Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

But before Aunt Lola comes down, I want to tell you one more story.

I asked her one day, I said, Lola, how come you were just a chorus girl?

I said, with your talent and looks, I really expected you to make it on

Broadway. Well, you know how she answered me?

She said, honey, making it on Broadway was how I got to be a chorus girl.

Oh, Maude,

your Aunt Lola sounds absolutely fabulous.

Well, you'll see for yourself. She should be down in a second.

Oh, she is really wonderful. So warm, open, funny.

She's also rude and offensive.

Lola's still sulting because she calls him Baldy.

But I really love Aunt Lola. You know, when I was a little girl, I had a secret

wish that she could be my mother.

Well, if she's rude and offensive, maybe she is your mother.

Arthur, did I deserve that?

Yes.

Arthur, have I ever said anything to you that was rude or offensive?

Yes.

What? You told me I stole this sport coat off a dead clown.

I apologize, Arthur. I didn't mean to imply that you stole the coat.

But, Maude, did you really want your Aunt Lola to be your mother? Oh, no, no.

Yes, really, yes. She was, she was fine. Fascinating. I mean, she was years

ahead of her time. The personification of what the whole women's lib thing is

all about.

She's always been her own woman. Always does what she wants, when she wants.

Yeah, because she's selfish.

Walter, why is it when a woman does what she wants, she's selfish? But when a

man does what he wants, he's forceful. Why?

Never mind, Baldy.

I had a lot of aunts, but... I don't remember ever wanting one of them to be

mother.

Actually, I always wanted my mother to be one of my aunts.

You know, the scary thing is, I understand her.

Lola.

Oh, I didn't tell me you had company.

I'd like you to meet our very dearest friends, the Harmons, Vivian and Arthur.

This is my Aunt Lola.

Vivian, it's a pleasure.

And Arthur. Oh, this is a real treat.

I've always loved circus people.

No, no, no, no. I'm not a clown. I'm a doctor.

Would you like to take that or shall I?

Lola, would you like some hot hors d 'oeuvres?

Oh, no, thank you, dear. They're too spicy.

I'd just like something cool to munch on, like a double martini on the rocks.

What did I tell you? You're right. She is fabulous, and she looks so young.

like your sister than your aunt.

Well, actually, Lola isn't that much older than I am. No, there's only two

between us.

Thanks, Baldy.

Lola. Two years.

Yes, the year I was born and the year you were born.

Lola, may I ask you a rather personal question?

Why, of course, Arthur.

Have you ever had a facelift?

Arthur!

It's just a professional question.

A facelift?

Absolutely not.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Lola, don't tell me that that isn't a facelift. I have never had a facelift or

even thought about having a facelift, and that is the honest truth.

Well, what do you do to keep looking so young?

I lie about my facelift.

Then you did get one.

One. I'll settle for that.

Speaking of faces, where is Mrs. Nogatuck?

I haven't seen the lumpy little limey since I got here.

She's up in Albany visiting a cousin.

Oh, good. She's such a bore.

I think she's fairly interesting for a foreigner.

She's a rude woman. The first time we met, I happened to be smoking a

Tipperillo, and she insisted on calling me sir.

Come on now, Lola, in all fairness, that was because you were flicking your

cigar into the urn containing her late husband's ashes.

Well, you'll have to admit, he looked better with the added weight.

What's on the schedule for tonight?

Oh, my gosh, the schedule for tonight? I forgot the game. I'll go and get it.

Oh, and I left the salad in the refrigerator.

I'll go with you, Arthur.

But we'll be right back.

Save my place.

What is that all about?

I think you're going to enjoy it. We're going to have a quiet dinner with the

Harmons. Then we're going to play that fun word game, per -quacky.

Per -quacky? Oh, terrific.

Then maybe after dinner we can put Walter under a strong light and watch

hair fall out.

What more do I have to play per -quacky?

Oh, Mrs. Finley.

Mrs. Finley, would you help me with my uniform?

Well, shiver my timbers, it's my lucky day. I didn't know the Navy was in town.

My, that's a fancy sword.

Oh, yes, ma 'am. This sword has quite a history. It belonged to Admiral

Farragut. In fact, he wore this sword on his wedding night.

His wedding night? That's when he said, down the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

Oh, now, you see, this happens to be the full -dress uniform of my lodge, the

Knights of St.

Mel.

Who's St.

Mel? The patron saint of cleaners and dyers.

Oh, that must be Richard.

I love a woman with a sense of humour.

Bert, I'd like you to meet my aunt, Lola Ashburn. And, Lola, this is Bert

Beasley, who married Mrs.

Naugatuck. I'm pleased to meet you, ma 'am. Do you mean that round little

snared a distinguished gentleman like this? Oh, come on. Now, Lola, I know you

and Mrs. Naugatuck have never gotten along, but she and Bert are very happy

together. Isn't that right, Bert? Well, tonight I'm not so happy. You see,

tonight is the annual ball of the Knights of St. Mill, and that little

person is still up in Albany. Oh.

Bert, she'd be here if she could.

I mean, she knows how much this ball means to you. Oh, she doesn't care about

the night to drink, Mel. She thinks we're just a bunch of drunks.

But tonight is the election ball.

And that's a big honor.

Is there any chance you might get elected?

No one's elected.

At the end of the ball, the honor goes to the man who passed out nearest the

throne.

That sounds like my kind of evening.

Lola, what a great idea. Look, you don't want to play percwacky. Why don't you

be Burt State at the ball tonight?

Oh, I couldn't do that.

Hold on, Maud.

She's right. Mrs. Norgatuck wouldn't like that at all. Oh, come on, Walter.

She wouldn't? No, she would be very upset.

I'll get my coat.

Wait a moment, Lola. Just a moment.

Now, don't tell me that you would go out and be Bert's date tonight just to

spite Mrs.

Naugatuck. Oh, no.

But you know I've always been attracted to older men, and Bert is qualified.

I'm 75.

He's overqualified.

Lord, can I see you in the kitchen? No, you'll yell at me.

No, I won't. There's something I want to discuss with you. Would you excuse us?

We'll be back in a moment.

Come on, you're playing with fire.

Do you know how Lola likes to go after older men?

And the way she feels about Mrs. Naugatuck, she might make a play for

to get back at her. Come on. Now, Lola likes a good time, but she's certainly

not a loose woman.

And everything Bert has is loose.

I mean, what could she possibly see in a 75 -year -old man?

What did she see in that retired sea captain she dated?

She liked the conversation.

With that old man?

No, with his parrot!

Lord, when Mrs.

Norituk comes home next Wednesday, I mean, she's going to be furious!

Are you going to do that to a woman who's been a loyal friend?

Now, Walter, you're just making a big deal out of nothing. Are you going to do

that to a woman who's been a devoted housekeeper? Walter, you're blowing this

all out of proportion.

Are you going to do that to a woman who sharpens all our knives? Lola, take off

your coat!

Lola? Bert!

Lola! We're too late. They're gone.

Now you've got it, Maude. She's going to be furious.

Oh, Walter.

Walter, that shows how little you know about women.

I mean, I know Mrs.

Naugatuck. I've had countless intimate chats with her, Roy. I know her. I know

how her mind works. And I assure you she is not going to be furious about this.

How can you be so sure? Because she's never going to hear about it.

It was a lovely evening, Maude. I'm just sorry your Aunt Lola wasn't here to

play for Quacky with us. I'm glad we played for money.

Boy, I really cleaned up.

Don't worry, Arthur.

I'm going to win all that money back tomorrow on the golf course.

Hey, that's right. We've got an 8 .30 starting time.

8 .30?

Arthur, shouldn't you make it a little bit later?

You know how you get when you win money.

That's true.

Walter,

better make that 8 .45.

Walter, 8 .40.

Come on, Walt, let's get to bed. It's after two. No, you go on, honey. I think

I'll watch a little TV for a while.

Channel 9 is running a wonderful late show this week. They're showing all the

old Lorne Green comedies.

I knew it.

You're worried because Bert and Lola aren't home yet, aren't you? Of course

worried, Walter. Where are they? Why haven't they called?

I mean, it's Saturday night. There's lots of drunk drivers out there, and

one of them.

Oh, please, dear God, let this be done.

Hello? Lola!

Lola, are you all right?

Oh, well, thank heaven you're safe. Are you still at the ball?

It's over.

Oh, well, where are you now?

Lola, what do you mean...

They're

safe. They...

They just had to go to Yonkers for something.

Yonkers? For what?

A motel room.

Hello, Paradise Motel.

Could you tell me, have a Mr.

Burt Beasley and a Miss Lola Ashbourne checked in there?

You couldn't care less.

Oh, it's 7 .30 in the morning. You haven't been to bed.

You've been up all night. How can I sleep? And we have to find those two.

Walter, what are we going to do?

Look, there's no reason to be so upset.

It's Sunday.

Mrs. Norgatuck won't be back till Wednesday. By that time, Bert will

home or dead.

Walter, for old times' sake, God will get you for that.

But it's your own fault. You're the one who sent Lola out with him. Oh, I know

it's my fault. I'm just too trusting, Walter.

I thought I was dealing with a beautiful, honorable person.

I just have to face the facts.

Bert is a dirty old man.

Bert? Of course. He obviously forced Lola to that motel.

How could Bert force Lola to do anything?

Walter, do you think she'd argue with a man carrying a sword?

Good morning, Marty.

Well, Walter, you ready to go out on the links for the sport of kings?

Well, Arthur, I thought the sport of kings is horse racing.

Well, there's not really very much difference.

See, they're fertilizing the fairways.

You see, Marty, I, too, am capable of humor.

Boy, have you seen the price of coffee?

Arthur, I don't really think I ought to go. Maud needs me. I'm having a

little... problem here, and I wouldn't feel right leaving her alone.

Come on, it's all right.

Okay, I'll just get my shoes.

Hey, Marty, that new pro at the club is really great.

He has really straightened out my drive.

That's wonderful, Arthur.

See, I've always been a slicer.

That's when the ball curves to the right.

See, Waller's just the opposite. He hits him to the left.

He's a hooker.

You call my aunt a hooker.

No offense, Marty. I didn't even know she played golf.

All set.

Ward, are you sure you don't want me to stay? Don't worry. As a matter of fact,

I think I'll drive over to Yonkers and check out the motel.

Motel?

What if we can skip the golf?

I wouldn't want to interfere with another man's whoopee.

Come on, Arthur.

He's right. Golf is more important.

Oh, hello, Marty. Oh, Lola, thank heaven you're here. Thanks, heaven. Now, look,

I don't want you to feel that you have to complain anything.

I mean, what happened, happened.

I just want you to know that I know that you had nothing to do with what

happened. Well, I'll tell you what happened.

I got Bert drunk, loaded him into a car, and drove him to a motel.

In other words, you're saying that part of it might have been your fault.

No, I'm saying all of it was my fault.

Lola, I'm shocked.

I am absolutely shocked.

I mean, I know you've always preferred older men, and you've had more than your

share of flings, and you don't believe in the standard morality, and you get a

little wild after you've had a few drinks, so why the hell am I shocked?

I'm glad you got that out of your system.

Now, the important thing is, to protect Bert, Mrs.

Naugatuck mustn't find out about this. When's she coming back?

You're absolutely right. She's arriving on Wednesday.

Oh, good. Then I'm going to take him to Cape Cod for a couple of days.

Lola, you're under arrest.

Lord, relax.

Naugatuck will never know.

Unless the tiny... smile on Bert's face tipped her off.

Or the portable oxygen tank next to his bed.

Lola, have you no sense of morality?

I mean, have you no respect for the sacred institution of marriage?

I've got a lot of respect for it, and that's why I didn't get married.

Which is more than you can say.

Poor husband.

You're the one who ought to be arrested for loitering in church.

Well, at least I always had a sense of fair play. I mean, I never went around

hurting innocent, decent human beings. Just my husband.

Well, who are you to preach to me? Now, listen to me, Lola. I forbid this. I

absolutely forbid it.

Yoo -hoo!

I'm happy! Oh, my God, it's Mrs. Norwood. Now, quick, hide under the bed.

am I saying?

Oh, my.

It's good to be back.

Oh.

You, Lola, what brings you to town? An American Legion convention?

Oh, Mrs.

Naugatuck, what a lovely outfit.

You looked exactly like a tomato surprise.

Mrs. Naugatuck, we weren't expecting you until Wednesday. Oh, I know, but I felt

so guilty about leaving Bert alone.

Yes, sir.

I haven't seen you for quite a while.

Since last we met, I got myself a husband. We've covered that.

Look, Mrs. Naugatuck, why don't you go in and freshen up a bit?

Oh, but Bert's not upstairs. I thought he might be down here with you.

No, he is. He isn't. He isn't. Where on earth can he be?

Mrs. Naugatuck, sit down. I think we should get all of this out into the

Maud, wait just a minute.

Now that Mrs.

Naugatuck is back...

The weather at Cape Cod is terrible this time of year.

But we still have that package and Yonkers to explain.

Yonkers? Cape Cod? What are you two talking about?

Mrs. Naugatuck, last night Bert felt badly about going to the Knights of St.

Melbaugh without a date, so... Bert had a date?

He took another woman out?

Who was she?

Me.

Oh, what a relief.

Now, what is that supposed to mean?

Well, let's face it, Lola.

You're hardly competition.

Are you the wrong person? Wait a minute. Now, just stop it. Stop it, both of

you. Mrs. Naugatuck, I'm going to be perfectly frank. I'm going to speak

straight from the shoulder without pulling any punches.

Last night, when Bert and Lola were coming home from the ball, there was a

tremendous flash flood and all the bridges were washed away and the Red

set up an emergency center and Lola slept in the women's tent and Bert slept

the men's tent.

Oh, poor Bert. Going out with Lola and then getting caught in a flood.

That's... Two disasters in one night.

Now, that does it. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

Bert and I spent the night at a motel.

Oh, don't believe it. Oh, we had a wonderful night. We called room service

had champagne and caviar sent up, and we put $1 .25 in the magic fingers

machine.

Oh, don't believe it. It's true.

And I won't believe it unless I hear it from Bert himself.

is Bert?

Mrs. Naugatuck, I'm afraid that Bert is in a motel in Yonkers.

Anyone who would play around with a woman like you deserves to be in

Thanks for the ride, sailor. And I remember you in the press.

Nell, you're home.

Oh, Nell.

You've got a lot of explaining to do, Bert. And besides, you're all wet.

I know, I know.

Well, I'll face up to it right now.

Here goes.

Lola, I'm sorry for deserting you last night.

Deserting her?

Yes, you see, I had a few too many at the ball last night. Then I lost track

Lola. Now, the last thing I remember, somebody was helping me to a car.

And I must have been in bad shape because...

My sword kept making sparks on the sidewalk.

Tell me this.

Where did you sleep?

Sleep? Oh.

In a bathtub in some motel in Yonkers.

Now, this morning, I thought I heard an alarm clock, and I reached to shut it

off, and I turned on the shower.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Lola, where did you spend the night?

In the office of that same motel.

Bert was in no condition to come home last night, and I only had money enough

for one room.

You mean you sat up all night in that office?

Oh, it wasn't too bad. I won a couple of bucks off the night clerk, shooting

craps.

Come on, Bert.

We'd better get this wet uniform off. All right, Lola.

I'll be glad to do that. Oh, I mustn't forget me manners.

Lola, thank you for going to the ball with me.

I hope we had a good time.

Oh, we did, Bert. After all, you're now the High Monarch of St.

Mel. You hear that, love? I passed out nearest to the throne.

Boy,

everybody will get up to me now.

I don't understand.

I just don't understand. Why would you go to a motel with a man who was so

he didn't know what he was doing, sit up all night shooting craps with a death

clerk, and then come back here with some ridiculous story about Cape Cod?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess that's why they call me a living legend.

Look, Lola, that is no explanation.

Lord, Bert is a very funny man.

Has he told you all the stories about working in a cemetery?

Do you know there actually was a man who demanded to be buried in the gay

section?

Lola, the gay section of a cemetery?

Yes. Bert says that's where all the laughter comes from.

Oh, he has a hundred stories like that.

He had me in stitches all night right up to the time he passed out.

So I thought it'd be fun to take a person like that up to Cape Cod. Yeah,

Lola, Bert happens to be a married man.

Now, would you risk his marriage for just a few days of fun? I mean, that's

I don't understand.

What's not to understand, Maude?

I'm lonely.

Lola, you?

Lonely? Yes, lonely.

Oh, Maude, I've always had a lot of men in my life. They were like streetcars.

Every time I turned around, another one was coming along.

And now things are different?

How long has it been since you saw a streetcar?

I guess I'm a little sorry I never settled down, Maude, but now I have to

my fun where I find it.

I understand.

But, Lowell, I'd like you to explain one thing to me. Why is it that you've

always been interested in older men?

Because they're always so grateful.