All language subtitles for mr._d_s05e12_out_cold

I'm a teacher at Xavier Academy.

If you find this video, please get it to
the camp director.

Please, someone find this.

Oh, what's the name of this camp?

But her name's Jasmine.

Jasmine something. I don't know her last
name, but she's hot. Oh, God, I'm

scared. To my future kids that we
probably would have had, I'm sorry I

know you that well or at all, really,
because we never had you yet.

That's all for now.

I hope I see you again.

I'm awesome. No, you're not, dude. Don't
lie. I'm awesome. I'm driving around in

my mom's ride. I'm awesome. A quarter of
my life gone by.

I'm awesome.

Backroom.

Somebody point me to the bathroom.

It's the great outdoors.

It's all a bathroom.

Oh, I actually forgot you were here.

We fought together on the bus.

Did we? Yeah. Remember I was telling
you... Anyway.

Welcome to your leadership camp. And by
the end of the day, we hope you will

become better leaders.

That's why I'm here.

Do's and don'ts.

Allergies, make sure you have your
EpiPens out of your bags before we start

on the day. Thomas, you should bring
your asthma inhaler, it says here.

Shelby, where's Shelby?

Heat, moth, bees, perfume, nuts, sun,
mold, dust, dairy products.

I think we should just all get away from
Shelby. Think again about picking

Shelby for your group. I'm just saying.
You know what? Actually, Shelby, you're

in the sun right now. You should go on
the bus. Seriously. We'll bring you back

out later when the games and activities
start.

Watch you don't touch him, please.

Thank you, Shelby.

The sun doesn't go away, Shelby. You
better hope for rain. You're on there

whole day. I'm sorry.

Hi, everyone.

Ted?

Hey, Lisa.

Hanging out? Yeah, well, I gotta pick up
Emma later, so... Oh, yeah? Seven hours

from now?

Everyone, I hate to be the bearer of bad
news, but Arthur Jenkins passed away.

What? That's horrible.

Good guy. Gone way too soon.

First Edna's freak heart attack, and now
poor Artie? This is awful.

I gotta take this call.

Pardon me.

Hey. You know, maybe we should just take
a moment of silence.

So who do you think is going to be the
next one to kick the bucket? That's what

I was thinking. Judy, I'm going to go
ahead and assume that that's just the

grief talking.

Bad things always happen in threes. So
that means that one of us is going to be

the next to go.

That's waiter cred.

I think I want in on this bet. How much
are we talking here? No, we are not

betting on who's going to die next.
These are people's lives, not a game.

Okay, but my money's on William's biting
at first. I got 20 on Gillis.

I'll just put that in the safe deposit
box.

I don't know what you guys are betting
on, but I want in. We really need to

XY's really bleeding me dry.

I know, Paul. And as much as I would
never want to hear the end of that,

doing this now. Are you going to IOU?

IOU?

Absolutely not.

Okay, everyone, if I could have your
attention, I just need you to stay

Stand here for a few minutes till I
figure out where we're going first,

don't get too far away.

Just stay close to base here, all right?

Thank you.

Hi, Mr. Duncan?

Yeah. Hi, I'm Jasmine, the camp
director.

Wow, well, I'm Mr. Duncan, Jerry, the
teacher.

Okay, nice to meet you, Jerry. Nice to
meet you. I guess you and I are spending

a lot of time together today.

Well, that's great news, isn't it? Camp
hotta wowie.

Hi, I'm Robert, vice principal. Kind of
in charge here. Call me Bob, if you

like. My students that I brought, my
trip, I planned it. And I'm the one they

look at as a role model. Their words,
not mine. Well, it's great to meet you

both. Two things I know about Jasmine.
One, it's a genus of shrub in the olive

family. Distant cousin, I think. And
two, delightful Disney princess.

Wow.

You know your plants.

How do we get started? What do we do?
Anything.

I would actually love some help if one
of you wants to help me set up the

orienteering game.

Hello. That would be perfect.

I'm the one. I'm the guy. I'll do it.
Perfect. I'll set up. What is it again?

What is orienteering?

It's when you take these cards and you
put them around in the woods. Yes. And

then the kids use that compass to track
coordinates.

Good. All right. So why don't you give
her the cards? You know what? Actually,

this is perfect.

You know all about orienteering.

You can help Jerry set the game up. I'm
short staff today. I can stay here with

everybody else. Just hearing it out
loud, I think it makes the most sense

we both know what orienteering is. Why
don't you and I go and put these in the

woods together, and he can stay here
with the kids. Can we just go back to

original plan, Jasmine, that you and I
were going, and you look after the kids

because you're the VP? Can we do that?
That's the plan. That's what we said.

Actually, you know what? It would just
be so much better. faster if you guys

could do this together would you mind
it'd be really helpful mommy can i go

them please please mommy mommy yeah you
could have told us you had a son under

the gate he has a good point well he has
a day off of school today i kind of

promised him he could help me set up the
game so i know it's asking a lot but

would you mind if he tagged along with
you mind no that's okay

Thank you so much. I will see you guys
later.

Thank you so much. It's you.

I was supposed to go in there until you
came in. Now it's you, me, and Opie?

Seriously?

You couldn't just mind your own
business.

You had to come over.

Sorry, are you speaking to yourself and
I'm eavesdropping?

I'm bored. Aren't we supposed to be
doing something?

We have to wait for Mr. Duncan to get
back, but we could play a game.

Oh, Red Rover, Red Rover, I call fun
over.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Seriously? A death pool?

This is incredibly insensitive.

Why is my name on the list right behind
old man withers? Come on.

Yeah, you can't argue with the oddly.
Oh, let's face it, Lisa. Between the

stress of your new job and lack of time
to exercise, what's obviously crushing

loneliness, we figure you're already on
borrowed time.

And I'm taking this online Reiki course,
and I'm sensing a lot of negative

energy right here.

Really?

Yeah.

All right, everyone, I've got a game.

Rugby spin.

So you're going to go first, and I'm
going to give you a spin.

She's going to hit you as hard as she
can, and then you're going to do the

thing, and whoever did it harder gets a
point.

Don't go easy.

Okay, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. Okay, okay.

Out of there, Lizzie. Out of there.
Yeah.

Which is way too small. Now, this is the
match -up. This is the match -up we've

all been waiting to see.

All right, Mr. Hunt, let's do it. Just
going to get this cleaned off before I

put it in my mouth. No offense, Lucy,
but I want no part of the grade 9 boys

you've been sucking face with.

It's not the world I'm trying to live
in. I need mono like I need a hole in

head. All right, Hunt, let's do this.

I'm going to spoon you, Frank.

And into the mouth.

This was supposed to be a romantic walk
with Jasmine and I. Why'd you have to

ruin this? What are you talking about?
You ruined it. She and I were the ones

that had a connection.

Connection? She had no connection or
interest in you. She was too busy

on me. I'm the one who's unforgettable.
Just like I told my first girlfriend,

you can drink all you want, but you'll
never be able to scrape me from your

memory. Bet you drank a lot. Anyway,
what's the point of arguing about it?

It doesn't matter. She's married. But if
she wasn't married, I promise you she'd

pick me over you. Do you? Yes.

What are you guys fighting about?

No, no. We're not fighting. We're just
talking loudly. That's what adults do

sometimes. That's what Mom and Dad used
to say before they got divorced.

What? Hello.

Your mom's divorced? That's awesome.

Hey, what's your name again?

BJ. Okay.

B.

BJ, let me ask you a question. Does your
mom prefer funny, smart, athletic guys?

Or maybe she prefers a renaissance man,
right? Who likes books and lively

conversation and coupons. I don't know.

You know what? I'm going to go ask her.
I'll head back to base camp and I'll

talk to her myself. You two set up the
game. Why don't you do that and I'll

here and bond with BJ.

Now, which way, BJ, which way did you
bring us in here?

I don't know. We followed you, BJ. We
thought you knew because you always...

Where's base camp, Smokey the Bear?

What's your little compass say? I don't
know. Do you see what it's pointing at

right now?

South. An idiot.

Who's not going to get the girl? Wait,
BJ.

Wait up. What's the hurry?

Ground.

Ooh.

Ooh. Felt like butterfly kisses from a
tiny mosquito.

Okay.

Let's see what you got.

Ready, Mr. Hunt?

I was born ready. Actually, I was born
breech, but once they turned my butt

around, I was raring to go.

Okay, let's do this.

Ah!

Ah! How did you do that?

Guess I'm a natural. That was a good
round, but I'm going to have to give it

Frank. It was really close, though.

Okay. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Where were
that head?

Round two.

Let's do this.

And I thought I had atrophied muscles.

Funny!

No more laughing. New rule.

Down.

No.

No, not enough bars.

I thought that would work. Really? The
old stumping stand didn't work?

Here's what we're going to do. We're
going to wait until dark, and then we'll

follow the North Star out to the parking
lot. Yeah, let's just hang out here so

his mom worries her.

Oh, my gosh.

What? That's a bear.

Oh, no. I'm pretty sure that was a bear.
How do you know? There it is again.

It's getting closer. What do they say if
it's black? Never go back. That's

different. You fight back. But if it's
brown, you lay down.

Flush it down. All I know is that I
better run faster than you.

PJ! No! Go see the bear.

Bear! Bear!

I'm out of here!

Sleep deprivation. Decreases life
expectancy by 12%. Depression.

Second leading cause of disease and
early death. Score.

I am so attracted to you right now.

I can't believe I put all my eggs in the
Williams basket when you've clearly

given up on life. That's not true. I'll
have you know that I live a meaningful

and fulfilling life.

Are your gums bleeding?

Come here, Lisa.

I am so sorry. We had no idea. What are
we doing this for?

Yeah, got it.

Oh, my.

Listen, is there someone I can call? An
exorcist, maybe?

Okay.

Oh, fun!

Okay,

we're done with rugby spoons. Everyone
head back to your groups. No, no, no,

I don't know how you're doing this with
your tiny body, your less developed

brain than mine. I don't know if there's
some sort of superpower happening, but

I don't believe it. Lower that head.

That's a pain, Frank.

Ow!

I felt that one.

Nice right hook, sir.

Oh, okay.

Okay. Okay.

Here's a fun game.

I like to call it Shared Alibi.

Hmm? Who here saw Frank trip? Who saw
him trip? There it is. There's one hand,

couple hands, hands. New game.

It's called Carry the Body.

So I'm going to enlist a couple of the
bigger boys. Yep. Strong girls.

Oh, God.

I gotta stop. I think it's broken.

Thank you. Sorry for doing every single
thing I could to save us from the bear.

There was no bear.

And even if there was, you left BJ and I
there to die. Tell your mom that, BJ.

You left us to die, and I saved you. BJ,
look.

It's hot.

No water. It's hot.

I forgot!

You have water.

Can I...

I'm too weak to go anywhere.

BJ's got to go. BJ, you got to go get
help, buddy. Okay?

It's a good BJ.

You know, when I say it out loud, it's a
terrible name for a child.

Hello, everyone.

Don't tell me. Let me guess. You're here
to shut down the death pool. No.

I'm here to thank all of you for betting
on me to die.

Oh, acceptance.

The last step.

I'm serious.

You guys made me take a long, hard look
at myself, and I didn't like what I saw.

So I made some changes. I'm drinking
green energy.

I signed up for a Tai Chi class.

And I even gave my phone number to a
real live man.

Yeah, you did.

So, it looks like I am going to live a
long, healthy life. And you're all going

to lose the death pool.

Like everything's turning up Lisa.

I believe it.

My wife is dead.

Well, there goes the pool. Thanks,
everybody.

Hooray. Look, I don't know how to feel
about it. I'm glad for you, sad for her.

Woo! How are you, Lisa?

Oh, her foot's twitching. She's fine.

That's all for now.

I hope I see you again.

Would you shut up? I'm trying to do a
video here.

There you go. Yes.

What's the video for? A video in which
we don't get out of here and it's my

words. Is that okay?

To who?

My loved ones.

I want to make a video for my loved
ones.

My phone's only 8 gig. Can I use yours,
please?

Hi, Nanny. Love you.

If you're seeing this, it's because
something terrible happened to me.

Just do me a favor, okay?

Promise you'll delete my browser
history.

My password is... Look away.

My password's pterodactyl, but the P is
silent.

I'll take it. Okay, all right. That's
good. I hope we do get out of here

because I want to show that to everybody
at the school.

Show what to people?

Nothing.

BJ!

BJ!

Jasmine! Bryce!

What?

Are you still here?

BJ! No, thanks.

Good.

Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to
this, but we're going to have to resort

to the secret of the forest.

What secret?

We're going to have to drink our own
urine to survive.

No, I'm not doing that.

I really think you're underestimating
the severity of our situation.

I'm not drinking my own urine, weirdo.
Well, you can stay here and rot, but I'm

going to save myself the only way I know
how. Go for it.

Disgusting.

Can you just look at me real quick?

Not looking at you.

Oh, put that away.

Have you ever heard of SPS?

What the hell is SPS?

Showy Bladder Syndrome.

And I'm a sufferer. I need someone to
stare at me.

in order for me to pee. No, I'm not the
guy for that. Who else do you see around

here? Well, that's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard. Try living with it. You

live at home alone. How do you do this?
I have mirrors over my toilets, Jerry.

Okay, well. I can solve my own problems
at home. Please stare at yourself. Look.

I'm not looking at you. There are so
many things I'd rather be doing than

this conversation with you in the woods.
So please, just look at me while I pee

so I can drink my own urine so I can
live. Are you serious?

That's good.

Just like that.

You're inside your own head about it.
Just look at me.

All right, fine. No, up here. My eyes
are up here. Where am I looking? Into my

eyes. Once you look at me, don't look
away, because then it really hurts my

stomach. One, two, three.

That's all you get. Don't look away,
because it hurts.

Hurry up.

That's hurry up. Okay, that's all. I
can't do this. Don't look away, because

hurts when you look. I feel like an
idiot. Ow!

Hurry up! Ow! Ow!

What the heck?

EJ came!

With Jasmine!

Oh, God, thank God.

What happened to your foot? I think I
broke it.

He's a weirdo.

Okay, run back to base. BJ, here.

Lean on me. Let's go back.

Jasmine, do I have something on my
retina? Stop it. Look.

Don't look at him.

She chose me.

A squirrel.

Hi, buddy.

Hi.

You're on my lap.

Welcome back.

sleepyhead? It has to be a
misunderstanding.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure Paul would never
hurt anyone.

What is going on here?

We're taking this man in for questioning
about the death of his ex -wife.

Look, I get it, I get it. Broke ex
-husband, lost everything, lives in the

school basement.

I suspect me too. I'll wait for you,
Paul.

It's all good.

God, I love bad boys.

Preaching to the choir.

Didn't he just say he lives in the
school basement?

Yeah, like Freddy Krueger.

You okay, Jerry? Yeah, thanks for giving
me these, Frank. You didn't have to do

that. Oh, anytime, bud. I appreciate it.
That was very kind of you.

And I'm sorry we're leaving a bit early.

Oh, I've never had a field trip take
down so many teachers before.

I don't know. Maybe we go out sometime.

That was fun to get to know you. Yeah.
What's your email address? I'll email

you. It's Jerry underscore Duncan
underscore a .k .a. Mr. D at Yahoo .com.

One more time.

Jerry underscore Duncan. That's me. And
then underscore a .k .a. Mr. D because

that's what the kids call me. me at
yahoo .com it's okay try jerry

yeah duncan yeah underscore aka what the
kids call me at

yahoo no no that's not an email what the
kids call me no just that time just so

you remember aka mr d underscore aka mr
d all right i'll look for that email

okay okay see you jasmine thanks

Run us over again.

Simon, will you come into the woods with
me real quick and just stare into my

eyes? Oh, you need to go pee? Yes.

Yeah, let's go. Frank, I admire you,
buddy. Just believe you can do it, Jer.

Okay, thanks, buddy.

This really is the icing on one crap
storm of a day. Sort of a metaphor.

Shut up. You don't put icing on a storm.
Shut up. What have I said about

fighting at Xavier?

I wasn't listening. I don't think you
ever said anything, to be honest. That's

because I've never had to reprimand any
of my staff for fighting at Xavier over

a game.

Rugby spoons? I don't even know what
that is.

Oh, you don't?

It's just a really fun game once you get
to know all the rules.

We could show you how to play if you
want.

Sure. Why not?

Okay, come sit in my chair.

Oh, you're going to love this.

So much fun.

Okay.

Well, here we go. Use your fruit spoon.
Just put the handle in your mouth.

And I'll bend down, and you hit me on
the top of the head as hard as you can.

Brace yourself.

That's it?

This is a stupid game.

You've kind of got to get the hang of
it. Here, I'll show you.

Ow! What the hell was that?

It was a prank.

You got to hide the spoon, Simon. Oh,
God.

Shit. Ow, ow, ow, ow. Is that fun?

Ow, ow, ow, ow. Sorry. Oh, sorry. Ow,
sorry. Is that fun?

Go, go, go, go.

Clean your own litter box.

I'm really sorry about the
misunderstanding.

You're free to go.

Oh, good, man. What I'm tasting?

What is this?

Cilantro? Mr.

Dwyer, the fact of the matter is we need
the room here.

Can you wrap this up for me? Yeah, I
guess so.

And sorry about the phone book. The heat
of the moment, yeah?

I was mumbling. For all you know, I
could have been making a threat or

something.

It's been a tough day for all of us,
right?

Come here.

Tomorrow's going to be a better day, all
right?