Original subtitles

What's going on?

Oh, my head.

No. Oh, God.

No.

We got married.

What?

What the?

My pride's made. No. It's not good.

I'm there.

My God, are you kidding me?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

No.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You don't think that we... What?

You know... What? No, what? What are you talking about? What if we had sex,

Jerry? I'm supposed to get that from half a sentence? Can you finish your

sentence? It's okay. It's totally fine.

Because you know why? Because we're both fully clothed, so clearly nothing

happened. Yay!

No, no, I wouldn't be so sure of that.

But your shirt's still tucked in, Jerry.

It doesn't mean anything. That's my thing.

What? After I do it, I get fully dressed. It's just something I've always

That? It's super weird, but I'm still dressed, and that's certainly not my

thing, so... Doesn't mean anything either, because I dressed the other

too. That is so creepy, Jerry.

Creepy would be leaving you there naked while I'm fully dressed to the nines.

That would be creepy. But because I'm a gentleman and I have class, I find your

clothes and I put them on you perfectly, as I have possibly done in this case.

I'm going to go to the shower and scrub everything.

I'm going back to bed. Who goes to school this early? Like, what are you

to do, mark?

I'm awesome.

No, you're not, dude. Don't lie. I'm awesome. I'm driving around in my mom's

ride. I'm awesome. A quarter of my life gone by.

I'm awesome.

Bell's going to ring. Let's get to class.

Jerry, we need to talk.

Yeah, what about how you used me for my body last night and wouldn't drive me to

work? No one can know about this.

Obviously.

You think I'm proud of this?

That's probably the best night you've ever had. For me, that's the lowest I've

ever stooped, Lisa.

Oh, Jerry, come on.

Rock bottom for Jerry Duncan last night. That's great. I get it. Okay.

Mom's the word. All right?

Not telling a soul is embarrassing even walking in with you.

No, no, no, no, no. In my country, when two people get married, we say...

Congratulations.

What? It means hold the best. Now, how do you know we got married?

You've been bragging all over town, haven't you? What? Are you crazy, Jerry?

I receive all stuff.

E -blast.

E -blast. Congrats, sir. You too, Miss Mason.

No. The children.

The children don't. You secede all students.

A tad unprofessional that you have, Mellie.

Over the top.

My life is ruined.

My life is over. Your life.

Your life. This is creds for you.

Oh, come on.

Guess what?

Oh, uh, you found Uncle Tommy and the nightmare is over?

No, I convinced Mother to invite you over for dinner again.

I thought she hated me.

She did, but there's nothing a little sweet Simon pillow talk couldn't fix.

I knew she wasn't a monster.

Be careful.

So what can I bring to dinner?

Anything. Except pie.

Don't.

Don't bring pie. Yeah, I feel like pie was a real trigger last time. Sort of

working through that.

Maybe a part?

I would say let's avoid the whole pie cake family. Right. You know what?

Don't bring anything.

Nothing? This is going to be so fun.

Let's open up our congratulations.

Very funny.

Maybe you're not aware of how marriage works. For your information, when a

marries a man, she actually takes his last name because we are still the king

the castle. So that is a very ignorant comment.

Either way, good job marrying up, Mr. Mason.

Oh, yeah, right.

Pretty sure Miss Mason is the one that married up.

Obviously, girls, right?

This is such a surprise, Mr. Mason. I thought you were gay.

Because I'm pretty, pretty, because I'm handsome, pretty handsome? Is that why?

Does that make sense?

Mr. Mason, if you're such a good catch, are you saying you've settled for Miss

Mason? I don't settle.

Okay? Mr. Mason doesn't settle. Because Mr. Mason can get... Mr. Duncan, Mr.

D, can get who he wants to get. So I don't settle.

Open your books. Let's go.

Ladies. Oh, hey, Lisa. What's new?

Nothing. What's new with you?

Well, Bobby was just telling me about the time she made the worst mistake of

life and how disgusted and ashamed she felt. And then Trudy was talking about

how she got super loaded one night and then married this huge loser.

And then, of course, we realized that we were both talking about you. Yes.

Awkward. Okay.

Yes, I married Jerry.

That was after he...

publicly proposed to another woman, which makes you, Jerry... Let's wait for

this part.

Second choice for a wife. Ah, wow.

Let that wash over you.

That day. All right. I did a terrible thing.

Okay? Guilty. But we've all done stupid stuff.

I don't think like that. You and Robert in the car?

What? How about the cold cut buffet with Dwyer? Just bon appetit. I don't know

how you know that.

Oh. I must have told her. Thank you. Trudy, you and your brother? Your

Ew. Well, it's complicated.

Yeah, I should hope so. It's disgusting.

So let's cut Lisa a little slack.

Okay?

It's kind of right. Yeah.

You know, sometimes the heart wants what the stomach can't keep down.

I have the image of your brother in my mind.

Yeah, me too.

Goodbye.

This book is overdue.

Hey, don't you dare resell that.

Hello, Spencer.

I wanted to offer my condolences.

Oh, nobody died?

Well, that's surprising because your book's a week late.

Please tell me you didn't dog hear that copy of Great Expectations.

Mr. D? Did you see what's going on here?

Uh, yes. You seem swamped.

I'll say it again. This library is the only thing standing between these kids

and full -blown, hardcore illiteracy, and it is seriously understaffed. I need

an assistant.

Well, what would you say to 30 assistants?

If you're not going to take me seriously. I am, though. Behold, the

shipment of e -readers. How's that supposed to help me? The entire library

the push of a button.

That technology is light years away.

Really? Can you help me find Animal Farm? Sure, I'll... Look it up here. Ah,

need. Locked and loaded, Connie.

But you need to check that out. She doesn't. See, she's already checked in.

the future!

All you have to do is enter your student ID and Robert's your uncle.

It's usually Bob. My name's Robert.

I'll be damned.

Miss Mason, I need to speak to you for a second.

No, we hardly like each other. Go to class.

Oh, listen, babe. Did you just call me babe?

Yes, because we're married. That's what you're supposed to do. I don't like it

either. Speaking of which, we've got to go get this annulled right now. Okay.

Don't you have class?

Who's asking me? Principal or wife?

Your principal.

No class.

Your wife?

I do. I have the grade 12s.

Don't tell anyone. Jerry, you can't just... You know, this is way more

important. That's what I love about you.

What are you doing?

I was going to kiss you.

I'm your husband. No.

But not in front of the kids. I get it. Or anywhere else in front of anyone

else. I don't know what I was thinking. Bad. Bad, Jenny.

Dumb idea.

What can I help you with? Well, you know how we have health class scheduled

later on. Sure do. I've been preparing for it all morning. Okay, well, we're

going to go ahead and cancel that and just stay in the classroom and work off

these e -readers instead.

Wait, you might want to reconsider because I've put aside some nifty

about the digestive system and I think your class would really enjoy some of

pop -up illustrations.

Never liked that bitch anyway.

So tie my shoelace.

What? Yeah.

Before finalizing the annulment, I need to ask a few questions.

Sure.

I've been answering questions all day about that.

Sorry? Well, people are surprised that I would. So I've been getting that all

day. Oh, right. So...

Was either party already married prior to the nuptials? No, no one's ever

married me. She did sleep with my roommate.

Add that to your notes.

Does either party lack the mental capacity to understand what marriage

We do not understand that question.

Was the marriage consummated? Absolutely not. We're still trying to determine

that. Your Honor?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you two were...

intoxicated at the time of marriage.

Annihilated. Yeah, very.

Blind drug. Couldn't see a thing. Had I seen a thing, uh -uh.

Absolutely wasted.

You know, I think we're there. I think we're done.

There you go. You hold on to that.

Oh, thank God.

We got off that.

Hey, you know the rule about bringing those into school?

Spit the nuts out of your mouth or I'll give you something to really choke on.

Mr. Cheely, about the e -readers. Uh -huh. New shipment just arrived.

Just put a rush order in for more.

Thing is, I don't need any help. I mean, what's a few extra hours of unpaid

overtime? No biggie. I hope he kept the receipt for all of those silly, stupid e

-readers. You're kidding, right?

I mean, look around.

I mean... Oh, my God.

We might not even need a library anymore.

You can't make me play.

Loving the new e -readers, Miss Turdy.

A2, bitch.

These mashed potatoes are so buttery. Oh, thank you, Misha.

Of course, it's margarine, but how could you know?

That's so nice.

My favorite lady sitting across from my other favorite lady and me in between. I

don't know.

I'm so glad that we did this, Mrs. Hunt. I really want us to get along.

My Simon is happy, then I'm happy.

What a nice thing to say.

Yeah.

I wonder who that is. Simon, do you mind?

Of course.

This is going really well.

Right?

Mother? Soul Patch is here.

It's Stephen.

Oh.

It's Stephen.

Mother? A word?

Excuse us. Yes.

Yes, honey?

This was supposed to be an intimate threesome. What the heck is Soul Patch

here? You know how I feel about your pie -peddling prostitute. If you want me to

give Misha a chance, then you give Stephen a chance.

You want to dance?

Let's dance.

To the desolation of our marriage.

You guys have had quite the 48 hours.

Yeah, we certainly have.

Could you imagine us married? You're nagging?

Your voice, your laugh, your nitpicking. No, I could not. Okay, pump the brakes

there. All right, you're no picnic yourself. I mean, you're offensive.

You're lazy.

Stupid. Yeah, you're a little stupid.

Stupid. Well, you thought we owned the house we rent. Oh, sorry, I'm not a bank

manager who does mortgages. Or a real estate agent.

Well, potato, potato.

To the end of us. End of us. That's what I meant to say.

Tequila. Oh, boy,

that's the one.

What flavor is it?

Tequila, buddy.

All right. Special occasion.

I believe in you.

Nope. Oh. Nope.

Nope. Nope. I'll do my own shot.

Another one of those.

I don't drink things that taste like fruit. Can I have another tequila?

Yeah.

These mashed potatoes are to die for. What is this, margarine?

Seriously? It ain't butter, I know that much. It ain't butter.

It ain't butter.

So, Stephen, what made you choose motivational speaking?

Oh, Nisha, I'm so glad you asked me that question.

Motivational speaking is a calling, so I didn't choose it so much as it chose

me. Okay.

And, um... Did you have to study for it, or...? No, I don't believe it.

Nisha, Stephen is... Gifted with inspiration.

Something that I find pretty darn sexy.

Oh, you are bad.

Hey.

You're so bad.

You're always putting things in my mouth.

That is... Diamond.

I have had it up to here with this tomfoolery. You can do so much better

this. Nob. Well, I could say the very same thing about you and your floozy.

Floozy? Well, at least my floozy isn't a pile of human garbage with a weasel

face I can't even look at without wanting to rouse! Hey!

What the? I happen to love this face. Well, big surprise there.

You love that face?

You love that face?

Okay.

Time to choose, Mother.

Because it's him or me.

What?

Simon. It's him or it's me. Honey.

Steven and I, we have something special.

You know how hard it is for me to get naturally lubricated with a man.

I know.

Why does he know that? With Steven, well, it's just different.

It's way easier.

Him?

Or me.

Oh, don't make me choose.

You just yet.

Simon!

Please be anyone but Lisa.

Not gonna believe what I did

last night.

You married Lisa?

How the hell do you know that? You told me before you left the bar. So you let

friends drink and marry?

Who am I to stand in the way of love?

Love? Lisa!

And you can do a lot worse, Jerry.

Lisa, Bill.

You keep saying that, but if you take away her voice and her laugh and her

personality and the cat thing, what you have left is not half bad.

Still Lisa.

Plus, you're 40, and 40 and unmarried is getting pretty close to weird uncle

territory. True.

You ticked off that marriage box, buddy. Right, buddy? That was big for you, and

you did it. I did check that box off, didn't I?

I'm married now.

You just got a nice place.

The hell's that?

Checked off a pretty weird box myself last night.

Weirdo. Her, not you.

So this is how it ends.

In with the new, out with the old.

No use for us anymore.

The world is mo -

Mr. D?

Oh, hello, Lucy.

I'm looking for mice and men.

Fire up your tablet. I mean the book. I don't like the tablets. The screen hurts

my eyes.

Oh.

Oh, what a terrible shame.

That sounds just awful. Well, let me see what I can do for you.

I know I saw it in here somewhere.

Probably on the north side of the mountain, I'm sure.

You're not a smoker, are you?

Oh, good.

That's due back Friday.

Never a dull moment, right?

I'll tell you one thing. I will never drink with this guy again. I swear to

I mean, who gets married by accident twice in two days?

Crazy.

We did.

What?

We got married twice.

But what does it mean?

You're slow learners who can't hold your liquor.

Exactly. Just sign on the line there, Jerry.

What I'm saying is maybe we are rushing this second annulment.

Okay, what are you trying to say?

I'm single, and you're single and lonely, always alone.

And we're not getting any younger.

Aren't you tired of your whole life being work, cats, work, cats, work,

Don't you want something... Jerry, there's more to me than just... Work and

cats.

You know what they say. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and that's

fate.

I'm paraphrasing.

Come on in.

I didn't know where else to go.

You go now, buddy.

See you down here.

Oh.

He's hiding in trees.

That's for hiding in plaid.