All language subtitles for mr._d_s03e07_self_defense

All right.

Not the part of the job I like, but it's
why I'm in this position, to help kids.

It's why I teach.

And frankly, you guys are missing way
too much class for hockey.

Especially you, McKinnon.

We need to talk about this, because this
is going to affect your career and your

future. And I need to step in,
especially you, Nathan, because you are

loss. What are your plans next year?

Um, I want to play professional hockey
next year. So do I.

Why don't I just go?

Millions of kids do.

Pretty much nobody makes it.

Have you ever seen them play?

You're not helping. What are you doing
next year, Cameron?

I'm going to go to college and play
hockey.

Going to college to play hockey.

Do you see how that works?

I have a feeling, Nathan.

You're not thinking that right now. Have
you been following my career at all,

sir? Have you been following my career?

No. Great hockey player.

Still great.

Still great. And then I said, probably
should go to school.

Got a degree.

Became a teacher.

Got a job.

$48 ,000 a year, thank you.

That I do with whatever I want.

Anything I want. I buy it, pretty much.
Because I have a job.

You.

Hockey's not a job. Start coming to
class.

I'm not going to say it anymore.

Wake up.

Wow.

I'm awesome. No, you're not, dude. Don't
lie.

I'm awesome. I'm driving around in my
mom's ride. I'm awesome. A quarter of my

life gone by.

How is your volleyball team doing?

Good. Great.

Ready for the game?

Yes, sir.

Unfortunately, I'm going to need the gym
all this week after school, so you're

going to have to have your practices
elsewhere, okay?

What are you talking about? We have a
game. Where am I going to move

We need nets and stuff. What do you
mean, elsewhere?

Okay, they're junior girls.

Okay? They can barely get the ball over
the net. That's so defeatist.

And you're the athletic director.

That's how you run your sports programs?

You just give up on everybody?

What do you need the gym for? I am
teaching a self -defense unit. You are?

do you know about teaching self
-defense?

I took a weekend workshop, thank you.
Oh, a whole weekend workshop. Okay, it

intensive, it was a full weekend, and I
am very qualified, trust me. That is

ridiculous.

You are kicking me out of the gym for
that?

You know what?

I'm not asking you. I'm telling you.

Well, you're putting the safety of those
kids in jeopardy.

I should be teaching that.

Judy, I will be away tomorrow. I will be
at the library sciences conference.

Okay, I'll get someone to cover the
library.

That's not the point. And no thank you.
The library will be closed tomorrow.

You know that is not our policy.

Then don't let Miss Mason in there in my
absence.

What do you want, Wayne?

I have a very important package being
delivered tomorrow.

That's nice.

No, it's not nice. It's very serious,
and I need to know.

that I can trust you, that you won't
open it or touch it.

Wayne, I have no interest in touching
your package.

I just got it.

It'll be here before noon.

Mind if I join you?

Not at all.

This is great. We never get to eat lunch
together.

I know.

Spare twins?

Sharing a spare.

So I saw some of the science fair
projects that your kids were doing. It's

really impressive.

Just blows your mind, huh? Yeah,
Jordan's project on the aerodynamics of

mullet is just like, thank you.

Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

Yeah, I know. I saw that. I had no idea
mullets could make you move faster. Oh,

my God. Oh, cheese and rice.

You know, they put a lot of heart into
it.

Yeah, a lot of heart.

Simon, are you crying?

Oh, maybe a little. Maybe cry a little.

Come on.

Oh, do you want some of my lunch? Did
you not like yours?

You sure?

Yeah. You know, if you're not hungry
either, I'd just toss this out with you.

No, no, no, no. I'm still wanting to
eat. We can toss that out. Simon. Okay.

want that?

Just want that, huh?

Mm -hmm. Just want to have that?

Oh. I just remembered that I don't think
I have a fair today, so kids are

probably waiting for me.

All right.

I don't know how this is going to work
out, but let's try to make it work,

We're going to use a 6 -2, as I've
explained.

We'll have two setters. We'll always
have three hitters in the front row.

Where's Coach Leung?

Assistant Coach Leung is not here.

Yes, Lucy.

Sir, can I be a hitter instead of a
setter? Sure, you can be both. Who

Nobody can hit or set. Why do we care?
Sir, this is boring. Why can't we go to

the gym?

I told you.

It's raining outside, and Miss Galka is
using the gym.

Did you get kicked out?

It's because she's your boss and can
tell you what to do.

No, she's not.

Can we drop this? Can we get back to
this practice, please? This is all we

We have a game coming up.

Let's do our drills, okay?

Ball, straight line, pass the ball. You
know the deal.

Let's go. Hurry up. Pick it up. Try to
get a good pass up here.

Ready?

Nice. Not bad.

Ready?

One more.

Okay, here we go.

No.

No, you don't have... Sir, I can't reach
it.

We have other balls.

This isn't going to work.

Okay, the most effective places to hit
are the eyes, nose, neck, groin, and

knees. But before any of that can
happen, it's important to surprise your

attacker with your voice.

So, back off!

Right? Immediately, the attacker is
taken aback.

And then does she say please and thank
you when you're done?

Because I would have sexually assaulted
you by now, Maya.

You know what I mean.

Okay. Thanks, Mr. Duncan.

Great. Okay, so let's say I've got you
by the arm.

Pull towards the thumb, Maya.

What are you doing here? Let me show
you.

Hi, girls.

Excuse me. Oh, Maya, I don't want you to
get hurt.

All right.

Miss Galker approaches me.

Okay, grab my arm. I'm not good. Just
grab my arm to show them.

Now, she's going to sexually assault me.
Oh, my God.

To get out of this, pull towards the
thumb. Boom, boom. Oh, my God.

Sexual assaulter, stunned, gone.

You're out of the hold.

Okay, keep in mind, it doesn't have to
be a sexual assaulter. Well, it's not

friendly giant.

Assume the worst is what I'm saying.

Assume it's the worst possible person
coming to get you. They're going to

assault you. Assume that. Okay, thank
you. If you'll excuse us, please, Mr.

Duncan. Just trying to help, because all
you're doing is teaching them these

stupid little moves.

Hold on and dance around with me.

Okay.

Grab my arm, Mr. Duncan. Oh, boy. Let's
do this.

What are we going to be doing?

Ice, ice, ice!

Get me off.

What? Try and get me off, Mr. Duncan.

You should stop saying that.

Mr. Duncan cannot get me off.

Do me now.

What?

Do me now.

You need to listen to yourself right
now.

Okay. Mr. Duncan's too scared to do me.
Oh, boy. There are no rules in self

-defense, girl.

Goodbye, Mr. Duncan. Yeah.

Goodbye.

Seriously?

Hey, what's happening?

What's happening? Playing? I've been
eating a lot of sugar and trying to stay

off protein.

Yeah, you want to stick with the healthy
part, just the brain.

Yeah. Yeah, that's the way to go.

Actually, maybe I will have some.

Okay. It's a little dry.

I'm just going to use it right now.

Eat it up.

Okay. Here, just give it to me while...
Yeah, yeah.

I'm just going to use it. You don't have
to put... You don't have to put the lid

on. Cool.

All right.

Try to stick to my gun.

Try to stay on the diet.

Yep.

Looks delicious.

We'll get that. That's good.

Oh, wait.

Mm -hmm.

Anything to drink?

Mm -mm.

That's somewhere to go, huh?

Mm -mm.

Oh, maybe I'll...

No, you

know what? Yeah, better that way. Oh.

Through the D!

What the hell is that?

Mr. Leung's big package here. That's not
what I heard.

I did not get it.

Not often enough, eh, Malik? Not often
enough.

Please. What would you like me to do
with your box?

Tell you what I want you to do. Oh,
never mind. Just put it over there.

Hey there, Lynch buddies.

Oh, no.

Oh, no what?

What is that?

What? Tuna. Oh, God.

Put it away. Cover it.

What? You don't bring tuna to a public
eating area?

At work? Are you kidding me? Oh, my
gosh.

Go eat that in the conference room.
Please. That's the smelly food eating

now. Jerry. Lisa, that is so
insensitive.

I can't eat mine.

Simon? No, he agrees. Oh, please? Just
eat it in the conference room? My God.

It's probably bad by the smell of it.

Wow. When you're done, you can come join
us if you wash it out.

I've done that.

Shut the door.

Still smell it.

Thank you.

It's better, isn't it?

Thank you. Yeah.

You would have just sat there, wouldn't
you? I don't know what to say in that

situation. That was really good.

What am I supposed to do?

Are we supposed to just sit there and be
polite? I would.

No. That's crazy.

I'm just throwing my lunch out.

You tell people. If it smells, go eat it
somewhere else.

Can you move in more? We still smell it.

Just slide your chair a bit further
away.

Go further than that, please.

Put a towel. We still smell it. Probably
put a towel down on the crack of the

door there.

Trudy, what's this?

Package for Leon.

So big.

Could be anything. What's inside?

I don't care. You don't think he'd have
anything illegal shipped to the school,

do you?

Might.

How can you not be interested, Trudy?

I've always been curious. Even as a
little boy, I'd shake my Christmas

to try to figure out what was inside
until the year my grandpa died.

Wow. Lucky him.

Listen, whatever's in that box has
nothing to do with me. End of story.

You're a stronger woman than I, Trudy.

Yeah, my mother's a stronger woman than
you.

And that is when the U .S. defeated the
British.

Yeah, kind of like how Miss Galka
defeated you.

Miss Galka did not defeat me, Jimmy. I
heard she pinned you in under three

seconds. Is that what you heard?

And you think this bothers me?

It doesn't bother me, people.

Don't worry, sir. Miss Galka's pretty
strong. You shouldn't feel embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassed.

Let me explain something to all of you.
Men do not hit women.

And if you don't know that by now, you
should.

This is a society where we do not do
that. That is so outdated.

There are some women in MMA that would
kill you in a fight. Yeah?

Because I'd have to let them. And first
of all, why am I in an MMA ring with a

woman who I can't hit? Not going to
happen. Can't win.

Because I'd have to let them.

And secondly, Miss Galka...

Didn't even give me a warning. She
caught me off guard. A little unfair,

Got you off guard, didn't it?

Get back to work.

Look who it is.

Surprise attack anyone lately?

Surprise? You underestimated me. I am?
Yeah.

How's the self -defense? Are you
learning how to defend yourself from an

Doesn't look like it. Are you going to
let somebody get this close?

That's good enough, Jerry. Is that what
you're going to do? Because when they're

this close, they can probably just grab
you. Jerry. Oh!

My gosh.

Why?

Sir, I'm so sorry. Totally
inappropriate.

It worked.

I can't believe that worked.

Oh! Oh, Jerry!

Oh! Who's laughing now? Oh, my gosh.
What are you thinking? What are you

thinking? You scared me.

Get the car.

Miss Galka.

Are you okay?

It's a glass.

Okay,

let me get this straight.

Mr. Duncan, you swiped Miss Galka's feet
out from underneath her in the hallway.

Yeah? Because Miss Garland here tried to
kill me.

I was showing our move how to fend off
violent attackers, sir. And how did the

move work out for you? May I remind you
that we're trying to run a school here.

Yeah, I understand that, sir, but we
can't have students running around

assaulting teachers in broad daylight.

Okay, that's it. Enough, Mr. Duncan.

Miss Galka, how is your elbow?

It hurts. Fuck it up. Do you know what
bone you landed on? Who cares, Mr.

Duncan? The olecranon process.

Another reason I should be in phys ed.

Well, keep icing it. And compression,
rest, elevation.

And keep up the good work.

Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Yeah,
keep up the good work teaching students

assault teachers. That's nice.

What were you thinking?

So you missed when she took me down in
front of the kids.

Okay, that's it. Enough. Goodbye. And
what are we going to do about Maya?

Nothing. Okay.

That's a great message we're sending.

Why don't we just have a poke your
teacher in the neck week for the kids?

Is this where education's going, sir?

You know, I still have trouble talking.

I can hardly breathe sometimes.

But that doesn't interest you, does it?
No.

See what comes and goes?

And then it just goes. How am I supposed
to teach?

But you don't care.

It's still here?

Yep. When's Leon coming to get it? When
he gets back from his conference.

But I have to put a file in the... Well,
I guess you're going to have to move it

then, aren't you, Rob? Fine.

I'll do it myself.

Heavy, is it?

What's in here, a new library?

Listen, I'd help you, but I'm way over
here, so...

There.

Excuse me.

Please put that back where you found it.

We raised by wool.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, guys.

Whoa.

Wow.

That. That is horrible.

That smells so bad, doesn't it? Where
did you dig that up, right, Simon? It's

like the worst smelling thing I've ever
smelled.

It is rancid. Is that bad meat?

Right, Simon?

Back me up here.

We've got this whole new rule about
smelly food. You have to eat it in the

conference room alone, like I did.

Right? Well, that's the most racist
thing I've heard today.

So? What? How is that racist?

I'm going to need you to go to the room.

I'm not even eating anything.

Your racist attitude stinks.

I can smell it from here.

What?

Was that racist?

Oh, my God, I'm a racist.

Oh, my God.

I am so sorry about that, Malik.

That's your fault.

It actually smells good to me. It's
good. What is this, a little curried

It's chicken.

I don't know why I said goat.

I'm sorry.

You know, I'm going to go to the room.
I'm just going to show myself to the

room. See you tomorrow.

Okay.

Are you a racist, too? Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe how quickly that
happened.

So what's on your to -do list for this
evening?

Not much.

I have this book that I really like.
What book?

Grandpa!

Hello, Trudy.

Hi, Wayne.

Who does that?

Congratulations, you passed the test.

Great. What that?

The real package will show up tomorrow.

Good news. I trust you now.

How long have you been in there?

As long as it took.

Come on, let's get you some fresh air.

Jerk in the box.

Shall we?

So just to be clear, that was your...

Dead grandfather in the box, was it?

See you, sir.

See you later.

Jerry, congratulations.

Good game.

Oh, thanks, Bobby.

Nice game, Mr. Duncan.

Hello. I'm Sharon Turner. I'm the new
principal of St. Pat's. Oh, yeah, I

they got a new principal.

Well, nice to meet you.

So you teach for that here?

I have a degree in kinesiology, so... So
no, he doesn't. So no, he doesn't.

Such a shame Callahan doesn't use his
teachers to their full potential.

Although it sounds like something he'd
do.

If there's ever an opening for phys ed
at St. Pat's, I'll know where to find

you.

Congratulations. Thank you.

She got headhunted.

You know that's Callahan's ex
-girlfriend, right?

Really? Yeah.

I would not go there.

Not that you'd have a chance, because,
you know, you saw it.

Okay.

I'll see you on Monday.