Original subtitles

Oh, look who's decided to join us today.

Sorry it was late, sir. I was at the doctor's. Oh, the doctor excuse.

I've heard it many times from your brother, Jimmy.

I'm not like my brother.

My brother's an idiot.

Ha! Yes, he is an idiot.

Here, I have a note from my mom.

Oh.

You have a note from your mom, do you?

Are you forgetting I taught Jimmy for three years now?

I know what your mom's signature looks like, and your mom puts a penis where

eye is, so this is not from you.

Jimmy. Would you like me to get out, sir?

Yes.

Tammy, get out.

Can I get you some coffee?

Sure. Would you like me to put something in it?

Milk.

All right, first of all, gentlemen, congratulations on the successful growth

your mustaches. Nice fundraising effort.

I appreciate it, as does the charity we've done such good work for. All of

of course, except for Simon.

You don't believe in charity work? Oh, no. My mom doesn't like mustaches. She

says they tickle.

Right. Disturbing.

Perhaps more disturbing is the sudden lackadaisical attitude towards dress

What's going on here, guys?

Couldn't agree more. It's mutt city out there.

Yeah, the kids are taking a lot of liberties.

Students? It's not the students I'm talking about. They're pins.

Cover up those getaway sticks, will ya? Put that leg salad sandwich away till

lunchtime, am I right?

That's kind of harsh.

Is it?

You should know better than anyone. No peanuts allowed in school.

And as for you, weather map, pick a color, pick a season, pick a theme.

It's like I'm tropically depressed just looking at you. Did a rainbow barf?

Like, I don't even... And finally, Bobby, stop the shinsanity.

It's a place to learn, not a place to be distracted by...

Pillow made of swans. Okay.

Okay.

Do better.

Dismissed.

Hey.

This outfit?

Days.

Whiskers.

Sir, there's the basketball schedule you asked. Oh, thank you. Excellent. Did

you get the buses arranged for the away games?

Duncan? What? Bosses for the away games? Away? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sir, who's

that? Oh, it's my daughter, Tiffany.

She's going to visit the school tomorrow.

I like to put her old grad picture on display.

She hates it.

What's there to hate? She's beautiful, sir.

Oh, thank you.

Thank God. No, like she's really hot, sir.

Okay, look, I think I know where this is going. I'm not fond of staff dating my

daughter.

Duncan. What?

The photograph?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Sorry.

Hey, Trudy.

Trudy, what do you know about Callahan's daughter?

Tiffany?

Why, is she in town?

Yeah, she's dropping by tomorrow, but what's her deal? Is she single?

No, she isn't.

She's engaged to a dentist.

No, she isn't.

They broke up.

Are you serious?

Yep. So she's single.

Yes.

And way too good for you.

Way too good.

Why is she way too good for me?

Well, she owns her own public relations firm, so she's successful.

Teacher. Successful. And she's funny.

Again. She's an accomplished athlete.

Okay. You're talking about me or her, because you just named three things

me. You know, normally I'd say you had about a one in a million shot with her,

but that mustache rounds it to about zero.

Why would I even bother with you two?

Mr. Delusional.

I don't think that's ever going to happen.

Never.

Hey, Paul.

You've obviously done some modeling, right?

I can't say I have, Bobby. Why? Okay, well, you're in luck because I'm in

of the new Xavier admissions campaign, and we need some staff to be in our

poster, so... I'm down. What do you need me to do? Okay, I just need you to

smile.

Yeah, like that.

And then we'll just throw some kids in there. I just want to show Xavier in a

positive light, you know?

Yeah. So you'll help me out. Yeah, I'd be happy to. Just let me know the

details, and we'll take it from there. Thank you. I'm happy, too, also.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Malick, but we don't need any more people.

I understand.

You think this is not good enough?

No, not at all. It's just you don't usually see a janitor featured in a

marketing poster.

Custodial engineer.

Excuse me? I am not janitor. I am custodial engineer.

Oh, custodial engineer.

Yes, right. Well, I mean, same thing.

Same thing.

Much how kinesiology is fancy talk for playtime.

Hey, guys, can I ask you something? Sure.

My daughter is in town visiting me. She's just gone through a nasty breakup.

Well, I know what that's like.

Well, anyway, she's been the last three nights with me. I think she could use a

night out with someone other than her old man. We've got karaoke tonight.

Perfect. Excuse me, sir. Can I speak to you for a sec?

I just heard you say you're going to send Tiffany out with them for karaoke.

Let me take her out. I'll take her out on a date. You don't want to hear her

listen to Dwyer singing sad songs all night. I told you.

I don't think it's a good idea for Steph to date my daughter.

Robert's been bugging me for years. He says he wants to be a Callahan.

Robert?

You're comparing me to Robert?

Come on. You know Tiffany and I have a lot in common. We both love to laugh. We

both love sports.

She's single. I'm single. Let me just take her out on a date.

One date.

You sure you want to date your boss's daughter?

I am so sure.

All right.

Perfect. I will not let you down.

And maybe I'll be a Callahan, Daddy.

Mm -hmm.

Okay, you guys, get to class, please.

Come on, you heard the bell.

You too, young man.

Simon. Hey, Lisa.

Why are you dressed like a student?

Oh, you heard Robert.

I don't think this is what he meant by dress code.

Well, it's been great.

I know what I'm wearing every day, and bonus, I fit in so well, none of the

students even notice. I'm hearing all the gossip.

I got a lot to say about you.

Oh. Like what? What do they say about me? Sorry, Lisa. Uniform, coat of

That's not a real thing.

You wouldn't know, would you?

Mr. Hunt's looking sharp.

I look sharp today.

See, Miss Mason? That is how teachers should be dressed.

He looks like a student.

He looks naturally attired, if I do say.

Plus, he's suitably covered up.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, it's been... Way too late. I mean, we haven't aged.

Jerry, Jerry, come on in. I want you to meet my pride and joy, Tiffany.

Hi, Jerry.

Hey. It is good to meet you. Hey, Tiffany. How are you? Great.

Tips here.

Oh, hi.

I am so happy to see your face.

This is thorough.

There you go, Robert.

So, yeah, your dad showed me the...

Picture there.

Dad, I hate that picture.

Look at my hair.

Your hair's definitely changed.

I know.

So,

me and you tonight.

Yeah, no, I'm good. I'll do, I mean, we could all have a little. You treat her

right. This is precious cargo.

Oh, okay.

We should all go for dinner.

Oh, no, me and them. Just me and you. We'll go for a drink.

Right now.

Never too early for a drink. Does anyone else want to come? Oh, come on, me and

you. Anyone else? I'll have fun, you two.

Aw.

Daddy's little girl.

Hurry up.

All right.

So I love the Celtics.

That's my favorite team. Do you want to go to a game? What do you mean, go to a

game? In box? How are we going to? I'm going to blow your mind.

Steve -O, it's Jeff.

Hey, can you give me court sides to the Celtics next time?

Can we use your jet?

Great. Thank you.

Done.

What? We're going to Boston. We're going to a game.

We should get two more tickets so I can go on the jet.

Bill, do you want two tickets?

No, don't. Yes, please.

Try some scalpers.

Ah!

See you later.

Get out of here. Servant.

He's not. He's my roommate.

God, how am I ever going to sit in cheap seats again at a game? You've ruined

me, Tiffany.

You're not the first man to tell me that, Jerry. Oh, boy.

I like that.

Yeah, I must say, it's really refreshing to meet a man who appreciates a cooler

as much as I do.

Thank you. People make fun of me because I'm a guy drinking coolers. There's

more alcohol in a cooler.

Why would anyone choose a beer when you can have liquid candy in a bottle?

No yeast in a cooler. None. No one's ever had a raspberry infection, have

I should call my doctor.

Hey,

Robert told me you are an accomplished athlete. Well, yeah, an equestrian. I

used to be. It's been a long time. I'm a little out of shape.

No.

We're all. We're all.

We're all out of shape. I'm out of shape. You're out of shape. I'd like to

back into it, though. It's really good exercise.

I think that'd be great if you got back into shape. Me, too. I should get back.

Everyone should be in shape all the time.

Or we could just give up coolers.

No!

No, no.

Let's do a shot.

Why not?

You choose. A shot? You choose. Pick something green for the Celtics. Right.

Hey, you guys have been dating for a while, right?

Yeah. And you're both happy? So happy. Yeah.

Obviously, Keegan, that you're happy. I get that.

But you're good with this, Laurie?

Couldn't be better, sir.

Couldn't be better.

Well, what makes it work?

We're best friends, sir. We think the same things are funny.

We have so much in common, and we just hang out together all the time.

But when you first saw each other, when you first saw each other, let's go back

to that day, you didn't know all that. You didn't know all that stuff.

And I get, Keegan, that when you saw Lori, you were like, what?

Shut the front door.

You hit the jackpot, right? Like, that's what people say. You're like, jackpot.

You still felt that when you... Well, I think it was just... Okay, this is

really more of a Lori question.

Do you see what I'm saying? I don't understand.

Let's...

Be honest, when you looked back, what did you see?

Keegan.

Keegan. Haven't you ever just clicked with somebody, sir?

Yeah, I have.

It's great, isn't it?

Yeah, it is great.

All right, Bobby, you're in charge. Let's get this show on the road. Yeah,

problem. Okay, can everybody just look this way? Actually, Dwyer, can you go

stand over there?

And, uh, wow, that is a tight shirt. What's wrong? Nothing. Nope, all.

It's good. Yeah, can you go stand in front there?

Can everybody look supportive?

This is our new school poster, you know. We're trying to show that we are

working hard for your kids.

Okay?

Yeah, convey that. Nice.

Okay, stand by.

There's going to be a couple in a row.

Stop it.

Okay, smile, everyone.

Hey, Tiffany, you're back.

Oh, hey, Jerry.

Just meeting Dad for lunch. Oh, I'm just going to get a coffee if you... No,

thanks.

Want a coffee? Okay.

I'll be with you in a second, sweetheart.

No hurry, Dad.

Duncan, Tiffany told me she had a very nice time last night. Thanks for doing

that. No!

That's so funny.

Paul's just telling me a crazy story about his ex.

That's what you guys have in common.

Exes.

Recently single.

Recently dumped.

That's tough.

We have a lot in common. Sports.

Coolers, liquid candy, remember?

That is true.

Ready to go? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

We have a lot in common.

What a woman.

What'd you say? What a woman.

No, no arguments. I want that assignment on my desk tomorrow or it's two weeks

detention.

Lisa, what are you doing?

What? Go easy on Elliot.

His parents are in the middle of an epic divorce.

Oh, I didn't know.

That's all anyone's talking about. Well, that and Kelly's colostomy bag. It was

tragic at first, but she is killing it.

Wow. Really out of the loop, huh?

I want to be in the loop.

You're obviously jealous.

I'm not jealous.

Then why do you care about our conversation with Dwyer? I don't care.

face it. You're into her.

I'm not into her, okay? Look at her, look at me.

Obviously, we're not a match.

It's pretty superficial.

Oh, God, you're calling me superficial.

You have a different hot girl coming out of your room every week. Yeah, I'm

shallow. It's a difference, Jerry.

Superficial is when you think it. Shallow is when you live it.

Well, I think I should live it.

You can't. The heart wants what the heart wants.

My heart wants meaningless sex.

Your heart wants something more. Why can't it work? I mean, who cares, right?

get along so well with her. I could hang out with her all day. She gets tickets,

jets. It's just like sports.

She talked about getting in shape. She talked about getting... What if she got

back in shape and looked like she did in that picture? Then everything's

perfect.

Okay. That's pretty shallow.

Oh, God.

It's not shallow.

It's honest.

Hey,

there you are.

I'm changing my shirt.

Do you want a coffee? No, no, just come to the town. Get one after.

Did you see the Celtics last night? How good was that game? Oh, my God.

Fire!

Can I offer the lady?

At a coffee shop?

How much for all of them?

I will get a flower.

Wait, wait, wait.

What? You're not going to buy me a rose, are you? I don't have to, but... Jerry,

I know you know that.

It's just a coffee.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no.

Like, nothing's going to happen. No, I just, I never know what this, when they

do this. They trap you.

That's a no on the flower? That's a no on the flower.

You could go. You should go take the rose. It was a joke, bad joke.

I want... Out of curiosity, why are you saying... That nothing's going to... I

mean, I know it's just friends, but why... It's just this would never work

between the two of them. Yeah, no, no. I don't think... I never thought it would

either, but why are you saying it wouldn't work out? You know, it... I'm

attracted to... I'm sure

other girls are. I bet other girls are.

Not me, though. You are not attracted.

Please stop. I know I'm not Brad Pitt. I get that. But I think I hold my own. I

thought I did.

I'm... What is... Let's figure out.

Let's pinpoint.

Don't do that. What if I could fix it? Maybe I could fix... Your teeth.

Your teeth are way too big for your head.

I mean... They're gigantic. They're gigantic.

Way too big for your head.

This is...

My teeth are the reason we can't hang out. And sometimes you're distracted

easily. And... Yeah.

I'm going to go. So the Celtics game, we're not doing that, obviously.

Thank you for coming. I'm going to go. Okay. All right? Okay.

Wow.

There's... It's taking toll.

Yeah, well, you're... Huh.

Easy peasy.

Equestrian, huh?

Hello.

Up, up, up, up. Short skirt alert.

Short skirt alert.

I'm going to have to write you up because that skirt is too short. Miss

Mr. Cheely.

Um, what are you doing?

I'm wearing the school uniform. I'm blending in just like Simon.

Hey, I started a trend.

I love it.

Cool. No, not cool.

You can't be parading around the hallways dressed up as a slutty

school. Why not? Simon wears the uniform.

Because it's different.

How is it different? Well, people have fantasies about what you're doing, and

it's not appropriate.

That's true.

Nobody has a fantasy about that.

Um, excuse me?

I know someone in my senior biology class who might disagree.

Oh.

Donald. Donald?

No, it's Michael.

Donald. No.

I hadn't even considered Donald.

Irregardlessly.

The point is, you can't dress like that. Hey, sexy.

Excuse me.

Sorry, miss.

I'm going to go to Johnny. Wow. That seems my point. I want you to go back to

your classroom and take that off.

Let me do that out in the bathroom.

Same goes for you, Simon. No more uniforms on staff.

Do I make myself clear? What? No.

Yes.

Good.

Thank you very much, Miss Mason.

I'm going to wear this to barrels.

Here's my attendance, Trudy.

Hey, Trudy. If you would have...

Pick something on me that was a little bit unattractive. Teeth.

Way too big for your head.

No, they're not.

See?

All right. Yeah. Question.

There was something about my appearance that you might say is a little bit

unattractive. Your top four teeth.

What? Yeah.

Maybe you just have too many teeth.

Why don't you donate a couple to hockey?

I think Bobby did a great job with this. She really captured the spirit of

Xavier. And if I do say, I think the mustaches lend us a rather dignified

Okay, look, grab the other one.

You lift me up when my hope is fading You give me something wonderful to

hold on to I don't know how I found you But I'm a better me when

I'm around you Cause you put the sunshine in every...