Original subtitles

I gotta say, when Lisa first introduced the buddy bench, I was skeptical.

Explain to me how it works again. Well, if a kid doesn't have anyone to play

with, he sits on the bench, and then hopefully someone will come along and be

his buddy.

He's pretty brave of Charlie sitting there by himself.

Yeah, and a little pathetic.

Hey, Amanda Susan, come here.

Why don't you go and play with Charlie? He's all by himself.

What's in it for me?

Ten bucks.

Poor kid.

I got this.

You're all hurt, you know that? No, no, no, hold on a second.

Mr. Duncan's got this. Well, this is a nice surprise. You guys are forgetting

something. He's an idiot.

Give him a shot. Give him a shot.

Wow.

See?

So naive.

Told ya.

That's cold.

Yeah. Right.

Is it possible that we've misjudged this moron?

Keep watching.

There we go. Nope.

Ouch.

See?

He's an idiot.

I'm awesome.

No, you're not, dude. Don't lie. I'm awesome. I'm driving around in my mom's

ride. I'm awesome. A quarter of my life gone by.

I'm awesome.

Morning, wifey.

Thought I'd drop some things off before school, do the moving stages.

You get it, right?

Yeah. What?

I guess we're doing this thing, huh?

We're married, Lisa.

Married people live together.

I thought about you moving in our place, but you had sex with Bill, so that's

weird. And Simon's there, so it's a bit crowded.

My place it has been.

Oh, Bill and I like to watch the games all the time, so I just brought that.

I almost forgot.

Oh!

Are these from the lobby?

It's that smell.

Cats. Good news.

You can get rid of your cats. I'm not getting rid of my cats, Jerry.

You're not sad and alone anymore.

Jerry's here, okay? Come here. Bring it in.

See, there is a small part of me that really appreciates that, Jerry. A big

of me is wondering, why would you have a couch in an angle away?

This is where the couch goes.

Let's move it. Let's move the couch. I'm not moving my couch.

No, Lisa, I can't watch the TV. This is marriage, I'm sorry.

Give and take.

I'm taking the couch in the position I need it. I watch a lot of sports.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, waste of space.

The cat's like it's straight.

There's pills to put them down.

What? Let's stop fighting. First of all, I don't want Bill to see this.

Okay? Let's move the couch. Give and take. I will take the couch this way.

Ready? And...

Oh, broke the couch, Jerry.

Oh, gosh, Lisa. That's coming out of your money, because I don't have money

that.

Oh, shut up!

What the hell are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing? Adding five, maybe ten years to my life? Seems

selfish. Excessive sitting is the new smoking, okay? And it's killing you all.

Yeah, something's definitely killing me, Robert, but it's not sitting. Why?

Because I'm being productive and getting healthy at the same time?

Also...

Acting unprofessionally while looking disgusting.

My office, my rules.

I don't come in your house. Robert. To Martin and tell you how to drive. It's a

good stress reliever. You should give it a whirl.

Over my dead body. See, that's what we're trying to prevent here.

Excuse me, I think this is a donor.

Hello.

You know what the best part of being married is, Lisa?

Not being alone at the end.

Being able to double park during my morning pit stop? Well, I don't

why you couldn't just pick everything up from one place. Where is my stupid cell

phone? Because it's a routine. I always get my muffin from the muffin shop. I

get my bagel from the bagel shop.

You don't even want to know where I get my smoothie.

You got it from the smoothie shop.

Busted! Your little pit stops, Jerry, are making us both late.

Don't worry about being late. I'm late all the time. No one even notices.

Your boss notices.

Robert? He doesn't notice, trust me. Walked by his office every day.

Hey, listen, don't tell him either, okay? That stays in the marriage vault.

There's your phone. Oh, my God.

I have a conference call with the board in three minutes.

Oh, my God.

My wife, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, that's fast.

Out of my way. Excuse me. I'm the principal.

I'm going to clean this up.

It'll take me half an hour.

And there's the bell.

Oh, hey, Bobby. How you doing? Oh, hey.

Inspirational.

What's that?

Oh, that's just the word that Eva used.

Oh, who's Eva? Oh, she's just an old student of mine that just wrote me this

beautiful letter.

Basically thanking me for giving her and some other students a moving...

speech about how important it is to focus on your dreams. Wow. Isn't that

You know what? It's actually more than nice, because now she's like this

accomplished singer and songwriter, and she's doing an album release concert

tonight, and that is because of moi.

Wow. Yeah, wow.

Because of you.

Like, I made that happen with my words.

That must have been some speech. I mean, we forget.

About the importance of our influence on these kids.

And then you get something.

Are you going to cry?

You get something like this.

And you think, this is why we do what we do.

Yes, sir. That's exactly right. And I'm going to think about that. Hi, Bobby.

I'm just wondering, have you guys ever got a letter like this? Like this

beautiful? No.

You know what? I haven't. Maybe one day.

Hopefully not.

Maybe one day.

Jerry, what do you want?

Need to speak to you about me teaching for Zen?

No.

As my boss, more importantly my wife, you need to look after your teachers and

your husband.

Because a happy husband is a happy life.

Ben.

Okay. Great. I'll tell Bobby. No.

I mean, okay.

This marriage is not working for me.

What? I mean, we've given it a whirl.

We've gone around that merry -go -round twice, and we are clearly horribly,

murderously incompatible. Okay, agree to disagree, but just don't let the moment

get y 'all upset.

I want an annulment.

Another one.

Well, I should have seen that coming.

Because you slept with all my friends before we got married. That wasn't a

of a problem. Really? Bill's your only friend?

You don't get to hurt me anymore. That's how that works, Missy.

Where do we finish on the phys ed? Get out, Jerry.

Later. Talk later.

Bye.

One minute I'm married, the next minute I'm not.

Jerry, sometimes marriages end, and we don't know why.

In this case, of course, it's obvious.

The odds of it working out were really low.

She was a very different girl the second time we got married.

Let me ask you this.

Anything. How are things in the boudoir?

To be honest, I don't really know.

We woke up a couple times in bed together.

We may or may not have had relations the first time. The second time we did not,

so things are definitely getting worse. Well, what else can you tell me?

Think, Jerry. Any little detail can help. No, I think I've told you

That's pretty much... No favorite position or a toy or like a sexy little

birthmark that I could think about?

Anything at all would help.

Triggers, safe word, come on, anything, anything.

Maybe this was a bad idea, Frank. I think... Whoa, whoa, whoa. I got a

greedy there. Mea culpa.

But you want some real toxies?

Yeah, that's why I'm here. Every little girl dreams about her wedding. And our

Lisa has had two of them. And the drunken lush can't remember either. You

say that. Technically, she's still my wife you're talking about.

And she's my boss.

She's also a lady who used to be a little dream -filled girl. And a person.

If you want to stay married, you've got to do this right.

Wow.

You're good. I never... I never looked at it that way.

I'm not just a guidance counselor. I'm also... My friend, and I appreciate it.

You don't have to remind me.

I was gonna say a licensed sexual surrogate, but thank you.

What? I've got, like, a special skill.

Yeah? I can satisfy women without them falling in love with me. Right.

So we can put a smile on her face and a ring on her finger as a team.

I'm gonna go, and I'm gonna erase that from my memory, okay?

If you're a bad boy again, I'm going to get off this treadmill to drag you to

detention myself.

Um, Robert.

What the hell is this business?

I kept sweating through my day wear, so I just thought I'd slip into something a

bit more appropriate.

There is nothing appropriate.

About this.

What? Did it ever occur to you that you might be sending the wrong message to

the students?

Ever occur to you that I might be leading by example, teaching them about

with an active lifestyle?

Next victim.

Go.

Hello?

Lisa, when I said that we were fated to be together, despite how gross it

seemed, thank you, Jerry.

I meant it. Okay, Jerry, I don't have the time.

Really? You wrote that on a card?

Seriously.

But I realize that we didn't do it right.

No, because we were drunk.

Where were your friends and family?

I do have friends, Jerry.

But you do have parents, and they should have been there. No.

No, they shouldn't have been there. My son, you might want to speak your true

feelings. Do not encourage him, please.

You did not invite my parents. Jerry.

Rise.

Let's do it right.

Those aren't my parents. Okay.

I'm going to leave, and in five minutes when I come back, I want this gong show

out of my office.

Okay, father.

I'm so excited.

Yeah, it's exciting.

Real nice energy in here.

I'm really proud, you know?

Yeah. Here we go.

Before I get started tonight, I just want to give a big shout -out to my

high school teacher. She's here tonight, and she's the reason I do what I do.

Ms. Galka, why don't you come up here?

What? Okay.

Thank you.

I can't take all the credit, but I can take, you know, a lot of it. I support

you 100 % in everything you do, Eva. Really? Okay, go for it.

White is the cloud, white is the snow.

White is the best part of an Oreo.

You're here.

White as flour in my white laundry.

Because white is the color.

One of the shortest songs I've ever heard.

One verse, one chorus, and you're out.

Our husband's the worst.

You know the trick to a strong marriage?

Ventilation.

Might invent with us gals.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

You're a member of the club now.

The club?

The married club.

I've never belonged to a club before.

Single people just don't understand. No, they don't. You know, sometimes we get

together on Saturday nights and have a couple of drinks. To get away from the

hubbies, you just join.

Oh, my God, yes. I would love to.

It's been so long since I've had friends.

Or been out with friends.

How fun is this?

Oh, the married club is the most fun.

Excuse me, ladies. Sorry to interrupt. I thought you should know that I am fine

and I am moving on from us, even though I thought we had something.

You're so hilarious.

He's always pulling silly pranks like this.

My husband, everyone.

You said you wanted another annulment. What's going on? What?

Why would I want an annulment when I'm married? That doesn't even make any

sense. Jerry.

You're such a joker.

Stop joking, you stupid moron.

The old ball and chain.

Oh. Okay.

Okay. I always wanted to be called a ball and chain. This is so cool.

Here we go.

Thanks for doing this.

Just a married couple about to jump into bed together. That's normal, right?

No biggie. We woke up in the same bed.

This is that, but in reverse.

Let's go.

Today.

Yeah, my first threesome.

Okay,

this isn't working for me. Yeah, that didn't work at all. No. I threw up a

little in my mouth there.

Oh, man, that was, oh, that was gross.

Wow, I was enjoying being married.

Not to you, but it crossed off my bucket list item. I was really liking having

human friends.

You know what? Why do we have to be married the conventional way? Why can't

be married our own way?

Keep the good stuff, lose the gross stuff, like having to lie in bed next to

you. I'm listening.

Well, there's no rule that you have to live in the same place and sleep in the

same bed with your wife.

Yeah, I mean, that's the fabricated societal construct is what that is. I

know what that means, but...

Why can't we just stay married for our own benefit?

No reason. You don't want to live with me. I don't want to live with you. No

argument here.

Oh, my God. Marriage without commitment.

That's the best.

Sounds amazing.

Perfect. We're a great team. We're such a good team. Aw.

People will be jealous of our marriage.

Get out, Jerry.

All right.

Gladly.

Get the hell out of here.

get it i mean how could i inspire that i really think you're reading too much

into these lyrics yeah yeah don't beat yourself up okay what's one bad white

supremacist apple in like an orchard of race loving open

-minded mixed fruit mixed fruit yes

I was thinking the exact same thing. So I tracked down a couple of people that

were there the day I made a speech to Eva. And I'm sure that they are

members of society.

One's a prostitute and the other one's a drug dealer.

What did you say to those kids?

I don't remember.

And remember, because I don't want to have to tell you girls this again. You

need to change your attitudes.

Focus on what matters. Focus on your future.

God, you have dreams, don't you? The way you guys are playing it right now, all

those dreams.

Just say goodbye. Goodbye to everything that's in your future, because you have

such a huge attitude problem. Hey, Mistaka. What?

I was reading this article.

Do you know that drug dealers, prostitutes, and white supremacist

-songwriters make more money than teachers do?

That's unbelievable.

Just thought I'd let you know. So, hey, girl.

Oh, yep.

Yep, there it is.

Now I remember.

Hi, this is Ms. Walsh from Xavier Academy.

I'm calling to remind you that... That's the stuff, buddy.

You're in the pocket now.

Sorry. Man, my quads are tight.

Feel that deep burn? I'm going to have to call you back.

Check me out, Trudy.

Getting lots of work done.

My stress levels are way down.

You should totally get one of these.

You know, you're right about the treadmill.

Big stress reliever.

Hey, Jerry.

So I'm collecting donations to end poverty, which is like really obviously

bad. And I was wondering if you would be willing to open your heart and your

wallet. I'll stop you right there. Yeah. If it was up to me, I'd give you every

cent I have.

But I'm married, so I got to check with Lisa because we do everything.

Together we discuss finances.

Yeah, that's cool.

So if you can get Lisa on board, I'm on board. Check with her, okay?

Okay, I get it. That's cool.

Yeah, I know about that.

Hey, Lisa.

Hey. So I am collecting donations to end all of poverty.

All of it? I was hoping that you would open your heart and your wallet.

Oh, you know, I would just love to, but I'm married now, so I can't dip into the

finances without checking with my hubby.

Okay, well, he just said the same thing about you, so. Because we're married.

It's a married thing, so she doesn't get it. I get it. But how could she?

figures since we didn't celebrate your marriage we put together a little

breakfast bachelor party boom wow that's awesome

who's sleeping on the couch bill got you a stripper

she's working a night shift though she's taking a quick power nap sleep it off i

can't have a stripper i'm married now i can't be you're married to someone you

don't live with so is that really a marriage is that a marriage yes it is

because 2016

That's a good point. Yeah, that's a fair point. It's good enough for the

country. It's good enough for me.

No.

What do you want me to do? You want me to get rid of her?

No, let her sleep.

Let her sleep.

That's good.

Yeah. It's nice, man. Just keep it down. We'll have the bachelor party.