Original subtitles

Hey. Hey.

Oh, hey. What's going on in there?

Just a little thing I started. Poster Fridays.

Socials and drinks. Put up a poster, right, so the kids can't see us having a

few drinks.

Have to start doing a better job keeping track of what's going on socially

around here.

Oh, I don't think that's a good idea, Robert.

Everybody's having fun. Yeah. You're the vice principal, though, right?

Yeah. I get it. Yeah.

I'm technically their boss, right? True.

Who'd want to drink with their boss?

Exactly so.

Guess that's what I get for joining the administration.

Excuse me, Robert.

Oh, hey.

Hey, listen.

What are you doing?

The boss is here.

I'm awesome.

No, you're not, dude. Don't lie.

I'm awesome. I'm driving around in my mom's ride. I'm awesome. A quarter of my

life gone by.

Bill, check this out.

What's this?

That's Paul Dwyer. He teaches at my school, and he's stripping. The

That's him.

How can you tell? His face is all covered up.

Because I teach with him every day, Bill. I know what he looks like. This

thinks he's Mr.

Perfect, and he's a stripper.

I don't know if that's him.

Maybe you should just ask him instead of jumping to conclusions.

Ask him? You think he's going to admit to it? Mr.

Charity here? How many nicknames do you have for this guy? Mr. Perfect, Mr.

Charity. Manaconda.

Mr. D. No, not...

I go to the strip joint, and I'm going to record him stripping. You cannot

record video in a strip club. Trust me. I'm not going to set up a tripod, Bill.

I'm going to be discreet.

Come with me. No, I don't watch men undress.

Don't tell me you've never stumbled upon gay porn and then accidentally watched

it for a few seconds.

How many seconds?

Three minutes.

No. Neither.

Good luck with this.

More two. Two minutes.

I never realized that I was.

Hello, Trudy.

I know you hate this particular day, but we did want to express how much we

appreciate everything that you do around here. Thank you, sir. And if I could

just add... No, you could not.

Okay.

Happy Secretary's Day, Trudy.

Did you guys plan anything for a special day?

Absolutely not.

Secretary's Day, it's a very important day for a very important part of any

office. I mean, I don't know that many secretaries, but I know you are so good

at your job. So I'm going to make your Secretary's Day the best Secretary's Day

in the history of Secretary's Days.

All right, I'll be back.

Let's go.

Hey, wait, see Bobby?

Do I look like I've seen Bobby?

What does that even mean? How would you look if you've seen Bobby?

Like this.

Oh, that's the best I've seen Bobby look. I've seen someone.

All right.

I need to find Bobby because I need to get my $5 in for this week's lottery

pool. How did you find out about that?

I am always in that.

The more people that find out about that, the less money there is to win.

Wayne, there's $35 million up for grabs. There's enough money for everybody.

You guys don't want to know what I would do if I won that kind of money.

the bears I would buy. What?

Fifty -three.

What?

Tell me where Bobby is or not.

He's with the team.

Uh, the racket cock until seven o 'clock.

What team?

You know, the team.

Racket cock.

They're called badminton.

They're shuttlecock. Same thing. No, racket.

Okay, look. Well, I gotta leave. Okay. I need you to do me a favor. Sure. I need

you to give Bobby five dollars from me. I give it to Bobby? You sign my name on

the lottery sheet. I do it all the time. Don't forget. I won't. Okay. If you are

for serious about pandas, Malik knows a guy.

Yeah, I don't.

I don't need a panda.

Five dollars. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, Paul.

Jerry.

What are you up to tonight?

I got a lot of marketing to do, so I'll probably just hang and do that. Yeah?

Anything else hanging tonight?

Excuse me?

Are you hanging with anyone else tonight?

No, when I'm marking, I just got to be by myself.

Not me, man.

Speeds up the process when I have other people around when I'm marking. How's

that? Invite some friends over, have a few drinks, pass out some stuff to mark.

It's done quick.

Are they teachers?

No. So how do they know what they're marking?

Because they're adults. They're not stupid. They can mark high school stuff.

It's not hard.

Plus, frees up my time for maybe another job if I want. Hey, well, teaching's a

full -time job for me. So I'll see you later. Or tonight.

Obviously a stripper.

You guys?

Hi, Jerry.

Tonight, you lose your virginity.

Thanks, Jerry, but I like women.

Now with me.

Girls, go on a strip joint. Oh, no, no, no, no, thanks. Not really my scene.

More of a sci -fi fan.

Dwyer is a stripper. And you know who goes to strip joints with female

strippers? Hundreds of women looking for their Simon. Dwyer's a stripper? Yes.

I didn't know that.

Has everyone in the school been talking about this? They know this? No.

It's a secret life that I uncovered.

Because he wears a mask.

He is the Manaconda. Look at that.

Manaconda. That's his name.

Great name.

No,

that's not Dwyer.

That is Dwyer. No, Dwyer's got a different chin. No, Simon.

It does look like Dwyer's lips. That's Dwyer's little mustache for sure.

It's Dwyer.

And he's stripping on the side.

And we gotta catch him in the act, because he's not being a very good role

model. Okay?

I don't know, Jerry. Who cares?

We can't have a guy stripping when he's a teacher.

Now, are you in or not?

Think of the girls.

Okay. I'm in.

But we can't hurt Paul. When we go, you can't be doing all this. You gotta be

cool. Okay.

Just act like you belong.

What should I wear?

I don't know.

Wear your lab coat.

Get on stage.

Wear nothing under it. That'd be fun.

Maybe they'll call you up. Maybe there's an amateur night.

No. No, no, no.

Hey, Trudy.

Okay.

Robert, today is Secretary's Day, so I need you to go get me some coffee.

That's not Trudy's job today.

Okay, Sarah, I will do it today since it is Secretary's Day. You guys are too

much. If I don't have to get Mr.

Callahan's coffee, I have nothing to do today.

Maybe I should just go home. Yes, you should, Trudy, because today Robert is

secretary. Okay, sir.

Yay!

Happy Secretary's Day, Trudy.

Isn't that charming?

Ms. Mason, is that what you think I do here at the school?

No, it was just a sweet thing that the kids put together. How about you guys go

back to lunch?

Okay, good job. Really good job. I think you should leave, too.

Okay, I don't get it, Trudy. It was just a really sweet thing they put together.

I thought it was adorable.

You know what?

I'm a little busy here. It may surprise you to know that I have some non -coffee

-related work to do, okay?

Okay, I am so sorry.

Look, let's do a real celebration.

Get the staff together. We can all have some drinks. We'll take you out and

we'll celebrate.

They're not going to put on a play, are they? No, no play. Just drinks.

Fine.

But only because I really like drinks.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, remember, we gotta be discreet. We're probably the only guys in here.

Lay low.

Got it.

Looks like we weren't the only guys with this idea, Jerry.

Got some competition for these ladies.

Where are the ladies?

No.

I think these guys want to fight us.

They've been staring at us since we got in here.

Trust me, they don't want to fight us.

When do the women get here?

Look, there's no women, okay? I didn't know it's a gay strip club. I didn't

that.

You tricked me, Jerry. I didn't trick you. I honestly didn't know, all right?

We're here. We'll find Dwyer. They'll think we're a couple. It doesn't matter.

I like that they'll think we're a couple. Of course you do. It means they

our friendship in the way we carry ourselves. Yes, they do. What are you

Well, well, Dan, we're dating.

Okay, well, if you change your mind. I like meat?

The nerve of that guy talking to me right in front of you. Okay, you don't

to fake it that much, all right?

You're just mad because he liked me more.

I'm not mad, Simon. He came to you because he's a skinny stripper. Skinny

stripper, skinny guy.

He knows I'm out of his league. He's not going to try to get me.

Oh, get out of here.

He's with me and we don't want any dances.

I'm detecting a little jealousy, but don't worry, because guess who I'm

here with tonight?

You.

Simon, the reason they're coming to you is because they think you will pay them.

To dance for you.

That's why they're not coming to me. Because they think that's what you will

You will pay.

If I wanted these guys coming up to me, I would get them coming up to me.

Okay, let's see. I don't need to prove it to you.

Step out. If I step out, they're going to come to me. And they're going to

I want dancing. And I don't want that. But I could if I wanted.

Step out. I could step out. Step out.

Just got to come out a little bit.

Get away from you. Hello.

Didn't hear me.

They got straight dark. Hey, is it Jerry?

I've got what it takes to make men want me to pay them to dance for me. Drink.

I'm sorry, it's just the two of us.

I guess it was too last minute to get anyone else out.

That's all right. Don't worry about it.

I'm having a grand old time sitting at a bar drinking with you alone.

Yeah.

So the Xavier volleyball team is doing really well this year.

Are they?

Yeah.

Maybe we should just get the bill.

You called?

Oh.

Bill. Bill, Bill.

Humor. This is very nice. What's this all about? I figured you guys are

regulars, and you've got to work with my roommates, so I'll do a round of drinks

on me. That's very sweet, Bill. Thank you. That's who I am. Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

All right, well, I'll let you get back to the rest of your evening. But also,

also, I was wondering, what are you guys talking about?

Volleyball. Volleyball.

That's a weird choice. Usually people just, like, complain about their

or talk about, like, who's hooked up and who's single and who's not single.

You guys are both single, right? Yeah. Yeah, we are. Okay, all right, worth

knowing.

Good to know. Well, I have a story about Callahan and a certain English teacher

who no longer works at Xavier.

No. Ta -da. I'm all ears.

See, I'm very good at starting conversations. Maybe I can show you some

No, Bill.

That's okay. Thank you. I want to hear this story.

All right. Well, enjoy the free drinks.

You are all ears. I didn't want to say anything, but you kind of are.

Anyway, Callahan.

Hey, Bobby, it's Jerry.

Listen, I just want you to know I gave Malik my $5 for this week's lottery

okay? I forgot to see you. I don't want to miss that in case we win, so I'm

officially leaving you in a message. And here's Simon. He's my witness, just to

confirm. Tell Bobby I left the money with him. Hi, Bobby. You'll never

where Jerry took me.

Anyway, thank you, Bobby. I just want to confirm. I, Jerry Duncan, am officially

in this week's staff lottery pool, and I will sign the key when I get back,

okay? I don't want to miss it, all right?

Because I never want to miss that, right? What happens if you win?

No, if we won and you weren't in it, we couldn't be friends anymore. And why's

that? Money changes people.

I'd be better than you. Is Manaconda working tonight?

Yeah, he is.

Not on stage tonight. He's working VIP.

20 bucks a song, worth every penny.

Okay, do they play the whole song or do they cut it off halfway? I hate when

they cut it off and you're right in the middle of it. Did you guys want a drink?

Okay, yeah, let's get a drink.

Do you have any coolers?

Who would you rather, Malik or Simon?

Who would I rather what? Oh, my God.

Seriously? Oh, you mean like... Ha -ha.

Neither. They're both friends.

Come on. Everybody's your friend. You must have some heat with somebody.

No, not at work. That would just be so... Oh, that'd be wrong.

All right. What about Jerry?

No. God.

Just a friend.

He's just my friend. Come on, sweetie. There must be somebody that you'd like

take a run at.

You guys want anything else?

Yes, we would like another round. And you think about your answer while I'm

gone. I will think.

Okay.

Sounds like you guys are having a great time.

Oh, I'm so relieved. He just hated me this morning.

Well, I would like to think that my charming service and delicious drinks

helped. Oh, yeah. You're a big hit with Trudy. Just Trudy? Is there anybody else

at this table who thinks I'm great? You know what? I think there is.

Is there? Mm -hmm.

All right. He's picking up the drinks right now.

Well played.

I thought so, too. All right.

I'm on fire.

Hey.

Where'd you get that?

I don't know. Some guy just threw it in my pocket. Said, uh, it's what they do

here. Cool.

Lend in. Lend in is nice.

Oh, don't tap your foot in the bathroom.

Sends the wrong message. Noted.

Listen, Dwyer is in there.

I'm going to go in, get a dance, take the mask off, videotape it. We got it.

Cool. And even if it's not Dwyer, still had a fun night.

Wait here.

Okay.

Have a seat, handsome.

And get ready to experience the secret.

Of ancient Egypt. The secrets of the pyramid.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. I'm ready. Blah, blah.

Are you ready for the King Tut Strut? Yeah, I'm ready, Paul. Like, are you

really continuing this, seriously? I'm Manaconda.

Yeah, and you know who I am, so... Todd?

No. What are you doing? Give it up. I'm on to you. You ready for the dance?

Yeah, I'm ready for the dance. You're really committing to this, aren't you?

you ready to take it to another level? Yeah. Let's take it up, Paul. Let's do

down. When are you going to stop? Okay, okay. You're really going? Okay. You

know what? That's enough. That's enough.

Okay, Paul. I get it.

I get it. Excuse me? Excuse me?

Lauren!

Simon!

Lauren! Simon!

Where is he? He's usually pretty quick. You know, I just saw him out there when

I came in. The guy with the striped shirt? Yeah, yeah. He was up front

But it's about time, man.

Get this guy out of here. You don't need to wear a mask. Look at you. You're

beautiful. I know I'm beautiful.

Thank you.

I knew it wasn't Dwyer Shepard.

I'm Anaconda!

Did we win any money this week? No, we didn't win anything this week. But not

all of... lost because i got this really funny message from jerry begging me to

make sure i got the money for the list it was ridiculous it went on for like

five minutes on and on begging and does he know that we lost no not yet all

right let's not tell him let's let's pretend we won the whole thing the

oh no that's really mean i absolutely love it okay uh okay oh

five 13

savages. Just wait, Wayne. Suckers!

No more gross Bobby's voice piercing my ears. No more Callahan showing up in my

dreams at night. And you, the devil. No more weasel eyes piercing through

my skull. Wayne, wait.

We were just playing a little joke on Jerry. We didn't win the lottery.

What kind of joke is that? And you were in on this?

What are you doing?

What an idiot.

You think that's funny?

Well, it was.

Well, that was funny.

Jerry, I forgot to give Booboo your money. I owe you $5.

So I'm up $5. You're all down $5. So I'm the winner.

Come in, you wain.

I hear there's an opening in the library.

I'd like to apply.

Hey, Trudy. Got you a chai mocha latte, nonfat, no whip, with sprinkles.

Oh, thank you. What a nice way to start a Monday.

And this one is for you to bring to Callahan.

This is for me.

Isn't that hot?

Listen, I couldn't help but notice that Bill was checking you out. Oh, well, he

checks out everything with legs.

He's kind of a hound. Yeah, he's a smoking hot hound.

I'm just saying I thought it was interesting.

Well, he's just not really my type.

Well, you know, sometimes the ones that aren't your type turn out to be the most

fun. Yeah, I guess so.

Hey, we should all go out again soon to Barrel's drinking. I have a lot of fun.

Yeah, let's do that again.

I'll tell you what. I'll call you. Really?

Keep your phone close by. I will. I'm turned on. Enjoy your coffee. I will.

Wow.

See you later.

Jared, what did you end up doing this weekend?

I just got caught up on stuff. That's all.

I have to loosen it up a bit. Are you back?

Oh, yeah, just, okay.

Oh, good.

That's what I was talking about. Yeah. That's what my students were talking

about.

Let me take it easy.

You know, he did look like Manaconda from this angle. From this angle, he

a lot like Manaconda.

Mr. Duncan, I have never had any problems with Stefan at home. He's

advanced. He started walking at eight months. Well, now he's 12, and everybody

in the school can walk. So now I just got to get him to pay attention when

in class.

What are you doing?

I thought I would. He's on Friday. Yeah, I'm talking to a parent right now,

Norman. I've got to go. We can just finish this later on.

What a crazy place.

Hi, Jerry. Look, I thought I had a friend there that I knew, so that's why

was a mistake.

Oh, you thought you knew somebody. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's how it starts, Jerry.

Bouncer, bartender, door guys, cowboys with six shooters.

Wednesday's hump day.

See you there, Jerry.

No, you won't.

Sorry, Josh. Hey, guys.