Original subtitles

Okay, bring it in.

Where's my tablet? I had a tablet right here. Where is it? A guy in a ski mask

came in and took it.

You're telling me a man with a ski mask came in right in front of you and took

my tablet?

That's exactly what we're saying.

And why didn't you do anything?

What do you want us to do? We're seven years old.

You're seven years old, but there's 21 of you. Power in numbers.

I thought he was your friend.

Why would you think a man in a ski mask was my friend?

Maybe he didn't want anyone to know he's your friend. We don't admit to anyone

you're our teacher.

Shots fired, Philip. Why would you hurt me like that? I have to now go tell the

office that a man with a mask came in here and robbed me.

Yep, bye.

I'll be back.

I'm awesome.

No, you're not, dude. Don't lie.

Folks, to your attention, please. As we all know, there's been a rash of thefts

recently. Most recent victim being Jerry's tablet.

One of Malik's mops was missing and no meeting.

Just an observation. May I? We're working on finding the suspect. But in

meantime, we must remain vigilant. So effective immediately, side entrances

be locked. And hereforth, the main entrance and hallways will be patrolled

Ron.

I look forward to making friends and keeping those friends safe.

That's a great idea, Robert, but what's he going to do?

What?

Good.

I will have you know that my security record is flawless.

Zero incidents on my watch, and I plan on keeping it that way.

Test me, and you'll see what happens.

Are you going to... Like, run after someone if they steal it?

Okay.

I may not be able to run far, but I run pretty fast over short distances.

You betcha.

Just the hand on the... What's... Why is his hand... So, from here, Ron, in,

you're gonna need ID cards to get in and out of the school.

Stop. No ID, no entry. Isn't that overkill, Robert?

Okay.

Tablets are a gateway theft.

First, they take the tablets. Next, they take the kids.

Okay.

Sorry. I'm just saying... Okay, I get it.

It's good, because I was getting tired from walking back and forth.

It's quite a distance.

You see me lose my balance there? At the end there? No.

Look at this.

We saw you fall, and we heard you fall.

It's official.

My son was born.

Birth certificate arrived today.

Wow. Oh, so you're going with Craig, huh? Mm -hmm. I assumed that was a

placeholder. Why? It means rock.

Yeah, like the rock -hard body of the original Craig.

You know, Bobby's ex.

I thought that was Greg.

Oh, you don't forget a name that's attached to a specimen like that.

Whatever. It's just a coinky -dink. Oh, really? Did you choose the name? Bobby

had her heart set on Craig.

Her heart isn't the only thing she had set on Craig.

Hey, if you know what I mean.

No. Herpa JJ.

I ate lunch.

Someone got to eat lunch. Hello.

Get in line, sir.

No, I'm not.

I'm on lunch.

Don't make me ask you again.

Why are you grabbing nothing?

It's where my baton would be if I were allowed to carry a baton.

Well, that's just stupid.

You're stupid.

Back in line.

This guy for real?

What do you have to do? You have nothing. I have lunch.

Hello there.

No cutting.

Sir,

I'm going to need your bag.

Why? It's my lunch.

You've been randomly selected for secondary screening.

I'm getting juked.

Hurry up. You can have my lunch.

I think I feel something.

Is it necessary?

Okay, that's just a sandwich with... I'll be the judge.

I'm going to need your shoes too.

Just put them on the fries.

They're good.

Okay. I don't want you to lose any of your fries.

Great. And now just to see your ID card.

It's in my office. I don't have it. No ID, no entry.

Oh, come on. You just saw me this morning. This is getting ridiculous.

Hey,

Lisa, can you just explain to this idiot?

Looks like you're going to need a visitor's pass. Fine. Then give me a

pass. Will do.

Steps aside.

I'll have it.

Shocker. Sometimes you don't eat on this job. You know what I mean? Sometimes I

go hours without eating.

Days even.

Hey, ladies.

Guess what?

What? Bingo.

It finally happened.

Me and Simon went all the way to Chinatown and back.

And then back to Chinatown because Simon forgot his wallet.

If you know what I mean.

Oh, right.

And Chinese food.

Oh, my God, you guys.

It was so magical.

I wish you'd been there. Simon and I were close before, but this experience

taken our closeness to a whole other level. Well, that's good, because, you

know, all that pent -up horniness can make your balls fall off.

Oh, jeez. And orgasms help the brain to breathe.

Oh, there is the man that turned this prepubescent caterpillar into a slutty

butterfly. That's my third period attendant.

Hi, Simon.

You think that's it?

Hi, Simon.

What's up?

That's it.

That was devastating.

You guys see me, right?

Hey, Robert.

How about this new security guard? Isn't he the best?

I'm not sure we're sending the right message to parents having a security

here. But we're sending a message to criminals. Go rob another school.

Okay. But it seems like an unnecessary expense.

Jerry, there haven't been any incidents since you started.

It's been one day.

Well, then I say it's worth it. As long as there continue to be no incidents.

I don't like this.

Hey, Ryan.

There's nothing else.

computers. We're not stealing them. We're going to get them backed up.

Hold it.

These are heavy. Stop complaining.

We gotta go quick. We gotta go quick here.

Well, what do we have here?

You gotta be kidding me.

Why are you stealing the computers?

We're not. We're backing them up. Thank you. We're backing them up. Shouldn't

jump to conclusions Amanda Susan. Now take a hike. 100 bucks or I sing like a

canary.

That's not going to happen. I see what you're trying to do. You're trying to

make me give you money so you don't tell.

What's that called?

Blackmail? Blackmail. No, that's not the word I'm looking for. Contortion.

Contortion. You're trying to contort me.

The word's extortion, sir.

Extortion. What did I say?

Contortion. Nice try with the extortion.

But what I might do is give you a couple bonus marks if you get out of my face.

Cash.

We want cash, too.

Stay out of this, Philip. This is between me and Mr. Duncan.

Okay. I only have 20.

I'll take it. Okay, get out of my face. You can pay me the rest tomorrow.

Plus interest.

Let's go.

Oh, my God.

Ka -ching!

We've had an incident.

I find that hard to believe. Not on Ron's watch. Yeah, on Ron's watch.

Unfortunately, somebody got by Ron.

Two computers were stolen.

No.

Oh, no, no.

It's a computer lab.

Hey, guys, what's up? Mr. Sims, when you came into class today, were those two

computers not missing?

No, they've been here all morning.

In fact, they're running better than ever. How's that possible?

Well, thank you so much for wasting our time.

Everything all right in here?

Funny you should ask, Ron.

Jerry here thought the two computers had been stolen.

Those two right there.

Well, not on my watch.

That's funny. That's funny.

How did you do it, Ron?

I do not know of that to which you refer, kind sir.

Because those were stolen last night, and you were the last person in the

school. Well, Jerry, how can something be stolen when they're right here?

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Get off me.

Did you see that?

Yeah, I saw it.

Embarrassing. There's my girthy Misha whisperer. Hey.

Hey, how's your day going?

It's going.

I was hoping maybe we could grab lunch together.

I already ate.

Simon Hunt, I do not like this side of you.

No?

Well, how about this side?

That is it!

Ever since our special night, you've been a complete dick! You've been rude!

An inconsiderate. You haven't been yourself at all. Maybe I wasn't myself

our special night. You ever think of that, Veronica Mars?

Where are you going now? To take a shower.

A shower?

You've been sweating me all day, girl.

How's that for a shower?

Oh, my word.

What happened to me?

I know it came over me.

Well, how about we figure it out over dinner tonight?

Chinese?

Oh.

Yeah, I love Chinese.

I need to get an egg roll.

Well, we'll see.

I want to cut right to the chase.

Did you name our love baby after your ex?

Yep. Why?

Look, I just did. It's not calling him our love baby. The baby wasn't conceived

out of love. It was conceived out of drunk.

Drunk in love.

No. Nope, just drunk.

This is very hurtful. Well, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say to you right

now. Say that we can change the name.

Robert Jr.

is still available, or I'm open to other options. What about Stan?

Okay, that's not going to happen, okay? It would traumatize that baby.

This is traumatizing to me. I just named the baby after the person I wished was

the father.

Oh.

Well, that's no better.

That's worse.

Well, you want our baby to grow up to be a strong, strapping, beautiful man,

right? Of course I do. I gave it a strong, drafting, beautiful name. Like

act, Craig.

Well, then, Craig, it is.

It's on the bridge. Bye, Craig.

If I didn't know how much your mom secretly loves me, a conversation like

would have destroyed me.

Okay, slowly, slowly.

Look, guys.

Slow down.

These things are heavy. Yep, I see that. You guys can go back to class. Thank

you. Don't you want us to push it up the ramp?

No, I don't want you to push it up the ramp, because it's probably going to

back and hit you in the face.

Go, get to class. See ya.

Well, well.

Shut up.

Are you kidding me?

Aren't you supposed to be in class? I am, but my teacher left this deal.

Photocopiers.

All right, how much?

$200. $200? Why did you double it?

Bigger secret, bigger cost.

I only have $40.

Start.

So now I have no money for my lunch. You might want to give food a break for the

day.

Finally

learning.

You didn't happen to have any incidents last night, did you, Ron?

Actually, I had a pretty big incident, actually.

Yeah, I bet.

My neighbor's cat ran away.

Excuse me?

That's it? Yeah, that's it.

Oh, uh, before you go, mind putting this up on the bulletin board for me?

What is that? Just one of the flyers I photocopied this morning. What? That's

right. I copied the first 50 off the staff room copier.

You what?

The second 50? Those are from the second floor copier. Better not be more.

And the last 50.

That glorious office copier.

Great. Thank you. No, there's no cat.

It's official.

My son is now named after his biological papa.

What?

You changed Craig's name without my consent?

Well, I legally changed my name to Craig without your consent.

What are you talking about? Introducing Craig Robert Cheely.

Kind of takes the shine off the old Craig, huh? Um, Robert.

Um, Craig.

Technically, this means that now you're named after your son and not the other

way around. Kind of a which came first, the chicken or the...

Craig. You're a moron, Robert.

You're a moron. Craig.

Not you, Craig.

Excuse us, Craig.

There she is.

There's my little butternut squash.

Simon, it's so nice to see you back to your old self. It is good to be back.

Yeah, everything's back to normal. Obviously, I've got a little monster

inside me, waiting to rear his ugly, wrinkled head again, like the film

Yeah. Except, unlike that film, my monster doesn't come out of my chest,

he's circumcised.

What's that? Yeah, okay. So, Simon, when he... He

becomes a real dick.

Guilty.

Yeah, so no more sex for this fella.

For how long?

Oh, forever.

Yeah? Yeah, it's not worth risking again. No, you can't risk it. It's

it's win -win.

For who exactly?

Oh, red light. Red light.

And then I wait.

So... Okay, green light.

No, red light. Red light. Red light.

Oh, that's a hard red.

Well, Ron, have fun replacing all these girls.

Duncan. Oh, give me a break. Are you ever in class?

Are you? Look, I have no more money. I'm broke.

Pay up or I'll sing.

You're not going to sing.

Oh, Ron.

Come on. Have fun.

Stop right there.

Don't you move.

I see you.

Don't you move, sucker.

We got something for you.

I read something for you.

What are we doing here, man?

Just admiring our trophy.

We both know as soon as I turn my back, you're going to take that trophy, and

then I'm going to spend the whole night tracking down the trophy manufacturer,

engraving all the names, and then we'll restart this cycle all over again.

I knew it. Do you have any idea how much those computers cost?

You know how expensive it is to rent moving vans last minute?

Look at us.

Just a couple of guys trying to make an honest living.

Pathetic.

What do you say, Jerry?

Truth?

Sure, you did.

False alarm.

Morning, Mr. D.

Ronald.

I got you a gift.

A little peace offering.

A baton. Yeah.

Jerry, this is the nicest thing anyone ever gave me.

Stop it. But I'm not supposed to.

You are supposed to. You deserve this.

Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't have.

You should have that, like every other card.

Yeah, yeah, stay in here, buddy.

All right.

Last dollar I spent on that thing.

Okay, you two lovebirds down here?

You want to move it along?

Watch out for this one.

Oh, I think I'm equipped to handle it now, thanks to you, friend.

Hi, Ron.

Take off your bag and give me your shoes.

Really coming around to Ron.

Well, glad to hear it.

Seriously, I'm not taking my shoes off, Ron. Oh, please.

Please push me. Push him. What are you talking about?

Oh! Oh, my God! One time, lady. Ron. Ron. Ron.

Give me that.

There's the boy.

Didn't know it did that.

Please get out of here.

Go.

Jerry, I can't help you.

They're letting me go.

Good call, Robert. He should not be bringing a weapon in.

Where'd he get that?

Yeah, you gotta get rid of this stuff, man. I can't bring it back to the

They replaced everything.

Well, you can barely get around it in here.

Break that, you buy it.

I'll think of something.

Copiers, computers, copiers.

This is your idea?

I want a copier, computer.

Good deal, good price. Want a computer, buddy? You look like you're a smart guy.

I gotta get out of here, man. There's no way we're making money here.

And this is super sketchy. Because you gotta push the product. Come on in the

truck, girl. I'll show you a computer.

I mean, I got copiers and computers.

Can't believe she didn't go for that.

Gentlemen. What are you doing here? How did you find me?

Who's this?

This.

80 % of the profit.

No, I'm not giving you another cent. I'm done paying you off. It's over, Amanda

Susan.

What are you doing?

Congratulations. You just made it 90%, and you don't leave here until

everything's sold.

Otherwise, I'll take this, the chili.

All right, I can take it off, buddy.

You know how to ride a bike.

Maybe not, but I know how to make a deal.