Original subtitles

Hello. Boom, boom, brother love. Boom, boom, brother love. Just boom.

Boom. Boom. Sir, are we going to learn anything today?

Yes. You're learning a personalized handshake with me. You've been doing it

Stefan for ten minutes.

Oh, excuse me, Susie Stopwatch. I wasn't timing myself, but we're trying to

learn it for the first time, and everybody's going to get a chance.

You're just trying to waste class time.

No, I'm not. I'm trying to motivate you. Trying to do something different and

fun so everybody comes in excited.

I saw this in a video once. It was very viral and positive, Miss Negative Nancy.

There. You just learned something.

Okay. Where were we now?

I forget. Forget where we were, so I got to start over.

All right. Ready?

I'm awesome.

No, you're not, dude. Don't lie. I'm awesome. I'm driving around in my mom's

ride. I'm awesome. Recorder of my life gone by.

I'm awesome.

Hello, Jerry.

What the?

What are you doing in my class, Lisa?

Well, I'm very concerned about my son.

Your stepson?

It's the same thing.

It's not the same thing. He doesn't have your DNA inside his body.

Anyway. Where's security?

Kids get security. You're crazy.

What do you want? I'm very concerned about Alex's well -being at this school,

and so I'm here to audit your class.

I know what this is.

Because I just told you. You're obsessed with me like a crazy woman.

What? I was never... Big time.

No. Obsessed like a nut job.

I was never obsessed with you, Jerry.

Let me just explain something.

I have zero interest in you.

Actually, I have less than zero.

So if you think you're coming here to woo me over, that's not going to happen,

sister. Okay, there's no wooing going on here. I have a real husband who has a

real house and a real job and a wonderful child, and that makes me a

parent. Step -parent. You're not a real parent. I intend to make sure that my

dear boy gets a nurturing and competent education.

Hey, Lex.

Come to watch me sweat?

Okay. Alex.

Okay. All right, Alex, that's enough, okay? Just, I'm here to evaluate your

teacher. Just pretend I'm not here.

Like that's possible.

Let's go. Come on, high five. Let's go. Gentlemen, that's how it's done. He's a

minor, so I don't know what you two have going on.

Don't be disgusting.

But that was pretty weird.

I'm just going to be sitting right over here and watching everything that you

do. Don't mind me.

If you got nothing better to do all day than sit here and watch me teach, go for

it. I don't, because my husband's really rich.

All right, everybody, same teams as yesterday. We're going to scrimmage

away. Let's go.

Malik, I assure you, he never meant to leave job.

Gerard, his chat to school was a elaborate joke.

So you leaving me high and dry was just a delightful ruse.

Very delightful ruse. See, the thing is, it felt kind of serious, especially

when the school became overrun with dust bunnies. Malik, very sorry, but he

didn't... So serious, in fact, I had to hire my man Keith here.

What's up, Kmart?

Please. Ksever is home away from the home. And families rely on benefits to

alive. Oh, family.

Guess you should have thought about family before you followed Jerry on his

little pilgrimage.

Yes, Malik is riddled with regret.

But isn't this a little unfair?

How so?

Charter school was Gerari's idea.

Go on.

Well, I could not help but notice that Gerari not only still... teacher, but

also get promotion?

This surprises me, Mr. Malick. I always saw you as someone who went high when

the others went low. You admit you are going low.

No. But I admit that I have seen your true colors, Phil Collins.

And they don't belong on this side of the wall with me and the payman.

Robert, why is Lisa sitting in on my classes?

Oh, my lanta.

You're the third teacher today to complain about this. What are you going

about it?

Sorry, Mr. Cheely, I don't mean to be a pain, but is it normal for a parent to

sit in on economics classes?

Sir, who's this?

Dave, new economics teacher.

Oh, hey, Dave. You're a future head of phys ed. Hey, man, love sports.

Thank you.

What's with the hat?

I just don't like to shake my head.

Okay. Um, to answer your question, Dave, it's not normal, but it's technically

not forbidden, so my hands are kind of...

Tied and not even in a fun way. Why don't you start acting like a principal

put your foot down? Aren't you the one in charge around here?

Yeah, I guess I am. So you get to make up the rules, you see?

Yes, I do.

Okay. So here's my solemn oath to you gentlemen. I am going to stop Lisa

McKenzie, nay Mason, from ever doing that again.

Wish me luck.

No, just do it. Mission accepted. Great.

Can we see?

The shape of your head.

No. Come on. It'll take two... Hey, you two. Break it up.

What are you doing?

Look, I'm a lover, not a fighter, but you can't be doing this in school.

Really? How come those two get to do it?

Hey! Oh!

Oh, God! Paul! Paul! I'm sorry.

What are you guys doing?

She made me do it!

I did not.

She asked me to cheat. You guys are supposed to be setting an example around

here. Yeah.

Look, look, here's the thing. Read a book. He wasn't. We were kissing. Ever

since we broke our kissing seal, we just, we can't keep our dewy lips off of

each other.

Guilty. Look, look, I'm the first guy to understand love is unquenchable thirst.

If Donna wasn't serving a lifetime sentence for murdering my ex -wife, man,

lips would be all over each other's bodies.

Yeah, yeah.

You guys can't be doing this in the library.

So we got to do better than this. Come on, let's go. Yeah, okay. I'm sorry,

Paul.

Robert. I gotta admit, I've never thought of you as much of a leader.

Thank you. When I saw this memo you sent to parents, officially banning them

from all classrooms at Xavier Academy, I thought, bravo. I wish I could have

seen Lisa's face when she read it. I didn't see her face because I hand

-delivered it during drop -off. No!

Do you want to see what it looked like? Yes.

That's classic.

Where's the memo banning her from the office?

Robert.

Trudy, Jerry.

Oh, hello, Lisa. Are you here to provide feedback on my class? Oh, wait, you

can't, because you're banned from my class now.

Don't worry about it, Jerry, because when I become PTA president, I'm going

petition to overturn that little ruling. I'm planning on being very, very active

in all aspects of the state of the economy.

My nomination.

You can nominate yourself all you want.

See you later, friends.

Good luck winning that.

Anyway, she's PTA president.

They don't have any power anymore.

Actually, they have quite a bit of power. She's a stepmom. Stepmom surely

be president. Stepmoms count.

Who else is nominated?

Hold on.

Let me just check.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Nobody.

Let me remind you, fellow teachers, if Lisa becomes PTA president, our lives

will be hell.

So keep calling the parents, and if you get a no, move down the list and call

the next parent.

Any luck with the recruits? Nothing. This is excuse after excuse. I've never

more people who care less about their kids.

Jerry, we might have to just accept our fate. Our lives are going to become a

living, breathing nightmare at the veiny hands of some vengeful stepmom.

Wait a minute.

I know that look.

Idea. We've been going about this all wrong. Like where this is going? Hit me.

We've been trying to find someone to take on this terrible position out of

goodness of their heart. Yeah?

We need to find someone who will run against Lisa for the pure pleasure of

seeing her fail.

The only thing is neither of us can run. Not us. I think I know a person who

hates her just as much as we do.

Who?

Alex's mom.

Lisa is Alex's mom. It's the only thing. His biological mom.

His real mom.

Operation birth mom.

I'm not calling it that.

Of course not.

So are you... Pregnant? Yes, I am.

Great. I once had to grow that in a bar and she was not.

I don't know what that's all about, but I'm Bobby.

Dean. Hi.

What's it like having a baby inside you? Okay, I'm having a hard time

concentrating on this right now because of that.

That's mad distracting.

I stop it.

They're really into it, though.

Quit it!

Quit it!

Oh, my God. Simon and Nisha, get a room.

Sorry, Bobby.

Bobby's friend.

Dave, new economics teacher. What's up?

Maybe you two people talk. Just look elsewhere, okay?

Perverts. You need to stop it or I am going to unleash my prenatal hormones

over you. You know what? You know what? I just had an idea.

Tell me. She is alone.

She is pregnant and looks like that with no prospects.

I can hear you.

And no, that's not it. It's because this is wildly inappropriate.

How can we be so insensitive as to do this in front of lonely Bobby and her

unborn bastard child?

Oh, my God.

Kate, for the record, I... been way lonelier than this oh so old so lonely

uncool what we did please forgive us bobby we are going to take our passion

elsewhere mea culpa mea culpa jazz i apologize reno dave

so what is the loneliest you've ever been what's

going on right now are you flirting with me i'm to be it that way yeah continue

this worked for you that's It's very, you know, I want to be a family guy

eventually, five years from now.

Love in your hustle, bud.

You're anybody so good at cleaning up other people's garbage.

Thank you for compliment, Mr. Bill.

Well, usually Jerry's ideas are beyond terrible, but you, diamond in the rough.

Yes, very kind of Jerry to recommend, especially after he royally...

Uh, we've actually been getting a lot of complaints about, uh, foot -long hairs

in the food.

I mean, I don't want to point any fingers, but... Awful.

Just... Awful. Which really begs the question, how, uh, attached are you to

thing? Oh, very.

When Malik was nine...

Mustache grew in saint whiskers, and he became insecure.

But kind sister said hair was something to be proud of and to never shy away

from its beauty. Then when parents told kind sister without telling him, Malik

swore to let it grow loud and proud until she was found.

But alas,

the search goes on.

Great. It's not like a religious thing. No, no. Oh, good. You got to shave,

otherwise you're fired.

Also, while you're at it, shave your head, too. Thanks, bud.

Malik started from bottom.

Now he's here.

Are you sure, Susan?

Yes, very interested. I just spoke to her. And Christine is perfect for this.

She just got divorced.

Oh, so hot.

Pity vote.

And she's an actual parent, which helps, right?

Right there.

Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go.

Christine? It's Jerry.

From the phone.

We just spoke.

Said you were interested.

ETA.

Christine? Hello?

Don't want to scare you here, but... Is that her? That's her.

I think those are her legs.

Is she dead?

Worse. I'd say she's... Gordon.

Christine!

Please don't give me back my son!

What? How are you?

Who am I? I just spoke to you on the phone like an hour ago. You said you

to be PTA president.

What happened?

Oh, right.

I just... I can't do that today. Come back tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Can't do tomorrow. The election's tomorrow.

This is hopeless. She's never going to win.

She'll be better than she was before.

I'm going to put that there, Christine, so we can look you in the eye, okay,

when we talk to you.

There she is.

Our new PTA president.

All right, everyone.

Welcome to the PTA elections.

Since we already have our nominee, we can bypass the empty campaign speeches

get to the drinks faster.

It's just a formality. I hereby motion for Lisa McKenzie to be our new PTA

president. I second the motion. Thank you so much. If no one opposes, I hereby

confirm Lisa McKenzie as our... We oppose.

Under what grounds?

Drumroll, please.

Hello,

Lisa.

Mic drop.

And while some of you might only consider me a step -parent... Get off

stage! She's never even been in labor, just so you have all the facts.

Please know that I have the biological need to safeguard your children's

educational needs.

Time's up, homewrecker!

We can't vote for a homewrecker.

Please vote for me, Lisa McKenzie, for PTA president, and

thank you.

No. No, no, boo, boo.

Time's up.

Yay!

Thank you so much, all you caring parents.

It's great to see so many familiar faces. Hey, Karen.

Hi, June.

Firstly, I'd like to thank Mr. Duncan and Principal Cheely for pulling me out

a rut and getting me back on my feet.

No, no, no.

Our pleasure. I'll be honest with you.

It's been a difficult time.

But I am back, and I'm stronger than ever, and I'm ready to work for you, the

real parent.

Unlike my opponent, I promise I won't steal any of your husband's children or

lives. Uh -oh.

Whoa, there it is.

Nailed it.

I'm with her.

I also promise not to drive you to the bottle or have it become the only

from the pain of your heartbreak.

Oh, snap.

In fact, if any of you do that to each other, I will hunt you down.

And kill you.

Metaphorically speaking.

I'm not saying I would actually kill the woman who ruined an 18 -year marriage.

Want to kill her, not gonna.

I wouldn't dare.

Enter the side doors of my former home in the middle of the night. Go up the

marble staircase, tiptoe into the master bedroom and cover your face with the

decorative pillows I made with my maternal bare hands until the life oozed

of you with every last little twitch of your long, long legs.

Christine, it's me I've been killing.

Passion and clear vision.

She makes pillows. Who doesn't love a mom that makes pillows? With her

hand.

Christine, Christine, Christine, Christine, Christine, Christine,

Christine.

If you paramours need anything, just let me know. Thanks, Frank. You're the only

one that understands our heat.

not bothering you?

I'm just happy to sit here and enjoy my lunch.

Usually I eat alone, so this is real nice.

I'm like my mom.

Yes, this is Malik.

Oh, hey, sport.

Yes? It's your old pal Robert.

Listen, Keith, quit.

Something about, I don't know, wages or workload.

Anyway, the job's yours again. Sound good?

Yes, sir.

Are you there? Do you understand my words?

Malik, we'll see you on Monday. Actually, you'd better come now. A

presidential nominee may or may not have spray -painted some pretty vicious

stuff all over the women's bathroom, so... Bless you.

Hi.

Trudy, could you please inform Mr. Duncan that I will be sitting in and

observing his class tomorrow, first thing? I'll get right on that. Great.

Mr. Cheely.

Who? I've been getting complaints that some of the teachers are veering off of

the curriculum, so I think it's time for a little sit -down, a little chat with

the PTA president.

Are you available?

Well, yes.

His schedule is clear.

You're welcome.

Wonderful. Shall we?

Ah,

look who's back.

Hello, Hirari. How are you, Mr. Malick? Honestly, it's been a bit of a

rollercoaster. Malik came super close to shaving beard and hair when, as

mentioned to Mr. Bill earlier, Malik promised never to shave until he died.

Yeah, I know, I know. I heard the story. You can't find your sister and your

parents sold her or something like that. Not something like that, but yes.

Did you check Facebook? What's her name?

Hanya. Hanya Malik with a H.

But she was sold onto a black market, and I am not sure you are grasping

significance of what has happened to my family law these many years.

Is that her?

Hanya.

Found her.

Yeah, like two seconds.

She lives in Des Moines.

Hire her.

Yeah. Works at the Habercrombie. Hand switch.

You gonna shave that?

I still prefer to keep the hair.

Can I have this?

No, it's my phone.

Get to work.