Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider. She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's mud.

And then there's mud.

And then there's mud.

And then there's mud. And then there's mud.

And then there's mud.

That'll compromise and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. Right on,

Then add one half cup melted butter and the yolks of two eggs. Stir well and

spread generously across the breasts and legs.

What do you think, Maude?

Oh, it sounds fabulous.

A little kinky, but fabulous.

Here's another one. Goose. Vivian, Vivian, if it's all right with you.

I really don't want to hear any more recipes from the joy of chicken.

What's the matter with you today, Ma?

Vivian, I'm worried about Walter.

Why? I think he and Arthur have had a falling out.

Oh, I don't think so. Aren't they playing golf together?

No. Walter is playing with UB Binder.

The foot doctor?

The one who does Elizabeth Taylor's toes?

She owes him a lot. He stayed with her through ten toes and six husbands.

Well... If Walter's playing with Hubie Binder, then Arthur must be playing with

somebody else.

That's exactly my point, Vivian. It has been two weeks now since Arthur and

Walter have done any of their dumb buddy stuff together.

They haven't gone bowling. They haven't been fishing. They haven't even watched

Charlie's Angels together.

You know how they both rave about Farrah Fawcett Major's acting ability?

Oh, I love her.

QB. Hi, Mrs. Finley. Oh, hello, Mrs. Harmon. Dr. Binder.

Tell me, how was the game? Oh, great. Thanks to Walter's tips, I shot my

score ever. Yeah, 168.

First time I shattered the 200 mark.

You also got a birdie. A birdie?

Oh.

Well, that's good, isn't it?

He was looking for a lost ball in the woods and he stepped on a sparrow.

I think it's going to be all right. I'm taking it to the vet.

I have it outside in my glove compartment.

Well, I'd better go on home, Molly.

Hey, the joy of chicken. Is that any good?

It's pretty good. It doesn't have everything you'd want.

Yeah, there aren't any sparrow recipes.

Bye, Molly.

I'll see you later, Ben. Say, Walter, I'm awful sorry about that sparrow.

and about the Ovaltine you spilled on me in the clubhouse. Well, that was an

accident. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Why are you so upset? It's only a game.

Listen, have you guys eaten? I'm going to fix some lunch.

Oh, great. I'm starving.

Then go eat out.

Walter. Stop being so rude. I'm not being rude. It's more important for you

get to the vet to save the sparrow. Right. So get out.

Thanks.

Walter, there is absolutely no excuse for being rude to Hubie just because you

had a fight with Arthur.

How could I have a fight with Arthur? I haven't even seen him in two weeks.

He's too busy running around with Wendell Glendale.

Wendell Glendale? That pompous bore!

Arthur's been out with him every night this week.

I'll bet he's playing golf with him right now.

All Arthur can think of lately is Wendell, Wendell, Wendell.

What the hell is he seeing, that guy?

Oh, come on now, honey. Don't you think you're overreacting? Why shouldn't I

overreact? Arthur and I have been best friends for 33 years. All of a sudden,

it's over.

How could he duck me for a guy like that?

Well, honey, be thankful for one thing.

What? At least there aren't any children involved.

That's probably Hubie. I'll bet he's lost a sparrow.

Hi, Marty. Hello, Walter. You're my good friend Wendell Glendale, don't you? Of

course. Hello, Walter.

Look who's here. Arthur Harmon and his good friend Wendell Glendale. Hello,

Walter. Hello, Wendell. Hello, Walt.

How's the suds business?

What? What?

That's what I call appliances art.

Suds business. You know.

Washers, dryers, suds.

Isn't this some kind of a guy, huh?

You see, Walt, when I ask, how's the suds business, you should say, bubbling

along.

It's bubbling along.

No, not now. The next time I ask.

Walter, I'll go write that down for you. It's okay, Maude. I got it. Sit down,

Wendell. Sit down. Hey, Walter.

We just stopped by to return your favorite putter. Thanks.

Wendell says he thinks it isn't right for me.

Boy, I don't think I've seen you since I borrowed that thing, Walter. It must be

two weeks.

Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.

I've been very busy.

For instance, I was out today with Yubi Binder.

How is he? He'll be a golfer?

Some people say he's a golfer. Some people say he's a hunter.

What did you guys play today? I didn't see you at the club.

Oh, no, no. We played at Wendell's club. It is fabulous. I thought Arthur would

prefer it.

You meet a better class of people than at your club. That's right.

You see, it's restricted.

Restricted? Oh, don't get me wrong.

No, we accept all races, colors, and creeds.

When I say restricted, I mean we only try to keep out the riffraff.

Tell me, how many black members do you have?

Oh, none.

So far, all that have asked to join have been riffraffs. Good luck in the draw.

Oh, that is the point, Art.

If you gentlemen will excuse me, I have work in the kitchen. Oh, wait a minute,

Marty. We want you and Walter to see these pictures at Wendell's Club.

Get a load of this.

That is the first tee.

Wendell, I am sorry I misjudged you.

Why, this isn't a restricted club after all.

What do you mean?

You see, there are three riffraffs there mowing the fairway.

Come on, you're pulling my leg.

Well, here we go, Walt.

Now, there's our tennis court. Huh? Huh? And, uh... That's the snack bar, right?

Oh, and this is kind of special.

The Calvin Coolidge Memorial Jacuzzi.

Very impressive.

Oh, no, no, you keep it. That one's for you, boy.

And, Walter, you should see Wendell's boat.

It's a North Sea trawler. It is enormous. Wendell, you have your own

-going fishing boat?

Well, it belongs to me in the bank.

Of course, I own the bank.

Yeah, Wendell's taking me out fishing this Saturday. Oh, wow, that sounds

Say, Walt, you sound like you've never even seen a North Sea trawler.

I haven't. Well, that's not right.

Say, Art, don't you think it's about time Walt here saw a North Sea trawler?

most certainly do.

Listen, Walt, I'm picking Art up at about... 10 o 'clock, next Saturday

Next Saturday morning?

I'm free Saturday.

Well, why don't the two of us drop on over here around 10 .05?

Great. Terrific. Good.

Let's make it happen, huh?

Come on, Artie, let's go. Okay. See you, Wally. See you, Wally. Goodbye, Artie.

Goodbye, Wendy.

That's Wendell.

Oh, thank heaven you got rid of him. Boy, I think Wendell and I are going to

friends. He's taking me out on his boat.

Walter, how can you possibly be friends with a man who's insensitive,

prejudiced, pompous, and boring?

You've got to take the good with the bad.

Okay, Arthur, I'll tell him.

Honey, Arthur just called. He and Wendell are on their way over.

What?

Get a load of this.

What do you think, Maud?

I think you look like a big banana.

Don't laugh, Maud. Out there on the high seas, it's important to have the right

equipment.

Now I understand.

You tricked the fish into thinking you're a school crossing guard.

After all, Mort, fish do travel in schools.

Hey, do you think Wendell will like that joke?

I'm sure he'll adore it.

That's your problem. Listen, honey, I made you a little snack. I do think you

should eat something before you leave. Ship, ahoy!

Bye, guys!

How's the suds business?

Bubbling along.

Bubbling along.

Well, Walter, are you ready for that look at a North Sea trawler? I can

wait. Good, because here it is.

Isn't that a beauty mod?

I don't understand. What is this?

It's my boat, Walt.

I promised you I'd show it to you this morning, and I'm a man of my word. I

got these photos back last night, and that copy is just for you.

You can keep it.

Suitable for framing.

Isn't he some kind of guy?

Generous to a fault.

Hey, Walt, what's with the outfit?

Did you hear a weather report we ought to know about?

No, no, uh... No, of course not.

He was getting ready to go to a Save the Porpoise rally.

Well, I'm all for saving porpoises.

Up to a point.

Well, we better get going, Art. Those fish aren't going to wait for us.

I'll bring you back some fish.

And hey, we'll have lunch sometime, right?

Honey, I'm sorry.

I don't guess you'll be interested in the snack I made you.

Tuna salad.

Well, there's no sense in wasting this outfit.

I think I'll go upstairs and take a shower.

Oh, honey, what a crushing blow.

I mean, your best friend for 33 years doing this to you.

Oh, honey, I want you to know that I share your pain.

I want you to just feel free to let all the hurt out because I'm right here

beside you.

And Walter, I think... Walter?

Walter? Yeah, Walter!

Walter, what are you doing there?

I was going to watch Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.

Mr. Rogers?

You mean that show on public TV with a man in a sweater who puts on his tennis

shoes and sings It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood?

Look at us, a children's show.

I know.

Oh, honey, I understand.

Mr. Rogers is a very gentle, comforting person. He looks you straight in the eye

and says, I like you just the way you are.

You need something like that right now. That's not why I want to watch it. He's

got this young chick on his show, Lady Abilene.

Walter, it's indecent to watch Mr.

Rogers' Neighborhood just to look at girls.

What? She happens to be a very fine actress.

I'll bet she's not as good as Farrah Fawcett Majors.

More, this is a kiddie's program.

They don't let her show as much... Uh... As much... As much

what? Emotion.

Or hair.

Walter, honey, don't you realize what you're doing?

Walter, you're repressing your hurt feelings. Now, that isn't good for you.

doesn't bother me, Maude, not a bit.

Now, look, I know how to roll with the punches, Maude. I'm an adult. I'm not a

little kid. Now, leave me alone. I want to watch Mr. Rogers.

Mr. Rogers' neighborhood, usually seen at this time, will not be seen today

because of the following public television special presentation.

The international oil companies are friendly giants.

What do you mean Mr. Rogers isn't on? It's got to be on.

Please, please, maybe you can watch somebody else like Captain Kangaroo.

Captain Kangaroo is a jerk.

You've got to pull yourself together. You're just falling apart.

Now listen, I want you to stand up like a man and face the facts.

Mr. Rogers is not on today.

Darling, you're taking this all too seriously.

Ah, Mr. Rogers doesn't care. Nobody cares.

I care.

But Arthur doesn't care.

Oh, my God.

Walter, what is it? Do you know what I just realized?

Arthur is the only friend I've got.

I mean, I've got acquaintances.

I mean, guys to have a laugh with.

But friendship?

I'm losing the only friend I got in the whole world.

Walter, you've got me.

You don't count.

Wife is different.

I mean, you're a friend, but you're not a friend. I mean, somebody will punch

you in the stomach just out of love for you. You've never done that, Mort. I

could practice, Walter.

You know, Arthur was the only close friend I ever had.

I mean, ever since I was a pudgy little kid in the Army, you know, away from

home for the first time.

He was always there when you needed him. Oh, I'll say.

You know, when I first went into the Army, I never got any letters from home.

And after a while, I started getting a couple of letters a week from Mom and

Dad. And Arthur was responsible for that.

Oh, you mean he wrote and told your folks to write, too? Well, that's what I

thought. But after a while, I found out that he wrote those letters himself.

And he signed Mom and Dad.

Sweet.

But how did you find out?

Well, eventually I put two and two together.

How? He wrote them on Army stationery.

That's love, Maud. And I love Arthur. And he used to love me. Oh, come on.

honey, he still loves you.

And that's why you're just going to wait this out, Walter, because you love

Arthur, too. You're going to be patient and understanding and just wait until

Arthur comes to his senses. That might be good, but actually what I had in mind

was writing all over his windshield with a bar of soap.

Walter, Arthur is the only close friend you ever had. You just said so yourself.

He used to be the only close friend they ever had. Now I have a new close

friend. Who?

Hubie Binder.

Hubie Binder, the bird man of Tuckahoe?

Hubie is a great guy, Mort, and after a few golf lessons, he'll be a great

friend.

He's also a terrific doctor, better than Arthur.

Do you know that in 25 years of practicing medicine, he has only lost

patient on the operating table?

Walter, Hubie Binder is a foot doctor.

It's still impressive.

I'm going to call Hubie right now. Come on, Walter. Please don't call Hubie.

Listen, Walter, Walter. Tomorrow night, Viv and Arthur are coming over here to

play bridge.

Sweetheart, why don't you talk it all out with Arthur and resolve the whole

thing? What time are they coming over?

About eight.

Hello, Hubie, Walter.

Say, I was wondering whether you're free for bridge tomorrow night around eight

o 'clock.

That's all right. We can teach you.

Is that parked out in your driveway?

Oh, that's Hubie Binders.

There's a very unpleasant odor coming from his glove compartment.

I know.

Walter asked him over to play bridge with us.

Oh, is Hubie a bridge player?

Some people say he's a bridge player. Some people say he's a hunter.

Walter, I want to get this absolutely right.

You say that the partners sit opposite each other?

Walter, maybe tonight we should just let Hubie watch.

Don't worry about my pal Hubie Moore. He'll do just fine.

Hi, Viv. Hi, Walter.

Hello, Dr. Binder. Hi, Mrs. Harmon.

Where's Arthur?

Oh, he called and said he'd be a little late.

Oh, who needs him? I got my buddy Hubie. He's the best there is.

Hey, Walter, which one's on a spades and which one's on a club?

Try to work it out yourself, Hubie.

Hello, everybody.

Oh, hi. You made it after all. Now we can start the game.

By the way, Arthur, Hubie's my partner.

You can watch.

Walter, can I talk to you?

Sure, go ahead.

No. I mean alone.

Arthur, anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of my good pal,

Hubie. Ow.

Uh, Hubie.

Hubie, why don't you come into the kitchen with me, huh? And Vivian, you

You can help me with the tip.

Maude, that's no way to talk about Hubie.

Listen, Walter.

I need somebody to talk to.

Where were you tonight?

I was held up.

Don't hand me that. I know where you are. You were out with Wendell Glendale.

What if I was?

Wendell and I are just acquaintances. He doesn't mean a thing to me.

You'd expect me to believe that.

What about you and Hubie Binder?

You two have become very chummy lately, haven't you?

Sure, but that's your fault. You drove me to him.

supposed to do? Sit home and wait for the phone to ring?

All right, Walter.

Since you insist, I'll tell you everything.

I am Wendell's doctor.

He's a very sick man.

That's why I've been spending time with him.

He may only have a few months.

Oh, Arthur, is that true?

No.

You lied to me. You never used to lie to me. All right.

What was I supposed to tell you?

That Wendell has a radiology company that I only went out with him so I could

get an x -ray machine wholesale?

There, I've said it.

running around with Wendell Glendale just to get an x -ray machine wholesale?

Arthur, there's a word for men like you.

Don't do this to me, Walter.

I feel bad enough as it is.

I come to you for support.

What do I get?

I'll tell you what I get.

Criticism. That's what I get.

Arthur, what is it?

It's Wendell.

What happened?

Well, tonight seemed like a good time to ask him about the x -ray machine.

So, over cocktails, I asked him

where we stood.

He said, no, Walter.

No wholesale price. No discount price.

That guy was leading me on, Walter.

I feel so cheap.

I'm hurt, Arthur.

Do you want to know why I'm hurt?

I'll tell you why I'm hurt.

I'm hurt because you turned to a stranger instead of coming to me. That

hurts.

Coming to you?

I'm in the appliance business.

I got a lot of connections.

I could get you a discount on an x -ray machine.

You can?

Of course I can!

Oh, Walter.

I've been such a fool.

I'm sorry.

You know what friendship means, Arthur?

I'll tell you what friendship means.

Friendship means never having to say you're sorry.

That's what friendship means.

Hey.

You're quite a guy, Walter.

Hey.

Hey, stop them. They're fighting.

Now, don't worry about it, Hubie. That's the way friends behave.

Really? Walter's never punched me.

He's come very close.

Well, now that that's settled, let's play bridge.

Oh, I don't want to play bridge tonight. Come on.

I like policewoman.

Hubie.

Hubie, you mean you don't know anything at all about cards?

No, not really.

Oh, Hubie.

Hubie, don't worry.

We'll teach you. Come on, sit down.

We're going to play a little game called Spit in the Ocean. Ten cents.