Original subtitles

Have a java, Jerry?

Please.

Morning, how is everyone?

Mr. D?

What the hell is that?

It's a breath pump. I have an appointment after school, so I'm just

little snack for baby Logan.

Aw. You're doing that in a staff room?

Why not?

Yeah, Jerry, why not? I happen to think it's great that Xavier has a pump

-positive environment.

Disgusting. Can you do that somewhere else? What are you, lactate intolerant?

Look, this is a staff room, not a farm.

With the milk being sucked out of the teeth by a machine.

Jerry, maybe you're not aware of the health benefits.

Breast milk is an excellent source of nutrition.

Vitamin C, amino acids, magnesium, love.

A little top up?

No, no, don't do that. No, no, no, I'll throw up. A little squirt? No, don't do

that. Oh, God, no. No, no, no, no, no.

That's not allowed.

Just one more little squirt.

Thank you, my milkmaid. Oh, my God.

What a baby.

Are you, um, ambi -breath -drift? Like, can you do both?

I'm awesome. No, you're not, dude. Don't lie. I'm awesome. I'm driving around in

my mom's ride. I'm awesome. A quarter of my life gone by.

I'm awesome.

Heather,

is that you? Jerry?

What are you doing here?

Wow, I teach at... Xavier.

Wow, that's, wow.

How long has it been since we were in a relationship?

We're in love.

Allie, this is Mommy's old friend, Mr. Duncan.

Mr. Duncan, this is Allie.

It's your first year at Xavier.

I'm in grade five.

Great, I didn't know you'd gotten married.

To my daddy, he's a soldier fighting overseas, sacrificing. You look great. I

will say that.

We had some good times.

I think two, two times. Was it two? One was bowling.

Bowling.

We don't want to be late.

Bowling. Remember what the bowling led to?

A strike.

Well, I'm going to school too, so I'll have to follow you.

Robert, are you okay?

Just trying to get into my chess club jacket because my high school reunion is

coming up this weekend. Robert, no one expects you to fit into a jacket from 20

pounds ago.

Your chess club had a jacket?

Yeah. Well, we were more like a gang than a club, I guess.

Called herself the queen.

Look there, the thick gork.

Wow. Pretty tough.

It might be better that you don't fit into it.

Why? I need Vanessa Mugliano to see me in this jacket.

Oh, the one that got away.

Technically the one I never had. She turned me down when I asked her to the

Knights and Rooks dance.

Oh, have you been carrying a torch for her all these years?

Hell no.

I just want her to want me now so that I can shun her back and make it even.

How do I do that?

What I find attractive is confidence.

Yeah. Well, if I had the old Callahan bod, I'd be more confident. So which

first, the chicken or the ab, you know? You want to lose weight? You should come

with me to hot yoga after school.

We'll do it the old -fashioned way.

We'll sweat it off. I only have a few days of reunions this weekend. All the

more reason to get started. I'll see you at 4 .15.

Okay.

I'm in.

Can you do me a favor?

Can you give me a hand with this jacket?

Sure. Jacket on or jacket off?

Sir.

Hey, guess who I ran into outside the school?

Couldn't they fit in a bread box?

No, it's a person. They can't fit in a bread box. Tell that to Chandra Bahadur

Dangi. Who?

World's shortest man. 55 centimeters tall.

Definitely fit in a bread box.

Probably fit a piece of bread in there, too.

For a blanket.

Okay, Simon, you done? I ran into Heather.

Heather's a girl I dated ten years ago. How tall is she?

Would you stop thinking of the bread box?

Okay. What was she doing here?

Listen to this. She's got a daughter at this school in grade five. You know how

awkward that was?

Wait a second.

She is nine.

We dated ten years ago.

And the daughter had blonde hair, blue eyes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. You don't think... No, I don't think she'd fit in that bread box.

No, not the bread box. She's more than twice Chandra's height.

I'd have to see her, though.

How are you?

How would you like to support the arts for only five bucks?

Wow, you have a new single out. I didn't know you'd put your band back together.

I didn't. I'm a solo act.

How many would you like? Well, I mean, obviously, I would love one, but

unfortunately, the problem is I am not supposed to listen to music.

Doctor's orders, though.

Nickelback ruined my eardrums.

Mm -hmm.

Turn around. Turn around.

Emma!

How would you like to hear my new song, I'm an Original?

Well, I don't have anything to play it on.

Here we go.

For you.

And there you are.

Thanks. Enjoy.

I'm an original, one of a kind.

You can't tell that I'm sweating, can you? Just breathe, Robert.

My God, you are sweaty.

I can't. I feel like I'm marinating in myself.

All right, if everyone can move to the front of their mat.

We're going to start with a sun salutation.

And step down into downward dog.

remembering to breathe, giving thanks and being grateful for all that we have

life.

I'm so deeply sorry.

Now I'm safe.

And now into up dog.

I'm just going to step in and go to warrior pose.

All right, we're moving on.

Robert, why don't you just pass the jacket? Take it out. I know a tailor.

It's good call.

Yeah, I can see it.

Same complexion, same eyes.

Same athletic ability. Look at her.

You know what her mother told her?

Her father is overseas fighting in the war. That's why he's not around.

Ugh. Classic lie.

Oh, God. Poor kid.

I don't know if I'm ready to be a father, Simon. Tell that to the hundreds

kids that you teach and raise every day at school, Jerry. You discipline them.

You watch movies with them. You come back every September, whether you want

or not.

And I know you don't always want to.

I'm already a dad. You're already a dad.

So much time to make up for.

Hey, there's her mom. One sec.

Hey, Heather.

Hey.

Twice in one day. Well, I think it's time we had that talk.

What talk?

Look, I think you're doing a great job with Allie, but don't you think it's

she had a father figure in her life? She has a great father.

Well, thank you. I know that was hard to say.

I'm not sure I get what you're saying.

Look, I just think it's time the three of us sat down and discussed what

happened to us ten years ago.

Nothing happened between you and I ten years ago.

Hi, Allie. What do you want to do for dinner tonight?

I was thinking drive -thru.

It's okay by me. Check with your mother. She was checking with me. Then we're

both fine with it.

Sure, Holly.

Do the right thing, Heather.

Talk to her.

Sure, Jerry. Whatever you say.

Bye, sir.

Won't be, sir, for much longer.

Oh,

a box of porn for me? But I didn't get you anything.

No, you get this filth and any other stuff like this, she got stashed in the

house. Out of here.

Because my daughter's going to be here every other weekend.

You still on this daughter thing?

You see, I know you don't understand this, Bill, because you're not a father

like me. You've been a dad for like ten minutes.

Don't tell me you made custody arrangements already.

It's not official, but it's happening.

You know, this could actually be good for you. How? Because if you want to

a chick, a daughter's the way to go. Excuse me?

Well, having a daughter is the way to go. Then, like, women love single dads

because they think you're responsible.

Clearly, you are not.

How does everything come back to dating for you?

You're talking about me being someone's father.

I've created the future, Bill.

Does your future include beer? Because mine does.

Yeah, another thing. The new house rules I put a lock on the fridge at all

times. Why?

Because there's alcohol in there and I don't need my 10 -year -old running

around getting wasted with her friends. This is bullshit.

And no swearing in the house. Another rule.

This kid is ruining my life.

Well, apparently that's what kids do to parents.

They ruin your life. So welcome to my world.

How is hot yoga?

More like hot noga. But it doesn't even matter because I have a new plan.

That looks really bad.

What is it? It's a recipe I found on the internet.

It's water, cayenne pepper, maple syrup, and tons of wheatgrass.

Oh, a juice cleanse.

Yeah. Yeah. They can be a little intense, though, so just go easy on it.

Liquid vitality.

Hi. Did you talk to your mother last night?

Yeah. Anything you want to ask me?

No. Look, I know this is a lot to take in right now.

I'll follow your lead. I'll work with you.

And I got you this.

I slept with it under my pillow last night, so it's all worked in.

Thanks.

You should fit your hand perfectly, too, because it's the same size.

Okay?

Emma's a regional one.

Yeah.

What the hell is this?

It's Emma's Original.

Right, guys?

Emma's. No, I don't think that's right.

Okay, well, whatever it is, it's great. Okay, Trudy?

Thought you couldn't listen to music.

Yeah. You know what? The sound waves are affecting me. Thank you. Uh -huh.

Hey, I told you to listen to my song, not steal it.

Sherry?

You just made a powerful enemy, bookworm.

Hey, Robert.

What are you doing sitting in the dark?

Turn it off.

Turn it off. Turn it off.

I just have a bit of a headache from this juice cleanse.

Oh, are you okay?

I was just wondering if maybe we could... Just write

it down. Okay.

I'll just email you.

Okay.

Okay.

Where do you want me to put shelves?

Sorry to bother you, Ms. Mason. Can I speak to Allie for a second, please?

in the middle of class. Can it wait?

No, it can't wait. It's very important, okay?

Okay, go ahead.

All right.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Allie, why didn't the baseball glove mean something to you?

That was supposed to be our moment.

Has your mother not spoken to you yet? Yeah, I talk to her every day.

Okay, but about her and I?

Years ago, and how serious we... All right, here's my first parenting moment.

Hey, remember this?

Remember this? The ballpark? Remember?

Yes, you do, because you did it, and I... You don't even know you do it, like

me. I don't know I do it.

You have blonde hair, beautiful eyes. I have blonde hair, beautiful eyes.

Right? You see?

You're not getting this. You're not getting this.

My dad's a soldier. He's stationed in Darfur.

There's no such thing as a Darfur.

Hey.

Hey, you.

Do you want to go to the zoo with me tomorrow after school?

Do you want to do that?

I can't. I'm busy.

It's my birthday.

I should know.

I should know.

Can I go back to class? Yeah. Hey, you take your time. When you're ready, when

you're ready, you let me know. You give me a signal.

Is that a sign, Allie?

Allie.

Allie.

Robert, you need to eat something. This isn't healthy.

You want a sandwich?

Sure, whatever.

Hey, you fit in your chest jacket.

That's great.

I don't know why it's such a big deal, Lisa, because I'm not even going to my

stupid reunion.

What? Robert, you have to go.

You've got to go and press... Vanessa Mugliano.

Oh, wow.

You look, you look cleansed.

It's just the toxins evicting themselves from the shoddy tenement that is my

face. Oh, it's what's on the inside that counts, right?

Yeah, this used to be on the inside. Does that count?

I can try to help. I got makeup.

Really?

Yeah.

That's her, my little birthday girl.

How old is she turning?

Nine, ten, eleven, something in there.

Now she loves softball. So when she sees I brought a national team member, she's

going to love me even more. It's quite the birthday gift.

Here we go.

Allie.

I'm Dana Plaxton, and we're live for heartwarming homecomings week.

Isn't this wonderful?

What's going on? He wanted to surprise her. He just flew in from Darfur.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Duncan, what are you doing?

Excuse me. Can I ask you to just sort of stand away there?

What do you mean?

Jerry! Get away from my daughter. Who the hell are you? Stand down, soldier.

He's some guy that I dated years ago.

He told me that he was my dad.

You said what to my little girl?

We're not sure it's your little girl, Captain Highliner, because we've got

new developments since you've been gone fishing.

Are you getting this? We haven't found out anything new, Jerry.

Just get out of here.

Give me a second here, Allie.

I am so... All right, have some competition.

I'm going to give you your glove.

No. Let me give her your glove. Why it's a glove? No.

Why do I have you here?

I have no idea.

All right, everybody calm down. Duncan, explain yourself.

All right, fine. First of all, thank you for your service over in Dubai.

Darfur. Same thing.

I know this is a shock to you to come here and realize that I am Ali's father.

I get that. I'm sorry you found out this way. I'm sorry you weren't told.

But I still appreciate what you do for our country. I appreciate you protecting

me and my daughter. What is he talking about?

Ignore him. He's an idiot.

Oh, my God.

Allie is not your daughter.

There's no chance of that. None.

When are you going to stop lying, Heather?

When are you going to admit it and face up to it? Because I remember that night.

I remember the bullying because I went home. I wrote down the date, and I

figured out everything. And I said, I wonder if I'm going to have a child with

this woman. And I counted the days, and you were ovulating. You were ovulating

because I remember you said the word, and that's the first time I heard the

word. And I knew it, and I knew this could happen. And then you just

forever, and you never told me. I know that's our daughter. I know it is.

Jerry, we went out twice.

And also, I used protection.

I used three lines.

What are three kinds?

Well, it's gone.

Right? Pillow and sponge.

And the sponge.

You also had to use the sponge. Because it would have been so bad if I got you

pregnant. We're back for a very special and very confusing heartwarming

homecoming. So, to be clear here, you are Allie's mother, and this is

Nothing. Allie's nothing.

I see. And now, who are you?

Oh, I'm Jenna Kyra. I'm a pitcher for the Canadian National Softball Team.

Fantastic. And a waste of money, because she did nothing.

Okay.

Just a reminder, student council meeting at lunch one day.

So you're coming?

Rumors are abounding about beautiful music erupting from your mouth. I could

give you a private concert right now.

Please.

Reward my ears with velveteen.

I'm an original one of a kind.

I'm as original as you're gonna find.

I dance to the beat of my own drum.

I'm as original as they come.

I dance to the beat of my own drum.

I'm as original as they come.

I'm as original as you're gonna find.

I knew this day would arrive.

The music, she has died.

Vanessa Mugliano.

Oh, my God, you look great.

Oh, you cut your hair.

It's so good to see you, Rhonda.

Rhonda?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Is that the heartwarming homecomings again?

Yes. Dude, you gotta stop torturing yourself.

Think about the money you saved. No orthodontist, no university.

Her teeth were straight.

She wasn't that bright.

It wasn't gonna cost me anything.

Come on, man.

I gotta go out. Come with me. We'll meet some girls.

I'm not in the mood to meet girls. I just lost my daughter. They would love

that.

You're just saying that to cheer me up. Come on, man. Maybe you gotta go

pregnant tonight.

I guess life goes on, right?

Let's go. Yeah. Hey, tell me how a sponge works so I know.

Come on, Simon. Hurry up.

Come

on.

Good job, Jerry. I like that. Come on. I like that.

Give him something he can work with. Don't encourage him. He's awful.

You think it's that easy?

To him? Yes, I do.

Okay. Well, how about I pitch to you and you step in the box and...

It's that easy.

Okay. Girl pitcher.

Girl pitcher.

Girl throwing. Girl throwing.

It's coming.

Good luck out there.

Good hustle, Simon.

Stay right at second base. As far as you can.

Simon. Further, Simon.

Take it back.

so I can hit it.

What the hell was that?