I'm awesome.

There is a delicious specimen here to see you. I'm just about to eat my lunch.

Can you just send them somewhere else, please?

He said he's a movie producer.

A movie? Yes.

Wait till you see him. Send him in.

Come on in, Beefcake.

Beefcake. I don't care what he looks like.

Mr. Duncan.

Hello. Hi.

Donald T. Franklin. Donald T. Franklin. I am a huge fan. Really? Never heard of

you. Sorry. But I'm a fan of movies. You make movies, and that makes me a fan

now. Big fan of what I'm seeing back here. Would you get lost?

Sure thing.

See ya.

Bye.

Have a seat. Yeah, what can I do for you here?

Why don't I cut to the chase?

I need to rent Xavier for a film shoot tonight.

Well, you came to the right principal. Because this principal says when a movie

producer wants to rent your school for a movie, you rent them the school. Thank

you. Look, you're really helping us out. Thank you. There's just one little

thing. No staff, no students whatsoever.

Plot. You don't want the story to be leaked. Bit of an actor. I was in King

here at the school, so I understand the industry.

We're just going to load everything in once everyone's gone.

Right. Why don't you come at like 5 o 'clock?

I could speak English.

I do accents.

In case it's useful when you film and you want to pop me into the film. I

we're good, actually. Say that now. But let's see on the day. On the day, as you

say, in the industry, that could change.

Is it possible to get a copy of the film for myself?

Deal. Deal.

Oh, thank you. All right.

DTF.

GFD. Thank you. You're welcome. See you at 5.

Mike, I'll see you at 5, right? 5 o 'clock, right?

Okay. Yeah.

Kind of hard to know, but maybe you just go with your heart.

Lucy, what are you doing here? We had an appointment.

I'm so sorry, Ms. Mason. I'm just a little nervous about whether I chose the

right major for next year.

Bill's giving me advice.

Well, that's what our meeting was about.

Glad I could save you some time.

Lucy, as guidance counselor... I thought Frank was the guidance counselor.

As the other guidance counselor, post -secondary consultation is my

not the department of a failed bartender.

Bill, maybe we should reschedule your appointment and give you some

advice. Sure, I guess.

Thanks, Bill. Anytime.

Hey, McSmoothie. You know, when a student wants to know what fruit pairs

mango, you're their man. But when they want advice on their actual life, you

leave it to me.

Sure thing, boss.

But if you want to talk about that anger, I'll be here.

Hello. I have an announcement I need all of you out of the school today, 5 p .m.

sharp, not a minute later. When has that ever been a problem?

What's going on, Jerry? Oh, they're filming a Hollywood movie at our school

today because of me. I arranged it.

Cool. Can we...

Stick around and watch it? No, you can't. Very exciting.

Malik goes home early and spends time with family.

Everyone out of here by 5 o 'clock, except Mr. Malik. You have to stay till

they're done filming, clean up the mess, and I hear film crews are messy.

So who's in this thing? Oh, yeah, anyone famous?

They won't tell me yet, but I've asked for a small part, and I think they're

going to give it to me on the day. You can't act.

You got something on your face there, Trudy. What?

Nothing. What's called a performance made it believable, and you believed it.

Well done, Mr.

Brando. Mr. Duncan.

Right. As you were, Sia.

To be fair, he's been acting like a teacher for years. Right?

Nisa, there you are. You're never going to believe this, but I got us two

tickets to David Dante tonight.

The magician?

Oh.

That's okay, but thanks anyway. I'm not really into the dark art.

Well, I'm not even going to try to unpack that one.

I was always under the impression that you didn't really like me.

Which is exactly why I got us these tickets.

It's an opportunity for us to spend some quality time together and, you know,

bond over magic.

You were the first person I asked.

Well, I guess I can't say no to that, can I?

Abracadabra, I say yes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh.

How cool is this?

Real movie, people.

Real set.

Amazing. Look at the stuff that goes into this.

Everyone has gone from school. Oh, thanks, Mr. Malick. What is the name of

movie? You think I asked what the name is? Just be happy I got a movie to film

in our school.

How do you not ask name of movie? That would be Malik's first question. But

doesn't matter what the name is. You're lucky you're here.

Whoa, who's that?

She looks quite familiar. Like she's from Malik's dream.

Who are you guys?

Oh, uh, I'm Jerry Duncan, and you are?

I'm Twinkie.

Twinkie? Oh, you're one of the stars of the movie. Yeah, I am.

Ah, I'm the principal.

What? I didn't agree to having a principal in the scene.

Fix it, Donald.

Ah, she thinks I'm an actor.

I am. I did King Lear.

She knows.

Actors recognize each other.

Can I speak to you for a second? Oh, did you meet Mr. Malick?

No.

You're not going to touch your hand.

You don't have to shake his hand. Your hand's been in toilet bowls all day.

Oh,

now I... Oh, gosh.

Is that cleaning?

Listen, guys, why don't you guys hang back and let our actors get ready?

Yeah, and he's talking to you. Go to the office and wait till they're done.

Setting up still.

Something is very familiar here.

Who are they?

They're the teachers.

What? I had a lot of problems already with the authenticity of this. First of

all, you might want to put something on the board. You want it to feel like a

classroom. But secondly, that guy should have a shirt on.

Teachers don't walk around shirtless.

We'd love to. I'd love to. I work out. I love to go, hey, everybody.

I want them to see it.

Weird. Tell me what the theme's about. What's it about? Give me a little hint.

I'll watch the film later, but what's it about?

A student is bribing her teachers for better marks.

Creds to you.

Real situation.

That's authentic.

When I watch the film later, I don't want to see the teacher accepted the

Because you know what?

Again, not authentic.

He'd lose his job.

They'd both lose their jobs. Listen, Jerry, you got to go. Here's my big

problem. She can't look older than the teachers. So that, if you want teachers

to watch this, and that's your key audience, because if teachers watch

they'll tell their students.

Can we get started?

You look older than your teachers, so you might want to, maybe you should

a little more when you're a teenager.

You're still in high school, 30s. Okay, Jerry. Thank you. I'll get out of your

way. Get started. Get set up.

Okay, let's get this.

I want to back up because I want to get a... Give me a sec.

What now, Jerry? One more question. What is it, Jerry?

I was thinking about all the lack of authenticity, so I had an idea. Throw me

the scene.

I'm a real principal.

Principals always walk by classes, pop in, wave, get the authenticity, and I

a little part in the film. Kill two birds.

You know what, Jerry?

I like that.

Really? Yeah. Well, you said you did King Lear, right? I did.

To be or not to be.

Yeah. Could I have a line? I could do that accent. I could do a lot from

England. Maybe I'm on an exchange, principal exchange program.

Hello, good night, whatever.

Whatever you want me to say. The accent's great. It's great.

Just say,

heading out for the night. Heading out for the night. We drop the H.

Heading out for the night. That's perfect.

Heading out for the night. Just like that. Heading out.

any of the night that works that works just make sure you go down the hall all

the way to the parking lot next scene in the parking lot but hear me out this is

the important thing you have to stay there until you hear cut yes and i want

ruining a take thank you so much oh this is exciting wait in the hall in the

hall just wait i'll be ready we're ready when you call yes yes yes hey no one

takes your clothes off until this idiot's in the parking lot sorry

Okay, that's not... Can I have, like, a... If I'm heading out for the night,

I have, like, a bag or something? Sure.

Yeah, well, that's... Are you ready for me, Donald?

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Oh, boy. Okay, what does it mean? I... That... If one of my students wore that,

month detention, it's a two -inch, two inches... I don't even want to look from

the knees.

Jerry!

Sorry, listen.

The two inches, the skirt, that's the whole point, okay? That's why she's in

trouble. But you didn't say that, Mr.

Story Guy. You said it was a bribe. So maybe I'm following the story better

you are. Why don't I look at the script?

First position.

Oh, my gosh.

Jerry, I'm going to tell you something.

What? Malik recognized Twinkie from the internet. I don't really care right now

because I just got a part in the movie. So I got to go get in character and I

got to get this stupid hand sanitizer.

Oh, my God.

Don't worry about cleaning up. Find me something to get this off.

And I still see you, Jerry.

Back up.

Back up.

Back up.

Action. Head and out for the knot.

Sorry, I was saying it to myself first. That's okay.

Action.

I'm heading out for the knot. Jerry.

Could you just come in, deliver the line, and leave? Yeah. From the top.

And action.

I can't hear. Did you say action? Back up.

Back up.

Action.

Oh, don't answer. Don't answer, Jerry. Don't answer the phone, Jerry.

No. Do not answer the phone.

Jerry, you're in a movie.

Hang up the phone.

And action.

And now for the night.

Keep walking down the hall, all the way down the hall. Can one of them say bye?

No, Jerry, just leave.

Action.

End note for the night.

Bye.

That's brutal acting. Jerry, come in. Say your line. Walk down the hall all

way to the parking lot. That's it. Can we switch roles?

I'm not worried about his performance.

Bye. Bye.

And action.

End note for the night.

Bye. Thank you.

You. I'd fire. Because I'm your boss. Leave.

Leave, Jerry. All the way down. This mic didn't even come over to my line.

In action.

And out for the night.

Bye.

Okay,

boys. Which way?

Just pick away.

Any way.

I still see you.

I'm just going to ask one more thing. Let's do this.

Long scene. We've been on here for like two hours.

It can take a while for some actors.

I'm bigger than these actors, probably.

You're not bigger than Brock.

No? Brock's big?

Yeah. Never heard of him.

Oh, Donald said I could also get a copy of the film when it's ready. How long

will that be?

It should be ready by the morning.

Whoa.

Hollywood moves fast.

Can you get me a shirt?

Sure. All right.

Hey. How great was last night?

I always thought magic was scary because of Satan, but that was fun.

Can you believe he swallowed a kitten whole?

Yeah. No, thanks for inviting me. I had a great time.

Oh, my pleasure.

Look, you can e -transfer me the money. Your cash works, too. Wait, what money?

Uh, for the ticket? They were $120 each, so... But I assumed,

because you said you got us tickets, that mine was covered.

That's why I... Paid for dinner and got a t -shirt. And paid for valet parking,

which is $50 because you are pregnant by a man.

Lucky. When I said I got us the tickets, I didn't mean I was going to pay for

your ticket.

I'm a teacher, Nisha. I'm expecting a baby. I'm not made out of money.

E -transfer works best.

Okay.

Let's do it again sometime.

Now, trust me, Lucy, committing to a major next year is scary, but you should

have no problems transferring if you're unhappy because you have such good

grades. Bill said the same thing.

Well, I would also like to add that a lot of people find it helpful to take a

year off, you know, travel around, get to know themselves a bit better.

He said that, too.

Well, did he also tell you the benefits of studying abroad?

What else did the wise and knowing Bill have to say? You interrupted before he

could say anything else. I was kind of hoping there'd be some new information

this meeting, but there's not.

I think you should leave.

Okay, everybody.

You can see I have a little surprise for you on your lunch.

As you have heard, we filmed a blockbuster movie here last night, and I

asked to be a part of the movie, and of course I said yes.

What is he talking about, and why didn't you warn me about it?

You were out sick that day, and you're not the principal.

Also, I don't care. I got to be friends with one of the production assistants,

also known as a PA, and he got me the movie that we shot last night, this

morning, so I could show you.

my scene oh he also gave me a t -shirt which only cast and crew get these

so you can't have it so without further ado enjoy my

feature film i didn't get the title

either great company nice people

Twinkie, I don't think it's her real name because she's in a...

What are you

doing, Mr. Cheely?

Can I talk to you for a second? Why did you stop my film? Because it's an adult

film. First of all, it's a drama suspense about a teacher getting bribed

student. How do you think she bribes them? I don't want to know the ending. I

haven't seen it yet.

Shut up.

I don't know if it's his piercing eyes or his firm handshake or his promise of

fame in exchange.

But I did have a cameo just like you.

So somewhere out there on the low -low, there's a motion picture with a little

chili cameo in it.

And why are you telling me this?

I guess just because people in glass porn houses shouldn't throw kidney

you know?

The old saying.

Yeah, I don't know what that means.

Here you go, con artist. Thanks for the invite.

And they should wait.

Yeah, it's all here.

You can go.

Hey, Mr. D.

How'd you enjoy David Dante last night?

It was incredible.

I believe in magic now. Thank you so much for the ticket.

Anything for my daughter's favorite teacher. Now go on, get out of here.

Were those tickets free?

Oh, mine was.

Can you see me?

Yes. You don't know how David Dante does it. He has a smoke machine and lasers.

And he's a magician. You're just a lady in a magician's T -shirt outside a

school in the middle of the sunshine.

So cool.

Friendship is so hard for me.

Does somebody want a ticket for the massage train?

No. Frank. What's wrong?

I have a PhD.

I even took some extra specialty courses just so I would excel as a guidance

counselor. And after all that, the best advice that I can offer the students is

the exact same advice as some deadbeat barista smoothie guy.

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.

Bill's been a bartender for a long time.

That makes it even worse.

No, no, sweet angel. What I'm saying is you got it backwards.

Bartending and guidance counseling is pretty much the same gig, except they've

got alcohol and they're hotter.

They hear a lot of problems and they give good advice.

So you're saying that Bill's supposed to be better at my job than me?

On any given day, yeah.

But today, you gave the same advice as Bill.

Mazel tov.

Found it.

Found what?

The chili porn.

No, you did not.

Yeah, I had to go down a pretty disgusting rabbit hole to get there.

society. Murder.

Porn. Have you ever seen porn before?

Yes, I've seen porn. Not as much as you, probably, but I watch it. Thank you.

Then I turn it off because it's... Oh, hold on. Let's put it on the big screen.

Oh, I could see it right there.

Ah, right there. Okay.

Why is it on both, though? Because it's around porn.

All right.

Better. Oh, Donald P. Franklin. I get it.

That's the production company, DTF.

I thought this was something else.

Nope.

Ah, Robert Cheely. Cheely.

I didn't get my name in it.

She looks great.

Yeah, there he is. There he is, the champion.

I'm heading out for the night.

I've been a bad, bad boy, Mommy.

Stepmother. Here we go.

But Popcorn's actually what makes me most uncomfortable about this whole

I don't know why it was hard to watch the whole thing.

What if he's in the climax?

I was better than Robert.

I was better than Robert there.

I'd be better than Donald T. Franklin.

No one will put him in the movie now.

For more Mr. D, please check out the website.

JerryD .com