Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider. She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Jonah barked with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to answer that she showed up.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude.

That uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. Maude,

Maude.

When are you leaving, Maude?

Oh, just as soon as Vivian gets here. Boy, what bargains.

Maude, when you're in New York shopping today, would you pick something up for

me? Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I won't have time to fight my way to the men's

department.

No, no, I'm sorry, honey, but when Vivian and I go to these sales at

Bloomingdale's, well, we're lucky if we manage to pick up what we want for

ourselves. Yeah, I remember last year we were fighting that mob and ladies'

handbags. There was such a crush that Vivian fainted.

Thank God everybody rushed to help her so I had a clear shot at a gorgeous...

Your best friend faints and all you care about is buying a purse?

I know, it was all right. A half hour later, I fainted for her and ladies.

Look, Walter, I just want you to buy me a jogging suit.

A jog?

Walter, you don't jog.

I know, but a lot of guys are wearing them. It makes you look athletic.

If you want to look athletic, why don't you just wear bicycle clips on your

pants?

Hi, Viv.

Hi, Maude. Oh, hi, Viv.

Hi.

I'll be ready to go in just a few minutes.

Oh, Maude, would you happen to have any... Oh, coffee.

Sure, there's some out on the stove. Help yourself.

Oh, thank you, Maude.

Thank you, Walter.

Thank you, God.

Boy, Vivian looks really... happy.

If you were married to Arthur and he was out of town, you'd look happy, too.

Hello? Oh, hello, Mrs. Templeton. How are you?

That's great. Yeah, yeah. Now, I have gotten a number of calls on the house,

nothing I'd insult you with.

Yeah, but I'm sure there'll be a lot more calls this afternoon. I don't want

to worry. No.

And I'll be sitting right here with my hand on the phone. Yeah.

Bye -bye.

Walter, sit right here with your hand on it.

Oh, come on. Now, Walter, all you have to do is when they call about the house,

simply tell them that we're asking $48 ,000.

For the Templeton house on Broadhurst Street?

That's right.

You want me to say you're asking $48 ,000?

American?

Walter, the Templeton house happens to be in a very expensive neighborhood.

The place next door costs $250 ,000.

It's the Ramada Inn.

Oh, you should see these sales. today at Bloomingdale's. I mean, it's like

having a license to steal.

Vivian, have you heard from Arthur?

He got back from Hartford last night.

Is he home now?

He's getting ready to leave for the hospital.

I'll see if I can catch him. Now, look, Walter, don't stay too long.

Vivian, please don't get too comfortable. We don't want to miss that

New York.

What do you know about Hartford?

Hartford?

They have a deer up there that sells life insurance.

What is there to know about Hartford?

When Arthur got home last night, he was a different man.

Different in what way?

Oh, it was as if he saw me with new eyes.

He was so appreciative and, oh, Marty was so romantic.

He brought home a bottle of French champagne.

That's just not like Arthur.

No, it isn't.

He probably won it in a raffle somewhere.

That's what I thought.

But he also brought me a beautiful bouquet of roses.

Vivian, champagne, roses?

And he built a fire and put on his Montevani records and took me in his

kissed me.

And his body even nibbled on my ear.

I've never done that before.

And then we stayed up all night waiting for the sunrise.

And then... Never mind.

You can tell me the rest of the story on the train to Hartford.

Apparently, there is a lot more going on up there than just a deer selling life

insurance.

Oh, Lord, I guess I missed Arthur. He didn't answer the door, but I bumped

Stu Dempsey, who was walking by in his jogging suit. Boy, he looked like such a

jock! Please, Maude, buy me one.

Mud, not a word about you -know -what to you -know -who.

I know I'm you -know -who, but what's you -know -what?

Walter, it's just girl talk.

Oh, no, it's not just girl talk. I mean, there is a man involved, too.

Oh? Who's that?

Look, Walter, this is just between Vivian and me. It really doesn't concern

at all.

Well, it certainly does. Arthur's his best friend.

Walter, Arthur came home. Maude, you promised.

Tell me later.

Stu wants me to play golf today, so I thought Mrs. Naugatuck could handle the

Templeton calls.

Walter, you promised me that you would take the calls on the house for me

What's wrong with Mrs. Naugatuck? She could use a good laugh.

Okay. All right, I'll go tell Stu I can't come out and play.

Maude, I've been thinking, isn't Hartford where they have all those

No, I think you're thinking of Steubenville, Ohio.

Well, Arthur, why were you ringing the bell?

Well, it's not polite to just barge in on a neighbor.

How considerate.

Arthur, I thought you left for the hospital.

Not yet, baby.

Walter was just over at our house looking for you.

Well, I don't always answer the door.

I'm kind of a laid -back guy, you know.

Besides, I couldn't go without another taste of those luscious lips.

Oh, aren't you adorable?

Well, passion knows no bounds when you're with the goddess of love.

I'll get it.

Hello? Oh, hello, Mrs. Templeton.

Yes, yes, I have gotten quite a few calls, but they were all bargains.

Yes, I'm, uh... I'm a standing pad at 48 ,000.

What's that you say you have good news?

Who? Who bought the price next year?

Yes, I mean... I mean a ramada in on one side and now a jack -in -the -box on

the other.

I'll, uh... I'll, uh... I'll, uh... keep you informed.

Um... This might interest you.

Bloomingdale's is running a special on chapstick.

Oh, sorry, Maude.

I guess I got carried away.

This little dog drives me nuts.

By the way, babe, where's the checkbook?

Oh, where you always keep it, Arthur. In the broom closet.

Inside the old vacuum cleaner bag.

Of course.

What do you want the checkbook for?

That's for me to know and you to find out.

He really is different.

I could understand a change in a man if he'd been to Paris or London, Sodom and

Gomorrah, Pittsburgh, but Hartford... And he was so sad when he left on that

trip. Didn't say what was wrong, just that he had a family problem.

Well, it looks to me like he solved it.

I think he did.

You know, Maude, last night was so unusual.

Have you ever run barefoot through Cheez Whiz?

Well, so much for the trip to Bloomingdale's. What?

Well, you'll have every mouse in New York snapping at your heels.

Arthur, you're back?

Yes, Cupcake? But shouldn't you be getting to the hospital?

Well, I was going to, but to tell you the truth, Viv, I... I just didn't feel

like it.

I know that trip took a lot out of me.

Maybe it was a mistake taking the bus home just to save three bucks.

Ah, now that sounds like my old friend, Arthur.

Cheap.

You seem so different all of a sudden.

Do I?

Yes, of course I do. Look, I just... Better get this off my chest, Vivian.

I didn't tell you why I went away to Hartford, because... Well, I was

Ashamed? Ashamed of what?

I'm afraid there's a skeleton in my family closet.

It's my brother Arnold.

Your brother?

You never told me you had a brother.

I know. I've kept it hidden all these years, Vivian.

You see, Arnold is... Well, he's not wrapped too tight.

He's been in and out of institutions most of his adult life.

Oh, well, Arthur, I would have understood.

Thank you, Viv.

Anyway, Arnold's been up in this place at Hartford, and they were having some

trouble with him, and they asked me to come up there.

It's funny, you know, I was always the successful one.

He tried to compete, but he just couldn't take the pressure.

Anyway,

Vivian, as soon as I got to Hartford, they told me he'd escaped.

He'd escaped?

That's right, and the authorities thought he might be heading this way and

to impersonate me.

I'd better go to the bank and alert them.

Wait a minute, Arthur.

You mean the two of you look that much alike?

Like Tweedledee and Tweedledum. We're identical twins.

That's why I took the first bus back from Hartford this morning.

I hate to say this, but... I think you were tweedling with Tweedledum.

Vivian, please.

Vivian, please sit up and look at me. I can't. I'm too ashamed.

Vivian, it's not your fault. They're identical twins.

Oh, come on now, Vivian.

Vivian, how were you to know that that romantic man who gave you champagne and

roses, who admired you, who adored you, who showered you with affection, honey,

how were you to know that he was Arthur's crazy brother?

I wonder why they think he's crazy.

Oh, come on now, Vivian, please. It is not the end of the world.

Vivian. Vivian, please, dear.

Vivian, for Maude, please, sit up. Sit up, Vivian.

That's my girl.

That's my girl.

Now, look, Vivian, you have to pull yourself together.

I'll get you a cleaner.

Thank you, Maude.

Oh, come on, Vivian. You're my friend and I love you. I mean, any woman could

have made this mistake.

I can certainly empathize with your pain.

Dear, dear Vivian.

dear Vivian.

Oh, Maude. I just feel so guilty.

I feel just like a piece of dirt.

Oh, why didn't I know it wasn't Arthur?

Vivian, how could you have known that Arthur had an identical twin brother?

Well, I should have suspected something from the minute we were married. In his

family album, all of Arthur's baby pictures are cut in half.

How am I ever going to tell Arthur what happened?

Look, Viv, it's not going to be easy.

I mean, this calls for a woman to summon up the courage to sit her husband down,

look him straight in the eye and say nothing.

I have to say something.

Well, why?

Come on, Viv. In a few days, you'll forget all about it. And then after a

you'll only think of it once in a while at night.

Well... Well, I need something to settle my nerves. Could you make me a drink?

Of course. Honey, what would you like? Scotch? Bourbon? Vodka?

Gatorade? Oh, yeah.

Walter keeps some in the refrigerator. It makes him feel like a job.

Vivian, do you want some ice? No, no, I'll just drink it straight.

Hey, thought you two would be gone by now.

Bud, don't tell you -know -who about you -know -what.

Every time I walk into the house, I become you -know -who.

Walter, Walter, why don't you go and play golf with Stu Dempsey?

You said I had to stay home and answer the phone while you were in New York.

Walter, I'm certainly not going to go to New York when someone I love is faced

with a big decision.

I made my decision. I'm not playing golf.

Not you, Walter. Vivian.

I'm getting out of here before the two of you drive me to an insane asylum.

He knows. He knows. He knows.

Vivian, he does not know. Now, listen, you have to put yourself together. Oh,

well, I'm all right. I'm all right. I've decided to tell Arthur the truth.

Well, that's your decision.

Vivian, she's in my kitchen. Oh, Arthur's back from the bank. He's coming

here. I better leave so you can... No, no, you tell him. I want you to tell

Well, I wouldn't know what to say.

Oh, just tell him that I'm blameless because I thought it was him. Vivian,

am I ever going to get him to believe that?

You got me to believe it?

Hello,

Arthur. Where's Vivian?

Oh, she had to run out for a minute.

Listen, Arthur, Vivian has something she wants me to tell you.

Oh? Bad news?

Not for everyone.

Sit down, Arthur.

What is it, Maude?

Um, look, Arthur, you and I have been friends for a long time.

Yeah. Very good friends.

I mean, sure, we've had our fights, but nothing serious.

No. We always kiss and make up.

So I feel that I can speak frankly to you. If there's anybody that can speak

frankly to me, it's you, Maude.

I'm going to be blunt, Arthur.

Vivian spent a very romantic night with your twin brother.

Now, look, Arthur, before you condemn Vivian, I want you to realize this would

never have happened if you hadn't been so damn cheap that you took a bus back

save a few dollars.

I'm not condemning Vivian, Maude.

You're not?

No.

Don't worry, Maude.

I love Vivian.

And I love you for having the courage to tell me.

Arthur, I never dreamed you'd take it this way.

You are quite a man.

And you're quite a woman.

Oh, Arthur, Vivian is going to be so relieved. I mean, she was so full of

and guilt.

Vivian is so naive and innocent about the ways of the world.

She's not mature like you and me, Maude.

Arthur, that's so understating.

I guess it takes a crisis like this to bring two friends closer together.

We've always been close, haven't we, Maude?

Never this close.

Oh, now isn't that clumsy of me?

And your good sugar bowl, too. I'm sorry. Look, I'd like to pay for that.

Will $50 be enough to cover it?

You want to pay for something?

You're not a...

Walter, Arthur's crazy twin brother was here.

Arnold?

You know about Arnold?

Of course.

Arthur told me when we were in the army. I found out about Arnold the first

night we bunked together.

Vivian found out about Arnold almost the same way.

Walter, please, catch him. Catch him. Where did he go? Through the living

Look, Walter, search the neighborhood. I'll call the bank and see if Arthur is

still there.

Walter, run! Don't jog!

Vivian, what were you doing in the den?

Oh, just confessing to Arthur.

Arthur? Yes, and oh, he was so forgiving.

And forgiving, and forgiving, and forgiving.

Vivian.

Vivian. I don't know how to tell you this, but you have been in the pod with

wrong pea again.

I was just getting out of the car. You can't fool me, Arnold.

Oh, there you are, animal.

Cupcake, you hit me.

Cupcake? I demand an explanation.

Just a second, Arthur.

Arthur?

Arthur? Arthur!

Oh, my God.

Oh, you did come here.

Well, you have to go back. You know that, don't you?

Now, we all love you, but it's for your own good.

I'll take you up to Hartford myself.

I'll drive you. Oh, thanks, Walter.

Oh, by the way, these are my good friends, Maude and Walter Finley.

Oh, Arnold, you haven't met my wife, Vivian.

Hello, Vivian.

Be polite, Arnold. Shake her hand.

It was nice meeting you, Vivian.

My pleasure.

I mean, it

was nice meeting you, too.

Ah, poor Arnold.

Oh, I mean, it's so sad to be in an institution cut off from all

news and information.

What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

You're right.

You're right. It's better for Arnold.

I'm not talking about Arnold. I'm talking about Arthur.

You know something, Viv?

You've made a very wise decision.

And after all, what harm was done?

Hello. Oh, hello, Mrs. Templeton.

You sold the house? That is wonderful.

Now, how much did you get for it?

A check for the entire 48 ,000?

Oh, tell me, who was crazy enough to spend that kind of money?

A Dr.

Arthur Harmon.