Original subtitles

I'm a teacher at Xavier Academy.

If you find this video, please get it to the camp director.

Please, someone find this.

Oh, what's the name of this camp?

But her name's Jasmine.

Jasmine something. I don't know her last name, but she's hot. Oh, God, I'm

scared. To my future kids that we probably would have had, I'm sorry I

know you that well or at all, really, because we never had you yet.

That's all for now.

I hope I see you again.

I'm awesome. No, you're not, dude. Don't lie. I'm awesome. I'm driving around in

my mom's ride. I'm awesome. A quarter of my life gone by.

I'm awesome.

Backroom.

Somebody point me to the bathroom.

It's the great outdoors.

It's all a bathroom.

Oh, I actually forgot you were here.

We fought together on the bus.

Did we? Yeah. Remember I was telling you... Anyway.

Welcome to your leadership camp. And by the end of the day, we hope you will

become better leaders.

That's why I'm here.

Do's and don'ts.

Allergies, make sure you have your EpiPens out of your bags before we start

on the day. Thomas, you should bring your asthma inhaler, it says here.

Shelby, where's Shelby?

Heat, moth, bees, perfume, nuts, sun, mold, dust, dairy products.

I think we should just all get away from Shelby. Think again about picking

Shelby for your group. I'm just saying. You know what? Actually, Shelby, you're

in the sun right now. You should go on the bus. Seriously. We'll bring you back

out later when the games and activities start.

Watch you don't touch him, please.

Thank you, Shelby.

The sun doesn't go away, Shelby. You better hope for rain. You're on there

whole day. I'm sorry.

Hi, everyone.

Ted?

Hey, Lisa.

Hanging out? Yeah, well, I gotta pick up Emma later, so... Oh, yeah? Seven hours

from now?

Everyone, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Arthur Jenkins passed away.

What? That's horrible.

Good guy. Gone way too soon.

First Edna's freak heart attack, and now poor Artie? This is awful.

I gotta take this call.

Pardon me.

Hey. You know, maybe we should just take a moment of silence.

So who do you think is going to be the next one to kick the bucket? That's what

I was thinking. Judy, I'm going to go ahead and assume that that's just the

grief talking.

Bad things always happen in threes. So that means that one of us is going to be

the next to go.

That's waiter cred.

I think I want in on this bet. How much are we talking here? No, we are not

betting on who's going to die next. These are people's lives, not a game.

Okay, but my money's on William's biting at first. I got 20 on Gillis.

I'll just put that in the safe deposit box.

I don't know what you guys are betting on, but I want in. We really need to

XY's really bleeding me dry.

I know, Paul. And as much as I would never want to hear the end of that,

doing this now. Are you going to IOU?

IOU?

Absolutely not.

Okay, everyone, if I could have your attention, I just need you to stay

Stand here for a few minutes till I figure out where we're going first,

don't get too far away.

Just stay close to base here, all right?

Thank you.

Hi, Mr. Duncan?

Yeah. Hi, I'm Jasmine, the camp director.

Wow, well, I'm Mr. Duncan, Jerry, the teacher.

Okay, nice to meet you, Jerry. Nice to meet you. I guess you and I are spending

a lot of time together today.

Well, that's great news, isn't it? Camp hotta wowie.

Hi, I'm Robert, vice principal. Kind of in charge here. Call me Bob, if you

like. My students that I brought, my trip, I planned it. And I'm the one they

look at as a role model. Their words, not mine. Well, it's great to meet you

both. Two things I know about Jasmine. One, it's a genus of shrub in the olive

family. Distant cousin, I think. And two, delightful Disney princess.

Wow.

You know your plants.

How do we get started? What do we do? Anything.

I would actually love some help if one of you wants to help me set up the

orienteering game.

Hello. That would be perfect.

I'm the one. I'm the guy. I'll do it. Perfect. I'll set up. What is it again?

What is orienteering?

It's when you take these cards and you put them around in the woods. Yes. And

then the kids use that compass to track coordinates.

Good. All right. So why don't you give her the cards? You know what? Actually,

this is perfect.

You know all about orienteering.

You can help Jerry set the game up. I'm short staff today. I can stay here with

everybody else. Just hearing it out loud, I think it makes the most sense

we both know what orienteering is. Why don't you and I go and put these in the

woods together, and he can stay here with the kids. Can we just go back to

original plan, Jasmine, that you and I were going, and you look after the kids

because you're the VP? Can we do that? That's the plan. That's what we said.

Actually, you know what? It would just be so much better. faster if you guys

could do this together would you mind it'd be really helpful mommy can i go

them please please mommy mommy yeah you could have told us you had a son under

the gate he has a good point well he has a day off of school today i kind of

promised him he could help me set up the game so i know it's asking a lot but

would you mind if he tagged along with you mind no that's okay

Thank you so much. I will see you guys later.

Thank you so much. It's you.

I was supposed to go in there until you came in. Now it's you, me, and Opie?

Seriously?

You couldn't just mind your own business.

You had to come over.

Sorry, are you speaking to yourself and I'm eavesdropping?

I'm bored. Aren't we supposed to be doing something?

We have to wait for Mr. Duncan to get back, but we could play a game.

Oh, Red Rover, Red Rover, I call fun over.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Seriously? A death pool?

This is incredibly insensitive.

Why is my name on the list right behind old man withers? Come on.

Yeah, you can't argue with the oddly. Oh, let's face it, Lisa. Between the

stress of your new job and lack of time to exercise, what's obviously crushing

loneliness, we figure you're already on borrowed time.

And I'm taking this online Reiki course, and I'm sensing a lot of negative

energy right here.

Really?

Yeah.

All right, everyone, I've got a game.

Rugby spin.

So you're going to go first, and I'm going to give you a spin.

She's going to hit you as hard as she can, and then you're going to do the

thing, and whoever did it harder gets a point.

Don't go easy.

Okay, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, okay.

Out of there, Lizzie. Out of there. Yeah.

Which is way too small. Now, this is the match -up. This is the match -up we've

all been waiting to see.

All right, Mr. Hunt, let's do it. Just going to get this cleaned off before I

put it in my mouth. No offense, Lucy, but I want no part of the grade 9 boys

you've been sucking face with.

It's not the world I'm trying to live in. I need mono like I need a hole in

head. All right, Hunt, let's do this.

I'm going to spoon you, Frank.

And into the mouth.

This was supposed to be a romantic walk with Jasmine and I. Why'd you have to

ruin this? What are you talking about? You ruined it. She and I were the ones

that had a connection.

Connection? She had no connection or interest in you. She was too busy

on me. I'm the one who's unforgettable. Just like I told my first girlfriend,

you can drink all you want, but you'll never be able to scrape me from your

memory. Bet you drank a lot. Anyway, what's the point of arguing about it?

It doesn't matter. She's married. But if she wasn't married, I promise you she'd

pick me over you. Do you? Yes.

What are you guys fighting about?

No, no. We're not fighting. We're just talking loudly. That's what adults do

sometimes. That's what Mom and Dad used to say before they got divorced.

What? Hello.

Your mom's divorced? That's awesome.

Hey, what's your name again?

BJ. Okay.

B.

BJ, let me ask you a question. Does your mom prefer funny, smart, athletic guys?

Or maybe she prefers a renaissance man, right? Who likes books and lively

conversation and coupons. I don't know.

You know what? I'm going to go ask her. I'll head back to base camp and I'll

talk to her myself. You two set up the game. Why don't you do that and I'll

here and bond with BJ.

Now, which way, BJ, which way did you bring us in here?

I don't know. We followed you, BJ. We thought you knew because you always...

Where's base camp, Smokey the Bear?

What's your little compass say? I don't know. Do you see what it's pointing at

right now?

South. An idiot.

Who's not going to get the girl? Wait, BJ.

Wait up. What's the hurry?

Ground.

Ooh.

Ooh. Felt like butterfly kisses from a tiny mosquito.

Okay.

Let's see what you got.

Ready, Mr. Hunt?

I was born ready. Actually, I was born breech, but once they turned my butt

around, I was raring to go.

Okay, let's do this.

Ah!

Ah! How did you do that?

Guess I'm a natural. That was a good round, but I'm going to have to give it

Frank. It was really close, though.

Okay. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Where were that head?

Round two.

Let's do this.

And I thought I had atrophied muscles.

Funny!

No more laughing. New rule.

Down.

No.

No, not enough bars.

I thought that would work. Really? The old stumping stand didn't work?

Here's what we're going to do. We're going to wait until dark, and then we'll

follow the North Star out to the parking lot. Yeah, let's just hang out here so

his mom worries her.

Oh, my gosh.

What? That's a bear.

Oh, no. I'm pretty sure that was a bear. How do you know? There it is again.

It's getting closer. What do they say if it's black? Never go back. That's

different. You fight back. But if it's brown, you lay down.

Flush it down. All I know is that I better run faster than you.

PJ! No! Go see the bear.

Bear! Bear!

I'm out of here!

Sleep deprivation. Decreases life expectancy by 12%. Depression.

Second leading cause of disease and early death. Score.

I am so attracted to you right now.

I can't believe I put all my eggs in the Williams basket when you've clearly

given up on life. That's not true. I'll have you know that I live a meaningful

and fulfilling life.

Are your gums bleeding?

Come here, Lisa.

I am so sorry. We had no idea. What are we doing this for?

Yeah, got it.

Oh, my.

Listen, is there someone I can call? An exorcist, maybe?

Okay.

Oh, fun!

Okay,

we're done with rugby spoons. Everyone head back to your groups. No, no, no,

I don't know how you're doing this with your tiny body, your less developed

brain than mine. I don't know if there's some sort of superpower happening, but

I don't believe it. Lower that head.

That's a pain, Frank.

Ow!

I felt that one.

Nice right hook, sir.

Oh, okay.

Okay. Okay.

Here's a fun game.

I like to call it Shared Alibi.

Hmm? Who here saw Frank trip? Who saw him trip? There it is. There's one hand,

couple hands, hands. New game.

It's called Carry the Body.

So I'm going to enlist a couple of the bigger boys. Yep. Strong girls.

Oh, God.

I gotta stop. I think it's broken.

Thank you. Sorry for doing every single thing I could to save us from the bear.

There was no bear.

And even if there was, you left BJ and I there to die. Tell your mom that, BJ.

You left us to die, and I saved you. BJ, look.

It's hot.

No water. It's hot.

I forgot!

You have water.

Can I...

I'm too weak to go anywhere.

BJ's got to go. BJ, you got to go get help, buddy. Okay?

It's a good BJ.

You know, when I say it out loud, it's a terrible name for a child.

Hello, everyone.

Don't tell me. Let me guess. You're here to shut down the death pool. No.

I'm here to thank all of you for betting on me to die.

Oh, acceptance.

The last step.

I'm serious.

You guys made me take a long, hard look at myself, and I didn't like what I saw.

So I made some changes. I'm drinking green energy.

I signed up for a Tai Chi class.

And I even gave my phone number to a real live man.

Yeah, you did.

So, it looks like I am going to live a long, healthy life. And you're all going

to lose the death pool.

Like everything's turning up Lisa.

I believe it.

My wife is dead.

Well, there goes the pool. Thanks, everybody.

Hooray. Look, I don't know how to feel about it. I'm glad for you, sad for her.

Woo! How are you, Lisa?

Oh, her foot's twitching. She's fine.

That's all for now.

I hope I see you again.

Would you shut up? I'm trying to do a video here.

There you go. Yes.

What's the video for? A video in which we don't get out of here and it's my

words. Is that okay?

To who?

My loved ones.

I want to make a video for my loved ones.

My phone's only 8 gig. Can I use yours, please?

Hi, Nanny. Love you.

If you're seeing this, it's because something terrible happened to me.

Just do me a favor, okay?

Promise you'll delete my browser history.

My password is... Look away.

My password's pterodactyl, but the P is silent.

I'll take it. Okay, all right. That's good. I hope we do get out of here

because I want to show that to everybody at the school.

Show what to people?

Nothing.

BJ!

BJ!

Jasmine! Bryce!

What?

Are you still here?

BJ! No, thanks.

Good.

Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but we're going to have to resort

to the secret of the forest.

What secret?

We're going to have to drink our own urine to survive.

No, I'm not doing that.

I really think you're underestimating the severity of our situation.

I'm not drinking my own urine, weirdo. Well, you can stay here and rot, but I'm

going to save myself the only way I know how. Go for it.

Disgusting.

Can you just look at me real quick?

Not looking at you.

Oh, put that away.

Have you ever heard of SPS?

What the hell is SPS?

Showy Bladder Syndrome.

And I'm a sufferer. I need someone to stare at me.

in order for me to pee. No, I'm not the guy for that. Who else do you see around

here? Well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Try living with it. You

live at home alone. How do you do this? I have mirrors over my toilets, Jerry.

Okay, well. I can solve my own problems at home. Please stare at yourself. Look.

I'm not looking at you. There are so many things I'd rather be doing than

this conversation with you in the woods. So please, just look at me while I pee

so I can drink my own urine so I can live. Are you serious?

That's good.

Just like that.

You're inside your own head about it. Just look at me.

All right, fine. No, up here. My eyes are up here. Where am I looking? Into my

eyes. Once you look at me, don't look away, because then it really hurts my

stomach. One, two, three.

That's all you get. Don't look away, because it hurts.

Hurry up.

That's hurry up. Okay, that's all. I can't do this. Don't look away, because

hurts when you look. I feel like an idiot. Ow!

Hurry up! Ow! Ow!

What the heck?

EJ came!

With Jasmine!

Oh, God, thank God.

What happened to your foot? I think I broke it.

He's a weirdo.

Okay, run back to base. BJ, here.

Lean on me. Let's go back.

Jasmine, do I have something on my retina? Stop it. Look.

Don't look at him.

She chose me.

A squirrel.

Hi, buddy.

Hi.

You're on my lap.

Welcome back.

sleepyhead? It has to be a misunderstanding.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure Paul would never hurt anyone.

What is going on here?

We're taking this man in for questioning about the death of his ex -wife.

Look, I get it, I get it. Broke ex -husband, lost everything, lives in the

school basement.

I suspect me too. I'll wait for you, Paul.

It's all good.

God, I love bad boys.

Preaching to the choir.

Didn't he just say he lives in the school basement?

Yeah, like Freddy Krueger.

You okay, Jerry? Yeah, thanks for giving me these, Frank. You didn't have to do

that. Oh, anytime, bud. I appreciate it. That was very kind of you.

And I'm sorry we're leaving a bit early.

Oh, I've never had a field trip take down so many teachers before.

I don't know. Maybe we go out sometime.

That was fun to get to know you. Yeah. What's your email address? I'll email

you. It's Jerry underscore Duncan underscore a .k .a. Mr. D at Yahoo .com.

One more time.

Jerry underscore Duncan. That's me. And then underscore a .k .a. Mr. D because

that's what the kids call me. me at yahoo .com it's okay try jerry

yeah duncan yeah underscore aka what the kids call me at

yahoo no no that's not an email what the kids call me no just that time just so

you remember aka mr d underscore aka mr d all right i'll look for that email

okay okay see you jasmine thanks

Run us over again.

Simon, will you come into the woods with me real quick and just stare into my

eyes? Oh, you need to go pee? Yes.

Yeah, let's go. Frank, I admire you, buddy. Just believe you can do it, Jer.

Okay, thanks, buddy.

This really is the icing on one crap storm of a day. Sort of a metaphor.

Shut up. You don't put icing on a storm. Shut up. What have I said about

fighting at Xavier?

I wasn't listening. I don't think you ever said anything, to be honest. That's

because I've never had to reprimand any of my staff for fighting at Xavier over

a game.

Rugby spoons? I don't even know what that is.

Oh, you don't?

It's just a really fun game once you get to know all the rules.

We could show you how to play if you want.

Sure. Why not?

Okay, come sit in my chair.

Oh, you're going to love this.

So much fun.

Okay.

Well, here we go. Use your fruit spoon. Just put the handle in your mouth.

And I'll bend down, and you hit me on the top of the head as hard as you can.

Brace yourself.

That's it?

This is a stupid game.

You've kind of got to get the hang of it. Here, I'll show you.

Ow! What the hell was that?

It was a prank.

You got to hide the spoon, Simon. Oh, God.

Shit. Ow, ow, ow, ow. Is that fun?

Ow, ow, ow, ow. Sorry. Oh, sorry. Ow, sorry. Is that fun?

Go, go, go, go.

Clean your own litter box.

I'm really sorry about the misunderstanding.

You're free to go.

Oh, good, man. What I'm tasting?

What is this?

Cilantro? Mr.

Dwyer, the fact of the matter is we need the room here.

Can you wrap this up for me? Yeah, I guess so.

And sorry about the phone book. The heat of the moment, yeah?

I was mumbling. For all you know, I could have been making a threat or

something.

It's been a tough day for all of us, right?

Come here.

Tomorrow's going to be a better day, all right?